Hello my name is....and I'm a porn addict

Badvock

New Member
I accidentally posted this elsewhere so apologies for the repost.

A few years back I remember watching the Terry Crews video on youtube when he admitted to his viewers that he had had a destructive relationship with porn, at the time I shrugged it off believing that it wasn't that he was addicted he just had a high sex drive. Little did I know than that I was actually deep inside my own addiction to porn without the necessary tools to recognise the destructive path that I was on, a path that led me down more extreme areas to satiate my addiction.

I think I've been an addict for over 8 years...it's hard to tell really everything swims out of focus when I consider the times I've deleted my stash only to months later re-kindle my addiction. Telling myself that it was ok as it was just porn....everyone watches it right? I know my mates do and they are ok (or are they?) I'm 47 have a very loving wife who I love more than anything in this world save for our two boys who could not make me more proud and yet here I sit in a hotel room writing on a forum about how my self destructive addiction has wrought that apart and potentially destroyed everything I love dear.

For years i've had something of a destructive nature when it comes to relationships, I was a bit of a lad in my younger days, we'd go out in town to the clubs at the weekend and I would be very disappointed if I didn't get any action, I didn't realise at the time that I was treating women as some sort of commodity rather than a person, they wanted a relationship....I was just in it for the sex. I would get sullen and angry if I didn't get the sexual gratification i needed and and could use my words to get my own way often to detrimental effect to the relationship, I laughingly put this behaviour to the being a Scorpio and everything says they are highly charged and sexual (i.e. bollocks). I threw away many a good person who cared for me over the years all for the conquest of more sex. I met my wife 15 years ago at the height of my 'conquest phase' we met on the internet as it was back then somewhat new and more productive (and cheaper) than clubbing, after a year or two i was getting bored again, looking for the next thing.....so like the massive arsehole I was back then I dumped her....on New Years eve....so I could go into town and see what I could get. Of all the things i've done up till now I still feel shame at that. Thankfully due to her love for me she didn't give up and she wore me down and got me back. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, it changed me when I actually realised what I had thrown away and I realised that I had to change my ways and be a better person.

It didn't last long We had two children  in fairly quick succession she wanted two and wanted them to be close in age, I was a bit more for going slow but she got me drunk and had her way with me and that was that (it didn't take much) When my second son arrived I struggled badly with the early year and a half; I resented his impact on our life and whilst I never ever laid a hand on him I found myself getting more and more wound up and started feeling angry when it was my turn to care for him. I'm happy to say that those feelings soon subsided and my sons are growing into bright, intelligent and happy children with a loving home with at least one parent who doesn't harbour a dark secret.

Soon after the boys arrived the sex dropped off, my wife lost interest in any intimacy to the level that i wanted and when we did have sex that was all it was...sex...there was little or no intimacy to the lovemaking. She then started with endometriosis like symptoms for many years and the sex was restricted to maybe twice a month, and whilst I deeply sympathised with her pain the demon inside me started to resent the fact that we were having little sex. I'd lay awake in bed having hinted at my desire earlier in the day waiting for her to instigate something but she seldom did, and arguments were had, I would sleep on the couch out of frustration or more likely seek out porn to ease the stress. She caught me once, at 3am masturbating at my computer she was half asleep but new what i was doing, i'm sure she already knew I watched porn....just maybe not how much. We didn't really speak properly for 3 days after that neither of us really knowing how to broach the subject, when we did she said it was ok and she was fine with it as long as I didn't watch 'live' porn which I never did anyway. Well that was like a red rag to a bull, I worked from home and she worked in an office and the boys were both at school all day so you can imagine.

By this point I was masturbating anywhere between 3 and 5 times a day...sometimes so often that I would 'damage' myself but the desire for more and more 'high' meant I would not stop, I would spend my time downstairs wondering how soon I could get upstairs to get my next fix, i would masturbate with my kids in the next room playing or my wife in the bath....the risks became more and more. And so did the porn....as my addiction grew and grew I found it harder to get the gratification from the porn I was watching on the regular sites. I started to visit more extreme sites, amateur sites, SnM ( I drew the line at bestiality though that really does nothing for me) and I kept looking for new things to get me off. Of course to do this meant I'd spend a good 2 hours at the start if the working day masturbating instead of working, and of course neglecting my family life and my wife seeking to spend more time in my office than I did with her.

Since this all came to light my life has been torn apart, I realise that for so long I had been lying to myself and those around me about the destruction that porn was having on my mental health and my family Since Monday when my life really started to fall apart I have begun to reach out to people and organisations to get real help in addressing my addiction and my problem. There is a sexaholics meeting not too far from where I live this weekend i'm going to try to get to one of those, I did call them and asked for a callback but nothing yet.

It's been three days since this all came to a head, my sex drive has taken a swift downturn and being away from home and my family means my access to porn would be easier but in truth i have no desire at this point to go looking. my self esteem is at rock bottom and the shame I feel for putting my wife through this hell is weighing on me greatly. I know she loves me but i'm not sure she can ever forgive me for lying to her so much about my addiction, I will see her on Saturday but I don't know how well that will go, I feel positive in my drive to beat my addiction and address the problems it has created in my life, I just don't know how others will view the things I have done and the mess I have got myself into as a result.

Sorry for the long story, I felt it best to be as honest as i can be about my life, if I can't be honest about it i guess i'm on a hiding to nothing. I'm sure its a story well told and nothing new but  I hope i'm now heading in the right direction but if anyone has any further advice I would be very grateful.

Thanks for reading.
 
C

cranm329

Guest
Hi Badvock. Thanks for sharing your history. Tough thing to do but necessary to share with others what has happened in your life. My advice ( though advice is not what you need) is to learn to like yourself more...not call yourself an (ex) arsehole or to try to be a "better person". Many (all?) guys with PMO addiction have high levels of shame and low levels of self-esteem. Focus on what a great father/husband/lover you are.Hope you can keep posting your progress through recovery on here whatever other help and therapy you may get.
 
J

J01

Guest
Glad you are here badvock.  You are in a tough spot but you can obtain hope and support here to aid you in your difficult road ahead.

Start by racking up some clean days.  Hopefully you haven't used since your post but if you have start clean today-right now.  If you haven't done so already, I strongly recommend that you watch the video "Your brain on porn" that is linked on the home page.  Understanding the brain's role in this battle is an essential ingredient in waging this war.

It looks like you have already taken some concrete steps, including joining this group, to get help.  This should serve you well when you meet on Saturday as now you'll have something to show your wife as opposed to just showing up and saying "I'm sorry" or "I won't look at porn again" and so forth-that is not enough.  If you have some real action items already in process one would think that such would convince your wife to give you a probationary period before she undertakes any major marital move.

You have a lot to fight for-don't give up.  You can do this!!

           
 

Badvock

New Member
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, this type of help is new to me, i've always considered myself to be a strong person which I think looking back may be part of the problem. I have a long and difficult road ahead but it helps knowing that others are on similar journeys. I've been contacted by someone from SA and i'm hoping to go to a meeting at the weekend.

Whilst I'm at the bottom of the glass...at least i'm looking up.
 
J

J01

Guest
Hi!  If you get a chance, check in, whether rain or shine-hope you are doing okay.  And yes, many of us are on similar journeys, as you mentioned.  Take care friend-the battle is worth it.
 
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