Disturbed by choice of material

Hello guys, I been struggling for a long time now trying to shake my PMO addiction on my own. But the clock keeps resetting. Currently about 4 days since my last PMO session, I really hope this site can help cope and overcome my compulsiveness and addiction problem. It's been a long road of porn addiction from young age. Started online masturbation when I was 13 years, I am 31 years old today and feel like I am at a breaking point. One of the bigger struggle, besides the addiction itself is that I am deeply disturbed by the choice of material I gravitate towards to complete my cycle. Right after I feel anxiety and distress, wanting to remove/undo anything I have just done. Don't even feel satisfied other then the cycle is complete. It makes me feel weak and insecure, and my job and social life has been suffering (for as long as I can remember). It's been especially down hill for the last few years. Very curious now if anyone else is disturbed by the material of their choice. Will try to be supportive in other topics, hopefully we can help each other. Hope this doesn't break any forum rules. Thanks so much!

I would say that it's pretty common for people to end up disturbed by what they have been watching to arouse themselves. For most, in their non-aroused, non-seeking state, they wouldn't find such things ok at all, but when they are in that obsessive, maniacal state where they are seeking maximum arousal, their inhibitions vanish and they are willing to look at completely abhorrent material to get to their end result. They might find that only seconds after they "finish", they are quickly jolted back to reality with feelings of disgust, self-loathing and remorse. This goes to show how porn can mess with our minds and take us away from the person we want to be and the values we want to uphold. The danger is that the disgust we feel about ourselves can lead to a lowering of self-esteem which actually leads to the next relapse. People often make deals with themselves based on what standards they feel they are reaching - or not reaching. Somebody who decides they are a failure will often use that as a justification to keep failing - so they relapse again and again, and use the resulting feeling of failure as confirmation of what they think they are - rather than something that is unacceptable and changeworthy. Somebody who is determined to succeed will not feed this cycle - even when they relapse. They will use that failure moment to redouble their commitment to their goal. As with all things - it's all a matter of perspective. Some people need some serious help with their self-esteem before they can hope to defeat this addiction.

mranoym31

I haven't seen any updates about your journey, but I hope that all is going well.

I too have had times where I escalated into porn that extremely disturbed me and made me feel like a terrible person. Thankfully, this has died down a lot during my past year of addiction, but I haven't forgotten how terrible it made me feel. Apparently, when we combine porn use with certain unpleasant emotions like anxiety, we increase our sexual arousal and boost the effect of dopamine. Our body wants to get higher, and one way to do that with porn is to escalate into more shocking or disturbing material. Just know you aren't alone in this. I have experienced it too.