Tice Reboot Journal

Hey everyone,

I came to this forum cause like anybody else here I have a problem. I feel to embarrassed to talk about it to anyone in the real world and recently I felt the need to just share my story. Even if its just to clarify things for myself.

So here goes. (trigger warning: I will go into detail a bit)

I am a 31 year old male. My life is in a good place. Nice job, good house, good family relations and next year I am marrying the most amazing woman I have ever met.  Everything is going good except for one thing: I watch porn, and I feel like it controls me.

In the part of Europe where I live porn isn't very much frowned upon. The attitude is that everybody watches it and sometime or another and it's nothing one should be ashamed of.
For the first 10 years of watching porn (I first saw it when I was 12) I never thought of it as a problem. If I felt an urge I would get behind the computer and take care of it. It's what everybody does!

When I moved out of my parents house I started watching more. It was a bit of a daily ritual. After a day of work I would come home and watch porn and usually also one more time before bed. I started developing a taste for certain kind of porn and actresses (mainstream stuff) It became a thing I really looked forward too. Still, I thought of it as a normal thing that everyone does.

The first time things got complicated was with my first girlfriend. I met her at age 21 and lost my virginity with her. Our sex life was always satisfying.
We lived in different cities and she would come by only on the weekend. Usually saturday evening. On these saturdays, before she would come by, I was in a conflict with myself; I wanted to save my sexual energy for my girlfriend but I had a really hard time not to watch porn and climax.
Our relationship lasted for 5 years and 90% of the time I was able to save my sexual energy by watching porn but not climaxing. It never affected my sex life with her, but I did find it strange how even knowing that I would have real world sex that night wouldn't stop me from wanting to watch porn.

When I was single again I went back to watching porn on almost a daily basis. I also started fantasising about visiting prostitutes that looked like pornstars. I switched out porn sites for contact sites for prostitutes. I got very into watching porn with actresses that would also escort, I would read stories from people that have visited them and I always researched what was out there on the market.

Eventually I took the step and visited a prostitute, in the following 2 years I would do it 4 more times. I also got into webcamgirls cause I saw that as a digital version of a prostitute. I was never to proud of any of this but I also thought it would make a great story some day and you only regret the things you have never done etc. etc.

4 years ago I met my fiancee, after meeting her I didn't watch porn for I think 4-5 months. After that I slowly started falling back into old habits.
Nowadays I find it a challenge to go a week without porn. I sometimes watch it at work, whenever I am alone in the house I see opportunity and when my fiancee goes on business trips I allow myself to fully indulge. I don't visit prostitutes but I do still look at their ads and very few times I will chat with webcamgirls.

All this happens but I don't want it to happen. I find it an annoying urge that gets in the way of my other interests. It distracts me from my work and I feel like it can totally dominate my mind for days. The only antidote seems to be watching porn and then I can be good for a couple of days but the urge always comes back.

So now here I am. I'm getting married next year and I want to fix this for good. I tried many times to stop before and have been relatively succesful (2-3 months without porn) I thought quitting smoking was the hardest habit I have ever broke but this feels so much more difficult. It feels like the longer I abstain myself the harder it gets.

I want to start a journal on this site but before I do I want to talk to some people who share the same difficulties. I have never before looked for help in this area and I am completely new to any of this so I would like to get some handles to help me on my journey.

So if anyone can tell me anything, I would love to hear it. If you have questions, feel free to ask and if you just recognise yourself in my story I would love to hear it too!

Thankyou

After writing my first post I decided to truly work on giving up porn. So welcome to my journal!

Just the act of writing out my problem made me more conscious of it and gave me new energy to try and stop.
This was very necessary because the last few months I felt my need intensify. I felt more powerless and started developing some new tastes especially around webcam sites. Honestly, this scared me. I don't want this to dominate my life.

I am on day 2 now and things have been going well. Yesterday and today I had a lot of home alone time but I did not feel any strong urges.
I also feel a bit more in touch with my emotions, both the good and the bad. Last night I got very stressed out about my future but this morning I felt profound thankfullness for the good things in my life. Normally I don't feel emotions that strongly.

Apart from not watching porn I also try to stay away of what I consider porn related habits. I just to have a lot of sexual thought about female coworkers or pretty girls in the streets. When these thought come now I notice them more and take them not too seriously. This I have found to be a lot easier than expected.

I'm happy to have 2 days down but am also aware that the hard work is still to come. When those days come i'll be sure to write back here.

In the meanwhile, if anyone has any comments or advice, I would love to hear it.

The 30s sections is a bit quiet nowadays. I Just wanted to wish you all the best in your journey and congratulate you for your decision to quit watching porn. There are so many benefits you will experience if you start abstaining from PMO successfully.

I recommend you to read The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. It's an excellent book that's a bit different in comparision to Gary Wilson's YBOP book (recommended nevertheless!).

If you have any "newbie" questions always feel free to ask. Also delete your webcam accounts asap (if you have any), block contact to webcam girls (if you have any) and even consider using a blocker to block pornsites/webcam sites in general. It's not necessary but it definitely helps. Most people (me included) could get around a blocker in a few minutes but just having one in place, making the final commitment that porn is out of the equation, helped me not going back ever again.

Take care!

Hey Pete,

Thanks for your reply. Is there any blocking software you could recommend for a phone?

Today marks the first week of being porn free. I have not watched porn or masturbated this whole week. The only sexual activity I have had has been with my fiancee.

More than other times when i stopped I realise now how much it acts like an addiction. I used to think that I watched porn because I simply had a physical need to ejaculate. It just seemed like a tension would build up over a few days and then I would take care of it.
Now I see that this has almost nothing to do with it, if I have sex in the morning I can feel a strong craving for porn that same afternoon.

I also noticed how it has a numbing effect, emotionally the last week has been a little rough. Feeling like there is no getting away from my emotions. I try to counteract this a bit by doing fun sporty activities with friends. This helps a lot with taking my mind of things for a while.
The coming weeks I will also get back into doing more excersise. It is something I very much enjoy and I hope it can take the place of porn in my life.

Right now, the urges are becoming pretty strong. It's so strange, in a tough moment I think of some fantasy and I feel like that would make everything better even though it never has improved anything in my life. It's so strange how the mind can work.
Despite the urges I still feel confident i'm handling it. I am still constantly aware of triggers, trying to not let my mind wander of into areas where it shouldn't. And writing here helps me focus on what I am doing.

So far, it has mostly been hard work. I have not at all experienced any upsides like being more focused or feeling happier but I know that will come later. The one thing I am happy about is that I am taking control of this and that I am not letting my weakness run my life. And that is worth a lot.

Anyway, on to the next week!

Today is day 10 and I had a set back today.

An old coworker added me on facebook and when I checked his profile I saw a picture of one of his friends. It was a woman with large fake breasts and I was powerless.
I immediately checked out her profile until my coworker came back to the desk. 10 minutes later I excused myself to the bathroom so I could google the woman. I did, and luckily not much turned up.
Then I told myself to stop, knowing that this is exactly the type of stuff that could send me right back where I started. For the first hour it was very hard to change my mindset, it amazing to see how quickly a certain mind set can engulf me, 4 hours after the event I still struggle not to lose my self in sexual thoughts but I think I have it under control now.

It's amazing how many triggers there are in the world. From ads, instagram posts, movies, tv. It is really not hard to come across a sexually tinted image in this society.
I have noticed a lot of them the last 10 days but I have been able to keep full control despite of them. What I saw today though was in many ways exactly my fantasy and even though I gave in for 15 minutes I was also able to stop myself from looking any further and lose myself in it. For that I am proud of myself, I hope it will give me strength for the next encounter that will surely happen.

I see this "waking up" in many fresh rebooters and I had it myself. Ever seen John Carpenter's "They Live"? It's a bit like that, isn't it? They are so many sexual cues everywhere. When you watch porn several days a week, you don't even recognize them but as soon as you stop, it's really mindblowing how many suggestive images, slogans, songs and videos are omnipresent. At one point I had to stop listening to certain songs. I have been listening to them for years but only after I was clean for a few weeks was I staggered how many porn related words were used.

I can only recommend to stop using social media of any sorts in the long run. It threatens your abstinence and it's also diametral to your mental health. A few days ago I had a conversation with a younger neighbour (24ish) and chance had it that we were talking about social media. I told her that I don't have any social media accounts anymore and left facebook in 2013. She replied that she NEEDS it to stay in contact with her friends from foreign countries. I asked her what she usually does on facebook and when was the last time she had used facebook in order to contact her foreign friends? She answered, she mainly scrolls the feed and couldn't remember when she last contacted her "friends". ;D

I'm just challenging your perspectives . Ideally, rebooting is not only about stopping porn but also about finding ways to live healthier. I mean, stalking a co-workers friend is not healthy nor reputable, but probably 99% of facebook users act that way (I'm not blaming you in any way particularly). It has become normal to do so, even though it's really f*cked up in a way. Imagine, you are getting to know her. She already is your co-workers friend with the fake breasts combined with a few other characteristics you could make out by stalking her photos. It's so weird. I'm happy, I'm not playing that game anymore. Sorry for digressing in your journal

Keep truckin'!

2 weeks down!

It has been difficult over the last few days and it's even difficult as I am writing right now. Luckily writing here helps a bit getting my mind in the right place.
It is monday now and the last weekend was pretty difficult. Especially one night when I couldn't sleep I kept fantasising about getting on webcam sites again and I was mentally browsing all the ads I could remember.

Over the last 2 weeks I masturbated twice in the moments when I felt I was about to give in. I try not to think about any porn as I do it. Just get it over with as quick as possible so I can get some relieve.

I still have difficulty wrapping my had around this "rehab" process. In my life I have given up marihuana after years of daily use and I have given up smoking after 10+ years. Both were very difficult but I also knew what I was getting into: Get through the first 3 days and after that it gets easier.
This is nothing like that, the first 3 days were easy for me. Now, after 2 weeks I can feel crazy sometimes, having intense cravings. In comparison;  after 2 weeks without nicotine I felt more or less stable. I still wanted to smoke but it was very easy to consciously make the decision not too.
I don't have the same experience right now. Some moments I find myself desperately looking for excuses to give up and I feel like I felt a month ago when I was looking at porn daily.  I find it baffling that something as simple as images can have this effect.

Does anyone else have any ideas about this? Any experiences on when you felt more or less stable. I'd love to hear it.

Delta-FosB is a brain chemical (transcription factor) important in the formation of addictions. It builds up in ?natural addictions,? such as high consumption of fatty/sugary foods, and high levels of aerobic exercise and sexual activity (and no doubt, porn addiction). Some sources suggest that it declines around the 6-8th week of abstinence. We suspect this decline in Delta FosB is behind the big improvements people see once they get to the 8 week mark. READ MORE

Knowledge about the science behind it is your best friend. Consider getting the Your Brain on Porn Book by Gary Wilson and The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. Excellent books with incredibly useful information.

Once you pass the 100-120 days mark, abstaining from porn gets a lot easier. I know, it sounds unbelievable but it really is like this. I wouldn't believe it myself and now abstaining from PMO almost takes no effort anymore.

Take care!

So today is friday and last tuesday I fell of the wagon. I pmo'd twice that day, all on webcam sites.

It's strange how it went, my urges weren't that strong. I just seemed to have changed my mind about the whole thing. I think in a way having made the 2 week progress gave me confidence that I could indulge one more time. Whatever, it's all just a lesson for the next time.

So now I am on day 3 and feel motivated to get past the 2 weeks point. Before my fallback I actually started feeling really good about the whole thing. I had felt really strong urges but they also completely disappeared witch was something that never happened to me before. My PMO problem always felt like this unmovable object, nothing I tried seemed to make a difference. I feel now though that I was able to make a slight change and that makes me hopeful for more change

Try making logs everyday instead of every week, or every other week. That is, if you haven't done that already. Also, I can recommend some apps you can install on your phone which could be helpful, like Quitzilla and Stop M. They both remind me every day of this fight that is NoFap.