The Scare That Forced Me To Change EVERYTHING! (trigger WARNING)

Hi I'm 18 now and Ive been watching porn since I was 12 years old. I thought it was a normal part of growing up and it was fun for me at first. Time went on, I began to notice how porn went from being new and fun to very dangerous and soul darkening. I COULDN'T SEEM TO STOP WATCHING! I went from watching for only for 10 minutes or so, every 4 or 5 days. To watching every single day sometimes 3 or 4 times a day! I know it's sad. I explored porn, I began to become more and more used to certain videos so I'd move on to more hardcore ones. At one point it took me over 45 minutes just to O watching porn. My self-esteem went down I became sad and pitiful and stopped going after real women because I didn't feel like I deserved to. I just felt gross and yet I still couldn't stop watching. Eventually I realized I was unconsciously sabotaging my relationships with women. I'd always mess things up before I had a chance to get intimate with any girls. After some reflection I realized this was because I'd grown insecure about engaging in sex with real women. I didn't feel desire towards it, I had grown comfortable with pornography and getting with real women was out of my element and quite embarrassing for me especially since things rarely turned me on anymore. I went through most of high school this way and became the most sad empty shell of a guy. During my upperclassmen years I realized I was negatively affected by porn and wanted to change my habit. Id struggle to go days without porn and I was lucky to have a week where I was porn free. But I was always snapped right back into my habit. Worse than before. :-\  But I tried to cut porn out and I tried talking to more girls and I managed to go a little further than usual and engage in intimate relations. I wasn't sure what to expect at all and It was very awkward, she gave me oral and it took a little while for me to get hard but eventually it happened. I tried to take things further to intercourse but I couldn't stay hard long enough to make it happen. We were running short on time anyway so we stopped it right there and I didn't think much of it. It was still an uncomfortable experience and I never spoke her again. But even though it was uncomfortable and I still watched porn. Sex with a real girl still intrigued me.

The summer I graduated high school everything changed for me.....
I met this awesome girl and I literally fell head over heels for her with in hours of meeting her! I courted her and we began hanging out. Mean while at this point I still watch porn all the time. But we flirt back and forth and eventually I tell her how I feel about her. I told her I wanted her to be mine and she liked the idea. We began dating and hanging out there would be times when we hung out where I'd get hard all the time and we didn't do anything too sexual until after about 2 months. I was so excited I met her and I thought "Maybe if I have a real girlfriend I wouldn't get the urge to watch porn anymore" so Finally the day came where we decided to take things further. We were both a little nervous. She wasn't a virgin however I was.
She was undressed and GUESS WHAT! I wasn't turned on in the slightest by her. The crazy thing was I was so excited for this moment and she is literally GORGEOUSSSS!! I couldn't believe I wasn't hard! So I told her I wasn't sure what was going on and so she tried to help with oral but I COULDN'T FEEL A THING AND I WAS COMPLETELY NUMB!!!!!!! I was terrified and Just shocked.  I didn't think this would ever happen!  I never got hard and it was so embarrassing. Could I possibly have given myself ED? This literally snapped something in me and the scare of damaging my penis for good literally destroyed any desire I had to watch porn. And frankly I liked the girl more. Its been a while since I've last watched porn but I'm still going through things. 

I'll continue this journal in a few days to let you guys know what happened after this. 

If anyone can relate or has any comments feel free to let me know how you feel about my entry.

Hey man. Good you have identified porn as an issue. For it truly is on all levels of existence.

Porn warps our perception of what actual human intimacy is like. After a while of watching it, it has become so habitual to our minds that we can't even see it for what it is. Two people engaged in an act. It's sexual theater. Very important to remind yourself of that.

Now you had this real experience with a girl and it didn't work as you expected. I can relate since i've felt the same non-responsive numbness when a girl I found very attractive took off her clothes for me. A weird feeling indeed. One of the explanations is that we've wired ourselves neurologically to the fake thing. Yes through porn, we have become conditioned to something unreal. A very sad state of affairs.

On the positive, your brains can become rewired to respond to real intimacy. But for that porn has to be removed from your life.

You already know it makes you feel miserable and gross. And its often in moments when we experience low self-worth we escape these uncomfortable feelings by orgasm watching porn, adding more to the misery.

Good idea to keep a (private) journal and honestly express your reasons for porn. It can help give you insight into why porn has even become a part of your life.