I'm at the end of my rope....

Hello, I am posting here as I dont know what to do anymore. I've tried pretty much everything and as the post suggest...I'm at the end....

I'm 30 years old, will be 31 later this year. I've Been struggling with porn addiction since I was about 23 but I didn't even realize I had an addiction until I was about 25/26. Since then, I've been on my own trying to fight it. And I've made great improvements in my life overall. I was originally 230 lbs and out of shape...dropped all the way down to 168 and got toned. Physically in better shape than when iw as in high school. I've (more or less) stopped looking at porn but I still tend to check out sluts on things like IG and FB. I actually deactivated my accounts recently and even my snapchat. I pretty much have isolated myself to better myself and I've been trying to for years now. But I cant take it anymore. I cant seem to stop masturbating. I can resist looking at chicks...but I end up looking at girls from either Tinder/Bumble and Idky I cant stop. Its as if the habit has been drilled into my brain. I'm trying to do the 90 day PMO challenge but fuck me....I cant make it longer than 2 weeks. I will never stop and will not give up on my recovery but I NEED to get rid of this ED problem.

I've tried....
meditation
yoga
distractions with video games
sports/Basketball mostly
working out
losing weight
DJing (career path)
Dancing(Career path)
Removing myself from group activities that I'm invited too
Quit drinking (Successfully)
quit smoking(Successfully)

LIKE WTF!? WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO TO? I'm 2 steps away from cutting my hand off...

Please.....someone....I know I've written this post to seem a little funny or comical....But I'm honestly crying inside because I've spent most of my 20's ineffective,depressed, and limited. All I want...is my manhood back. I want my junk to operate at 100% efficiency again like when I was 18/19/20 and literally was able to bang my GF for 4 hours straight before. All I want is this last step back.

P.S....>Whats even worse...is that when I lost all my weight and got into shape...women started throwing themselves at me...and I denied them simply because I knew I couldn't satisfy them. Even had an opportunity for a 3some that I passed up on.

Please...anyone help.....Anything to help me last 3 months without PMO?

It's not necessarily the masturbation that's problematic (you didn't say how many times you masturbate) but the addiction to artificial sexual arousal. The women on social media and dating platforms are your porn. Porn doesn't have to be naked people doing sex acts, it's what artificially arouses you.

You could buy a brick phone and get rid of your laptop/pc and only use the internet in public places like a library for exampe or a coffeeshop.

And why would you refrain from group activities?

I agree, the triggers are an issue.  Follow them backwards.  Start with the masturbation and work your way back.  First stop, I'm guessing the IG or FB stuff, or Tinder and the other sites.  Then what?  Is there a stop between that and the women talking to you?

I would disagree that you stopped looking at porn.  If you're masturbating to pictures you find on dating sites or social media sites, then it is porn.  If you masturbate to pictures of ketchup packets or gym socks, then that is porn... albeit a weird kind.  It doesn't mean you made no progress, it just means you have a bit of a way to go.  I think you'll know when you're looking at it with normal eyes and when you're looking at it with porn eyes.  There is a definite difference.

Your list of preparations and disciplines is enviable to say the least.  What I didn't see mentioned at all was any emotional/psychological work.  Relationship anxieties?  Attachment stuff?  Bad memories from past relationships?  For me, there was an acute sense of loneliness and isolation that always welled up in me that made it hard to not turn to porn and want its soothing effects.  My sense after being on these boards for years is that when we're successful with all of our preparations, often the emotional ones are the last man standing, the "final boss" that we have to take care of.  Sometimes the emotional/psychological stuff is a main proponent of the addiction, like people who suffered sexual abuse, and sometimes it is just a learned reaction, like someone who always masturbated to escape his loneliness or family problems.

Do you have goals for a reboot besides making your junk work?  I've found that for guys who are hyper focused on that, it can become something of a "don't think of an elephant" phenomenon.  That is, if you tell someone not to think of elephants, the first thing that pops into their heads is elephants.  If the goal you're focused on is to have crazy sex all the time, then that stirs up the fantasies, and like most of us, most of your sense memories are from porn, so that becomes a trigger.  I suspect there is a clue to this in how you talk about "checking out sluts" that indicates this mentality... I see lots of guys constantly being anxious about the sexual experiences and joyous times they think they'd be having (and how fulfilled they would be in life if only their peckers worked), and that anxiety triggers more porn use, and turns your sexuality into a weird, washed up mess because it is a mix of envy, anger, fantasy, porn addiction and anxiety.  Does any of this sound applicable, or am I guessing too much?

....................................................Ok.....If you have a hidden camera in my room...I dont have any money....I dont know who you are....but the fact you just called me out is ABSOLUTELY FREAKY! lol XD

But yes....All of what you said in that last paragraph is very applicable. I have other goals, but I guess I lose focus on them for the sake of getting my "pecker" to work. What more should I do? What can I do to change my view right now? I mean...I honestly dont want to get brought down into where I was years ago. I'm much better off now, but idk what else to do. I dont know how to change my mentality and hold strong to it.

Bo0gYmAn said:

....................................................Ok.....If you have a hidden camera in my room...I dont have any money....I dont know who you are....but the fact you just called me out is ABSOLUTELY FREAKY! lol XD

But yes....All of what you said in that last paragraph is very applicable. I have other goals, but I guess I lose focus on them for the sake of getting my "pecker" to work. What more should I do? What can I do to change my view right now? I mean...I honestly dont want to get brought down into where I was years ago. I'm much better off now, but idk what else to do. I dont know how to change my mentality and hold strong to it.

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Haha, no hidden cameras!  Hang around these boards long enough, and patterns emerge. 

One of the most extreme examples I can think of, a year or so ago a guy posted wanting to know exactly how long he had to quit porn in order to be able to "perform" for his vacation to Thailand.  There is no doubt in my mind that he never succeeded.  I see other guys talk about wanting sex, and their sex fantasies are very porn-like.  Craving porn-like sex isn't all that different from craving porn.  Other extreme examples are when porn addicts seek out escorts, particularly of a type that fulfills a porn fantasy.

Where to go from here, that is up to you.  Some guys like to go "monk mode", where they just don't think about sex, including potential partners.  It sounds to me like you struggle with that, and the dating/hookup/social media sites end up being a blown release valve.  Another option is to just spend time thinking about relationships, and redefining them for yourself.  The standard commoner science explanation (I can't say if it holds water for real science, as I am not a scientist) is that porn, hook ups, casual sex, engage certain hormones, while true connection, tenderness and bonding engage other hormones.  In fact, the book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" is about these themes, and those discussions were an early battle ground for discussing porn addiction, and how Gary Wilson got involved, as the book was written by his wife, Marnia Robinson.  I find my best defense over obsessing over seeing an incredibly beautiful woman out in public is rarely to look away and go home to beat my head against a wall, but to humanize the person as much as possible.  Is she a student?  Does she have a family?  Does she have talents?  Skills?  Hurts and humiliations?  Suddenly I'm thinking less of her body parts, and more about her.  It isn't a quick fix, but over time it means far less "freak out" when you see a beautiful woman, and you're more able to decide whom you want to pursue and whom is just nice to look at, but little else.  Looking at how beautiful she is and nothing else triggers all the porn memories, and gets all of that blood pumping, when what we want is for real, beautiful women to provide a pleasure that is wholly separate from porn. 

Plus, there is a bit of a "Shallow Hal" effect (as in the Farrelly Brothers movie) where the women you thought were hot become less compelling, and the ones you'd otherwise look past become more beautiful than the porn version of you could possibly imagine.  I've posted this a few times, it is worth reposting, and definitely worth watching at least once: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvQrFBOyDs0

It also can be interesting to redefine "manliness"... who is the most "manly" person to you: 1) Jeffrey Epstein 2) Andrew Dice Clay or 3) Fred Rogers?  Your uncle who was married three times, blew it by having affairs and partying, or your grandfather who was married to your grandmother for decades, and lived only for her?  Porn tells us lies about women, but it tells us lies about men, too.  It tells us that to fulfill our lives we need to ejaculate on a regular schedule, and little else.  I see this lie whenever I read on the boards "I'd be able to quit porn if only I had a wife", and I've even read in supposed advice to young wives to make sure to have plenty of sex with their husbands, otherwise they'll get hooked on porn.  All are lies on what men really should be, in my opinion.

Maybe you'll find another method I haven't mentioned, but you get the idea.  If you figure out something else, make sure to come back and tell everyone how it went, because there will be plenty of others who will hear what you have to say and think you have a hidden camera in their rooms!

DoneAtLast said:

One of the most extreme examples I can think of, a year or so ago a guy posted wanting to know exactly how long he had to quit porn in order to be able to "perform" for his vacation to Thailand.  There is no doubt in my mind that he never succeeded.  I see other guys talk about wanting sex, and their sex fantasies are very porn-like.  Craving porn-like sex isn't all that different from craving porn.  Other extreme examples are when porn addicts seek out escorts, particularly of a type that fulfills a porn fantasy.

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Wow, that is a crazy example. Never heard of that one. But to be honest, I had similar thoughts when OP asked how to stay clean for 3 months. I mean, we're here because we are addicts. There are no three months. We need to stay away from PMO for life. Don't get me wrong, three months is a great target to aim for but what are you gonna do afterwards? Watch porn again?! And rebooting to be able to bang prostitutes in Thailand, holy moly, I've never heard of such nonsense...

DoneAtLast said:

Plus, there is a bit of a "Shallow Hal" effect (as in the Farrelly Brothers movie) where the women you thought were hot become less compelling, and the ones you'd otherwise look past become more beautiful than the porn version of you could possibly imagine.  I've posted this a few times, it is worth reposting, and definitely worth watching at least once: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvQrFBOyDs0

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Thanks for the clip, I've never seen it. Will watch it now!

DoneAtLast said:

It also can be interesting to redefine "manliness"... who is the most "manly" person to you: 1) Jeffrey Epstein 2) Andrew Dice Clay or 3) Fred Rogers?  Your uncle who was married three times, blew it by having affairs and partying, or your grandfather who was married to your grandmother for decades, and lived only for her?  Porn tells us lies about women, but it tells us lies about men, too.  It tells us that to fulfill our lives we need to ejaculate on a regular schedule, and little else.  I see this lie whenever I read on the boards "I'd be able to quit porn if only I had a wife", and I've even read in supposed advice to young wives to make sure to have plenty of sex with their husbands, otherwise they'll get hooked on porn.  All are lies on what men really should be, in my opinion.

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I see these fallacies as well. From my own experience, I can say that rebooting without having a partner for some time is not the worst experience to be made for yourself. Once you recognize that you don't need masturbation and porn for a few months without going crazy, then you will benefit from this first-hand knowledge immensely. I date a beautiful woman at the moment and I'm very happy about having her in my life but I also know that I don't depend on her. If she decides to leave me, or if decide to leave her, I'm going to continue living the pmo free life. At least, I'm going to try my best not to relapse. I don't want my life to go down the drain ever again. Porn basically robbed me of my twenties. That's not ideal but I made peace with it. My thirties are not going to be thrown away like that...

The second 'advice' is so stupid because under no circumstances can a wife of a porn addict compete with high speed internet porn even if she was the hottest woman on the planet. A porn addict would always turn to porn sooner or later (NOVELTY!). If a woman decided to compete with porn, she is going to lose despite her best efforts.

DoneAtLast said:

Maybe you'll find another method I haven't mentioned, but you get the idea.  If you figure out something else, make sure to come back and tell everyone how it went, because there will be plenty of others who will hear what you have to say and think you have a hidden camera in their rooms!

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Definitely keep posting. Maybe even start a journal. Help others if you feel you got something of value to say, even if it's just a 'chin up, chest out' after a fellow rebooter has relapsed.

@DoneAtLast: If I may, I want to pay you a compliment. Your posts are always so level-headed and I always make sure to read them even if they comment on topics that don't necessarily concern me. You are an integral component of RN & YBR and I hope, you'll continue posting for a while. I benefit from you posting and I'm sure others do as well!

All the best!

Thanks, Pete!  I should say the same for your posts.  I wish more people would come back after they've quit porn.  When people leave after they're clean, it can give a bleak picture, because it seems like no one wins the battle.  Really, it is just because no one feels a need to stick around.  In a better world, I think these boards would be like teams of counselors ready to show up and help anyone new who comes by.  I'm so grateful for a porn-free life, that it just isn't optional for me to take the time to visit these boards.  I've considered trying to write something longer form, but I can't seem to really come up with a real way to do it.  At least, not yet.

Pete, a question in the name of science: you are dating a woman you find beautiful now.  Let's say she's a 10/10 for you.  How would the porn addicted version of you rate her?  I hope you don't mind my asking, it is just that the morphing tastes and perceptions of beauty pre- and post-quitting intrigue me lately.

DoneAtLast said:

Thanks, Pete!  I should say the same for your posts.  I wish more people would come back after they've quit porn.  When people leave after they're clean, it can give a bleak picture, because it seems like no one wins the battle.  Really, it is just because no one feels a need to stick around.  In a better world, I think these boards would be like teams of counselors ready to show up and help anyone new who comes by.  I'm so grateful for a porn-free life, that it just isn't optional for me to take the time to visit these boards.  I've considered trying to write something longer form, but I can't seem to really come up with a real way to do it.  At least, not yet.

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Thanks for your kind words! You are absolutely right, that's why I felt the need to thank you. I'm happy that you write and malando for example because you guys made it out and therefore your opinions and ideas are very valuable.

DoneAtLast said:

Pete, a question in the name of science: you are dating a woman you find beautiful now.  Let's say she's a 10/10 for you.  How would the porn addicted version of you rate her?  I hope you don't mind my asking, it is just that the morphing tastes and perceptions of beauty pre- and post-quitting intrigue me lately.

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Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to write about it today but I will gladly answer your question on wednesday. Maybe others will chime in as well? Do you wanna open a new thread? A question that is a bit similar intrigues me lately which is what sexual activities/tastes are natural and should be pursued and which not? Since I started having sex we are progressing slowly but steadily in terms of new positions and sexual activities. Sometimes, I think about doing this or that but I'm not sure if it's the porn addicted brain wanting me to do this or if it's just natural and curiousity because I don't have a lot of experience and it's normal wanting to try new things out. Same goes for fantasizing. I'm very confused about this because I don't know how to act. Last week I was very horny and fantasized about my girl a lot. I don't know if this is healthy or hinders my reboot? There were no p-flashbacks and the thoughts were realistic so there were no "porn stunts".

Maybe a new thread will do for these and others questions? What do you think?

I am not sure if I would have a lot to contribute to such a thread, but feel free if you have an idea and want to run with it.  My question was really a lot simpler... whether porn tastes would have permitted you to find your girlfriend beautiful, or as beautiful as you do now.  Maybe she's white, and during porn only Asian girls interested you, for example.  Maybe a porn addict can only find women with abnormally large breasts attractive, while the post porn person will find women with below average sized busts incredibly beautiful, and so on.

You need to deal with those triggers, so if you feel like it's gonna happen, go for a walk until you get tired. Do anything that makes you tired, so that the urges are no longer a current issue.

@DoneAtLast:

To get back to your initial question: There are more attractive women than my gf, I'm sure of it and I wouldn't call her a 10/10. But she is definitively cute and absolutely my type. She is half Pakistani so she has dark hair, dark eyes and a light brownish skin. I'm an absolute sucker for this type of woman. On top of that, she has an absolutely incredible body but she is not the type of girl to show off, so the first time I got intimate with her I was blown away by her body. But the best thing of her is her character. She is such a lovely and caring person, I feel extremely comfortable in her presence and time flies when she's around.

In my PMO days, I liked big boobs and butts but in reality I prefer aesthetics over size. Size is not too important for ne as long as it looks and feels good. That's the most important thing for me. I also never aspired to have a pornstar looking gf even though I sometimes fantasized about having sex with XYZ. But in my case, I ended up looking a lot of fetish stuff in the end of my PMO days and it was not so much about the 'hotness' of the actresses but rather about the acts that were done on screen. Pretty sad/pathetic to be honest...

Another thing is, that I'm trying to stop being such a perfectionist when it comes to 'beauty/hotness'. She has flaws, I have flaws, that's just how it is. Being a PMO addict, you become a perfectionist sooner or later because if something annoys you, you can just switch to the next clip and rinse and repeat that progress until the end of your days. You are doomed to acquire a totally unrealistic ideal of beauty to the point of being unable to be excited to have sex with a naturally beautiful woman but this is now news to any of us here ;D

I hope that answered your question!

I definitely kind of feel like the thread has changed from my post. But I just relapsed and I'm fucking frustrated with myself. I wanna avoid the internet completely at this point but I have a damn phone....I'm at the point where I feel I need to video record and just see if that helps. I honestly dont know what to do to stop. I've cut so much and changed so much of my life. idk what else I need to do.

I wasn't trolling when I suggested to get a flip phone and get rid of your smartphone. If you feel like you've tried EVERYTHING else. You can't PMO if you don't have access to porn tubes or whatever you are watching. Have you thought about it? You can give your smartphone to a friend or family for a while and see how it feels? No Internet, no porn, no pmo...

Bo0gYmAn said:

I definitely kind of feel like the thread has changed from my post. But I just relapsed and I'm fucking frustrated with myself. I wanna avoid the internet completely at this point but I have a damn phone....I'm at the point where I feel I need to video record and just see if that helps. I honestly dont know what to do to stop. I've cut so much and changed so much of my life. idk what else I need to do.

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Sorry about hijacking.  You have our full attention.

Is there a time when the phone is most dangerous?  Maybe at night in bed, and you can have it charging in a different room?  When everything is lined up in front of us right before we start to relapse, we're already in Zombie Mode.  Each step backwards in time, and we're more and more human.  The trick is finding that point where we're still human enough to make the choice not to relapse, and turn the chain of events then, not wait until we're in Zombie Mode.  Phones are tough.  Believe me, I get it.  Even if you delete apps, they can be redownloaded in a hurry.

Also, don't beat yourself up over relapses.  Instead, get back on it as soon as possible.  Keeping relapses short (that is, not binging or taking a week long vacation from rebooting) helps you keep progress, and the relapse isn't as damaging.