ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hello everyone,
First an introduction: I?m the wife of shadetrenicin, who has been posting on this forum. I?m also not a native english speaker. Today I felt the need to write and share my story and my personal struggles as well as our struggles. This is posted with shadetrenicins permission, given this is also about him.
A few months ago ST admitted that he was addicted to porn and webcamsex. Although we?ve had difficulties with intimacy and he had shut me out almost completely emotionally, this came as a huge shock to me. Although I was angry at him for not being open with me sooner and that he had picked the worst timing (I was/am going through depression), there was also some sense of relief. Small cracks were manifesting in the dense walls around himself he had created and an opportunity arose to tackle the root causes of the marital problems we were experiencing. My personal theory is that addiction often arises because of shortage of love/guidance in some areas when growing up. I knew that if we wanted to make it together the only way was for him to learn to love himself and that he needed my support on this front. I also knew that I needed to avoid my personal trap; forgetting about my own feelings and my own development in this process. To avoid this trap, I will also write about my own psychological journey now.
The last time ST relapsed, he opened up to me about it. I told him that if he is able to be honest to himself and to me, that he could learn to beat this and that small relapses along the road might be part of the process (although preferably avoided of course). I told him that I saw that he was taking this seriously and worked really hard to stay clean and that that is enough for me at this moment. ST certainly has been much more willing to work on himself and the addiction lately. A huge relief, because we were getting more stuck as time went by. We have been together for 15+ years.
In our country, watching porn is more accepted than not. I have watched porn myself and talked to my girlfriends about what best to watch. I distinctly remember our sex therapist saying that we shouldn?t feel guilt when watching porn years ago when I brought up that had doubts about it. That answer didn?t resonate well with me, because the guilt wasn?t a problem for both of us. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. Since our society is so open about porn, I find that if I talk about our marriage problems regarding porn that people (my closest friends) sometimes don?t understand what the issue is. A friend finds it hard to grasp the idea of porn/webcam-addiction, and that an addiction is inherently bad for your health and other aspects of life. She views porn as normal and didn?t think I minded the webcamsex, since I had forgiven him in the past on this issue. This has been frustrating for me.
My husband is a good man, but sometimes it is hard to see this through the glasses of my depression. I actually don?t like myself when I am that way, but I have to accept that this is the reality. He is very forgiving in this aspect.
Ten years ago I saw the webcamsex as some form of cheating and was afraid that I wasn?t enough for him or some sort. Now that I know that it is an addiction I can see it as more separate from myself. It is an? illness?, like my depression. We will fight together and support each other in the process of getting past our afflictions, because it is so very hard to get through them.
We both need to examine the root of our problems, which we sometimes don?t want to see, but we absolutely have to. I have been working long and hard on my mental issues. My goal is to start thinking and acting differently and learn to just be as my authentic imperfect self (and simultaneously be more accepting about these imperfect parts of me). I have had help from different therapists and have put different puzzle pieces together and in the right place. Unfortunately, it is a very large puzzle and due to my adhd I sometimes forget very important realisations, because I have so many of them. I have been working so hard on this, that it has been counterproductive in part. I think that if I give myself a little leeway, then there will be more space to grow. Change is difficult, because of that self critical voice inside my head, repeating over and over that I have to do better, try harder in so many aspects of my life. Work...marriage...working on myself...household chores...nutrition..friends/family...etc.
Needless to say we both have lots on our plate.
ST and I are both struggling with ADHD and this means we can understand each other on levels that other people can?t. The downside is that this also leads to clashes. This happens when we are mentally exhausted and our senses have been over-stimulated. We are currently working hard on this with the help of an ADHD specialist. Our ups are like the mount everest right now, but it takes little to knock us off that peak. This can leave us drained for days.
I also struggle with health issues. I?m currently trying to accept the physical pains in my life (I have both explicable and inexplicable pains). I also struggle with tinnitus. Sometimes I get panic attacks when I fear that these pains and these rings will start to rule over my entire life from now on. Through meditation I?m starting to understand more and more that these negative body experiences will naturally subside after they have peaked. Like waves in the ocean. Luckily ST has been incredibly supportive throughout all this. He has started to look beyond the walls around him. Today he was not happy that I hadn?t woken him in the middle of the night, when I had been in pain.
I guess my greatest fear around his addiction is that we won?t make it together, because I don?t want to lose the things that are great about our relationship.
First an introduction: I?m the wife of shadetrenicin, who has been posting on this forum. I?m also not a native english speaker. Today I felt the need to write and share my story and my personal struggles as well as our struggles. This is posted with shadetrenicins permission, given this is also about him.
A few months ago ST admitted that he was addicted to porn and webcamsex. Although we?ve had difficulties with intimacy and he had shut me out almost completely emotionally, this came as a huge shock to me. Although I was angry at him for not being open with me sooner and that he had picked the worst timing (I was/am going through depression), there was also some sense of relief. Small cracks were manifesting in the dense walls around himself he had created and an opportunity arose to tackle the root causes of the marital problems we were experiencing. My personal theory is that addiction often arises because of shortage of love/guidance in some areas when growing up. I knew that if we wanted to make it together the only way was for him to learn to love himself and that he needed my support on this front. I also knew that I needed to avoid my personal trap; forgetting about my own feelings and my own development in this process. To avoid this trap, I will also write about my own psychological journey now.
The last time ST relapsed, he opened up to me about it. I told him that if he is able to be honest to himself and to me, that he could learn to beat this and that small relapses along the road might be part of the process (although preferably avoided of course). I told him that I saw that he was taking this seriously and worked really hard to stay clean and that that is enough for me at this moment. ST certainly has been much more willing to work on himself and the addiction lately. A huge relief, because we were getting more stuck as time went by. We have been together for 15+ years.
In our country, watching porn is more accepted than not. I have watched porn myself and talked to my girlfriends about what best to watch. I distinctly remember our sex therapist saying that we shouldn?t feel guilt when watching porn years ago when I brought up that had doubts about it. That answer didn?t resonate well with me, because the guilt wasn?t a problem for both of us. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. Since our society is so open about porn, I find that if I talk about our marriage problems regarding porn that people (my closest friends) sometimes don?t understand what the issue is. A friend finds it hard to grasp the idea of porn/webcam-addiction, and that an addiction is inherently bad for your health and other aspects of life. She views porn as normal and didn?t think I minded the webcamsex, since I had forgiven him in the past on this issue. This has been frustrating for me.
My husband is a good man, but sometimes it is hard to see this through the glasses of my depression. I actually don?t like myself when I am that way, but I have to accept that this is the reality. He is very forgiving in this aspect.
Ten years ago I saw the webcamsex as some form of cheating and was afraid that I wasn?t enough for him or some sort. Now that I know that it is an addiction I can see it as more separate from myself. It is an? illness?, like my depression. We will fight together and support each other in the process of getting past our afflictions, because it is so very hard to get through them.
We both need to examine the root of our problems, which we sometimes don?t want to see, but we absolutely have to. I have been working long and hard on my mental issues. My goal is to start thinking and acting differently and learn to just be as my authentic imperfect self (and simultaneously be more accepting about these imperfect parts of me). I have had help from different therapists and have put different puzzle pieces together and in the right place. Unfortunately, it is a very large puzzle and due to my adhd I sometimes forget very important realisations, because I have so many of them. I have been working so hard on this, that it has been counterproductive in part. I think that if I give myself a little leeway, then there will be more space to grow. Change is difficult, because of that self critical voice inside my head, repeating over and over that I have to do better, try harder in so many aspects of my life. Work...marriage...working on myself...household chores...nutrition..friends/family...etc.
Needless to say we both have lots on our plate.
ST and I are both struggling with ADHD and this means we can understand each other on levels that other people can?t. The downside is that this also leads to clashes. This happens when we are mentally exhausted and our senses have been over-stimulated. We are currently working hard on this with the help of an ADHD specialist. Our ups are like the mount everest right now, but it takes little to knock us off that peak. This can leave us drained for days.
I also struggle with health issues. I?m currently trying to accept the physical pains in my life (I have both explicable and inexplicable pains). I also struggle with tinnitus. Sometimes I get panic attacks when I fear that these pains and these rings will start to rule over my entire life from now on. Through meditation I?m starting to understand more and more that these negative body experiences will naturally subside after they have peaked. Like waves in the ocean. Luckily ST has been incredibly supportive throughout all this. He has started to look beyond the walls around him. Today he was not happy that I hadn?t woken him in the middle of the night, when I had been in pain.
I guess my greatest fear around his addiction is that we won?t make it together, because I don?t want to lose the things that are great about our relationship.
