H
hh2
Guest
Hello NoFap brothers!
I have read already around 1000 different stories and now I wanted to share mine.
I am 26 and I am fighting porn addiction which led me to PIED.
My first clash with pornographic video was when I was 11 or 12. I went to the house of a very good friend of mine who was just granted with a high speed internet access. There was a feature from his network provider that allowed access to illegally uploaded (back then in 2002-2003 it was quite normal) music, movies and... porn. We watched some videos and then I went home. To be honest I didn't feel anything and it was not the moment when I developed addiction. I continued with all my typical daily activities for a young moron like playing football (I was was such a promising talent), playing video games, learning English etc. It's been years until it really hit me.
When I turned 14, a few days before my high school admission exams I decided to masturbate without porn. Almost all my friends were already doing it while I didn't feel any urges. They were also talking about porn and other stuff and some of them even stated that they had had sex but I didn't believe them. This was my first successful masturbation session and I felt proud of myself. Then I immediately started doing it every day. First without any visual stimulation but then the things changed. I started with naked pictures and it was working really well. Then I switched to internet videos. Back then the download speed was not very high and reliable so I had to wait for 2-3 hours until the video downloaded. Very soon it became a habit and I didn't realize what's about to happen. A few months later I switched to lesbian porn and it formed my taste. Two (or later more) gorgeous girls love each other and don't hesitate showing it - what could get better.
During my high school years I must admit that I was relatively very popular in my school. I was good looking, playing guitar in a rock band, had a lot of friends and rewinding to that moment - a lot of girls liked me but I was too stupid to notice it mostly because I was very bad at the chasing game and I didn't respond to their signals properly. At that time all of the boys at my age were masturbating to porn without knowing the consequences and we thought it was normal. Back then nobody knew how harmful this stuff can be.
And now I must say that we, who were born after 1990, were the first generation that found their sexuality through porn and not through connection with a real partner.
I would not focus on occasional sex over my late teens because back then maybe it hasn't caused so much damage to me, yet.
I met my first long term girlfriend when I was 23. She was 20 back then. I was her first man. There were 3 months until we had successful sex and... the problem was not in me. For some reason she couldn't get aroused. She told me that she had 3 or 4 times trying without any reaction. I was OK with that and I didn't force her. Back then I didn't have severe erection problems. I was getting aroused by her, although I didn't have the chance to penetrate. We started slowly with oral, she constantly got more confident and one hot summer night she finally let me in and we made it. Then a few days later something terrible happened. I was in the bed with her, teasing her down under and I didn't lift it. This was the very first time it happened to me. I tried to hide it but she got angry, despite all my understanding about her problems previously. After that there was another failed bed session. This time she showed some understanding. Simultaneously she continued being aroused hardly. We tried lubricants and other stuff but the problem was not solved. At that time I was associating my erection problems with stress at work - we started a new project and so many tasks were delegated to me that I wanted to clone myself to finish everything on time. Over the time sex was getting worse and worse. Sometimes I was losing erection inside her, sometimes I finished very early. I continued blaming my job and even the fact that my girl put on some extra weight around her waist and on her tights. I must admit that I masturbated to porn almost every day while we were still in a relationship and I didn't have any problems getting aroused by porn videos on demand so it was strange to me why I cannot perform that good with a real partner. Two months before my 25th birthday we broke up. After that I had 0 success with the girls that I wanted to be with.
I started to lift weights again. Something that I haven't been doing for years. At some point despite the good diet, the killing workout sessions at the gym and the expensive supplements I couldn't notice a significant result. Then I thought to myself - what if I stop masturbating. I heard that the release of the testosterone when ejaculating can kill your gains although it is not scientifically proven.
Then I tried to stop several times but the longest journey was 5 days and then back on it again.
I continued masturbating on porn every day and sometimes during the weekends I ejaculated 3 times a day. Slowly my taste started to change. From normal and lesbian porn (these days I find even this category irritating) at some point I started to search for a hardcore stuff and then I switched to the 9th circle of porn hell - the shemale porn. After watching this for a week and masturbating to it I started to think - man, what am I doing?! This was the first time when I said to myself that there is sth wrong with me. Once I even thought that my sexual preferences may have changed and I was shocked. And all of a sudden I started to realize that I have a severe problem. After the few failed flirts I started losing interest in having a relationship with a real life girl. I set my mind to "all of them are bitches and they do not deserve my attention". And why should they? I had an unlimited access to my fantasy porn world, where everything was possible and allowed. Then I started to experience all symptoms of porn addiction - fatigue, social anxiety, bad sleep quality and other well known symptoms but I didn't take any actions except stop watching shemale porn. By that time the porn even stopped giving me the pleasure it used to give me before and soon I started to feel a shame after ejaculating. Then I realized that I haven't had a morning wood for years and that I was neglecting this fact. I was checking regularly the escort pages but I never called any of the girls for one reason or another. So checking these sites was just like spending time in porn sites.
The breaking point was one summer night this year when me and a friend of mine who owed me a favor went to a strip club to pay his dues. There I invited one of the strippers to join us and we really liked each other. She was... ah, amazing. She danced like a goddess. She had a wonderful body and a bleach blond hair (I will not go so much in details, we are trying to reboot after all ;D ). In addition, she was very sweet. We talked a lot and I got the impression that she is not a typical drug addicted, arrogant whore who dances naked for money. Then my friend asked me to go because we would otherwise spend the whole salary in one night. The very next night I withdrew enough cash to have a wonderful time and I went to the club again. And she was there. She came to me directly and asked me why did we go so early last night and that she was disappointed to see me leaving. We talked for more than an hour and I really got the feeling that she really likes me and it is not just her job to behave like this. Then she offered me to go to the private room. I was very nervous and anxious, my face went red but I followed her. She told me that normally she does not do this but she really likes me and she wants it. And what happened then - I couldn't lift it and I ejaculated early at 50-60 % erected before I had the chance to have sex with the most beautiful and sweet girl I have ever had the chance to be with and no matter that she was a stripper. She started blaming herself for this, she apologized and kissed me, but I knew that it was just me. I was still not sure what can cause it. I was 26 year old healthy young man with no bad habits (excluding watching porn, but like many others I didn't know it was such a problem because "everybody is doing it"), visiting the gym regularly, eating healthy and so on. I made a blood test to check my testosterone and estrogen levels - the testosterone was at the peak of what is considered normal. I thought to myself - it is not normal to be a walking testosterone bomb and to have such problems. I visited an urologist who rubbed my balls and made the conclusion that it is caused by stress and I should relax more - easy to say. Well, man, my grandfather was raised in poverty, working his ass off during his whole life, wasn't he stressed, too?! But he didn't have such problems. I started to blame the fitness supplements because some of them are known for causing a temporary erectile dysfunction but deep down I have already realized that the problem was not between my legs - it was between my ears!
This was the first time when I really decided to start a reboot. By that time I already knew about NoFap movement, Gabe Deem and Gary Wilson's work but I didn't pay much attention. Even after the start of it I relapsed 2-3 times and I was edging a lot. Once I visited an erotic massage studio to check if I can get aroused by touching and now I think it was a mistake - I just substituted porn with a real life porn scenario. It went relatively good but I was not impressed by myself. And that was the last time I relapsed on purpose.
Then I started to watch tons of videos related to PIED and porn addiction. I learned how the dopamine system can be easily crashed by the neuro reactions caused by pornographic addiction and I finally found the root of all evil. The most shocking fact for me was that the porn addiction has relatively the same impact over the brain like heroine and cocaine addiction - something that I was against all my life and I am sure I will never try! And while these drugs are scientifically proven to be extremely harmful, the society is against them and, you know, they are not very cheap and easy to find, the pornography is in abundance, it is absolutely free and its use is even encouraged! Take for example - all music TVs these days are softcore porn TVs. There are booty shaking bitchez and girls kissing each other in almost every music video. Sometimes I thought: man, am I broken forever. But after reading a bunch of stories of a successful reboot I felt like I am not alone and there is a hope for me to lead a happy and normal life so I decided to go hard mode for whatever long it takes.
I used to go on two 40 days streaks back in the days but they had nothing to do with reboot ideas so that is my first 40+ days streak on purpose and I must admit - I already see signs of improvement. During my first two or two weeks I was edging a lot but after watching a video about this I convinced myself that it could be even more harmful than actual PMO. Anyway. I am now more confident when talking to people. I don't use a standard set of phrases when I am talking like I used to do before, I am speaking more confidently. My eyes are widely open. I look at people in the eyes. I don't have time to visit the gym very often these days but I can't wait to crush the machines soon. I feel again the joy of playing the guitar and the feeling that the sound gives me. I started to read books about positive thinking and the power of the mind and I realized - I have only one brain - I must keep it safe. I feel more energy inside me and maybe for the first time in my life at 26 I finally feel what it is like to feel like a real man. The man that I deserve to be and that I know I can be. And it is awesome! I even finally started to develop my long forgotten business idea - something that I have always postponed or didn't feel the need to start doing it because of my damaged dopamine rewarding system. Well - I had the key to the wonderland - why should I started to think about growing a business and self-employment when I had an instant access to all of the hottest girls in the world in their most intimate moments. At the end of the third week I had a massive nocturnal emission and some obscure attempts for morning erections - a sure sign that something in me is changing. I even noticed that I can get 70-80% aroused by fantasizing but this is something that I am trying really hard to avoid although I am fantasizing from first person view - like I am doing the things. I am not scared of flat lines - they are also a sign that the chemical chains in my brain are rewiring.
Don't be silly, guys. We are part of the great porn experiment.
Don't let yourself slip away. The path down is very easy to follow. Say no to that bad habit and prepare yourself to go on a long journey. I am still at the beginning but I already know it is worthy. I will keep on the hard mode as long as it needs to heal myself - no PMO, no facebook, etc. And I will not attempt to have sex until I feel that I am fully healed and ready to step into a relationship. I don't want my partner to get a porn addicted brainless junkie!
Beside this I am somehow thankful for this experience. I was depressed and broken, even suicidal, but it made me learn so many things about me and the world around me. Things that I would otherwise neglect. I am completely different person from the one that I was when I was addicted to porn and I hope to become the best version of myself when I am fully healed. I pray for you, NoFap bros. Pray for me, too!
D.
P.S.
I hope to see that stripper again when I am fully recovered. I will have so much more to show her.
I have read already around 1000 different stories and now I wanted to share mine.
I am 26 and I am fighting porn addiction which led me to PIED.
My first clash with pornographic video was when I was 11 or 12. I went to the house of a very good friend of mine who was just granted with a high speed internet access. There was a feature from his network provider that allowed access to illegally uploaded (back then in 2002-2003 it was quite normal) music, movies and... porn. We watched some videos and then I went home. To be honest I didn't feel anything and it was not the moment when I developed addiction. I continued with all my typical daily activities for a young moron like playing football (I was was such a promising talent), playing video games, learning English etc. It's been years until it really hit me.
When I turned 14, a few days before my high school admission exams I decided to masturbate without porn. Almost all my friends were already doing it while I didn't feel any urges. They were also talking about porn and other stuff and some of them even stated that they had had sex but I didn't believe them. This was my first successful masturbation session and I felt proud of myself. Then I immediately started doing it every day. First without any visual stimulation but then the things changed. I started with naked pictures and it was working really well. Then I switched to internet videos. Back then the download speed was not very high and reliable so I had to wait for 2-3 hours until the video downloaded. Very soon it became a habit and I didn't realize what's about to happen. A few months later I switched to lesbian porn and it formed my taste. Two (or later more) gorgeous girls love each other and don't hesitate showing it - what could get better.
During my high school years I must admit that I was relatively very popular in my school. I was good looking, playing guitar in a rock band, had a lot of friends and rewinding to that moment - a lot of girls liked me but I was too stupid to notice it mostly because I was very bad at the chasing game and I didn't respond to their signals properly. At that time all of the boys at my age were masturbating to porn without knowing the consequences and we thought it was normal. Back then nobody knew how harmful this stuff can be.
And now I must say that we, who were born after 1990, were the first generation that found their sexuality through porn and not through connection with a real partner.
I would not focus on occasional sex over my late teens because back then maybe it hasn't caused so much damage to me, yet.
I met my first long term girlfriend when I was 23. She was 20 back then. I was her first man. There were 3 months until we had successful sex and... the problem was not in me. For some reason she couldn't get aroused. She told me that she had 3 or 4 times trying without any reaction. I was OK with that and I didn't force her. Back then I didn't have severe erection problems. I was getting aroused by her, although I didn't have the chance to penetrate. We started slowly with oral, she constantly got more confident and one hot summer night she finally let me in and we made it. Then a few days later something terrible happened. I was in the bed with her, teasing her down under and I didn't lift it. This was the very first time it happened to me. I tried to hide it but she got angry, despite all my understanding about her problems previously. After that there was another failed bed session. This time she showed some understanding. Simultaneously she continued being aroused hardly. We tried lubricants and other stuff but the problem was not solved. At that time I was associating my erection problems with stress at work - we started a new project and so many tasks were delegated to me that I wanted to clone myself to finish everything on time. Over the time sex was getting worse and worse. Sometimes I was losing erection inside her, sometimes I finished very early. I continued blaming my job and even the fact that my girl put on some extra weight around her waist and on her tights. I must admit that I masturbated to porn almost every day while we were still in a relationship and I didn't have any problems getting aroused by porn videos on demand so it was strange to me why I cannot perform that good with a real partner. Two months before my 25th birthday we broke up. After that I had 0 success with the girls that I wanted to be with.
I started to lift weights again. Something that I haven't been doing for years. At some point despite the good diet, the killing workout sessions at the gym and the expensive supplements I couldn't notice a significant result. Then I thought to myself - what if I stop masturbating. I heard that the release of the testosterone when ejaculating can kill your gains although it is not scientifically proven.
Then I tried to stop several times but the longest journey was 5 days and then back on it again.
I continued masturbating on porn every day and sometimes during the weekends I ejaculated 3 times a day. Slowly my taste started to change. From normal and lesbian porn (these days I find even this category irritating) at some point I started to search for a hardcore stuff and then I switched to the 9th circle of porn hell - the shemale porn. After watching this for a week and masturbating to it I started to think - man, what am I doing?! This was the first time when I said to myself that there is sth wrong with me. Once I even thought that my sexual preferences may have changed and I was shocked. And all of a sudden I started to realize that I have a severe problem. After the few failed flirts I started losing interest in having a relationship with a real life girl. I set my mind to "all of them are bitches and they do not deserve my attention". And why should they? I had an unlimited access to my fantasy porn world, where everything was possible and allowed. Then I started to experience all symptoms of porn addiction - fatigue, social anxiety, bad sleep quality and other well known symptoms but I didn't take any actions except stop watching shemale porn. By that time the porn even stopped giving me the pleasure it used to give me before and soon I started to feel a shame after ejaculating. Then I realized that I haven't had a morning wood for years and that I was neglecting this fact. I was checking regularly the escort pages but I never called any of the girls for one reason or another. So checking these sites was just like spending time in porn sites.
The breaking point was one summer night this year when me and a friend of mine who owed me a favor went to a strip club to pay his dues. There I invited one of the strippers to join us and we really liked each other. She was... ah, amazing. She danced like a goddess. She had a wonderful body and a bleach blond hair (I will not go so much in details, we are trying to reboot after all ;D ). In addition, she was very sweet. We talked a lot and I got the impression that she is not a typical drug addicted, arrogant whore who dances naked for money. Then my friend asked me to go because we would otherwise spend the whole salary in one night. The very next night I withdrew enough cash to have a wonderful time and I went to the club again. And she was there. She came to me directly and asked me why did we go so early last night and that she was disappointed to see me leaving. We talked for more than an hour and I really got the feeling that she really likes me and it is not just her job to behave like this. Then she offered me to go to the private room. I was very nervous and anxious, my face went red but I followed her. She told me that normally she does not do this but she really likes me and she wants it. And what happened then - I couldn't lift it and I ejaculated early at 50-60 % erected before I had the chance to have sex with the most beautiful and sweet girl I have ever had the chance to be with and no matter that she was a stripper. She started blaming herself for this, she apologized and kissed me, but I knew that it was just me. I was still not sure what can cause it. I was 26 year old healthy young man with no bad habits (excluding watching porn, but like many others I didn't know it was such a problem because "everybody is doing it"), visiting the gym regularly, eating healthy and so on. I made a blood test to check my testosterone and estrogen levels - the testosterone was at the peak of what is considered normal. I thought to myself - it is not normal to be a walking testosterone bomb and to have such problems. I visited an urologist who rubbed my balls and made the conclusion that it is caused by stress and I should relax more - easy to say. Well, man, my grandfather was raised in poverty, working his ass off during his whole life, wasn't he stressed, too?! But he didn't have such problems. I started to blame the fitness supplements because some of them are known for causing a temporary erectile dysfunction but deep down I have already realized that the problem was not between my legs - it was between my ears!
This was the first time when I really decided to start a reboot. By that time I already knew about NoFap movement, Gabe Deem and Gary Wilson's work but I didn't pay much attention. Even after the start of it I relapsed 2-3 times and I was edging a lot. Once I visited an erotic massage studio to check if I can get aroused by touching and now I think it was a mistake - I just substituted porn with a real life porn scenario. It went relatively good but I was not impressed by myself. And that was the last time I relapsed on purpose.
Then I started to watch tons of videos related to PIED and porn addiction. I learned how the dopamine system can be easily crashed by the neuro reactions caused by pornographic addiction and I finally found the root of all evil. The most shocking fact for me was that the porn addiction has relatively the same impact over the brain like heroine and cocaine addiction - something that I was against all my life and I am sure I will never try! And while these drugs are scientifically proven to be extremely harmful, the society is against them and, you know, they are not very cheap and easy to find, the pornography is in abundance, it is absolutely free and its use is even encouraged! Take for example - all music TVs these days are softcore porn TVs. There are booty shaking bitchez and girls kissing each other in almost every music video. Sometimes I thought: man, am I broken forever. But after reading a bunch of stories of a successful reboot I felt like I am not alone and there is a hope for me to lead a happy and normal life so I decided to go hard mode for whatever long it takes.
I used to go on two 40 days streaks back in the days but they had nothing to do with reboot ideas so that is my first 40+ days streak on purpose and I must admit - I already see signs of improvement. During my first two or two weeks I was edging a lot but after watching a video about this I convinced myself that it could be even more harmful than actual PMO. Anyway. I am now more confident when talking to people. I don't use a standard set of phrases when I am talking like I used to do before, I am speaking more confidently. My eyes are widely open. I look at people in the eyes. I don't have time to visit the gym very often these days but I can't wait to crush the machines soon. I feel again the joy of playing the guitar and the feeling that the sound gives me. I started to read books about positive thinking and the power of the mind and I realized - I have only one brain - I must keep it safe. I feel more energy inside me and maybe for the first time in my life at 26 I finally feel what it is like to feel like a real man. The man that I deserve to be and that I know I can be. And it is awesome! I even finally started to develop my long forgotten business idea - something that I have always postponed or didn't feel the need to start doing it because of my damaged dopamine rewarding system. Well - I had the key to the wonderland - why should I started to think about growing a business and self-employment when I had an instant access to all of the hottest girls in the world in their most intimate moments. At the end of the third week I had a massive nocturnal emission and some obscure attempts for morning erections - a sure sign that something in me is changing. I even noticed that I can get 70-80% aroused by fantasizing but this is something that I am trying really hard to avoid although I am fantasizing from first person view - like I am doing the things. I am not scared of flat lines - they are also a sign that the chemical chains in my brain are rewiring.
Don't be silly, guys. We are part of the great porn experiment.
Don't let yourself slip away. The path down is very easy to follow. Say no to that bad habit and prepare yourself to go on a long journey. I am still at the beginning but I already know it is worthy. I will keep on the hard mode as long as it needs to heal myself - no PMO, no facebook, etc. And I will not attempt to have sex until I feel that I am fully healed and ready to step into a relationship. I don't want my partner to get a porn addicted brainless junkie!
Beside this I am somehow thankful for this experience. I was depressed and broken, even suicidal, but it made me learn so many things about me and the world around me. Things that I would otherwise neglect. I am completely different person from the one that I was when I was addicted to porn and I hope to become the best version of myself when I am fully healed. I pray for you, NoFap bros. Pray for me, too!
D.
P.S.
I hope to see that stripper again when I am fully recovered. I will have so much more to show her.
