410046
New Member
Day 1:
I started listening to the audio book of YBOP yesterday and saw a lot of symptoms it described in myself. I've been spending about 6 hours a day during the week looking for the porn that I?ve been interested in lately (I?ll skip the gory details.). On the weekend I've been regularly spending 12 to 16 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday. My family has been missing my company. I have been feeling more drained of any desire to do anything but sit in my office and surf the web. In the days that I work from home, I have been spending more time on my personal computer than on my work computer. I find it harder to focus and concentrate on work. More and more my personal interests (other than porn) have been taking a back seat to my addiction. I?m finding new ways to hide what I?m doing and taking risks that I shouldn?t.
I?ve been so out of control with the time I been spending doing this. I realized I was getting more and more out of control. I have been telling myself that I need to do something to change my habits and behavior. I just had not found the motivation. I have been looking for something to motivate me. When I started listening to YBOP I saw so much of what I had become in what he was describing. I actually got angry that this addiction has messed me up in so many ways. Wasting my time. Making me feel less motivated. My mind has been fried! I?m not able to communicate like I used to. My thoughts are jumbled, and my memory is going. (I thought I was just getting older and losing it. I?m 58.) I?ve been so disappointed in myself. Well, I think I found my motivation. YBOP has shown me that I?ve been doing this to myself. I knew it was affecting me, I just didn?t realize how much!
I have things to work through too. My wife has been watching me do this to myself and has not really tried to help me find my way out of this mess. I know she loves me. I have a strong will and it?s hard to get me to change once I have made up my mind. So maybe she just left me to sit in my own muck and prayed I would find my way out. In my mind, I?m sure I could blame so much of this on her. But if I just took a good hard look at myself, I caused all this myself. I?m sure there will be time later to think about other things to blame her for. But again, I?m sure I have a lot to blame myself for.
For those of you reading this, I?m mostly rambling on just to get this out there where I can later come back and see what I was thinking during these times. I?m not looking for advice to fix anything or affirmation that I?m right and others are wrong. I made my decisions and I need to live with them. At some point I have a lot of things that I need to fix. I know this. I just need to start somewhere and this porn thing is mine to own. I been traveling down this road (more or less) since I was in second grade and playing ?show me yours and I?ll show you mine? with the girl next door.
Anyway, as I?m writing this it?s the end of day one. I made it through today without porn. It?s time for bed. Tomorrow is another day. The question is, will I be able to do this for my goal of 90 days? We will see, won't we?
I started listening to the audio book of YBOP yesterday and saw a lot of symptoms it described in myself. I've been spending about 6 hours a day during the week looking for the porn that I?ve been interested in lately (I?ll skip the gory details.). On the weekend I've been regularly spending 12 to 16 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday. My family has been missing my company. I have been feeling more drained of any desire to do anything but sit in my office and surf the web. In the days that I work from home, I have been spending more time on my personal computer than on my work computer. I find it harder to focus and concentrate on work. More and more my personal interests (other than porn) have been taking a back seat to my addiction. I?m finding new ways to hide what I?m doing and taking risks that I shouldn?t.
I?ve been so out of control with the time I been spending doing this. I realized I was getting more and more out of control. I have been telling myself that I need to do something to change my habits and behavior. I just had not found the motivation. I have been looking for something to motivate me. When I started listening to YBOP I saw so much of what I had become in what he was describing. I actually got angry that this addiction has messed me up in so many ways. Wasting my time. Making me feel less motivated. My mind has been fried! I?m not able to communicate like I used to. My thoughts are jumbled, and my memory is going. (I thought I was just getting older and losing it. I?m 58.) I?ve been so disappointed in myself. Well, I think I found my motivation. YBOP has shown me that I?ve been doing this to myself. I knew it was affecting me, I just didn?t realize how much!
I have things to work through too. My wife has been watching me do this to myself and has not really tried to help me find my way out of this mess. I know she loves me. I have a strong will and it?s hard to get me to change once I have made up my mind. So maybe she just left me to sit in my own muck and prayed I would find my way out. In my mind, I?m sure I could blame so much of this on her. But if I just took a good hard look at myself, I caused all this myself. I?m sure there will be time later to think about other things to blame her for. But again, I?m sure I have a lot to blame myself for.
For those of you reading this, I?m mostly rambling on just to get this out there where I can later come back and see what I was thinking during these times. I?m not looking for advice to fix anything or affirmation that I?m right and others are wrong. I made my decisions and I need to live with them. At some point I have a lot of things that I need to fix. I know this. I just need to start somewhere and this porn thing is mine to own. I been traveling down this road (more or less) since I was in second grade and playing ?show me yours and I?ll show you mine? with the girl next door.
Anyway, as I?m writing this it?s the end of day one. I made it through today without porn. It?s time for bed. Tomorrow is another day. The question is, will I be able to do this for my goal of 90 days? We will see, won't we?