Horndogger
Member
Hello Reboot Nation. It's nice to be part of this community. So, a little about myself and why I'm here... Recently I realised that I've been watching porn for 30 years. It started when I was 17 at a friends house, which I suppose was a fairly mature age for porno exposure, however I had never had an orgasm. I was a late bloomer - but sure enough, with the erotic video content freshly etched in my adolescent brain, I was able to finally masturbate to completion! From there, I felt like I was making up for lost time. I discovered that I could rent VHS from the local video store, even though I was underage. They were open 24 hours, so after a night out with my friends, I would find myself perusing the shelves in the adult section. Part of the thrill was just the plain naughtyness of secretly being in a video store looking at adult movies displayed on the wall. I loved the boxes and would enjoy the whole selection process. I always felt somewhat ashamed about renting porn though, and my biggest fear was meeting someone I knew as I came out of the store clutching my discreet black plastic bag. Well this habit continued all through college and university. I dated a lot, and was relatively successful with women, but relationships were pretty superficial and never lasted long. During this time I ended up working in a video store that had a "Blue Room". I loved going in there and checking for new releases! We could rent for free, but I was still embarrassed about the movies that I liked to watch - so I created a fake account and would rent under a pseudonym. The amount of porn that I watched wasn't huge, but my consumption was consistent. I remember hearing "If you can still function normally with work and studying, then you don't have a problem". Therefore, I just thought of myself as a normal guy with a healthy libido. I could easily go a couple of weeks with out watching, but probably not much more than that. Occasionally I would miss social events because I would be having a "quite night at home". But still no alarm bells ringing. Things went on this way until about 2004. Around this time I noticed a shift in the industry - video resolution improved (maybe HD), but also content was becoming more graphic. A certain genre had developed and for me it was the ultimate forbidden fruit. I remember watching this for the first time and feeling disturbed... but also extremely aroused. I was old school though, so I enjoyed watching an entire scene and letting things build up to the final climax. I really felt like I was polluting my soul though, it just felt like what I was doing was wrong. Things haven't really escalated from there - neither in content nor level of consumption. They've just switched medium over to the internet, and my television has gotten larger I've tried quitting before. The first time was in 2001 when I moved back to Canada from Australia. I remember throwing my humble VHS collection into a public rubbish bin and giving it a farewell salute. Well that lasted maybe all of two weeks before I was back at my old favourite jaunts. Again in 2004 - this time physically snipping my DVD's into pieces with scissors. And then again in 2009, more DVD's in the bin. And then finally again in 2015 by deleting all digital copies from my computer - this time I was successful in going 2 1/2 months without any porn. I felt pretty good, and when I did go back to it, I remember thinking "what? you really watch this stuff?". For the last 10 years I've been in a relationship and I have two great kids. My girlfriend and I split up six months ago though, so now I've got my own place and we share the kids. Needless to say, lots of time and freedom to see porn. I've never had ED, however as long as I can remember I would fantasise about porn when having sex with my parter. This became almost necessary in order to achieve an orgasm. It just didn't seem possible to be "in the now". I also developed a habit of smoking pot and watching porn - this just seemed to make the experience even more real and enjoyable. I could also go for longer stretches of time if I was stoned. I'm an occasional user of cannabis - just like porn - and enjoy playing video games, watching movies and playing guitar. The problem is that when I have a little toke, I get super horny and the urge to watch porn overpowers me. This is the time when I will most likely fall of the wagon. In summary, I want to go clean - no PMO. I'm at a stage in my life with new beginnings, and this is the perfect time for me to discover who I am - the non-porno version. I'm sure that this will lead to reduced anxiety, more outgoing social behaviour and meaningful relationships. The caveat is that I don't want to give up pot as well - kicking one habit is tough enough, but two at once... I'm not so sure I can do that. Anyway, thanks for letting me share my story. Oh, I should also mention that this is day 2 no PMO.