Let's Discuss Healthy Coping Mechanisms!

One thing I've noticed here on Reboot Nation is the lack of discussion around developing healthy coping mechanisms to actually help us overcome porn addiction.

Understandably, we're all incredibly committed, but a lot of the time it seems like people don't actually have a strategy in place in order to ensure that their reboot will be successful. In addition, there seems to be a lot of helplessness in this forum, when that's energy that could be used towards making improvements to our life, and so I want to turn that around!

So two things:
- What are your healthy coping mechanisms?
- How and why do they work?

Personally for me, meditating daily and not to taking my emotions personally are the two things which have helped me tremendously in terms of helping me overcome porn addiction.

They help because they essentially allow me to have control over my emotions, which I believe is 90% of the battle with overcoming porn addiction. Then, if I do happen to have a change in mood, either due to craving for porn or simply feeling down, learning to relax and not let it influence me helps me get through it unscathed.

What are all your different strategies?

I am very new to this, but very interested in this aspect. Because it is not ?just? willpower. 

-I am trying to do short daily meditations. Joping this help with anxiety that may lead me astray.
-And focus in some hobbies that had fallen to the side when this and some other more minor addictions have taken over. I need somehing positive to do.
-Also, trying to just sit with my emotions rather than run from them. 

Interested in what other people to do help...

Exercise is great for both the body and the mind. The brain rewards itself with dopamine when you have a good workout which, coupled with the fact that the body tires out, drastically reduces the urge to PMO. At least most of the time it does with me, anyway. Providing yourself with diversions is also important. If you're sitting at home alone all day, you'll be unfulfilled. It'll get you down. You'll feel lonely. And then the brain will want to feel happy the best way it knows how. Getting out and about can add some fulfillment to a day you have off from work or school. Lethargy leads to relapse. Even if you're not the social type, find yourself something to do around the house to keep yourself busy and occupy your attention. Clean the place up a little, read a book, anything that adds fulfillment and enjoyment to your life. And when the urges come knocking, and they will, have a plan to distract yourself from them. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling as your brain fixates on its desire to look at porn won't do you any favors. Distract yourself with something that distances you from sexual thoughts. That's all I've got.

I completely agree with basically everything you said - there is distinct lack of strategy and planning here; everyone just seems to subsist on willpower and hope.

I also agree that mindfulness/meditation is key, not only for handling urges but emotions as well. I think daily meditation is key to help understand how emotions can give rise to impulses and cravings. Once you can recognize a craving in a similar light to something like birds chirping outside, it becomes much less significant.

This talk from Alan Watts is pure gold as well, (just listen to the first lecture, it ends at about 30 minutes or so

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8B6OcZuyIw

WoundedSparrow said:

Exercise is great for both the body and the mind. The brain rewards itself with dopamine when you have a good workout which, coupled with the fact that the body tires out, drastically reduces the urge to PMO. At least most of the time it does with me, anyway. Providing yourself with diversions is also important. If you're sitting at home alone all day, you'll be unfulfilled. It'll get you down. You'll feel lonely. And then the brain will want to feel happy the best way it knows how. Getting out and about can add some fulfillment to a day you have off from work or school. Lethargy leads to relapse. Even if you're not the social type, find yourself something to do around the house to keep yourself busy and occupy your attention. Clean the place up a little, read a book, anything that adds fulfillment and enjoyment to your life. And when the urges come knocking, and they will, have a plan to distract yourself from them. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling as your brain fixates on its desire to look at porn won't do you any favors. Distract yourself with something that distances you from sexual thoughts. That's all I've got.

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So much this. The main reason why I was able to go straight up 120 days during my first reboot was because I was a gym rat at the time. I used to work out in the evening 4-5 times per week and when I came home, there was basically no need to PMO. I was feeling great albeit tired. And I basically only PMOed at night, so that was off the table. Many people think, lifting wouldn't fulfill them but that is not true. Lifting is for everyone. Consider looking into it and getting started!

Any other suggestions for healthy coping mechanisms aside from exercise and meditation (which are both great suggestions btw)?  I? e been reading that getting a hobby is a good distractions and gives your brain something positive to focus on. Does music help anyone (obviously without explicit wording)?  Looking for other distractions when I am thinking about it too much that I can turn to instead of going down the wrong path.

I've found that reading can be a great coping mechanism if done when cravings are not at their worst. Especially books that demand you read carefully in order to follow the plot or line of thought. This occupies the mind with things other than just immediate experience. You begin "living in someone else's head" in a way. It may be hard at first, but there are few more rewarding experiences than sticking with it. That being said some novels are more likely to trigger you than others, so every person has to determine their own sensitivity level. I've never read a pre-1900 classic that triggered me, but that could be due to choice. Just be careful not to read something your told you "should" read, by a friend or website. Unless it is one that truly interests you, forcing yourself to read a book you are recommended is a guaranteed way to lose interest and begin fantasizing again. Being honest with yourself about your likes and dislikes is also a part of freeing yourself from the expectations of society when it comes to manliness, etc. For some stupid reason we've had it hammered into our heads since high school that reading is less manly than being into sports (nothing against sports, I like them myself) and that learning is something that doesn't get you anywhere. Try to think of a single movie that doesn't make it seem like readers are either nerds or losers (Dead Poets Society doesn't count). I can't think of one. Not one. Think about what that does to a young person subconsciously, especially a teenager. It tells them that they have to conform to a certain template, like some puppet who can't make up his own mind about his or her likes or dislikes. And I don't care what anyone says to the contrary: ANYONE can find a book that interests them, if you just take some topic or genre you've been wondering about and do an Amazon search. I've never met a person who wasn't interested in something unrelated to sports. Personally, I never purchase through Amazon, because I think Jeff Bezos is a crook. Nonetheless, there are plenty of bookstores out there, and though they can be quite limited in stock there's always something to find.

Reading about porn addiction are a slippery slope for early nofappers IMO. I remember reading YBOP and being triggered when several guys in a row would start bragging about the great sex they were having. It just started bringing back memories of scenes I'd watched and wasn't good for me in the long run. For that reason I won't read books on porn just yet, even though it is important to learn the facts. But when you consider that all addictions show the same brain activation and chemical release I don't see why everyone couldn't read a book on drug addiction if they really want to. Many great resources on youtube also, but don't start browsing too much.

As you can tell, I'm also a writer. Sorry for the wordy reply but I think the death of literacy is quickly becoming the defining problem of our time. 

Any other suggestions for healthy coping mechanisms aside from exercise and meditation (which are both great suggestions btw)?  I? e been reading that getting a hobby is a good distractions and gives your brain something positive to focus on. Does music help anyone (obviously without explicit wording)?  Looking for other distractions when I am thinking about it too much that I can turn to instead of going down the wrong path.

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Listening to or playing music is extremely healthy for the brain. It has been shown to reduce anxiety and increase wellbeing. Singing also has this effect. For whatever reason I get cramps in my body from playing guitar. It must have something to do with the posture, but I'm not sure. If it weren't for that I would play guitar every day.

Great post, Alex!

When I want to buy a book and it's only available on amazon, I go to my local book store and tell them to order that book for me to buy it. So, they buy it from a big seller and then I buy it from them. It's a little more expensive (like 1 ?) but I'm happy to pay for it in order to keep "my" little book store alive.

Thanks Pete. Good on you, I do the same.

Great idea about reading something interesting (but staying away from reading about porn addiction...this triggers me a lot).  I have lost interest in reading recently, will try and work on that.  Playing music is also a good one.  I can't play much because of pain, but I do enjoy making music.  I have found that dabbling in art is therapeutic (just no nudes).

I think a lot of it also comes down to simply embracing those negative feelings in a healthy way.

Obviously urges are urges, and depression is depression, but relaxing into it and deciding to just calm down, rather than react to it is such a huge thing. Because while most coping mechanisms work for everyday situations, let's say you were faced with some kind of unavoidable trauma like running over someone in your car or losing an arm in a work accident.

Would those events, as awful as they are, warrant self-harm? So sometimes keeping things simple and just deciding to be calm can be as effective as any kind of extensive strategy.