Realizing I'm in hell

gummianka

Active Member
I am 40+ and I just hit rock bottom. After a really bad relationship in the past, and then many unfulfilling encounters with women, I decided to quit dating at all. This celibacy lasted for a few years.

I have always used porn, to some degree, and for the last few years I used it a lot. As I now read about this, I see that my story with porn is not unique, but very common. Some time ago I actually met a woman I was genuinly interesed in, and to my horror I realized that I could not get it up. I want her, I am crazy about her but I just cannot go through having sex with her. We live quite a bit apart, so will only see her once every month at best, and this goddamn PIED is ruining everything. When sex failed I tested a few days after with porn, and sure, I could get an erection. :(

I am at a really dark place now. Will go and see a doctor as soon as I can get an appointment, but already know that this is the main cause. Been wiping my PC clean now and installed a porn filter, and tomorrow will be my first day of no porn. I have for some time been edging only, thinking that ejaculation was the bad thing, but now I have found out that I have been actually making it worse by doing that.

Suppose I only want to went. Not sure where this will lead, but I really know that I do not want to be the person I am today. Any feedback is welcomed, and I will try to keep this updated on what happens if I can help, or possibly even better, warn anyone else.

Realizing that jacking off to pixels on a screen could be sabotaging one of the best opprtunities to find happiness in my life is a hard blow indeed.
 

bob

Respected Member
Welcome to RN. You have found a very supportive group of people that are working towards a common goal.

Read all you can
Journal (already started)
Post on others journals
And don't beat yourself up.

Will write more later.

Peace
 

Jailbird

Member
Hey gummianka, sounds like you have all the motivation you need. If this woman is as great as you say then what are you waiting for? As Bob advises, read a lot, get a plan together and stick to it. Most of us here, for better or worse (slight joke) are married and so already have  someone to do this for. The fellas that dont have partners, I feel for these guys as they are in a sense alone in the fight. (But they are also free to follow their paths, and are not victims to the depression and triggers that spouses/relationships often cause).

So as well as getting a plan together, stay focused on this woman. When it happens you will be punching the air!

JB
 

hoopvol

Active Member
Hi Hans,

I'm a partner and I can tell you, that a man changes when he's "on Porn". When you manage to stay away from it, you'll notice changes in you, that aren't just about your performance. You'll become more attractive, you'll have more energy (eventually) and it changes the way you look at women. When you manage to stay away from P, you'll become a better version of "you" and she will find that very attractive. 8)
 

HopeSprings

Active Member
I think we give out vibes when not all is well. I just recently have had people out and ask me why I've not been in a relationship for years, or even if I was gay, the truth of porn and certainly those that can cope with a safe dose in society (like having a drink or two) have no understanding how all encompassing and life sapping this escalating addiction is.

You're not alone, send me a message any time. I've had my own problems and little victories since the mid 1990's. Its tainted my perception of love and my relationships, and even self confidence for way too long. I think about porn as willingly stepping into a bear trap and that image keeps it at bay at the moment.

Have a look at the yourbrainonporn link at the top of the page to get an understanding, fightthenewdrug.org has some amazing resources too and is a site reflective of our modern times.
 

gummianka

Active Member
Thanks all for the answers so far. It really mean a lot to me.

OK, I might as well keep my journal here. Today is day one. No real temptations or anything special happening all day. Went and saw a doctor this afternoon, and although he didn't say anything about PIED, he told me I was healthy and that it was all in my head, and gave me Viagra. So at least I know there is nothing physical, and it feels good to have the Blue Pills (never tried it) in my back pocket if by any chance I should meet this woman again within any foreseeable future. Also decided to quit smoking, thinking I could make all of this into a life imporovement over all, rather then just fighting this one thing. Set a lot of goals today regarding my training, so I can focus a lot on that as well. So starting a Chantix cycle tomorrow. Think that drug will also keep me occupied.

I think this girl is a lost cause (for more reasons than this) and will not do this for her sake, but rather for me. I do not want to get in a place where I can say "fuck it, might as well jack off to some porn".

Been reading a lot on this site and yourbrainonporn and I must say that among all the horrid stories out there, I do find hope, people that seem to have bounced back and gotten healthy, reclaimed their masculinity. I have decided to be one of them.

Next step (tomorrow) is to start looking up meditation, and try to get good at that. The same way I have trained my body, I will try to train my brain now. Since I am quite good at building my physical strength and my muscles, I am assuming the same principles can be applied here. Bottom line being, it is not going to be a quick fix, it is not going to be easy, and it will hurt, but there is victory at the end of the journey, even if I cannot see it yet.
 

gummianka

Active Member
Next journal.
Feeling very depressed. I decided to do this only two days ago, and had been porn free about five days before that. Cannot shake the feeling that this realization simply came too late, that I am done. Finding myself thinking "whats the point" all the time. I see posts of guys that write that they are healthy, that they can hace sex again, but I cannot see it for myself. And the more depressed I become, the more a part of my brain tells me to go out and find some porn to masturbate to as a comfort.

As for now, what is keeping me going is only pride. Yeah, sure, I'm wasted, sure, I will never live as a normal man, yeah sure, I am this fucking weirdo, but at least I will go out on my two feet.

I am used to depression and being in a bad state, suppose that is how I landed in this mess in the first place, but man, I feel myself sinking fast now. Today, I am not in a good place.
 

gummianka

Active Member
And a question. What the hell should I tell this woman? Should I simply see this as a lost cause? Should I tell her that a long time of no sex (true) mean that it wil take some time for me to start functioning again? I dunno what to do here really. realizing that looking at some fucking pixels on a screen took away the only woman I have really had strong feelings for is...well, it makes me realize I am in Hell.
 
N

notgivinup

Guest
The best place to start is with the truth....just tell her the truth. She will respect that. If she is interested in you and cares for you...she'll wait for the changes.

You are a healthy guy....your body (and your brain) WILL respond. All the PIED did not just happen over night, and it won't go away over night....but IT WILL GO AWAY....if you stay on course and keep walking away from porn.

Replace it....don't just sit around and white knuckle trying to not do it...replace it with something else.

You CAN do this, it isn't too late. The first few days and first couple weeks feel like crap...but you just accept that and you say no to it anyway.

You sound like you are determined and that you are motivated to do this. I am looking forward to hearing about your successes and changes. Keep it up....you can do this.

Glad you're here.

NGU
 

gummianka

Active Member
Thank you. I am glad you posted that reply now, and that I read it before I go to bed. I will muster up my courage and tell her later in the week, also to fish if she still has any interest in me. her answer should however not have any real impact on this journay. I need to do this for me, no matter what.
 

bob

Respected Member
gummianka,

We are so glad the trip is still planned. It is important to take this one, even if there is no one in the picture.

We are proud of you.

Peace
 

zidnuz

Member
Quite moved by this poster's predicament.  And while it may sound corny and clich?d, who among us can forget the classic scene in Rocky II.  Apollo:  "You're goin' DOWN!  Rocky:  "Nahhh. No way"

Apollo is spelled with a "p".  And Rocky has the sound of reboot.

If the scene and the analogy work, then why not.  Here it is...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEGY_fLBCsQ
 

zidnuz

Member
"...and I will be doing this trip alone. She's out of the picture."

That, my friend, must have been hard to write.  I take it she wanted no part of this and you for your plight...or you both agreed it was something you had to do on your own.

Either way, may I suggest -- if she is worth it to you -- that you consider her a goal worth pursuing.  The end result, in a way, of your best effort over, say, the next 2 or 3 months.

I am fortunate that I have a loving spouse, no matter what.  But she doesn't, by the way, know of my struggle. (She figures "all men do it and need it", so no protest. M that is. But speaking of that, I wonder as I read these messages:

I thought m was normal?  Animals do it in nature. Wouldn't we explode without the release, assuming no other outlet in our lives -- like yourself.  So why isn't occasional masturbation (without p) acceptable.  Not trying to be a heretic here.  Just a serious question.

Good luck to you. Will be hoping and watching.




 

bob

Respected Member
zidnuz,

zidnuz said:
I thought m was normal?  Animals do it in nature. Wouldn't we explode without the release, assuming no other outlet in our lives -- like yourself.  So why isn't occasional masturbation (without p) acceptable. 

I suspect some can do it every once in a while; no big deal. I just know that as a intersexuality male, I can't do it. Once leads to twice, four, eight times... then there seems to be an increased need to watch jiggle videos. From there I am sunk. Back to the same old, same old.

Peace to you.

 

Polar

Member
gummianka said:
...and I will be doing this trip alone. She's out of the picture.

I'm sorry to hear that, but it's better than - my new wife just found these photos on my phone.  She wonders why if I loved her as much as I say, I didn't stop when I met her.  She thinks I have a low sex drive.....  She says it wasn't fair that I didn't let her know I had a problem.  I should have given her the choice.

THAT is my true story.
 

gummianka

Active Member
Thanks for the comments.

Feeling really sick today. Not sure if it is nofap,
sadness, the anti smoke pills or all of it.

Still no porn. Been touching myself a bit, but
Am quite limp now. Wonder if flatline can come
This early?
Depression urges me to seek comfort in porn but
resisting. Headache that is splitting my scull and
No appetite. Tired all the time. Slept after work and
Will fall asleep again soon.
 

zidnuz

Member
Steady.  You are a pilot in a storm.  Of a big 747.  Eyes on the gauges and straight ahead. The clouds will lift. 
 
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