20 years is enough

Day 1

Hi all

I'm ready to stop.  I've made it through today but I realise that I can't make it on my own.  I'm going to find it a lot easier if I have support and this forum looks like a good place to get it.  I'm going to write more about myself with my next post, give a bit of a history and clarify my aims and goals.  For now I'm just glad you're here.  I wish you all well.  Good night.

Welcome brother.  Write on. And join with us getting away from the bad stuff.

Day 2

Going through a really unpleasant withdrawal.  Again.  Angry.  Disturbed thinking.  Suicidal thoughts.  Been through this so many times before.  Just as hateful as ever.  Can't help wondering how many men have actually killed themselves because they don't realise what it is that they're going through.  Wish there was a magic pill I could take to make it end.

*Edit*  And the self hate.  What's a withdrawal without a load of that.  Just horrible.

I've had PIED for as long as I can remember.  I can remember that I used to have a varied fantasy life, when it was in my head or inspired by printed pictures and memory but it's been based around abuse and manipulation for so long that I can't recall when it changed.  I'm painfully, desperately lonely.  I've even lost jobs because of porn and inappropriate internet use at work.  All of this seems particularly gross when seen through withdrawal.

I want my life back.  I want my life better than it was before, because I was always lonely and unhappy even before I started using internet porn.  Some people can legitimately claim that internet porn and dopamine addicton ruined them.  I was a fuck up before I started.  The internet just made it worse.  I want to change that now.

Thanks for your reply.  Encouragement is always appreciated.

One small thing.  I prefer it when people don't tell me what I MUST do or think or feel.  The problem is different for all of us and so is the solution.  By all means suggest, I would prefer it if, on this thread at least, it is only suggestion.  For me, freedom is an essential part of the cure.

Day 3

I'm trying to focus on making improvements on those aspects of my life that I have neglected.  The first thing I want to do is to clean and tidy my home.  I used to deliberately keep my home uncluttered and I was a lot happier and did a lot more.  Now I'm surrounded by mess and debris and unattended letters.  If I can bring myself to clean my home I think it will help to clear my mind.  For me PMO is very much a displacement activity.  It's not enough to stop PMO.  I will need to sort out my real life or my mind will slip back into fantasy to avoid  reality.  If I can clear up my environment then I will have the space and mental clarity to do other things.

I know the thread is called 20 years is enough so it should be obvious, but I suddenly thought that the last time I had penetrative sex was in September 1998.  I had calculated from when I started to have access to internet porn.  Did it rob me of my self respect so quickly and so completely that I didn't have the nerve to approach women?  For sure it had something to do with it.

I'm determined to change that.  The funny thing is that I think of myself as romantic.  I cry when I hear "A thousand years" from Twilight ffs, but I spent my time looking at abuse and cruelty. 

I wonder if 90 days will be enough of a reboot to cure my PIED.  I hope so but it doesn't matter if not.  I'm done with PMO regardless.  Whatever life I have left, I want to live it free.

Sitting watching telly.  All of a sudden hit by an urge to PMO.  Decided to leave the house and go to the supermarket.  If corned beef and canned tuna fish can't kill the urge then nothing will. ;D

Bless you Lidl.  You are certainly not sexy!!!!

I bought a huge bag of torilla chips and a 200g bar of chocolate (Lidl chocolate is THE BEST) so yeah, quite probably a bit of a dopamine hit in food form but I'm still free. 

chat-addict

Don't post on my journal.  Delete your previous posts

Thanks

Well put, chat. 
Enough, why not open yourself to new ideas. You made it pretty clear the old ways weren?t working.