So, I've reached day ten of no porn and I made some observations that, I think, are worth sharing. This is the most important observation: Letting go of porn is a lot more like letting go of cigarettes than any other drug I've "had the pleasure with". I haven't done anything other than alcohol, weed and cigarettes but I'm not doing any of those today. I stopped smoking seven years ago. Drinking and weed had to go, almost to the day, three years ago. So, I'm lucky enough to have some experience with rebooting my brain from drug abuse.
So, how are cigarettes similar to porn? Well, it's the way I experience cravings. With alcohol and weed I was mostly tempted in situations where I used to drink or smoke. The cravings were strong and particularly so when I was around people that were using those drugs. Cigarettes I craved far more often. I wanted to smoke in all kinds of situations and the cravings were also different. With alcohol I would and sometimes "miss" the sensation of a cold beer pouring down my throat or the taste of a good white wine. With weed I would and still do "miss" the relaxed act of smoking weed (I didn't use tobacco in the end) and then just enjoying myself and feeling all cozy. This is actually a little funny since I smoked far too much in the end and therefore I was almost never relaxed. I was much more often hyperactive, anxious and angry.
With cigarettes I would either see myself in a particular situation, e.g. a social gathering, and imagine myself with a cigarette, or I would have strong physical cravings. A feeling in my body that was like an internal push or nudge. A feeling of intention and an urge for cigarettes that just felt right. My whole body was affirming that action. With porn, it's a lot like that.
Since my last post the feeling has also become a lot like a challenge. A feeling of "Hey, you know you're good with resisting temptations. You've survived cigarettes, alcohol and weed. You'll be able to handle a tiny glimpse at one image. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Remember how good it felt? One glimpse won't hurt!". This is just the rationalization of a feeling. I can actually emotionally remember how good it felt. I know how beautiful those curves were.
In fact, that idea was present with smoking as well. I attempted to get rid off smokes at least four times (probably more). Sometimes, I lived without them for months and then relapsed because I thought: "You've always had a smoke with a beer. What is a beer without a smoke? I overwhelmed the addiction, I'm king of my urges now. One cigarette won't hurt.". That happened at least twice. The other time it was a lot like that because I didn't want to give up smoking weed with tobacco. Man, was I crazy about smoking a joint back then.
What's also very similar to cigarettes: I've felt shitty for the most part of the last four days. Irritable, demotivated and tired, and above all that inner "where the fuck is the point in... anything?!". It got better yesterday and today I'm even better again. Still, it's a lot like cigarettes only a little worse. With cigarettes I was mostly just irritable.
So, what's the message to take from here? Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news first. I've relapsed a lot with cigarettes. Of all my vices, giving up cigarettes has been toughest for me so far and smoking is not even the most central human drive. After all, we are fighting with our misled drive to procreate. Here's the good news though: Of all my vices, it taught me best how to really let go of something that is so deeply integrated in your understanding of yourself that you see a cigarette glued to your hand every time you think about yourself. An addiction that is so tied to your neurochemistry that it is almost physically painful to let go. Giving up nicotine taught me how to let go. As simple as that.
It also was the beginning of a period of my life where I would reinvent myself. That period is still ongoing. One integral part of this period has been letting go of stuff that dragged me down, did damage to me and just didn't lead me anywhere. I'm a new person because more than seven years ago I started a battle. I fought that battle for a long time and I was successful. Not because I was already strong but because I failed over and over again. This is no joke, I truly believe, what really made me successful was that trying and trying trained my ability to let go or at least wrestle down the beast. Willpower is a lot like a muscle. Sounds like awesome news to me because as long as I keep trying with attainable goals, I can't lose, it's impossible.
Good luck to you guys out there.