Day 5 and still trucking.
It?s funny the small things that can trigger you. A simple thumbnail of a girls ass on youtube had me triggered. I thought about it for a second and recognized what was happening, thought it through and did not continue looking at the image or moving to porn. I also was bugged at the girl I am dating when that happened which probably played into the desire and thought of acting out as normal when I am tempted. I know I use PMO not just as a source of sexual pleasure/relief but also as a method of escape and a numbing of my emotions so that I can hide from the things that I don?t want to deal with. I chose not to be a coward today. I don?t want to run, hide, escape, or numb anything through that destructive coping mechanism.
I will never be the MAN that I want to be if I continue to be like that. It?s so easy to push it off and say, I?ll try tomorrow. Tomorrow will never come. I will say that everyday until I decide NOW is the time that I will make a decision and follow that decision with real action (or in this case - inaction) with real intent.
I think it?s important to remember we have literally rewired our brains. This has been a problem for me and a source of shame since before I was even 10 years old. I?m in my late twenties now. This will NOT be easy. That?s a long fucking time to build that habit. That habit has affected me on so many levels. I know that it?s in an overwhelmingly negative manner as well. I MUST make the decision. It is possible, others have done it and thank god for people that are willing to share their stories and be open and honest about real issues that are considered taboo or private.
PMO goes against the very thing that in my opinion makes life worth living. Love. I desire nothing else more than to LOVE. I want a wife that I can offer myself to at my full potential or at least always be striving to be my best self for her. I want a relationship that lasts and is real. A strong relationship. I want to have children and raise them to be good and be able to be my best self for them. I want to feel proud of myself and good about the things that I do when nobody is looking. So many things that I equate to happiness are undermined by this habit. I really do believe thaf the shame and many other negative side effects that come with PMO are the source of a vast majority of my problems.
I just went on a rant but venting is why I am here. This felt good to type and these are my real thoughts and feelings. If you?re reading this, thank you for that. I hope that you can relate in some way and that you also feel a sense of how important it is to fight. You?re not alone. I?m giving this my damndest and I hope you do too. Remember, if you mess up... it?s not over. This is not my first attempt. Words to live by: Progress not perfection.