One step at a time

Hi everyone,

I don't know what took me so long to start a journal. However, finally here I am. I'm back at day 1, but to be honest, it doesn't really feel like it. Since January I make a conscious effort to stop PMO. I had a couple of successes where I came close to 70 Days, but also some situation where I barely could resist a week. But since January my life has changed for the better. I started to work out quite a lot and kept it going through all my relapses. Meditating everyday (even though I don't really feel a progress here), healthy food, a good sleep schedule, changing my whole daily routine, feeling generally much better and so on.

I want to highlight this because the current relapse leaves me in a bad emotional shape. And the emotional situation probably led me to the relapse in the first place. It is easy to indulge in self-pitty, thinking: Now I have to start from the beginning, again! For me this actually creates a excuse to give up my goals for a couple of days till I'm sick of PMO again. But I came to the conclusion, that we build up habits slowly. A single screw-up is not that bad, if I keep going afterswards. It becomes really bad, when I'm using it as an excuse for my next screw-ups to spiral all the way down again. It takes effort to go back to the beginning after all that progress. So I'm choosing to go step by step in the right direction. As many before me have mentioned: success is not a straight line, it is more a zigzag.

I'm 29 currently, and this struggle has occupied a lot of my life-time. I'm not really sure when I stumbled upon YBOP, but it must be years ago. In my daily routine I included the habit to read old journal entries, and it is scary to see how much I wrote about it. I think in the past I managed to get to 30 days at most and then give up, completly, trying to accept the fact that this is "me". Then after some months or years I would try again, struggle, give up again. And this repeated quite often. This makes it actually more difficult, because it gives me the feeling "you may want to stop PMO now, but I know that in the future you will come back".  It gives me low confidence in the situations where I probably need it most.

I recently opend up to my best friend. That was a huge step for me, because as a Teenager I tried to open up to a friend, but the situation didn't end good (she took it good, but a friend of her thought I was "disgusting"...). However, I didn't feel like I could tell my best friend in person, so I wrote a letter. She accepted it quite nicely, but since then we never spoke about it (and we haven't met yet in real-life again). At that time I thought: "When I tell her, I will be ashamed, so I won't relapse ever again". Well, I was wrong. And with the benefit of hindsight I know, that I was looking for a shortcut. If I do X today, everything will be super easy afterswards. Or: now I have understood my problem, I won't fail again. So, I'm trying to keep in mind, that this journal is not the missing ingredient (the Holy Grail), that keeps me from screwing up. Only a conscious effort, going one step at a time, can do that.

Starting with that, I really need to find out my emotional triggers. I was able to ban a lot of triggers (basically not using my computer much), but when I'm emotionaly unstable I'm drawn to them. For example, sometimes I'm spending a lot of time to look for the "perfect" movie (or even book), that expresses my feelings. This constant searching, "the next movie suggestion could be the one I'm searching for", reminds me of the PMO behaviour. It also shows that I don't really know how to deal with my emotions in a "healthy" way. I hope that this journal will help me with this.

Keep at it man, I'm with you on this journey. You've shown real determination in the past going 70 days so you can do it again. Just focus on daily victories... Note what works and what doesn't for you and setup a daily routine. For me doing my devotional, meditation on God's Word. Check in daily here and reading others stories and gaining support has proven to be a real help. I recently relapsed 4 days ago after going 47 days. But that hasn't stopped me... Like you said success is more of in a Zig zag way. Keep hitting that wall till you reach the other end.
Keep pushing back
Chris

Thank you Chris, your comment is much appreciated!

Finished day 1 yesterday. This was actually quite easy. I got out and met with two friends in a caf?. Normally I wouldn't allow myself to drink coffee because this gives me strong mood swings, which I should avoid. How is this for other people? However, yesterday it was okay, I enjoyed the positive mood swing and before it turned to the negative side I was already sleeping. I slept really early because the night before - because of my relapse - I hadn't gotten much sleep.

Still, I'm pondering what activities/routines I should develop for the evening. Anything with an electronial device is crossed from the list. Actually not so much because I'm afraid of triggers, but much more because it keeps me awake and a good sleeping rythm is essential, to counteract mood swings for example. If I remember correctly my last relapses where mostly during the day. Unfortunately my last flatmates were not here often, so I'm home alone and can do whatever I want or don't want ... Luckily my new flatmates are moving in the next couple days. I hope this will restrict me in a positive sense. And hopefully I can establish some new habits with them. Playing boardgames, or generally socializing would be nice. I'm a morning person, so I'm not really productive in the evening, and since I read a lot during the day, I sometimes can't be bothered reading in the evening. I was actually thinking going regularly for a walk in the evening, listening to an audiobook. I know that this would help me. As other people have pointed out, going for a walk can give you some breathing space. But somehow I really have to push myself to go out, it is easier to stay at home. I guess I will make this a new habit of mine. Months ago I had to push myself everytime when I went for a run, and now I really enjoy it - habit is the key. By the way, went for a run today in the morning of around 11km, this is the second time in my life I run that far!

Finished day 3 yesterday. I'm a bit proud of myself because yesterday was a risky day. Was home alone the whole day and had nothing in particular to do. I browsed for some games, looking for the perfect one, knowing that none of them would really satisfy me. I tried one for a couple of minutes, but then shut my computer off again. Instead I read almost the whole day. Felt good. I also now try include a 20 minutes meditation everyday. I had the feeling I wasn't really progressing, but after a 20 minute session I feel really different. And in the evening I went for a walk as I planned, lets make it a habit.

The next days I will be quite busy, only home for sleeping and morning routine. I think the tricky part comes afterwards, when I'll be home for a full day, exhausted from the days before. Let's see. I hope I am prepared.

Oh and I want to point out how much reading the other journals help me. Stumbled upon Kopps Joyful journal and wanted to highlight an insightful quote:

"The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new."

Great quote! I follow kopp too.

It's nice to see you're on day 3. You're doing well for yourself. Keep it up and keep pushing back.

Finished day 8 yesterday. I have some super busy days behind me. I enjoyed the company of others and actually had a lot of fun. However, I didn't sleep much and couldn't go for a run or do my home work out. Therefore yesterday was a really difficult day. I had nothing to do and could stay home all day. I was super tired most of the time and could hardly do any of my regular habits. Fortunately most of the time my new flatmates where there and I could enjoy their company. It got really difficult, when both of them weren't home for a couple of hours. I started to look for random videos on YouTube and kinda hoping for triggering material. I managed to turn of my laptop and afterswards went for a walk. I'm proud that I managed to do that. I'm still looking for an activity, that I can do, when I'm feeling tired and/or emotionally down. These are the moments I'm craving the most and tend to gravitate to certain activity.

Today I feel much better and have more energy. Still I know that you can't fix four days with little sleep in just one day. So, I will have my up and downs today, but I hope I manage.

glacier said:

Finished day 8 yesterday. I have some super busy days behind me. I enjoyed the company of others and actually had a lot of fun. However, I didn't sleep much and couldn't go for a run or do my home work out. Therefore yesterday was a really difficult day. I had nothing to do and could stay home all day. I was super tired most of the time and could hardly do any of my regular habits. Fortunately most of the time my new flatmates where there and I could enjoy their company. It got really difficult, when both of them weren't home for a couple of hours. I started to look for random videos on YouTube and kinda hoping for triggering material. I managed to turn of my laptop and afterswards went for a walk. I'm proud that I managed to do that. I'm still looking for an activity, that I can do, when I'm feeling tired and/or emotionally down. These are the moments I'm craving the most and tend to gravitate to certain activity.

Today I feel much better and have more energy. Still I know that you can't fix four days with little sleep in just one day. So, I will have my up and downs today, but I hope I manage.

Click to expand...

Cheering for you buddy! We're at the same point in progress, with many similarities in our struggle. It's hard to find new habits/activities, let's be honest! I personally love to take courses on Udemy about things that interest me, ones with creative applications like music or art. They're pretty cheap, so it's easy to pick up a few classes for new activities that may or may not spark interest for you

Look forward to seeing you power through.

You can look or fun new things to do...
Like a new cooking recipe or food.
Learning a musical instrument
Learning a new language
Maybe trying your hands on drawing.

Finshed day 11 yesterday. Currently I experience strong mood swings. Making it really difficult to stay on the right path. I guess part of it emerges because of an unhealhty sleepling schedule the last days. And I guess the other part comes from my brain trying to deal with me quitting P. I experienced similar mood swings during my last attemps, it feels bad, because I have no control of it. I just have to get through it. Trying to refocus on the very small steps. I'm glad when this day is over.

Actually I think the "not enough sleep" thing makes it more difficult because sleep is the time where your brain tries to adapt to the new situation - well, at least I think I read something like that somewhere ...

Apart from that, I'm really good. Having a great time with my new flatmates. Learning a lot of new stuff. That's why the mood swings suck, because I know that normally I would feel really good, it's just that I don't. Reading other journals help though.

Thanks icemaudib and Chris for the tips. I look forward to learn new things. I actually concidered an online academy, but then I also really want to be careful and spend as less time in front of my laptop as possible. I probably should pick up drawing or playing an instrument. I would love to and tried it a couple of times in the past but hadn't the endurance to keep training. But maybe this changed now, at least through this addiction I have learned to just keep going.

Finished day 13 yesterday. The day before I had a wet dream. It was the first for a long time. I'm not sure why, but it feels like healing. Without really thinking about it, I also did a nofap challenge since the last relapse. I actually feel encouraged by some journals here to continue on this way. I guess in the past MO was an easy way for me to deal with my urges. But then I had to deal with the chaser effect. Now I actually have less urges, because I don't really allow myself to dwell in them. Also, as I have mentioned earlier, I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions. And there are much better ways than MO.

However, currently I have a stressfull time because there is much work to do which I dread. Unfortunately for this I need to reduce my daily routine to a bare minimum. But life means change, so maybe this will help me to break up old routines and reconcider their usefullness.

Keep trudging on glacier

Hey Glacier!  We're in this together.  The fact that you've gone 70 days before means you can do this, that you HAVE done this.  All this process needs to be is finding what exactly works for you, because everyone is different.  I find that learning an instrument is a great replacement for PMO, it's constructive and rewarding, and the ability to make music from nothing is pretty cool.  Good luck, we're in this together.

Wow, three weeks yesterday. I'm doing really good at the moment. Still doing this work for my study that I dread, however I now accepted that I have to do this (practicing acceptance is really helpful). The days before I was struggling, because I rather would spend time outside - it's super hot here at the moment. My routine is not really existent at the moment, but this actually gave me some breathing space. I guess I will reintroduce some of the better ones soonish - doing sport etc. The main part, why it is so easy at the moment, is because I'm super busy, doing that work during the day and in the evening meeting people. There is not much time to think about something else. I feel super horny sometimes, but I don't allow myself to act on it. This helps a lot.

I think I'm ready to try some dating apps. The only concerning thing is, that dating apps have this "endless novelty" effect (picture after picture of women), which I'm trying to avoid. I spoke with my flatmates about it, I would like to use the "swiping" feature only in there presence. I gave some superficial reasoning (not ready yet to tell them about porn addiction), that I don't want to use this app when I'm feeling lonely and so on. Lets see how it works out.

And thanks Chris and wwalker19 for beeing here!

Hi Glacier,

Three weeks is quite the feat.

Just a small warning regarding the dating apps, I was there a week ago. It was a small downhill spiral, it enhanced the lonliness and that for me is a big entry to PMO. Be on your guard, not saying you don't have more self control or you are the same as me just saying be careful.

Stay strong and keep going.

Congrats on three weeks glacier. It's really a great feat.

I don't know about dating apps though. I feel it's always best to go out and meet new people and have like real connections. Talking with women through chats and dating apps always dragged my wild fantasies out, made me want reactions that weren't needed. Made me misunderstand them even. It's great to have friends online though. But from my experience, It can lead to some sort of attention seeking person. And depending on the type of person you meet,it can make or Mar you in terms of character. For dating apps, it's even worse as everything is somehow somehow sexualized. Hooker's even use it to get clients... Because they know how men are vunerable in those circles.

I'm saying all this just as a caution,it's still very possible to find a great person who has an interesting life and can impact you positively.

Ok, so I relapsed ... I feel pretty frustrated right now. I want to say I felt helpless in that situation but the truth is, that I really wanted it in that moment. That makes me feel helpless afterwards: how can I stuggle against this, when I keep betraying myself?

I guess the only way is to be even more tighter with my "security" measurements. That means really no phone in the evening. I keep making the mistake, that when everything is going so smoothly I relax my guards way to early. Well, I try to reflect what went wrong. On the other side I'm trying to not be too hard on myself. Since the beginning of this year I really made progress. Learned a lot about myself. For example I can see now, that I not really learned to deal with bad emotions. And it's something I won't learn in a couple of weeks.

Funny enough I didn't used the dating app yet, because I wanted to be really careful. Still not sure if I will try it in the future.

Thanks for the support!

Hey Glacier,

I really get the frustration, I understand.  Though it feels hard, try to not beat yourself up over it, that just causes more stress and gives more power to it.  A lot of this process is about finding your boundaries and when you're at risk.  For me, I have found being alone with my technology is a big risk factor, and I have to plan around it.  If nobody's home, I'm not touching my laptop.  It is a lng process that takes time and effort, but if you keep trying and learning every time, you'll improve.

Sorry about it glacier, I relapsed too yesterday and felt the same frustration. Just keep finding your boundaries like he said. Then there's this book I recommend you reading. It's a book about hope, it also talks about how to work with the two sides of the brain to get what we want

Book- Everything is fucked by mark mason

I think I'm back on track. I relapsed shortly after my last message another time. At that time I wasn't really invested in making progress. Now I'm in the process of building a structure that helps me. Doing a lot of sport, long meditations, early bedtime, back to a offline-journal, put my standalone pc back under the bed, no phone in bed in the evening, no junkfood/sweets, no youtube procastination and so on. What helps me most at the moment is making a todo list every day. I'm really disciplined and focused with my tasks at the moment, and this takes away "bad" idle time. I'm happy with it.

I'm only at day four, however I think I'm mentally/structurally much further than the last time. There is no internal struggle at the moment.

I started to try this dating app. At the moment it's fine. It feels wierd to browse through so many women. Not sure if I want to continue this. If I see that this leads to any risks, I will delete that app again.

Thanks wwalker19 and Chris for your support. Will look into that book!

Nice to see your commitment