Non-Dual Adventurer
Active Member
Hi guys,
I'll try and keep this short.
I'm here for support because I have nobody in my life who can relate and help. I communicate openly with my wife about it, but there's not a lot she can really do to help as she can't relate directly to my situation. The last time I wrote a journal it was on another recovery website and I was able to be clean from PMO for 100 days in monk mode, and then another 6 months in a sexual relationship having orgasms during sex. That was 5 years ago. Since then I have been PMO'ing an average of around 3 times a week. Now I'm really done with it and I need help.
Let me start with my story of how I started watching porn.
I was 13 when my parents first got broadband that was fast enough to load porn. I would flick through the internet videos which were at the time, only like 10 second clips. For the first two years, I just watched occasionally and got hard. It was exciting and it was an escape from the intense depression and anxiety I had felt since the age of 8. It was an escape from my suicidal thoughts and from my sense of isolation and self-hatred. It was an escape from myself. When I was 15, I PMO'd for the first time. It was an insane high - I felt like I was on cloud 9. It was also the first time I had ever MO'd. Shortly after I was doing it every single day. I didn't know it was bad for my sexual health - everyone at school would talk about porn and wanking all the time, so I thought it was a normal, natural thing to do. But I soon noticed that when I was with a girl, I wouldn't feel that urge to get with her nearly as strongly as I remembered from before I PMO'd. When I was with a girl, I couldn't get it up. I had a girlfriend for like a year when I was 16, I was a dick to her and cheated on her. We had sex but it was terrible. I thought there was something profoundly wrong with me. Porn may have taken the edge off my depression but I still wanted to kill myself. I had constant brain-fog, and was totally unable to concentrate at school. When I wasn't having brain fog, I was having anxiety attacks or intense bouts of depression. It was a difficult childhood, and my teenage years were even harder.
When I was 18, I went to university to study Music (somehow I still got into one of the top universities in my country!). First year involved me hearing about everyone else having sex and enjoying it, and it just being a normal thing. However, I was unable. My noodle would usually just stay limp, or get a slight chub, but I was far from excited, and I didn't know why. That's when I found yourbrainonporn.com. It opened my eyes to so many things, and I immediately started a journal on a recovery forum. It was an amazing feeling to know why it was that I was so fucked up. After a few hiccups at the beginning, I managed 100 days PMO free, in total 'monk mode'. It was at the end of that that I found my ex, who was 11 1/2 years older than me, with a lot of experience. It was a beautiful, if short-lived relationship, that lasted 6 months. During that 6 months, I didn't watch porn at all, but I did have successful sex regularly that always ended in orgasm.
Then, I moved countries to live and work as a musician. I missed her but it was right that we broke up. It wouldn't have been able to last - it was a fast-burning, mutually beneficial relationship. I loved her, though. I still do, in a way. Maybe I always will, in a way.
I spoke to my family about my porn addiction, and they were supportive like any family would be. I told me friends. They all told me I was brave. I also went very public at this point about my porn use and recovery, in the hope that it would help others. I never thought it would come back, but it did.
Shortly after moving, I started watching porn again.
It started off as 'oh, just this once', and quickly became a regular thing. It wasn't as every day as it once had been, but it was regular. Then I met a girl 5 years younger than me, and we entered into a relationship. I was 22. The sex was amazing (and not illegal as in most European countries the age of consent is younger!). I was with her for a year and 9 months and hated almost every moment. She was a mean, spoilt little princess who treated me like shit. I watched porn throughout the entirety of the relationship. After I finally dumped her, I continued to watch porn, but I kind of 'made my peace' with it.
I started meditating when I was in uni (age 18-22), and that turned me from being an outright atheist to being spiritual. Through meditation, I have had numerous transcendental experiences. I know from these that it is possible for a human being to reach higher states of consciousness, and permanently transcend this dream-like existence, that is created in our minds through identification with objects. However, I have continued to watch porn for the past 5 years.
I met my (now) wife on 31st December 2017. To this day I am amazed as to how we met. I was holding a New Year's Eve party at my flat in Germany, and she was a friend of a friend. My friend was late to the party (turns out he liked her and was trying to get with her), and Bianca and I hit it off instantly. I am now married to a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman, two years younger than me, and she is without a doubt the love of my life. I love her with every fibre of my being and I am so grateful. I now live in Arizona with her, and I'm going through the immigration process. It's a long process and I have a lot of time to myself by my computer. I am not officially allowed to work but Bianca and I are building a music school, which I am spending a lot of time working on but not (officially) getting paid for it. We are living with her parents, who are lovely people, but it is stressful. Recently, we have been house-sitting for a rich family in their lovely home. It is great to have some alone time together. I don't have many friends here yet, but I regularly do Kung Fu which enables me to leave the house and meet new people.
Sex-wise we have incredible sex, but when I watch porn my erections suffer for usually a day or two. I know this is not as severe PIED as some on this site. I also appreciate that I am very lucky in that I have a reboot partner, whom I love and am extremely attracted to. This is true, but I want to kick this silly habit once and for all. I feel porn has been holding me back from achieving my dreams. Whenever I feel bored, lonely, anxious, angry, or depressed, my first go-to is the computer, which almost inevitably turns into me watching porn.
I watched porn today, so I guess I'm on Day 0.
If anyone can give me any advice I would be most grateful. They say that the first two step of addiction recovery are 1) admitting you have a problem and 2) asking for help.
This is me asking for help.
- Adventurer
I'll try and keep this short.
I'm here for support because I have nobody in my life who can relate and help. I communicate openly with my wife about it, but there's not a lot she can really do to help as she can't relate directly to my situation. The last time I wrote a journal it was on another recovery website and I was able to be clean from PMO for 100 days in monk mode, and then another 6 months in a sexual relationship having orgasms during sex. That was 5 years ago. Since then I have been PMO'ing an average of around 3 times a week. Now I'm really done with it and I need help.
Let me start with my story of how I started watching porn.
I was 13 when my parents first got broadband that was fast enough to load porn. I would flick through the internet videos which were at the time, only like 10 second clips. For the first two years, I just watched occasionally and got hard. It was exciting and it was an escape from the intense depression and anxiety I had felt since the age of 8. It was an escape from my suicidal thoughts and from my sense of isolation and self-hatred. It was an escape from myself. When I was 15, I PMO'd for the first time. It was an insane high - I felt like I was on cloud 9. It was also the first time I had ever MO'd. Shortly after I was doing it every single day. I didn't know it was bad for my sexual health - everyone at school would talk about porn and wanking all the time, so I thought it was a normal, natural thing to do. But I soon noticed that when I was with a girl, I wouldn't feel that urge to get with her nearly as strongly as I remembered from before I PMO'd. When I was with a girl, I couldn't get it up. I had a girlfriend for like a year when I was 16, I was a dick to her and cheated on her. We had sex but it was terrible. I thought there was something profoundly wrong with me. Porn may have taken the edge off my depression but I still wanted to kill myself. I had constant brain-fog, and was totally unable to concentrate at school. When I wasn't having brain fog, I was having anxiety attacks or intense bouts of depression. It was a difficult childhood, and my teenage years were even harder.
When I was 18, I went to university to study Music (somehow I still got into one of the top universities in my country!). First year involved me hearing about everyone else having sex and enjoying it, and it just being a normal thing. However, I was unable. My noodle would usually just stay limp, or get a slight chub, but I was far from excited, and I didn't know why. That's when I found yourbrainonporn.com. It opened my eyes to so many things, and I immediately started a journal on a recovery forum. It was an amazing feeling to know why it was that I was so fucked up. After a few hiccups at the beginning, I managed 100 days PMO free, in total 'monk mode'. It was at the end of that that I found my ex, who was 11 1/2 years older than me, with a lot of experience. It was a beautiful, if short-lived relationship, that lasted 6 months. During that 6 months, I didn't watch porn at all, but I did have successful sex regularly that always ended in orgasm.
Then, I moved countries to live and work as a musician. I missed her but it was right that we broke up. It wouldn't have been able to last - it was a fast-burning, mutually beneficial relationship. I loved her, though. I still do, in a way. Maybe I always will, in a way.
I spoke to my family about my porn addiction, and they were supportive like any family would be. I told me friends. They all told me I was brave. I also went very public at this point about my porn use and recovery, in the hope that it would help others. I never thought it would come back, but it did.
Shortly after moving, I started watching porn again.
It started off as 'oh, just this once', and quickly became a regular thing. It wasn't as every day as it once had been, but it was regular. Then I met a girl 5 years younger than me, and we entered into a relationship. I was 22. The sex was amazing (and not illegal as in most European countries the age of consent is younger!). I was with her for a year and 9 months and hated almost every moment. She was a mean, spoilt little princess who treated me like shit. I watched porn throughout the entirety of the relationship. After I finally dumped her, I continued to watch porn, but I kind of 'made my peace' with it.
I started meditating when I was in uni (age 18-22), and that turned me from being an outright atheist to being spiritual. Through meditation, I have had numerous transcendental experiences. I know from these that it is possible for a human being to reach higher states of consciousness, and permanently transcend this dream-like existence, that is created in our minds through identification with objects. However, I have continued to watch porn for the past 5 years.
I met my (now) wife on 31st December 2017. To this day I am amazed as to how we met. I was holding a New Year's Eve party at my flat in Germany, and she was a friend of a friend. My friend was late to the party (turns out he liked her and was trying to get with her), and Bianca and I hit it off instantly. I am now married to a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman, two years younger than me, and she is without a doubt the love of my life. I love her with every fibre of my being and I am so grateful. I now live in Arizona with her, and I'm going through the immigration process. It's a long process and I have a lot of time to myself by my computer. I am not officially allowed to work but Bianca and I are building a music school, which I am spending a lot of time working on but not (officially) getting paid for it. We are living with her parents, who are lovely people, but it is stressful. Recently, we have been house-sitting for a rich family in their lovely home. It is great to have some alone time together. I don't have many friends here yet, but I regularly do Kung Fu which enables me to leave the house and meet new people.
Sex-wise we have incredible sex, but when I watch porn my erections suffer for usually a day or two. I know this is not as severe PIED as some on this site. I also appreciate that I am very lucky in that I have a reboot partner, whom I love and am extremely attracted to. This is true, but I want to kick this silly habit once and for all. I feel porn has been holding me back from achieving my dreams. Whenever I feel bored, lonely, anxious, angry, or depressed, my first go-to is the computer, which almost inevitably turns into me watching porn.
I watched porn today, so I guess I'm on Day 0.
If anyone can give me any advice I would be most grateful. They say that the first two step of addiction recovery are 1) admitting you have a problem and 2) asking for help.
This is me asking for help.
- Adventurer