I think actually no one respect me. Everybody ignores me. I have so much on my mind between obsession, stress and regrets and I'm getting thin (you'd say "average") but I'm not in the real shape I want damn! I malnurrish myself, I get lazy, immature, fooling like a jerk alone. Internet off course. What would I be without Internet? There is so much on my mind and time just don't give a sh!t it passes at the same old pace slowly fast (time overflow pisses me off!!).
Internet is actually the most controllable emotional trigger, it provides all types of emotions. As a human being I need emotional contact, connexion, joy, positive breakthroughs, laughter and all that. But with Internet all that gets super easy to access, superficial, on a wild range, but real human contact is the only thing Internet can not provide. That is the 10% thing that lack and I profit a looot from these 90% remaining, cutting myself from the real world, from social awkwardness, social situation, social conections, discussion, even though I AM a social person! I AM the type of guy that make everybody laugh or the guy that go talking to the girl laughing and all that stuff, I most like people older than me (and just forget about those who are under my age lol).
Maybe it's my high "social integrity", my own requirements that may be loud. But it is part of me so I can't change that. This is my style. And I do like it. BUT I'm aware I have to make the effort to make social connections with ALL kind people. This is what I did through my last internship. I have to adapt my communication according to the age, the beliefs, the integrity of the persons and it is why it is fun, it is like a game where you gain some sort of skills and I find that pretty rewarding! But at the same time, I have my own emotions to "master". Well not "mastering" but letting flows into the situation naturally. For example there was a time where I discussed about the subject of women with this hilarious guy during my last internship he was 26 marrried and had a daughter. But yet he had a kinda "hot" youth. And so he basically said he had like 3-4 girlfriends at the same time when he was my age (20). And it was totally NOT my perspective. Indeed I fight to be "pure" and I want only one relationship. And after a little silent with tiny tears in the eyes, I said that to him. And he was a bit shocking but cool and he said "you're serious that's good" and he add" but that's not good when you're young, you have to test different things and stick with a person you find great". But even though it made a bit sense, it is not what I'm about. For me the act, the relationship, the feelings, one's virginity is "gifted", it is the most intimate thing you can give to the person you love. So I continued to argue about my OWN integrity about this with a smile and he was cool respecting my choice. And I felt like "responsible" at that time, like I was assuming myself through the pain it may causes and the bitterness. I knew I was in my own struggle to beat this to live the life I always wanted to live. This is what I'm about. Being FINALLY myself.
So now it is the title of my journal, it is loneliness. I'm alone and very alone, with bitter nostalgia, regrets, past dwelling but the past is the past. And my brain is in this past-fog thinking about relapses, missed opportunities, justifications, but damn get over it brainy!! lol. Make me rich, make me in amazing shape, make me extremely wealthy, make me surrounded by positive amazing good people, make me get what I want! There's a thing called autosuggestion. But I just see myself having the things I want already in my possession everynight I guess, I do it naturally without even thinking about it. I have to condition my subconscious by habits, thoughts and real results and over and over till I get what I want. But I've always been doing that naturally since I'm a boy maybe. That is why I met some very beautiful girls through my beginning life. And they become more and more beatiful and multiple as I grow that is so good lol. But I have to get in shape for me, for them, mentally, physically. That's all. And it may look like a "game" or something but it is very risky especially if I have a CRUSH for a super beautiful girl that seems to HAVE A CRUSH TO ON ME damn!!! And then you relapse and you lost her all you got is bittersweet memories and humiliation and tears!!! :'( But one thing I know is that, if it's the case, I always get more than the biggest thing I lost, especially in the girl subject. Even though now I'm very alone and imagine myself all alone during all my life, but that's bullsh!t! lol.
So to sum up:
_Internet is ultra-accessible and controllable and provide emotions I need as a human being BUT not real human contact and real good connections which is VERY important.
_My social requirements are what they are it is what I am BUT I have to handle loneliness, tears, communication with other persons staying NATURAL. And it is fun! lol.
_Dwelling on the past is the easiest thing I can do and it is hard not doing it BUT I have to act right, be on time and APPLY my own self-disciplined integrity. NO MATTER how tough is the pain, it will may be the best thing for me actually to get through it.
That's it: no Internet bigger than 30 minutes (now that I got all the knowledge I needed in some pdfs mp3s or videos lol), make connections with real people (but don't forget to respect myself obviously) and apply that damn daily integrity on time (I will get through this stronger and better).
