Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 40 and up => Topic started by: BobbyD on June 15, 2014, 06:41:56 AM

Title: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 15, 2014, 06:41:56 AM
I keep screwing up and I need something to be accountable for. I feel not so much guilt for me,but for my wife and how wonderful she is.I want to reconnect with badly.I need something to make myself accountable for,and to rid myself of this toxic world of masturbation,porn and sex addiction.I felt that since it was Fathers Day,I was allowed a slip up..and now I feel like crap.Also,are there any books that members could recommend? I've kind of had it with therapists and their "I want you on meds" or "I really don't know to much about PO,PMO,or MO addictions".If they are somewhat versed in this area,they tell me the same things members on here tell me,but without being charged and arm and a leg for stating the obvious.Thanks in advance and to all dads..happy Fathers Day.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: thenyteowl on June 15, 2014, 08:04:46 AM
"How do I start a journal?"  You just did. Post as often and regularly as you like. Find an accountablity partner (I'm available) and post to each other's journal. Swap ideas and ways to rid the PMO addiction. I like the idea of everytime writing in the journal to list something I'm grateful for. It helps with thinking that there is abundance in the universe.

Also don't beat yourself up for relapsing. On average it takes an alcoholic 13 tries before they fully figure out how not to be an alcoholic. It's like saying that each try the get better and better at learning their triggers, how to over come them, etc. It happens. The key is to realize that relapse is part of the process. It's normal.

As for books, the one I love to use is Changeology by Norcross. It gives a step by step plan on making and breaking habits. I'm sure others will chime in on books and techniques they've used.

Get a counter for your posts. That is one of the main things I like about this site. I love looking at the number of days I've been without PMO. It's motivating.

I also have a widget on my phone called days left. It's the opposite of the counter in that you give a target date and it counts the number of days I have left to reach that target.

Those two are automatic devices I use. I also keep a calendar where I give myself a checkmark for everyday I don't PMO.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: savingmysoul on June 16, 2014, 12:20:14 PM
Welcome to the Nation bobby,

this is a great first step, you will find that many of us share your struggle - and it is a struggle.
It is one day at a time, but if you find your strength and build new habits it DOES get easier.
Relapses do happen, but you are still stronger for the earlier effort so hang in there.

Can i ask if your wife knows?  I was caught, and as we started to research and learn I had a much clearer understanding of what i had done to myself.  I also understand that I made choices - the wrong ones - hurtful ones, i have carved up my wife's soul.  I like others here are desparately trying to reconnect with our wives, and re-establish that bond.  My wife has struggled to be sure, but she has found the strength and courage to help me through this in order to get to a much closer and stronger relationship.  I haven't made it easy on her, and i would be lost without her.  Dealing with the shame and guilt is one aspect, but dealing with the mental picture of the monster i had become with the lying and betrayal is overwhelming.

I tried the therapy route, and i did not find much help there either - I thank God for Gabe and sites like this one.  You can find support here, you can find friends who share your pain. 

Find your strength, keep reading and researching, take it one day at a time - and you can get through this. 

Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Viper on June 17, 2014, 08:30:31 PM
YOu just did start a journal-
I encourage you to read other journals on here.
It helps out a lot since most have the same story you are sharing.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: WiP on June 18, 2014, 05:29:07 AM
YOu just did start a journal-
I encourage you to read other journals on here.
It helps out a lot since most have the same story you are sharing.

Viper is right and that is the best advice that was given to me.  Read Read Red you will find that you are not alone or some horrible person.  We all have been there and are struggling one day at a time
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 18, 2014, 07:56:48 AM
Gentlemen..or Ladies..Thanks so much for the advice.I haven't been able to post like I want to with so many family obligations and work.I do agree about therapists.They really aren't up to speed with what this world of PMO/MO addiction.I've heard everything to "whats that site you joined and what do they talk about" to "read this book",because they figured they would find a random sex therapy book,knowing they don't have the skills to coupe with my issues or give sound advice.In a sense,I would only place trust in the members on here who have unique,yet similar stories too me.

Grasping this life time problem has been overwhelming to say the least.My biggest gripe and concern is actually giving up MO'ing for the rest of my life,or at least till I start having normal sex with my wife again.My trouble has not been so much excessive porn use as of late ( because I have seen so much porn,it got boring and ho-hum),its my porn fantasizing/MO'ng and how my fantasy tastes have changed and are freaking me out.I almost feel scared that my mind won't return back to that 18 year old kid who could walk in the high school showers with other guys,not think much of it,go back to class and look at a hot girls ass or fantasize about them.Now,women have become a blank slate for me and looking a girls genitalia or other body parts has become ho-hum.I have heard that people who are truly addicted to porn experience this and find other avenues ( ie gay porn or tranny porn or whatever) to get off.My question is..why do heterosexual men or women find the opposite so sexually appealing? My answer when I first started this was "it's probably a closeted man being over heterosexual to hide their homosexual side",and for years I thought "why did/do I love a woman's body,their vaginas and boobs and now I have lost interest".I am going to ride this out,because I can't keep going back to that life style..I owe it to myself,my wife and my children.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 18, 2014, 08:03:57 AM story mirrors yours.My wife,when she found out,considered this cheating and robs us of our life of intimacy.At first I laughed and said " How is wacking off to porn to some lowlifes,that I could care less about cheating??"..but in fact,I was the lowlife who was engaging in porn MOing which has become my sexual partner instead of my wife. Since starting this whole process,I have realized that what I have done to our marriage needs correction..and that is no more porn and MO'ing.It is brutally hard,but I have to ride this out or I am never going to get better. I will look for your blog on here and offer as much help as I can.I am sure we have similar thinking considering we have mirrored stories.We'll talk soon,and keep your head up.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Viper on June 19, 2014, 05:19:44 AM
LoL @ low lifes-
But seriously though, you can go back to normal intimacy.
Looks like you're on a mission.
Keep reading some journals and be inspired.
Focus on what you can offer today and not worry
about how many days it's going to take before you start
having sex regularly.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 19, 2014, 07:44:00 AM
Viper..glad you liked the lowlife reference..I'm quite the character.I'm the dude who walks in the room and everyone goes "hide,because he's gonna break our balls and pick at our flaws".I don't take myself to seriously...but this porn shit has got me worried.After rebooting a few times I kind of got it,were I can't undo this unless I go through the struggles.It makes sense.If you want a aint coming easy.I guess they say the happiest people who have the best sex lives are those who aren't thrill seekers.They live a very boring,predictable life.Where I live ,which is New Jersey,I live in a very affluent town were hedonism is rampant.Sex clubs,wife swapping,drinking, name it.I had some woman at kids party start chatting me up,finger herself and when I turned to her,she wiped it under my nose and goes "what do you think?" I go "smells like fish and cheese and you need to take care of that..immediately" Hot as hell she was..but this is what I have to deal with being a porn addict..constant triggers.So,I have stepped back,and became more of a home body with my kids and declined alot of these bullshit social gatherings that these parents say are for the kids,but it's just an excuse to drink and do drugs..which I don't want my kids to see. If you get a chance,check out Randy Pauch's last lecture.It will inspire you to attain greatness.It has impacted my life and gives me a meaning of how lucky I am to have a wonderful wife and children.I will get through this.Like all recovering addicts,I will find joy and happiness in the simplicity of life itself.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Viper on June 21, 2014, 04:30:36 AM
Yes, I'm aware of the Last Lecture and it is inspiring.
Unlike Randy, we don't have a clear idea when we breathe our last breath.
Might as well live this life to the fullest.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 22, 2014, 07:24:42 AM
Viper,I do agree we do not know when or where we are going to pass on.It often baffles me to see someone so full of life and as optimistic as he can get,leave us so soon..yet there are people that are so cruel that live a longer life.I guess Billy Joel was right.."Only The Good Die Young".I still haven't acknowledge that what I do ( MO/PMO) is what is ruining my life.I often second guess why I am here and are these really and truly members who are suffering like me,or is it people with real serious issues using a forum to hide who they really are.I've spent several months day and day out thinking about this.I would guess that all this thinking is the "newbie" mindset and that true recovering addicts are hear for support to others and sometimes themselves.I have to get hold of this,because after the relaxing feeling of MO'ing wears off,I look at my wife and feel ashamed that we are not connected's almost like we are two strangers living in a house,just passing time, with me robbing her of what could actually be.I have to get back on my diet today and restart over again.I feel like I have given up because of all this restarting over and over's frustrating.I haven't given this a real effort,but I have too this time.I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to be left alone or more importantly leave my wife without giving her the joy of an intimate lifestyle..that's not fair to her..she deserves so much better.I'm not going to proclaim any "I'm start" bullshit threads,because that just makes me hide and mask what I really want to do,and that's MO.So,I'm not going to count days,when I'm ready..I'm ready.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Viper on June 23, 2014, 08:20:19 PM
Only reason why I came to the forum and contribute is because I couldn't find anyone else who
even knows this exist.
I went to see a therapist, a urologist, and my family doctor.
All of whom dismiss the idea that porn and jerking off can induce E.D.
I got no where with the so-called professionals.

I came across Gabe's video on YouTube and it lead me here.
Everything you've described about having this SO (significant other) is
exactly what a lot of us can relate to. about how
you're no longer turned on or motivated by her.
Join the club  8)

Reason being is that you've conditioned your mind to get you
off via porn and jerking off. It's like you shut off the real
woman circuit that you want to go balls deep with.
Never had this problem before so you think it will never
happen ever. Now you have E.D. and a real vagina
does nothing for you.

So it's time to resist all things that build lust.
Even gazing at women's asses (that's another subject but it is related).
You need to spend a lot of time free of jerking off and looking
at porn or sexual fantasy. Any film or image that has nudity that
can entice you are also forbidden. The more effort you put into it,
the more progress you will make.

I'm living proof and there are others on here as well. Read other
journals of guys like you who came in here months ago and who
are now turning the table of their addiction. And even getting
back closer to their normal sex drive.

How bad do you want it?
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 26, 2014, 10:59:33 AM
Viper..My therapist,and urologist said the exact opposite.They said MO/PMO certainly causes porn or fantasy induced ED.I did the same route as you did.I saw every friggin specialist there is.Nothing wrong with me. My general practioner,who is a very good friend of mine ( we went too Rutgers and Cornell Univ. together)and who happens to be a leading specialist on the east coast in ED and hormone replacement said that MO'ing most certainly causes ED.When I went in to see him for my results I go " Hey,does too much porn and MO'ing cause ED or loss of interest with your wife/significant other?" He shook his head and smirks and goes "do you know how many guys I get in here a day from ages 20 to 60 with's staggering..and 90% of them are porn addicted or MO addicted". So,if anyone has any doubts,here's the proof.This docotr friend mine also said "if everyone stopped watching porn,properly dieted and stopped wacking off..I would be out of business".
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Needs Coffee on June 26, 2014, 12:50:43 PM
"This docotr friend mine also said "if everyone stopped watching porn,properly dieted and stopped wacking off..I would be out of business"."

I LOVE that quote! While stopping PMO wouldn't end all disease and injuries, his statement highlights the seriousness of this subject.

Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on June 26, 2014, 04:26:54 PM
Needs Coffee..he wasn't fuckin around when he said that.This is guy whose a solo practioner,living in 6 million dollar house,driving a Bentley,Range Rover and full sedan Benz.He isn't some yutz who just read a book on Ed and said.."i'll go into that".He knows his shit and he said Mo'ing is the root of ED...period.He said unless you are 400 lbs with type 1 diabetes,severe prostate problems,high cholesterol,severe venous leakage,and a 3 packer a day cigarette habit,you should have no problem getting it up.He did say stress can temporarly cause ED,and mental problems..but aren't we all fucked anyway?
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Tclay on June 26, 2014, 06:52:12 PM

Don't kick yourself around...

Good article:
The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make (google it)

Life changing read:
Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame

And welcome!
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on July 02, 2014, 07:07:29 AM
Been very irritable lately since I started my "5th reboot".I've been avoiding coming on here because I have been depressed reading other guys successes with rebooting.It is so friggin hard to not be a  "creeper" ( ie the guy who sniffs womens panties,or sees a woman with her legs spread on a park bench and then walks by to get another look) or think about not having sex with multiple women.My buddy said it right ( who happen to sleep with hundreds of women).."it's all the same shit,and pretty much smells all the same..some worse then others".I don't know what I am looking for in this journey..I really don't.I have a wonderful wife and great kids,but I seem like I am all alone.I kind of attribute it too my abusive,lonely upbringing.There is pretty much not more to say,other then I have to stay on this course. The depression has set in pretty quickly on this 5th reboot.I read stories and loose hope,but I am optimistic that everyone on here is truthful to some extent and the success of beating all of this is at the end of the tunnel.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: Needs Coffee on July 02, 2014, 12:55:43 PM
I'm still a newbie with just my very limited experience from PMO recovery. You've probably already heard this old saying, but here's two things that have helped me through other problems in my life:

1. Don't give in.
2. If you ever do give in... Don't give up.

Please don't compare yourself to others, we each have our own circumstances and journey. You may not be where you want to be, but you're better than where you were.

Hang in there Bobby!
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: savingmysoul on July 07, 2014, 11:28:01 AM
Hang in there Bobby,

It is a process,  and does take time.  And you certainly are not alone.  We are all walking along this dark path to better days - and they will come. 

We all have the strength to get though this - and you will too.  Whether this is your 5th reboot or your 50th - do not give in.  We all have our demons to fight - some more frightening than others - but they are all very very real to each of us.  They can be dealt with - we all need to find that strength, and it does get better. 

Remember you are in this for Bobby - that is important to remember.  You can't do for others, unless you can do for you. 

Stay strong, you are not alone.
Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: OldHornyGuy on July 08, 2014, 12:30:47 PM
Hi Bobby,

Hang in there, a real relationship kicks the shit out of porn.

It's an old book, but try "Contrary to Love" about sexual addiction, written pre-internet porn, but it is a good start for someone in a relationship.  You can preview it here:

Good luck!

Title: Re: How do I start a journal?
Post by: BobbyD on July 17, 2014, 06:35:26 AM
Morning everyone..I haven't been posting because I feel that I am not taking this seriously and don't want to have "true believers and recoverers" from this addiction giving me words of encouragement and I am not taking it with the intent on really listening and getting better.I just don't know what to do.I can't get past 2 weeks and just relapse after relapse.I so desperately want to get this under control,even to the point of getting rid of my computer all together,but unfortunately need it for my work.I can't keep living my life like this,and having no intimacy with such a wonderful loving wife and mother as my wife is.It's almost like I live separately from my wife and children..and for what??? A bunch of dirtball pornstars who are lowest form out there...but ultimately I seem to be lower on the totem pole then them for soliciting their filth.I just can't seem to outline a plan of attack for coping and's so frustrating.I know everyone is different in recovery,but at some point will it get better after several weeks or months? That's my question.I hate this life of no intimacy..I hate it.I feel like I am robbing my wife of what she deserves,instead just being selfish and catering to myself..which sucks too.Can anyone give me somewhat of map out plan of what I should do to cope with this truly awful urges to MO/PMO? Thanks in advance,and be well everyone.