anhaedra
Active Member
(I started this a few days ago at another forum, but this place is more appropriate and much busier.)
AGE: 33
FROM: Netherlands
USING SINCE: At least half my life, probably longer
REBOOTING SINCE: 13 February 2017 (officially -- watched very little porn since start of the month)
ATTEMPT #: 1
REBOOT MODE: No porn, no masturbation (currently)
MARRIED: No -- but dating every so often
So today I chose to eradicate porn from my life. Let me tell you my story and then I'll start logging my progress here.
FIRST STEPS
My first memory of enjoying myself is me being around 12 years old, sitting on the toilet at home. There used to be this little book with jokes to pass the time. I found myself spending increasing amounts of time there. Because some of these jokes were accompanied by "funny" cartoons of naked women. I didn't find them funny, just arousing like crazy. I would spend lots of time just playing with myself without cumming (didn't know what cumming was I guess).
PORN DISTRIBUTOR
These were the days of old, slow internet. Downloading a picture would sometimes take minutes. Erotic clip? Around an hour. Yet somehow, at age 15 approximately, I managed to set up a porn collection of vast amounts. I even burned CDs, gave them out to friends so they could get addicted to porn, too.
FIRST GIRL
I got my first serious girl when I was 16. We had a healthy sex life at first, although I sometimes had trouble ejaculating. Later on it deteriorated, after I simply got bored with her sexually. She found out I had some porn on my computer, I passed it off as an innocent activity, something all boys do. But she was hurt, obviously.
THE HUMAN CONDITION
I think I already noticed here how sexual fantasy, be it porn or just your mind's creations, can never be matched by real, actual sex. She was attractive and willing, but she just couldn't satisfy me if all she was doing was the very same thing over and over again. I developed a resentment for run-of-the-mill, everyday sex. It just didn't cut it for me. I starting experiencing dread. This terrible feeling of "having to have sex" with your girl because it's been a while and you're together tonight. I can't stand it. I want sex to be spontaneous, engulf me like a rush of chemicals and turn me into a beast. I never want to anticipate sex. I want sex to take me by surprise. And be different each and every time. Anything else just isn't stimulating enough.
THE DARK DAYS
Then I got into a serious relationship that lasted as long as 10 years. From age 21-31 I was with the same girl. Our sex life sucked. Always had. First of all, she wasn't "dirty" enough for me and she grew fatter over time (but notice how objectifying I am toward women). But secondly, I simply enjoyed watching porn much more in those 10 years than I enjoyed her. In hindsight, it's simply incredible how often I masturbated to porn and how little I screwed her. It's really baffling. How this could go on for so long. But I was thinking -- it's not like the (porn) movies. Every couple's sex life sucks. It's just the way it is. Reality sucks.
PERFORMANCE
Let me just say that even in these dark days I never experienced erectile dysfunction. In my teens and 20s, I might've been a very potent guy, I now suspect. I could get 100% erections in a matter of seconds just thinking about something. Often jerked off at school or other public places. Even while being piss-drunk my erections were solid, something girls often found special, to my amazement and amusement. I also had loads of precum, from the moment I felt aroused my knob would be wet as hell, which made masturbation just very good.
BEING THIRTY-SOMETHING
This has changed recently. I'm 33 now, and I'm starting to suffer from erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. I lead a very healthy life. I don't smoke, seldom drink, exercise vigorously every other day, and use a strict diet. I feel very fit and it shows. The only thing lacking is strong, vigorous erections like before. Last year I had a girl who was just crazy, sexually speaking. She could genuinely arouse me, she was like a porn girl. So even amidst my still continuous masturbating to porn, I would have great, fantastic sex with her. But I noticed my erections would last shorter, and sometimes I couldn't cum when being with her. I attributed it to age.
RECENT EVENTS
Some months ago I was on a date and about to have sex. But I couldn't get it up. I didn't understand it. What was happening? I told myself I didn't find her that attractive (which was true btw), but I knew that wasn't the real cause. Something was wrong with my virility. Last Friday I had another date with a woman that's simply the most physically attractive woman I've ever shared a bed with. 100% my type of girl. AND I COULDN'T GET IT UP.
That's why I'm here. Not sure how, but this morning I started reading about porn addiction, scientific articles on how it just messes up your nervous system if you watch it like I did for almost my entire life. This has to stop. I know I'm blessed with good self-discipline -- I never miss a single workout or neglect my diet. I quit smoking several times and it didn't hurt me. But now begins the hardest challenge... getting back my old libido. I just know it has to do with years of conditioning to porn.
Not even the most beautiful, sexy women can arouse me as much as I can arouse myself while watching porn. It's only during long edging sessions to very specific porn material that my erections are as good as they once were. Everything else is not good enough.
"Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I said
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
[...]
Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?
I'll keep digging
Till I feel something"
(Stinkfist by Tool)
AGE: 33
FROM: Netherlands
USING SINCE: At least half my life, probably longer
REBOOTING SINCE: 13 February 2017 (officially -- watched very little porn since start of the month)
ATTEMPT #: 1
REBOOT MODE: No porn, no masturbation (currently)
MARRIED: No -- but dating every so often
So today I chose to eradicate porn from my life. Let me tell you my story and then I'll start logging my progress here.
FIRST STEPS
My first memory of enjoying myself is me being around 12 years old, sitting on the toilet at home. There used to be this little book with jokes to pass the time. I found myself spending increasing amounts of time there. Because some of these jokes were accompanied by "funny" cartoons of naked women. I didn't find them funny, just arousing like crazy. I would spend lots of time just playing with myself without cumming (didn't know what cumming was I guess).
PORN DISTRIBUTOR
These were the days of old, slow internet. Downloading a picture would sometimes take minutes. Erotic clip? Around an hour. Yet somehow, at age 15 approximately, I managed to set up a porn collection of vast amounts. I even burned CDs, gave them out to friends so they could get addicted to porn, too.
FIRST GIRL
I got my first serious girl when I was 16. We had a healthy sex life at first, although I sometimes had trouble ejaculating. Later on it deteriorated, after I simply got bored with her sexually. She found out I had some porn on my computer, I passed it off as an innocent activity, something all boys do. But she was hurt, obviously.
THE HUMAN CONDITION
I think I already noticed here how sexual fantasy, be it porn or just your mind's creations, can never be matched by real, actual sex. She was attractive and willing, but she just couldn't satisfy me if all she was doing was the very same thing over and over again. I developed a resentment for run-of-the-mill, everyday sex. It just didn't cut it for me. I starting experiencing dread. This terrible feeling of "having to have sex" with your girl because it's been a while and you're together tonight. I can't stand it. I want sex to be spontaneous, engulf me like a rush of chemicals and turn me into a beast. I never want to anticipate sex. I want sex to take me by surprise. And be different each and every time. Anything else just isn't stimulating enough.
THE DARK DAYS
Then I got into a serious relationship that lasted as long as 10 years. From age 21-31 I was with the same girl. Our sex life sucked. Always had. First of all, she wasn't "dirty" enough for me and she grew fatter over time (but notice how objectifying I am toward women). But secondly, I simply enjoyed watching porn much more in those 10 years than I enjoyed her. In hindsight, it's simply incredible how often I masturbated to porn and how little I screwed her. It's really baffling. How this could go on for so long. But I was thinking -- it's not like the (porn) movies. Every couple's sex life sucks. It's just the way it is. Reality sucks.
PERFORMANCE
Let me just say that even in these dark days I never experienced erectile dysfunction. In my teens and 20s, I might've been a very potent guy, I now suspect. I could get 100% erections in a matter of seconds just thinking about something. Often jerked off at school or other public places. Even while being piss-drunk my erections were solid, something girls often found special, to my amazement and amusement. I also had loads of precum, from the moment I felt aroused my knob would be wet as hell, which made masturbation just very good.
BEING THIRTY-SOMETHING
This has changed recently. I'm 33 now, and I'm starting to suffer from erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. I lead a very healthy life. I don't smoke, seldom drink, exercise vigorously every other day, and use a strict diet. I feel very fit and it shows. The only thing lacking is strong, vigorous erections like before. Last year I had a girl who was just crazy, sexually speaking. She could genuinely arouse me, she was like a porn girl. So even amidst my still continuous masturbating to porn, I would have great, fantastic sex with her. But I noticed my erections would last shorter, and sometimes I couldn't cum when being with her. I attributed it to age.
RECENT EVENTS
Some months ago I was on a date and about to have sex. But I couldn't get it up. I didn't understand it. What was happening? I told myself I didn't find her that attractive (which was true btw), but I knew that wasn't the real cause. Something was wrong with my virility. Last Friday I had another date with a woman that's simply the most physically attractive woman I've ever shared a bed with. 100% my type of girl. AND I COULDN'T GET IT UP.
That's why I'm here. Not sure how, but this morning I started reading about porn addiction, scientific articles on how it just messes up your nervous system if you watch it like I did for almost my entire life. This has to stop. I know I'm blessed with good self-discipline -- I never miss a single workout or neglect my diet. I quit smoking several times and it didn't hurt me. But now begins the hardest challenge... getting back my old libido. I just know it has to do with years of conditioning to porn.
Not even the most beautiful, sexy women can arouse me as much as I can arouse myself while watching porn. It's only during long edging sessions to very specific porn material that my erections are as good as they once were. Everything else is not good enough.
"Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way
It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I said
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
[...]
Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?
I'll keep digging
Till I feel something"
(Stinkfist by Tool)