Dreieck
Member
Long story (short?!):
First contact:
I don?t know when i startet fapping must be around 12-13, blew me away at that time.
As long as i remember i used visual content to get off. (underwear catalogues, softcore magazines).
During the filesharing boom i realised i could download porn (yeeeaah this pic only takes 2 hours to finish downloading) and with faster connections there came more content
I startet to collect my favourite porn and over the years i collectet a few gigs in my hd
Didn?t thought at all that it could influence me and my ability to have sex.
Also didn?t thought about doing anything against that
First real contact:
It took a long time for my first sexual contact with a real girl, i was around 17
and with 18 got in a nice relationship which lastet for almost 7 years (baaaam i know )
we had the possibility to live together in a flat so we did.
During this relationship i had times, when i start to wonder why i still need porn, if i got a girlfriend.
And i also realised that it affects me, there were times when i deleted (all) my porn and didn?t masturbate,
but there were also times when i started to collect porn and fapped again.
But all in all it changed the way i interacted with my girlfriend in bed, now a few years after i realise that, but at that time i didn?t
After these years i would also say that my claiming for an sex and an intimite relationship and the "right" to have sex with my partner also affected my relationship
and i would say i was abusive in my behaviour to touch her intimate areas (it?s hard to think about that now and realise what i did...)
The Change:
The relationship broke and i was completely puzzled with my life and my path. I also questioned my ability to connect with real human. After a depressive time i got into "men women dynamics", Connecting with people and with myself. I discovered the Authentic Man Program (http://authenticmanprogram.com/) and learned how to connect with me and especially girls.
Their material is very good and if you look around in the web you can find a lot of material.
At that time i realised that PMO drops my energy level and affects the days after i did it. But i still wasn?t able to let it go
The time after:
Then came a few relationships and i realised that i can connect and interect on a level like never before, there were times when i had more relationships at a time and it worked good, even though i realise now that the level of deepness wasn?t as good as i could have been.
I learned about the concept of consent/gender/patriarchy and i am still learning, cause my abusive behaiour is still present in relationships that last longer (half a year)
During that time i had "no fap" times couse i realised its no good.
But in times of the easy and fast avaiablity of porn and the "need" of a computer for work and stay connected it?s not always that easy ti not think about PMOs.
The time till now:
I?m now in a relationship with a girl, who understands me very well and helps me to stay open and myself. And i also can stay present when i?m with her and we talk about everything.
And i realised that i can?t stay open all the time when i have sex with here, i can?t feel as much as i used to and i realise that my "porn" needs affect my sex needs, when it comes to kinks and fetish. She knows about my struggle and my past and supports me
And I decided to learn more about the topic and myself and found you guys and girls.
So what now?
Did I use porn today?
nope, two days ago was the last time
What were my triggers?
boredome, thrills, sexual content on the web
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
music, games, dancing
What am I grateful for today?
That i finally was able to register here and write my story
What am i looking forward to?
I would love to have an Accountability Partner here, couse i think together it is easier to get through all this
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END of my official Post, and now things i realised when i wrote replies
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Numbness
I experience Numbness comes when i don?t feel myself or the partner that i?m with, but i found out that the more i keep on being in the moment and aware of myself and the partner i?m with, the more i "feel" and i mean it?s not per se a physical arrousal, it?s more the effect of being there and feeling me and the person that i?m with.
what i?m asking myself when i feel "numb" or experience ED during sex:
"Where are my thoughts going right now?"
"Do I enjoy this position right now? What do i really want right now?"
"Is my partner with me, or am i an objectified, or used?"
"Breathe in and out, and come to yourself"
The questions may interfere with the actions and cause you to stop and talk to yourself or your partner? that?s not always easy, but i found out for me, that the only way to remove such a barriere is to talk about it with others, and share what you are feeling. And most of the times your partner will experience the same and/or realises that you don?t feel comfy...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First contact:
I don?t know when i startet fapping must be around 12-13, blew me away at that time.
As long as i remember i used visual content to get off. (underwear catalogues, softcore magazines).
During the filesharing boom i realised i could download porn (yeeeaah this pic only takes 2 hours to finish downloading) and with faster connections there came more content
I startet to collect my favourite porn and over the years i collectet a few gigs in my hd
Didn?t thought at all that it could influence me and my ability to have sex.
Also didn?t thought about doing anything against that
First real contact:
It took a long time for my first sexual contact with a real girl, i was around 17
and with 18 got in a nice relationship which lastet for almost 7 years (baaaam i know )
we had the possibility to live together in a flat so we did.
During this relationship i had times, when i start to wonder why i still need porn, if i got a girlfriend.
And i also realised that it affects me, there were times when i deleted (all) my porn and didn?t masturbate,
but there were also times when i started to collect porn and fapped again.
But all in all it changed the way i interacted with my girlfriend in bed, now a few years after i realise that, but at that time i didn?t
After these years i would also say that my claiming for an sex and an intimite relationship and the "right" to have sex with my partner also affected my relationship
and i would say i was abusive in my behaviour to touch her intimate areas (it?s hard to think about that now and realise what i did...)
The Change:
The relationship broke and i was completely puzzled with my life and my path. I also questioned my ability to connect with real human. After a depressive time i got into "men women dynamics", Connecting with people and with myself. I discovered the Authentic Man Program (http://authenticmanprogram.com/) and learned how to connect with me and especially girls.
Their material is very good and if you look around in the web you can find a lot of material.
At that time i realised that PMO drops my energy level and affects the days after i did it. But i still wasn?t able to let it go
The time after:
Then came a few relationships and i realised that i can connect and interect on a level like never before, there were times when i had more relationships at a time and it worked good, even though i realise now that the level of deepness wasn?t as good as i could have been.
I learned about the concept of consent/gender/patriarchy and i am still learning, cause my abusive behaiour is still present in relationships that last longer (half a year)
During that time i had "no fap" times couse i realised its no good.
But in times of the easy and fast avaiablity of porn and the "need" of a computer for work and stay connected it?s not always that easy ti not think about PMOs.
The time till now:
I?m now in a relationship with a girl, who understands me very well and helps me to stay open and myself. And i also can stay present when i?m with her and we talk about everything.
And i realised that i can?t stay open all the time when i have sex with here, i can?t feel as much as i used to and i realise that my "porn" needs affect my sex needs, when it comes to kinks and fetish. She knows about my struggle and my past and supports me
And I decided to learn more about the topic and myself and found you guys and girls.
So what now?
Did I use porn today?
nope, two days ago was the last time
What were my triggers?
boredome, thrills, sexual content on the web
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
music, games, dancing
What am I grateful for today?
That i finally was able to register here and write my story
What am i looking forward to?
I would love to have an Accountability Partner here, couse i think together it is easier to get through all this
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
END of my official Post, and now things i realised when i wrote replies
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Numbness
I experience Numbness comes when i don?t feel myself or the partner that i?m with, but i found out that the more i keep on being in the moment and aware of myself and the partner i?m with, the more i "feel" and i mean it?s not per se a physical arrousal, it?s more the effect of being there and feeling me and the person that i?m with.
what i?m asking myself when i feel "numb" or experience ED during sex:
"Where are my thoughts going right now?"
"Do I enjoy this position right now? What do i really want right now?"
"Is my partner with me, or am i an objectified, or used?"
"Breathe in and out, and come to yourself"
The questions may interfere with the actions and cause you to stop and talk to yourself or your partner? that?s not always easy, but i found out for me, that the only way to remove such a barriere is to talk about it with others, and share what you are feeling. And most of the times your partner will experience the same and/or realises that you don?t feel comfy...
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