Hablablos
Active Member
After a month reading journals on this forum I finally decided to share my story and experiences with you all. Be warned that English is not my first language so there will be mistakes. And this post is a little longer. I also tried to avoid any possible triggers, but be careful and warn me if you find any.
Let me introduce myself a bit
I'm 23 old guy and I've been addicted to porn for about 13 years now. I spent almost my entire life by playing computer games and later PMOing. Most of my life I was feeling pain, anger, hatred, jelaousy etc. I try to write more about it later. Because of all of that I don't have any idea what the love is. I can't relate anything to that. And I am still a virgin. In a most ways conserning the women. I never had any relationship with a girl. I was never kissed by a girl, never had a sex, or anything pleasant.
The first time I found out about P was when I found VHS tapes of my parents. I was 10 years old back then. Later I had a bedroom with computer and connection to Internet. Because of that my friend was visiting me often during weekends and we were playing games and from time to time we found a new P site. But I was starting to watch P more and more. We also had an adult channels in TV and they weren't blocked. It's because my mom is open-minded in the topics of sex and she knew we would find another way eventually. I don't blame her because i share this opinion too that sex shouldn't be considered as something wrong anymore. In a way P helped me learn a lot of things about sex. But nobody knew back then about the consenqueces and what P causes to all of us.
When I was 17, things went straight to the Hell (my first, the 2nd is PMO). We moved to the another city and I had to leave all things I cared about. What I got in return was psychical domestic violence. And that was the tipping point, because games and P was a way to hide from the real world. Fornutaly things have changed after a year, otherwise I would end up in a mental institution. But still it has left a mark on me and even after all those years it hurts from time to time.
As the time went I was still PMO and it was slowly shifting to more extreme stuff. I had moments "What have I just M'd to?", but I was still looking for more. It came to the point when I started to question my sexual orientation. Not to mention I suffered from deep seft-hatred and I had a suicidal thoughs and blamed others, especially my mum.
Also I have to mention when I was looking for P I prefered stories rather than movies or videos. Probably because I could use my imagination rather than just watch the act itself. I was amazed what can writers and artists bring up and create with their stories.
Discovering my addiction
I found out I was porn addicted by an accident. When I was looking on 9gag I found a text about "Why you shouldn't M in the evening". That gag lead to "The Great Porn Experiment". When Gary Wilson was talking about symptoms and I saw myself in each and every one of them, I got answer on the question "What is wrong with me?". That day was the 10th November 2014.
From that day I tried to avoid P in order to heal myself, but I was naive. I thought I will beat it just like that. On my 1st attempt I held 16 days without PMO. But that number was going down and for a long time this was my record. For 4 months I managed to hold about 6-7 days before I relapsed. During all those attemps I gradually deleted all P on my HDD (250GB), started to work out (I don't like gyms that much) and I'm meditating every morning. I'm also visiting the local libraries and borrowing books from them. Even throught all this activity I relapsed a few times and it came to the point when I installed K9 web filter, which I was avoiding for a long time, probably because of fear. (and I recommend it. The fact there is something that will stop you from relapse, sometimes helps)
Things has generally started to improve, but I was still relapsing. I came back to YBOP after half a year, now with experiences, which I didn't have the first time I read all the advices. And I found out the reason why I was failing.
The reason
Answer for question is this quotation.
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates
In other words, I fighting with P rather than focusing on other things. I took the wrong approach. So with this new knowledge I started to focus on other things, mostly the things I mentioned before. But don't think I am completely healed. Right now it's my 32nd day since I last relapsed and found out what was wrong. So I told myself if I manage to stay 30 days without P I will register here and if I not I'll do it the day I relapse. I just hope my experiences with this addiction will help you.
Things that helped me
I try to help others on this forum and I hope you guys will help me as well. I managed to stay a month without P, but there's still a long way to go.
EDIT: I summed up all I know about recovery in the following post: www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9675
Let me introduce myself a bit
I'm 23 old guy and I've been addicted to porn for about 13 years now. I spent almost my entire life by playing computer games and later PMOing. Most of my life I was feeling pain, anger, hatred, jelaousy etc. I try to write more about it later. Because of all of that I don't have any idea what the love is. I can't relate anything to that. And I am still a virgin. In a most ways conserning the women. I never had any relationship with a girl. I was never kissed by a girl, never had a sex, or anything pleasant.
The first time I found out about P was when I found VHS tapes of my parents. I was 10 years old back then. Later I had a bedroom with computer and connection to Internet. Because of that my friend was visiting me often during weekends and we were playing games and from time to time we found a new P site. But I was starting to watch P more and more. We also had an adult channels in TV and they weren't blocked. It's because my mom is open-minded in the topics of sex and she knew we would find another way eventually. I don't blame her because i share this opinion too that sex shouldn't be considered as something wrong anymore. In a way P helped me learn a lot of things about sex. But nobody knew back then about the consenqueces and what P causes to all of us.
When I was 17, things went straight to the Hell (my first, the 2nd is PMO). We moved to the another city and I had to leave all things I cared about. What I got in return was psychical domestic violence. And that was the tipping point, because games and P was a way to hide from the real world. Fornutaly things have changed after a year, otherwise I would end up in a mental institution. But still it has left a mark on me and even after all those years it hurts from time to time.
As the time went I was still PMO and it was slowly shifting to more extreme stuff. I had moments "What have I just M'd to?", but I was still looking for more. It came to the point when I started to question my sexual orientation. Not to mention I suffered from deep seft-hatred and I had a suicidal thoughs and blamed others, especially my mum.
Also I have to mention when I was looking for P I prefered stories rather than movies or videos. Probably because I could use my imagination rather than just watch the act itself. I was amazed what can writers and artists bring up and create with their stories.
Discovering my addiction
I found out I was porn addicted by an accident. When I was looking on 9gag I found a text about "Why you shouldn't M in the evening". That gag lead to "The Great Porn Experiment". When Gary Wilson was talking about symptoms and I saw myself in each and every one of them, I got answer on the question "What is wrong with me?". That day was the 10th November 2014.
From that day I tried to avoid P in order to heal myself, but I was naive. I thought I will beat it just like that. On my 1st attempt I held 16 days without PMO. But that number was going down and for a long time this was my record. For 4 months I managed to hold about 6-7 days before I relapsed. During all those attemps I gradually deleted all P on my HDD (250GB), started to work out (I don't like gyms that much) and I'm meditating every morning. I'm also visiting the local libraries and borrowing books from them. Even throught all this activity I relapsed a few times and it came to the point when I installed K9 web filter, which I was avoiding for a long time, probably because of fear. (and I recommend it. The fact there is something that will stop you from relapse, sometimes helps)
Things has generally started to improve, but I was still relapsing. I came back to YBOP after half a year, now with experiences, which I didn't have the first time I read all the advices. And I found out the reason why I was failing.
The reason
Answer for question is this quotation.
?The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.? ? Socrates
In other words, I fighting with P rather than focusing on other things. I took the wrong approach. So with this new knowledge I started to focus on other things, mostly the things I mentioned before. But don't think I am completely healed. Right now it's my 32nd day since I last relapsed and found out what was wrong. So I told myself if I manage to stay 30 days without P I will register here and if I not I'll do it the day I relapse. I just hope my experiences with this addiction will help you.
Things that helped me
Making vision of my life - I wrote down on the paper what I want to accomplish in my life. This piece of paper is right above my monitor as a reminder why I don't want to be same as before. Do it yourself if you haven't done it yet, but I recommend you write down not only WHO you wanna be or WHAT you want to achieve, but also HOW you gonna get it (yes, it's from motivation videos like this, this and this) and set milestones. They will remind you that you are on the right path. I also found a good picture here: http://darebee.com/motivation/how-to-reach-goals.html
Doing small steps - this method is also known as Kaizen. I used it when I started to work out. It's good to set a small number like 5 squads for example and do it every day. If you manage to stay for 20-30 days, it will become a habit. After that you can increase the amount of squads or push-up or anything else. I used it even for setting the days without PMO. First it was 14 days, then it was 30, now it's 45...
Don't rely on filter - K9 is a good software, but it won't always protect you. Even now I still know many ways around it, but I don't want to use it. So if the urges come or my brain starts to reason with I step away from the computer or I visit http://emergency.nofap.com/. Helped me a few times.
I try to help others on this forum and I hope you guys will help me as well. I managed to stay a month without P, but there's still a long way to go.
EDIT: I summed up all I know about recovery in the following post: www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9675
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