Shredding of the last hour

Its been about 3.5 years, that i discovered how much i used porn to cope with childhood traumas, loneliness and other personal issues. The first two years i tried to do cold turkeys, but never really worked, and i always relapse a day or two in, which led to negative self talk, which led to more porn use. In the spring last year, i measured how much a week i was using. 20-26 hours a week, was i looking at porn.

I went to the doctor, and began in therapy. Really helped me, reduce alot of my porn use because of changing my habits, my values and my confidence.

She also told me, just to try and be proud every week i reduced my porn use a little. 26hours a week became 15. 15 became 10, and so on. Right now it usually 2-3 hours a week, and has been for the last 6 months or so. I really wanna push it a bit more, and started my journey in this community last sunday. I'm now 6 days in, feeling the urges and craving hitting me. Having really hard time to focus/concentrate on reading texts and bboks for study, even though i'm at the university with no chance of looking at porn.
I've posted here and there, but want a post, that can be my jounral, and a place to share thoughts, and experiences. If you want to read, have a go, i appreciate it.
Take care out there! Cheers

Day 7. I'm feeling emotional fragile. The cravings and urges keeps hitting me. Been keeping myself busy, as i'm now. Sitting at my university at 10:40 am. But i got out of the apartment, so i can get the rest of my studies done for the upcoming week. Actually feeling proud about that. Going to the gym when i get home. I feel restless and still having problems concentrating.

Tried to have sex with my girlfriend yesterday, she was the one leading up to it, so i don't feel like i pushed her or anything. Normally we dont have sex in cowgirl becuase i cant keep my erection up. In the other positions, no problem, so thats really weird. Yesterday we tried in cowgirl anyway, and i stayed hard. I don't know if it was the blueballs over the last 3 days, or what, but i kept it hard.... but i still was really nervous and it took 2 hip-moves then i orgasmed. I really felt embarrased, since i've been struggling with PE beforehand, but really havent experienced it since. So experincing the feeling of just not performing was terrible. Anyway, my girlfriends was just glad that i kept it hard while she sat down. I know she sometimes feels like its her fault i cant get hard in that position, even though i've told her, i can't get myself hard if i just tried to masterubate.

I started this morning with a meditation for embarrasment, since i still could feel it, and it helped my alot. It also helps just to put these thoughts out there. Now i feel ready to study and get on with my day.

Take care out there guys!

Keep it up, Luchness. I know my ex could tell when I watched p or not because she said I felt "different" and honestly, I could tell to the strength wasn't there.

Thanks man. Yeah, sometimes it can be good, to have a person close to you, that reconize a shift in your behavior.
A week since i've posted. Things has been going all right. I PM'ed for an hour the other day, but then got a hold of my self, closed it, and got on with my day.

I also got "your brain on porn" today, so i'm excited to start reading that.
Alot of important presentations at work coming up, so i can feel the tension and pressure that comes with teaching a course to people few years younger than yourself. So i'm aware, and will not hide my nervousness in my addiction. I'll be fine no matter what.

Today i've felt intense cravings, even though i've only been awake for 4 hours. Tomorrow i'm going to teach seniors in a gymnasium (18-20 years old). Its my first time teaching an age group like that, and i'm feeling the nervousness. I'm 24 years old my self, and some old gymnasium anxieties and other feelings are popping up in my head and body. Later after my lectures i'm going to hit the gym, and just get all the boiled up energy out. Much better way to prepare for the day tomorrow, instead of watching porn and stuffing down my feelings.

So yeah, not much to report. Been reading a bit in your brain on porn, which is quite relaxing!

Take care, peace!

Well, the teaching part went well, and i believe really pushed my reboot further. I felt accomplished and proud of my self. Taking that risk and teaching 4 different classes during thursday and friday.

On the other side, going back into lockdown (second wave of corona is now hitting DK) i've begun to feel all this motivation slipping away. This monday and today, i've watched about 1.5 hour of p with masterubation. No orgasm, so even though i've sat at my computer for a little, watching p i got op, and got on with my day, like i'm doing now. I've seen some people counting days, and some people dont. I wont count days myself, because it's not about reaching 90 days for me. Its about wanting to eliminate it for good, as a lifestyle. Since i joined here on the 4th of okctober, i've maybe watched 3 hours of porn totally and no orgasm. And i'm proud of that, but i cant help feeling that i'm "failing". So i'm a bit conflicted. Because even though i've relapsed a couple of times, no binging has happened. And i still feel good, and really enjoy my life as it is. And that it just frustrates me even more, that i can't seem to cut away, the last piece of porn use, that i still have. I've managed to cut down from approximately 25 hours to about an hour per week. So yeah, that frustrates me a little, when i have my "slip" for the week...

I'm just rambling on right now, feeling a bit of my nofap motivation is gone, and i know it's because i just watched half an hour of porn. I just really want to let go of that last bad habit of using p.

It will come eventually. I am where i am today, because i kept changing and building myself into the person i will be, and i just have to keep doing that, then it will go away by it self. Glad to let some steam off in this post.

Take care out there guys! Peace <3

And then i had a full blown relapse yesterday....

First time i PMO'ed for over an hour in over to months. I felt slippery, and then thursday i was hanging out with a couple of friends, and the conversation took a turn towards bullying. And they asked if i've ever been bullied (which i have, alot in middleschool years). Eventually i started telling about the experinces and all the anger, sadness, loneliness and resentment come rolling onto me. I felt it throughout yesterday, and couldn't really deal with it. So i just did, what i used to do in middleschool. I went home, after university and fapped. After i was done, i took a shower, and did some reflection. And it is only now, that i saw the circle of my coping with the bullying and feelings back then. So i meditated with the focus of allowing the feelings from back then to flow through my body. FUCKING unpleasant, but i did. And i will know be focusing of moving on from the experinces back then.

Note: I do see porn as my major problem now, but i believe that my route/deroute into porn was caused by traumas like that, and not be able to deal with them.

Anyway, glad that i could learn so much from this relapse. I will get back on track stronger! Take care guys! <3

We've used porn as some form of escapism from our problems. I can relate to that. I'm glad you're taking steps to confront your problems. Sharing with others is a good first step. Keep going brother.

Thanks man!

Yeah, i feel if i just hide my feelings, even from the past, i will never be rid of them.

Hey man, learnt about your relapse. Hoping you come back stronger. It's great you were able to learn a lot about why you did relapse. I hope you find constructuve ways to deal with it. Reflect on it.
Keep pushing man

Thanks champ!

Had another relapse monday the 2., but i felt that, this was more of the "wanting more" after the relapse i had, on 31th of october.

But a few days free from p now. Still feeling triggered and urged, but i get the things done, that i have to do throughout the day. And when i dont have anything "productive" to do, i take some time for myself to read a bit of Your Brain on Porn or maybe play a little FIFA.

Anyway, it will get better, and luckily, my lifestile of not watching so much p as I used to, really have bringing back my desire for real sex and connection with people, which is fantastic. Going to hang out with some friends later, gonna be good!

Take care out there guys! Be aware in the weekend!

Relapse is chance to figure out what is wrong with your reboot. I suggest you to turn off Instagram and don't watch any web series till 90 days of your reboot.

Hey, been a while