30 years on porn!

Hi everyone!

My journey started as many in here, in 1988 when I was 11 I found my first magazine, when I was 12 I borrowed a porn movie from an older friend and at the age of 13 I discovered my fathers suitcase full of video tapes containing hard- and soft porn. At first I didnt watch on a regular basis, but around 16-17 I was really into it, jerking of to porn several times a week.

I had a hard time getting the girl I wanted in school at this time (age16-18), falling in love with schools most wanted girls (of course...) I was so heartbroken from a girl in my class not interested in me that i more or less swore not to ever fall in love again or allow myself getting heartbroken again. And, I still had my fathers porn movies at home together with some of my own. When I was around 19 we got a computer in the house and that opened up a new world for me. I didnt dare look up porn, but another thing got me immediately hooked up: sexchatting. I started doing this A LOT (many many hours until I finally allowed myself an orgasm) and I also continued watching porn.

In 2000 I moved to my own apartment and got my first computer. All my nights during two years I spent in front of that stupid computer, chasing porn, sexchatt and I also spent thousands of Swedish kronor on telephonesex. At the same time I was attending Swedish Navy Officers School and I did good and had loads of nice friends and got popular among girls. But no real sex. I had sex the first time when I was 17, with two girl, whom the first passed of (we were all drunk), and the other one, well, we had sex but it wasnt pretty...

I got my first real girlfriend in 2002 and we had plenty of nice sex allthough I often had performance anxiety, dunno why really... but now I also had high speed internet and I watched porn everyday without my girlfriend knowing. We broke up after 6 months, not because of porn but loss of love.

And since then Ive been watching porn almost on an everyday basis for the last 17 years. Today I have destroyed my libido. I cant get arroused with my wife. Ive cheated on my wife in order to experiance the hardcore porn I turn on to, which failed as I couldnt get it up. I even started porn on my computer when we were about to kick in, afraid of losing my boner (which I did anyway)...

Some background, impressive if you still are reading this. I havent watched porn since Decembre 2018 but I have masterbated a lot with porn fantasies but I ended the masturbation for five weeks ago also.

Now:

I have absolutely ZERO libido. At the beginning I noticed some rock hard boners but they disappeard again. Now Im in a total flatline feeling nothing at all- which is so scary. Ive taken Gabe?s advice letting it all go. But Im anxious, no porn for 6 months and libido still at zero. Maybe Ive been watching porn for TO long? My wife for almost 8 years and I had sex even when I watched all this porn, ruining what probably could have been awsome, but I was always afraid losing my boner and always ejaculated to early...

Am I a last cause here?

Thanks/
Hans, Sweden

Hi Hans.
Sorry to read about your difficulties and congrats for trying to straighten things out. We both know that continuing to use P will have an unhappy ending. I have a similar problem to yours; 5 months into my reboot. No P or M. Pretty well no libido either  :-\. So I have a vested interest in hoping that you're not a lost cause. I think that if we've been flooding our brains' pleasure sensors with hour after hour of supercharged scenarios for years and years and years..... it might just take a long time to get normal sensation back. A bit like the heavier and longer the drinking session.... the heavier and longer the hangover.
Wishing you success, strength and lots of patience.

yeah it can take a lot more than 6 months. gabe deem said it took him 9 months to have a first successful sex but continued to have problems up to 18 months. i think it takes 1.5-2 years to fully recover.

Im anxious, no porn for 6 months and libido still at zero.

Click to expand...

not 6 months though, you are at 5 weeks... masturbating with fantasies is a porn use. its important to know exactly what is porn use because you need to stay away from it, forever.

look at any lonely activity that is arousing to you as a porn use. dont limit it to high speed internet porn. it can be fantasizing, reading erotic stories, watching magazines, web cam chat, teasing over the phone, sexting etc. if you are alone and it is arousing, its porn use. some of the things that are considered porn use are not even images or videos (like erotic stories or talking through phone) but its not the eyes that are seeing things, its the brain. you can close your eyes or sleep and still see things. eyes just let the light inside. in other words, some activities maybe lack images or videos but they cause fantasizes and that is lonely activity that arouses you aka porn use aka the drug you are recovering from.

really strong flatlines can be a blessing for your reboot because they also affect one of your biggest enemies, cravings. good luck to you sir, seems to me you had enough of porn in your life. you started before i was born, that is enough porn for you to not miss it or need it ever again 

I hope you begin to see that you've made the right choice. I agree with what WiPUK says. And maybe it's a worthwhile effort to find pleasure in other things, completely non sexual. Getting back into hobbies, whatever they are, is a great way to develop a wider, fuller sense of enjoyment from things in life. At least I've found that to be true. As long time porn users, it might be too much to expect that we can immediately find a healthy sexual life. I'm not pushing myself too hard on that issue, partly because I know the frustration can land me back in porn use.

Keep your faith! you are not old at 42 years age.  Stay strong and go work out in the gym to help the recover process. Be strong then you can succeed!