Recovery Journal

Good days Sirs, fapstranaut02 reporting for duty.

Below is my story:

I discovered P at of 14, I remember the excitement and the heart thumping so quickly that I feel so alive. I frequent P site a lot and not long after that, I learned how to M and achieved my first O. After that, I PMO on average 3 times per day, sometimes it went as far as 5, sometimes I edge for hours and hours just to find the best material. I was young, I didn't know the potential devastating effect from over PMO. There was no education or knowledge regarding this topic, everyone did it and deemed it as normal. I had no gf, I used up a lot of my time to PMO, I was drown in pleasure. This continued for for 8 years.

At 22 years old, I was M-ing one night and trying to find a way to last longer. I remember searching on youtube and kegel exercises was recommended until I came across Gabe Deem's video. The video caught my attention and showed me something I wished someone told me years ago, M may be good and healthy, but excessive M and P is gonna fk you up real good. I remember my penis was limp, no reaction to touch whatsoever, I was M-ing just to get some stimulation.

I first realized I have PIED when I
1) could not have an erection without P
2) could not erect based on touch alone
3) could not maintain my erection when I'm standing upright.

I have a serious P addiction. Since then, it was a on/off journey trying to rid P of my life, the longest I ever did was 2 months and I slipped back into the cycle.

I was so ashamed when I had the chance for sex, I could not get my penis to erect.

I am 26 years old now, it's been 4 years now since I realized my P addiction issue. At some point, I gave up and accepted maybe I will just live with it for the rest of my life. But if I let myself walk down this road, I know I will ruin my future, not just because of the poor performance in sexual activity, but also because I spent too much time on P, I wasted my life on it, there's no productivity, no energy, no emotions, I'm just alone and empty after the deed.

I feel as though I'm living but not living...


Today is day 0, I am aiming to keep no P, no M, no stimulation in any form and no O. My ultimate goal is to be healthy, have a life outside of my PC screen.

Hello!
Your stroy read like the typical porn addiction / floppy cock horror story that features a lot around here.
But try not to despair, you shuold be happy! The reason for that is that you have now found the cure and you know what to do to get  your life back. A lot of guys never even hear abiut this method and they go through their sad and pathetic lives like a PMO zombie.
You said that you feeel as though you are not living, thats because porn has taken all the life out of you and fucked up your life (and penis) like you wouldnt beleive!
Wht you need to do now is to hang around this forum and get any questions you may have answered, theres a lot of good people here who can help you

Appreciate the kind reply Mr. Fappy, my story is indeed a typical P addiction story, it's good and sad to know I'm not alone in this.

Day 1

I have stayed away from any stimulation, I can feel tingling sensation below, the urge to PMO is there, probably due to the fact I"m at home. Long term PMO-ing has become a daily habit, like how we must brush teeth in the morning, i feel like i need to PMO before I sleep.

The first few days are always the hardest, i have to consciouly control my urges. Still, it"s not impossible to do, just depends on how strong is my willpower and discipline, i have always been weak on that department. It"s a good time to train myself mentally again.

Day 2

Avoided any stimulation, kept my mind clear from temptations and did some work out. I remember a post from nofap community that staying fit and exercising regularly speed up theb recovery process. I believe this to be true as i have personally benefited from it.

I still have the urges to PMO in the night, could be very much due to old habits, i can still suppress it and stay away from P. Here's hoping i can keep rid my P addiction once and for all

yeah the first week or so is when the urges rage on and on, plus theres triggers from all directions! just remember it WILL get better, it has to get better because its a natural prcess of the brain to rewire. Just keep on guard about all the bullshit

Hey champ!

Good on you for taking action, takes a lot of courage to deal with the problems, so many are afraid to confront.

I've been going to therapy, which really helped me, before starting on no PMO. Everytime i relapsed, i just wanted to give up, and everytime i relapsed i just binged for hours and hours, days after days. So my therapist helped to stop the binging habit, and helped me reduce my p-watching down to 1-2 hours a week. So even though i relapsed from time to time, i wasn't as bashed in my head, as i've would have been if i watched 24 hours a week. I'm now ready to eliminate my p-use for good, and startet no PMO 2 weeks ago. A bit harder than i though it would be, actually. Not being okay with watching porn once a week for an hour to two, has been a bit hard, but when it happens, i dont beat myself up about it, because i remember how far i've come in the 3.5 years i've known about my problem.

I don't encourage you to do the same, as i did. I tried cold turkeys many, many times, before starting to reduce my use a bit, week by week, because cold turkeys didn't work for me. If it works for you, great!
I hope you have a great day, take care!

Thanks Fappy, i believe i will get better, though, sometimes, i hate myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

hi luchness, im glad your therapy has been working for you. I have relapsed countless times throughout my recovery journey, its really really hard to start the reboot again once you relapse. There"s a constant urge to want to view P. I have reduced my PMO to twice a week and now im going cold turkey, i hope we both stay strong against the odds.

Day 3

Had urge to watch P strongly tonight, wanted to give up and PMO just for one time, telling myself i can start reboot next time, but seriously who am I kidding..

Read novel to kill time, enjoyed the book. Urge subsided after reading replies from fellow brothers from this nofap journey, much appreciated.

Country will be in lockdown again, mentally steeling myself to not use the free time for PMO and strive for self improvement.

yeah i know you must hate youself for ever getting into this  shit. but use that hate and self loathing to give you motivation to never ever do it again!

Day 4

Constant urge to want to PMO once I am left alone in home, i can feel myself giving in to P temptation. Once i give in, the cycle repeats again. Discipline snd determination are never my strong point, i am too nonchalant of a guy and i honestly hate it.

Tonight, however, I am still able to hold on, i need to constantly putting up my guard and remind myself my ultimate goal for this journey. I wish to be cured of P addiction and have a healthy sex life.

Used to think how hard is it to quit smoking when i look at smokers, now i guess I know.

Hey brother,

I too am very early in my journey. One thing that I believe really helps is developing your self discipline and work ethic. Tell yourself everyday that you are strong and you are not an addict, you are simply a man trying to quit p. Muster yourself mentally, develop habits to distract yourself and that you are passionate about, and we will all see benefits.

If you are looking to develop some self discipline, try a 48 hour water fast. I am currently starting mine, but it is supposed to help increase your focus and self discipline. Give it a shot. Also, take two cold showers everyday. I like to take one when I first wake up, its dreadful but it trains your mind to stray away from instant gratification (such as p) and to do the right thing. I also like to take one after I workout; when I see the cold water, I tell myself, if I can get in that, I can stay away from p.

I believe in you man, lets get through this together.

Hey Anubu, thanks for the advice and encouragement ! I have started taking cold shower again, it calms my mind and my urges, it does feel refreshing after as well. Some studies suggest that cold shower helps to boost testosterone and increase libido, so I'll stick to cold shower for a while and see how it goes.

Day 5 - day 6

Urge to PMO became stronger in the night at home, again, it's most likely due to old habits. I have almost succumbed, but thank fuck I'm still holding on. 

By Day 6, I think I am experiencing flatline, I didn't feel much sexual desire or libido, no morning wood as well. I felt at peace until it's night time again, had to go to bed before I did something I would regret.

Overall it's good as time that could be wasted on PMO is now going to be productive.

Day 7

It's been one week into this journey, i am Probably in flatline, I am feeling peaceful, no sexual urges or fantasy unless i saw some provoking pictures, I try to avoid them as much as possible.

Had a good jogging, exercise the heart, sweat out all the toxicity. This morning i woke up to a mild erection, other than that its nothing much.

I am happy that I have achieved one week without PMO, here's aiming for another week.

LETS GOOO!

Day 8

Not much of libido, not much fantasy and not much of urges to PMO in the night now, I"m guessing it"s a good thing.

Have been working out, trying to gain more muscle, using the time that could be wasted on PMO on gym now. Took cold shower after, feels good.

I notice that i have a few acne outbreak, it's in the area between the upper lip and the nose, could be due to hormonal changes as a result of NoFap, hmm..

Anyway, i am reinforcing my mental defense by frequenting this forum, here's hoping i can quit my addiction for real before i get too old

Your well on your way! LETS GOO!!

Day 9 - day 10

Not much of sexual urges. Stayed away from PMO and any stimulation.

On day 10, i had a wet dream, felt like almost O in the dream, then i woke up to a hard boner. It's been a long time since i had a morning wood. I had leg days 2 days before and now I'm having delay onset muscle soreness, usually after leg day/jog i will have morning wood the next day.

I"m thankful that i have a real life friend to share my issues, she has been my support pillar and honestly i hate to let her down.

Tonight i feel at peace and gain more hope in improving my condition.

Workout, abstain, eat/drink healthy. Only 4 days more to my 2 weeks target

Day 11

Peaceful day as well. Had a good rest since today is a public holiday, tried to keep my mind occupied by reading novel and watching sports/investment to keep myself away from P.

So far, no libido, got a very small urge to PMO, and that's it.

I'm feeling a little down today, mostly due to some issues with my love 1. Many times, I have the feel I want to PMO just to ease my feeling... After PMO, i feel numb, so less pain

But i know it's not a long term solution. I will carry on with this journey, maybe the sad feeling is a good sign of recovery from no PMO too, who knows

Day 12

Nothing much to report, everything is normal. Got the urge to PMO since its friday night, dont have to wake up early the next day, but the urge is manageable. Thought my penis is gonna be limp af the whole week, but it erects when i was hugging my girl (albeit not a full erection), nothing sexual, just hugging.

Paid for my car downpayment, so, starting next month there's gonna be commitment. Gotta figure out ways to increase my income to sustain my spending.

2 more days to go until i hit my 2 weeks target.

My ultimate goal remains the same: be free from addiction

Day 13

Woke up with a morning wood again, didnt stay long in bed and went out to grab food with friend. It's a relaxing day, did some work out and that's it.

One more day till my 2 weeks target, i can feel my defense dropping, i begin to fantasize and want to PMO. But the moment i stop thinking about it, the urge subside pretty quickly compared to before.

Feeling down is also another push for me to PMO. These past few days I felt like i'm being given the cold shoulder. I've been trying to talk this out and so far it's in vain. There's up and down in life and relationship i suppose, hopefully the storm will pass soon.

Same here. My defense is definitely deteriorating a bit, but that's even more of a reason to persevere. Porn is trying to ruin us, its trying to crawl its way back in. Don't let it. I was facing some super tough urges but all of the support you guys have given me over the past few weeks helped me stay resilient. Hope I can instill the same amount of motivation and support into you. You got this man!