Challenging Day

Hey everyone!

Today was a challenging day.

I was painting in my studio and, like numerous times in the past, I got involved in a part of the painting that was not coming together and, as a result I began to get very frustrated and impatient. My normal resolution for that sort of thing has been to masturbate with porn. Having done so, I would then find myself in a calmer state of mind and would be able to proceed in a more relaxed manner.

So, once again today the urge to resolve the situation in the same manner became very intense. I did not use porn but I did try to masturbate. However, without the visual stimulation I could not get anywhere! Very frustrating at the time but I realized the more I continued to try the more frustrated I was going to get so I stopped, went for a walk, then came back and got down to work once again. As a result the issue I was struggling with in my painting worked itself out and I had a great day. Additionally, which is an even more important awareness, the obsessive thoughts passed.

I realize that the masturbation was being used as a stress reliever, and that is something I need to pay attention to (the various reasons I may choose to masturbate), however, I was not going to use porn. I knew there was no way I could look my wife in the eye if I had and I know she would instantly be aware of what had occurred and that the fact that I had slipped again would trouble her. I don't want to hurt her anymore.

So...I  just need to keep addressing whatever comes up (pardon the pun) from day to day by sharing it with you folks.


Good night.

Survivor

Interesting observations. I've found myself becoming more analytical about my thoughts and feelings.

Now when I feel frustrated, instead of thinking I need PMO to feel better, I stop and really think about what's going on. When I analyze the situation, what I find is that I have a headache or other pain (that PMO would actually make worse), or I'm tired (I've already wasted plenty of hours on PMO when I should have been getting a good night's sleep), or I just need a break (after spending hours working on the computer, staring at porn on the computer for another couple of hours is not a break).

Good morning Needs Coffee:

Just sittin' here drinkin' my coffee reading your message. What you've said resonates with me big time.

As I have studied my behaviors since first getting involved in recovery I have come to see more and more how so much of my acting out behavior is a means of distracting myself from some form of either real, or perceived, discomfort. Its very subtle stuff because it's something that grows larger and larger over an extended period of time. In my case I was not even aware of the fact that, in a lot of situations, I used some form of sexual behavior as a means of escaping from discomfort. I had gone beyond the point of being consciously aware that the two went hand in hand with each other. It was only after I started working at this stuff that my recovery friends suggested I make a daily list of things that had set me off in that 24 hour period, whether it be anger, frustration, anxiety, resentment, hunger, tiredness, boredom, etc. As I became more aware of myself I began to see how my mind would automatically zone away from an uncomfortable feeling by automatically punching pornographic images into my brain. For example: I would feel anger towards someone who may have slighted me and my next thought would be erotic imagery. Additionally, if the images were somewhat unclear the desire to view porn as a means of refilling the well in my brain with fresh material became that much stronger.

In a way it's fascinating how our brains work. Just wish it wasn't workin' that way in my brain!


Hope your day is good,

Survivor