Stiffy is ready to EVOLVE.

Stiffy

Active Member
I go on little spurts of abstinence and feel great when I do. I?ve gone months in the past and it was when I was using this community as a resource. Mentally I?m in a dark place right now and I truly believe if I can harness this vice of mine that my quality of life and self-image will greatly improve. I?m not going to bore you with a back story. I have a habit and I don?t like it. Simple as that.

If I can make it to tomorrow it will be day one of no PMO.

Will be relying on lots of prayer, and this journal to hold me accountable.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 1 down.

I have to say that I did have sex with orgasm two times last night with the girl I am dating. Ideally I want to be practicing Karezza, as I am reading Cupid?s Poison Arrow right now and I?m really vibing with everything it?s talking about so far. If I have sex with her in the future I will be avoiding orgasm and practicing a different way of love making. I was attempting it last night and have done it for a couple weeks before - but I unfortunately failed to restrain it from happening. It was nice to talk about it and get support in return.

No porn or masturbation since I lasted posted which is really the goal for me right now.

Haven?t said any prayer today, will do that as soon as I am done posting this.

I?m grateful for: Communication and the ability to share ideas and see things from other viewpoints. Had that not been possible I obviously wouldn?t be here right now.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day two down. No desire or temptations today. Got things done that i needed to get done.

Feels food. My sense self-worth goes out the window with PMO. Confidence and a sense of peace with yourself is much better in my opinion than the short escape of an orgasm and the vicious cycle it creates. Time to pray and sleep.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day three down.

No porn no masturbation.

I didn?t think about it really until I laid down to go to bed which is usually my time to indulge if i?m alone. Not a super strong urge. I don?t want to do it. Gonna pray and sleep.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 4 down. Went to an amusement park and rode roller coasters today. Got drunk after @ a mexican restaurant, had some sex and about to pass out. No porn today or masturbation. That?s a success.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 5 and still trucking.

It?s funny the small things that can trigger you. A simple thumbnail of a girls ass on youtube had me triggered. I thought about it for a second and recognized what was happening, thought it through and did not continue looking at the image or moving to porn. I also was bugged at the girl I am dating when that happened which probably played into the desire and thought of acting out as normal when I am tempted. I know I use PMO not just as a source of sexual pleasure/relief but also as a method of escape and a numbing of my emotions so that I can hide from the things that I don?t want to deal with. I chose not to be a coward today. I don?t want to run, hide, escape, or numb anything through that destructive coping mechanism.

I will never be the MAN that I want to be if I continue to be like that. It?s so easy to push it off and say, I?ll try tomorrow. Tomorrow will never come. I will say that everyday until I decide NOW is the time that I will make a decision and follow that decision with real action (or in this case - inaction) with real intent.

I think it?s important to remember we have literally rewired our brains. This has been a problem for me and a source of shame since before I was even 10 years old. I?m in my late twenties now. This will NOT be easy. That?s a long fucking time to build that habit. That habit has affected me on so many levels. I know that it?s in an overwhelmingly negative manner as well. I MUST make the decision. It is possible, others have done it and thank god for people that are willing to share their stories and be open and honest about real issues that are considered taboo or private.

PMO goes against the very thing that in my opinion makes life worth living. Love. I desire nothing else more than to LOVE. I want a wife that I can offer myself to at my full potential or at least always be striving to be my best self for her. I want a relationship that lasts and is real. A strong relationship. I want to have children and raise them to be good and be able to be my best self for them. I want to feel proud of myself and good about the things that I do when nobody is looking. So many things that I equate to happiness are undermined by this habit. I really do believe thaf the shame and many other negative side effects that come with PMO are the source of a vast majority of my problems.

I just went on a rant but venting is why I am here. This felt good to type and these are my real thoughts and feelings. If you?re reading this, thank you for that. I hope that you can relate in some way and that you also feel a sense of how important it is to fight. You?re not alone. I?m giving this my damndest and I hope you do too. Remember, if you mess up... it?s not over. This is not my first attempt. Words to live by: Progress not perfection.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 6

Good so far. Had wicked insomnia last night. Usually that would be a trigger for me to rub one out as if that would help. Didn?t do it. I?m gonna read more of my book today. I love it.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 7

Looked at porn for a short period of time and edged a little bit. Will not get down in myself. I still have made so much progress.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 15

Still have not pmo?d. Edged a couple days ago. Will be doing my best to avoid that. Overall I?m happy with my efforts so far. Will continue to push forward.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 17

Hopped on here cause I am craving to PMO. Why I?m not sure. I don?t feel in the best head space, but I do know that I don?t want to ruin my streak for a short meaningless pleasure. This is the strongest desire to PMO I?ve had so far.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 18. Got through yesterday without PMO or edging or anything, despite having the strongest cravings so far. I have edged twice through these 18 days and posted about them already. I do feel like I have made a shift this time around as far as increased seriousness.

According to my book that I am reading orgasm can cause general problems with ones well-being whether male or female. There is a hang over period that can last up to two weeks. Curious if I may have experienced that yesterday as it was the day after I had sex with my partner and O?d after probably about a week without. I believe some refer to it as the ?chaser effect?. Regardless, I am going to stay determined. I came to this site and read around while I was battling the craving and it helped remind me why this is important.

Gonna pray and go to sleep now.
 
From what I understand, orgasms with a real partner are very beneficial for rebooting. It's supposed to help your brain associate the feeling from climaxing with a real person rather than a virtual partner. It's all other orgasms that have the potential to send you back down the rabbit hole.
That's just from what I've read though. Keep on praying and rebooting. You're doing great.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Resetting my streak.

I fucked up.

I?m an all or nothing type of person. So, I messed up pretty bad. I am going to try and not look at this as failure, but a bump in the road. Overall through the past few months I can look back and say, ?I have significantly cut back on PMO.?

It is no longer something that I can accept. It will be a continual fight. If I fall, I will get back up again.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 1 down.

My emotions and self control seem to go out the window after relapse. I started a conflict with the girl I?m dating and it was completely the wrong approach and not even necessary at all.

Good news is, I haven?t PMO?d. Lots of times in the past I would just say fuck it and not be determined to continue my efforts to abstain. Here?s to another 24 hours.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 2 down.

Feel very good about things. I?m not being overly negative about my relapse, and I feel as though I?ve gained valuable insight because of it. This is encouraging as in the past a relapse would typically lead to a significant portion of time where I?d just give up until I hated myself enough to try again. I didn?t fall off the wagon and let it leave me behind, I?ve hopped right back on it and learned to be more prepared for the bumps in the road.

I also have a woman in my life that I?m very close to that I have been very open to over the years. It?s a blessing. She is open to different ways of making love and willing to explore Karezza with me. Karezza is difficult because it?s a completely different way of having sex that means slow, relaxed intercourse. Never intending to orgasm for either person and trying to stay away from that as far as possible. While I?ve had success not orgasming in the past, I?ve always gotten to points that I would consider ?edging? while trying to practice Karezza.

Last night was incredible. I never got to the point of edging or being close to climax. I feel like it was the first time that I actually successfully practiced Karezza. It was incredibly passionate and loving. No selfish desire to orgasm, just enjoyment of being one with my partner and it was incredibly pleasurable in that regard. Definitely the best sexual experience I have had when it comes to actually making love.

I know there are a lot of skeptics when it comes to Karezza and avoiding orgasm, but to me it makes total sense that orgasm and having sex the wrong way is a major problem unbeknownst to the masses. Mastering the art I think will reap many rewards. If you?re interested I think it?s worth checking out. A book that goes over the topics I?m discussing is called, ?Cupids Poison Arrow: From Habit to harmony in sexual relationships? and I highly recommend it.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
It is 3AM and was having cravings earlier and feeling emotionally unstable due to other reasons. Might explain the cravings. Prayed and asked God to remove my insecurities and anxiety. To give me peace as well as protection from temptation.

It helped. I can?t say my head isn?t spinning a bit right now, but I am no longer in a semi-panic state. Sometimes I find it hard to differentiate the cause of my inner turmoils. Is my bad habit the source or is it a deeper root than that?

I do know I have no real desire for PMO, just to escape. I will not be a coward tonight.
 

Stiffy

Active Member
Day 4.

Got through last night despite cravings and feelings of being uncomfortable. Happy to say that. Even if thigs might not be going perfectly in my life I must be able to abstain. I won?t benefit by compounding the problems. I love feeling like I?ve made progress. Though I relapsed and am only on a 4 day streak, I know I?m still benefitting from only  one relapse in the last ~1 month.
 
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