my success

Ok review of me;
Married 30+ kids 5+...was unemployed 2009 to 2017. Welfare income took care of special needs kids. Wife worked.
my porn habit was playboy mostly from dads mags as a teen to about 17 when I bought my own for years. Upon meeting wife, got off porn for short time. Started porn again when I was about 27 or so after losing career job and it was playboy again. then internet porn from '95 through 2015. Long time.
I never said to myself, "I am a porn addict" for awhile. I mostly blamed my wife's lack of sexual desire for my PMO. Loss of job in 2009 exacerbated PMO and internet put porn on my phone. I told my wife a little but she had no idea of the magnitude of my habit.
I was a wreck by 2015. I wanted out. This web site gave me insight and a plan. In 2015 I saw my chance/ability to cut my porn use about 90%! So I dabbled in it for the next 2 years. during those 2 years I started living again. I actually started to see the possibility to get rid of porn for good. I went days without it and I was ok with that.

So in 2016 and 17, in the midst of free training for a possible new job, I made the decision to be honest with myself and stop the dabbling and stop viewing porn 100%. As of Nov 2017 I have been porn free.

However, I warn you all. It is too late for me. I am free but the damage is done. That job did not work out. In fact, my present job pays $14/hr! I do it because I need to do something!
All that time over the years, I could have done more with a career, school, training, etc. Now I'm 56 and its all too late. Maxed out on student debt and barely paying bills.
Wife found new hormonal cream online that is applied to skin in two normal places before bed and her sex desire and emotional health is much better.

But I am still suffering consequences of years of wasted time. 

I enjoy the desire to NOT view porn but guilt of my past overwelms me. I cannot get those years back!

please take my warning serious.

You make a very good point, Olaf.
We've done ourselves a lot of harm over the 10-15-20-25-30 and more years of compulsive, obsessive, P abuse. The brain's plastic and some of that neural damage can be repaired. But we'll never get back the years that we W'd away. So many wasted years and opportunities. That said.... we hopefully have many years ahead of us and they're undoubtedly worth staying clean for.
Good luck to you in all your endeavours, and congrats on breaking your habit.

Thanks.

Hi Olaf. I celebrate your recovery my friend. We've traded barbs in the past so I wanted to apologize for being harsh. I'm thrilled you stopped the porn altogether...and reconnected with your wife. Congratulations my friend! Much love to you and your family. 

Hi Olaf,

For what it's worth... all things in the past are written in your history. Things ahead of you are open and all is possible.
I've read a lot of articles on mindset lately and that really helped me giving insight in my beliefs.
Your warning is welcome and we can all benefit from each others experiences here. Thanks for that.
Good luck on your journey!

Hi Olaf, Thank you for sharing your story. It resonates with me because we are about the same age. I've been incredibly lucky because although I've been under the spell of PMO for a very long time, things have just about hung together for me. I'm determined now to make better use of my time than I have in the past and to kick out PMO permanently. Well done for beating porn and good luck with your endeavours in the future.

confession.

The morning conversation was not going well. I was upset and she was too. Our sex life has been better but she has some symptoms of what she thinks is lupus but I don't know, so sex is sporadic. Only recently she had sex starved me for 3 weeks. Not really her fault, since family schedule and sickness postponed sex. Really I was ok, no relapses, etc. Anyway, so back to our conversation in which we were discussing finances and my hours at work ($14.25/hr) She is trying to get more welfare because we need it. Bills are not getting paid and the car recently was in need of repair and set us back financially. Now remember, that I have never told my wife of the truth of the magnitude of my porn habits nor the time I took viewing the stuff, affecting family situations in which I could have been more involved in, college classes could have been done easier if I wasn't on porn, etc. So in our heated discussion I was commenting on her desperation to increase welfare for our kids and I sort of complained...she got very angry and said, "I'm doing this because you can't get a decent job that pays well, so I have to look elsewhere!!" I said, "I knew it; you finally admit that I am a poor provider/husband." she said "that's exactly right." I then said, "I wasted my life on porn."

I then gave the details, in tears. I'd had enough. But really, my stop point was Nov, 2017, my reduction of 90% of my porn viewing was 2015. She made some other assumptions but was glad I got control of it.

Things are not better sexually.

God did not gift me some stuff for confessing

I do continue to be porn free and I reminded her that she always has access to my phone and can look at it anytime.

We eventually did succeed in increasing the welfare at great effort. I still attempt higher paying jobs every week and get job rejection notices weekly.

Allow me to remind you all that the bible does not speak about rewards for "not sinning."

That's it for now, Keep up the porn free habits.

That's a really big conversation, Olaf. You're really brave for having it, and being so honest. I hope you don't pressure yourself too much these days, or get down on yourself. A conversation like that, at least for me, would require a cool-down period of days and days, maybe weeks or months, time for the emotions and truths of things to settle down. A "time heals" kind of thing, maybe. I know we're all different in the way we process things, but I hope you give yourself that peace.

I continue to succeed with a porn free life. We did get the extra welfare and it will help a lot.
I continue to get job prospect rejections weekly. I never interview, no one ever calls and I am an expert resume writer and job searcher. I have a paid job coach service that says, "don't give up!" but what does giving up look like? Sin is forever crouching at my door. Although I control it, my guilt of idolatry from the past depresses me. I have plenty to do around the house. doctors have been elusive in trying to find why my wife has pain. No sex for over a month! I therefore do all the house chores and some of the kids help.

If anyone needs advice for porn avoidance or other sexual advice message me here; man to man I'd love to help.