15 year old finally quitting, just bear with me and read/help me.

I have been masturbating since 12, starting in March 2013 (used to think it was a few days before my birthday but i found new info from an account i had that says otherwise). I never masturbated without porn. It is now September 2015. I said I would quit on 24 December 2014. It has been 9 months, and now, if this streak shall be my last, i will achieve 90 at 366 days after the initial commitment.

My porn use escalated extremely quickly. In 2013 (i guess my brain somehow knew) I knew doing it too much might be bad, so i restricted myself to every few days. But once I saw how much hot stuff there was online, it collapsed within a matter of months and by January 2014 that whole rule was nonexistent. This year it has been off and on because I'm trying to quit, but I am still very bad. I have only made it to 7 days 3 times, and my longest streak is 12, ended by an extreme depressive episode (didn't read what my withdrawal symptoms would be.)
I feel like I'm walking on a lonely road without much determination, my new essentially unblock proof filters and willpower alone shall help me. I'm going through this journey while I'm still young, and before it's too late. I'm bad enough already in terms of the effects of porn on me.

I used to deny sexuality towards people, thinking any sexual thoughts towards people= pervert. I started using porn, because hey, it's not people! Bad, bad mistake. I'm at the point now where I can only get hard to porn, and real people give me no reaction whatsoever from my penis. PIED and PE as a result of porn. This gives me a real sense of inadequacy

I think I have HOCD. Please help me with this, it's killing me inside, and not because I would hate myself if I was gay, but because I don't know what I want. I started watching gay porn, and I thought I was gay. Which I would be fine with. However, i noticed, I masturbate to gay porn, and throw it away. When I watch porn, I look at the guys. Usually, they are a reflection of what I want to be appearance like, and I really masturbate to my own self image problems as I will talk about a few paragraphs down. When I look at guys and develop relationships with guys... it's just not there. All I feel is anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. I can think, hey, he's cute, and develop what I think are false attractions. I "got crushes" on guys and they fade within weeks or a month. Theres no sense of wanting to live with the person or kiss and the big one, not even have sex with them. It just comes and goes. I doubt my gay-ness due to this.

With girls however, I developed a crush on one before porn. I wanted to see her all the time, talk to her ALL THE TIME. We did talk all the time, and while it faded after like 2 years (strange, masturbating to gay porn but wanting to love this girl.), I felt a real desire to connect with her, and kiss and hug her ALL THE TIME. Real sappy stuff. But as I said earlier, I REFUSED to think of sex with a person, because thats bad and perverted, so I refused to think about sex to her and went on my merry way fapping to porn. I think I like girls because of this, but I haven't had a crush since. It's tearing me apart, there's no way i'm asexual, i get urges and boners to sexual thoughts about pornos! I need to rewire my brain. Any comments on this please? I need to know your opinion, emphasis on NEED.

I have no motivation to do or try anything, I just wanna sit at home fapping and sitting in my comfort zone. My biggest trigger is opening my front door after school. I need to quit, what can I do to help restrict myself? I am a 15 year old nerd who has never played sports or exercised in his life, and therefore is very weak. This plus the fact that I look 12 give me a feeling of inadequacy like no other, and all I do is get depressed over the fact that I look this way and that I'm so weak I can barely do anything. I've just started the gym a month ago, and do go every time, but I get so much anxiety from the other men in the gym, and the slamming of weights and atmosphere. I really have to push myself in there mentally as well as physically.

And finally, random irritability as most men have it. Annoying, but I can deal with it.

My self shame keeps bringing me back, but it's not like puberty and working out will instantly get rid of everything I shame and depress myself about. A change can't come overnight and help me out. What can I do to get rid of all this Please comment below?

And finally, thank you so much for listening to my woes and story.

 

Sup breh

Look, Im gonna be plain and simple, if u want to change u have to do it the hard way.

I do understand you, I used to be a fat nerdy kid until the age of 16 when I turned everything around in my life. I was tired of not enjoying life to the fullest. Gym, sports, parties. I forced myself to do those things even though I did not want to do them at first. It was a though road, but I pushed trough it. It was a long road, 2 years of mostly fixing mental scars not the physical ones. I went from a socially akward fat nerd to an arrogant aesthetic swimmer. During that process I did not fix one thing and that was porn usage. Even though most girls I knew at the time wanted me, for me they were not up to par with my "standards". Porn kept me satisifed, until I realised I have a problem. And here I am 75 days free of porn.

Dude, life is short, look at this as an opprotunity to change yourself, not only your porn problem. Delete your games, sign up to the gym and find another hobby. Start socializing with people, force yourself to do it. It will be akward and you will probobly look like a fool at first but there is no way around it. I went trough that. A good book for that is called "Tao of a badass". It has the basic things you ll want to know. Also another good thing are challenges which are ment to train your "Not giving a fuck" muscle. Google it and youll find it.

Ur fearing the gym people, but guess what, they dont care about you. People in the gym dont care there about other people (unless your buff as fuck, or a hot ass girl or you are getting crushed by a weight).

Look, if you were gay u would know it. Gay people KNOW that they are gay. Thats prob porn induced and not your real sexuality.

Now about the porn thing, install K9, read everything u can if u havnt done that already and spend less time in home in front of the screen. The less you are home, the less you will want to masturbate. Dedicate your free time into improving yourself. There is nothing more you can really do, just know the triggers and avoid them, simple as that.

I wish I could find another hobby, but I don't exactly have much money to do that. I have a huge list of hobbies I want to experiment with.I'm so tired of the internet and gaming,and of course the big bad ones P and M. However, I'm a few years young for essentially all of them, and right now I have to deal with my job, going to the gym (hopefully my routine works!) and my school. If I were to do a sport, it would be hurling, but there's nothing about hurling in america that I know of, it's a gaelic game. Well, deleting games, I did that but inadvertently by screwing up my hard drive and having to reset it. I've been done with games for a while though. Socializing I've gradually gotten better with, but quitting will help me 10000%. Parties were never really my thing, but they are definitely yours! Honestly, I don't really care or want to care about having sex all the time, I just want to have the capacity to fall in love with a girl. This thing is killing me from the inside with the fact that I can't fall in love or find any one at all attractive in real life! I can change that around though.

I didn't bother to read my post again, and you said that the people in the gym don't care about me. I agree with that statement, but I just don't like them because they are so annoying. All I hear while I'm there is the slamming of a ridiculously heavy weight, a loud grunt when they finish reps, and just in general being kind of assholish to the other 75% of the people in the gym who are courteous and just trying to get fit or stay fit. They are on another level.

Good for you with your recovery! But don't just stop at 75 days! You can get rid of it forever! Although I am wondering, how do you become an "aesthetic swimmer"? (not that I want to, but I'm just confused with that.) Also, I may not want to this, and I feel weird saying this but, uh, go get em! 

76 days, but Im not recovered yet. Withdrawls hitting me hard. Mostly anxiety.

You become an aesthetic swimmer by swimming (ofc), working out and eating healthy. Swimming is the best cardio, your body never conditions the same way as it does with running plus it trains muscle, destroys fat and gives u nice, tonned look to your body which chicks dig. Why wouldnt any1 want an amazing body is beyond me though

Try out all of those planned hobbies. Besides gym and swimming my other hobbie is drawing. After the gym I take my drawing notepad and had outside during the night and draw under the streetlights. It leaves me mentaly exausted, calms me down.

See, you do the same mistake most people do and confuse love with simple crush/attraction. Its not really the same thing. Love is a much stronger version of crush/attraction. Its when you even seperated with your other half u will always long, miss, stay faitfull to them. Its when you know you REALLY and I do mean REALLY cant live without them. Love isnt something that happens in one day. It takes months even years to develop. I really hate it when I hear people using this word without actually knowing what it means, how strong it actually is. To fall in love first you need to develop a crush and they develop not only from physical attraction but something on a deeper level as well. So unless your talking to girls, spending time, dating them you cant really develop a crush on them.

About the gym, well, when u are pushing big ass weights, its hard not to grunt and not to drop them. Get used to it. And, staying fit sounds lame breh, why would you want to spend your life bieng avarage? Its always better to strife for perfection. Its good that you started with weights at that age, I didnt do it srsly until I was 17.

Parties were not my thing as well. First ones I attended for me were akward, uneasy. Youll get older, more confident and thats when youll prob will want to see what the big fuss about them.

Also, its best to cut all internet out. The only websites I use is this (rebootnation) and youtube. Tbh, I dont have any fun on computer like I used to have. It feels boring lazy so I usally just take long walks (3-4 hours ones). Spend more time with your friends and people in general outside, face to face.

Stay strong my friend...you are not alone. Private message me anytime for help or support.  Robbie21

freemenow, I was just reading your post and it SHOCKED ME a lot. Why? Cause I can't believe how alike we are on the sexuality matter. I started watching porn as a straight man watching straight porn. After a few years I started watching gay porn and jerking off on gay porn. Also, EVERY TIME I watch a porn video I imagine I am that guy, I have his body and my dick is as big as his. I really think I am bisexual, but I don't know. I would like to talk more to you about our issues. You can find my "story" here: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6969.0