The fight to become a better version of myself

I want to share with you my Journey guys mainly to avoid a relapse. This is the 8 eight day since i last PMO and I have to admit that it is harder than i imagined, not because of the urge to masturbate or watch porn, but rather of the lack of emotional stability, the strong feeling of being lonely and also the fact that i now finally realized that porn really has damaged my personal life.
When I was 15 years old I had an amazing girlfriend with who I broke up with after 1,5 years, because I had the feeling that she couldn?t satisfy me sexually and the more time I spent with her the more she became unattractive to me, probably since she wasn't looking like the girls in porn...
I have treated her at this time like a complete douchebag and said things to her that I am really not proud of.

Today I'm 19 years and she is with an other guy, which makes me sad, but she really deserves to be treated good and I hope she is happy now and besides I'm the one now who isn't able to satisfy someone, because I'm likely to suffer of PIED. (I'm still not sure if I have an organic problem, but i doubt it.)

I have decided that i will leave all that behind and change my life dramatically, so here are my resolutions for 2016:

1. Going hardmode for at least 90 days
    2. Stop smoking cigarettes
    3. Reduce my consume of alcohol and weed to an absolute minimum
    4. Working out on a regular basis (I already did that before, but now i want to hit the gym hardcore)
    5. Living a very healthy lifestyle
    6. Becoming one of the best at my university


My daily routine now looks like this:

- Wake up at 7am
- Meditate 10 minutes
- taking a cold shower
- learn for about 4 hours (I'm in law school)
- cook
- workout
- read or write a bit (I'm really into literature)

To have time for all this I registered from all social networks (tinder, instagram, snapchat, facebook) and try to focus only on the present.

Maybe some of you are interested in my journey, I'll try to keep this post updated 
Always remember that if we stick together, we all can become a better version of ourselves, so go out and fight even in the hard times!

Greetings from europe! 

PS: If someone has a question regarding fitness/nutrition you can write me a message and I try to answer it as quick as possible, I'm not a certified trainer, but i have gathered big knowledge concerning this topic over the past few years 

Hey TylerDurden08, just wanted to offer my support. I tried a reboot back in August after I noticed I was having problems that were pretty obviously related to porn. (Immediate flatline right after PMO session. Still didn't want to believe it.)

It failed though, and I believe it was because I didn't have the support of a network like Reboot Nation. Seriously I was where you were at the beginning. I was an emotional train wreck. I didn't realize how much I depended on PMO for stress relief. I passed up on a lot of great relationships over the years, and a most recent relationship was put on the rocks because after I relapsed I couldn't achieve an erection for sex and I really don't have a firm foundation for a relationship to begin with.

I got to say be glad you are starting a 19. I wish I would have! Hell months ago would have been great too!

I'm also trying to quit smoking and I am on the last of my last pack. Smoking can kill your blood flow to small capillaries and wrecks you neurology making boners much harder to achieve so we have another thing going against us.

Also trying to motivate myself to go to the gym and start lifting. If you have any tips that would be great.

Anyway good luck brother. We are going to make it. We just need time and someone to help us rewire down the road when we get a little better.

Hi MagicStick! I'm glad you are joining me 

So first to say regarding fitness: There is no magic food/pill/exercise that will transform you into Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1 Month.
Don't believe when you see something like that on the internet it's just bullshit.
Basically your most important weapons are the same as in fighting PIED Willpower and Knowledge. Training your body should be a never ending marathon and not a sprint. You have to hit the gym consistently over a long period of time to see some progress and this might be frustrating at the beginning, but believe me when I say it is definitely worth it! As it becomes a habit you don't want to miss it anymore in your life, because it helps you gaining more confidence and consequence, that you can use in so many areas in life.

Nutrition:
If you are skinny and you want to gain muscles you need a surplus of calories considered your daily requirement composed of proteins and carbs. (you should eat 1,5g-2g proteins per kg bodyweight) You will reach that by eating many carbs, because they contain many calories. If this is your case I would not recommend you to make cardio, because that will burn calories you'll need.

If you are overweight and you want to gain muscles while burning fat, you need a balanced ratio of calories considered your daily requirements, on days when you are lifting weights and a deficit on days, when making cardio. You will reach that by eating less carbs and more proteins.

Exercise: If you are a beginner start with light weights and try to completely control the motion sequence of the exercise you do. If a personal trainer could coach you at the beginning that would be great, because it decreases the risk of getting injured if you do the motion sequence right, when you will be lifting heavy weights later. I would recommend to do 20 reps per 3 sets, when you are learning a new exercise.
Later you can reduce the reps to 9-12, this will trigger the ideal stimulus for your muscles.

I hope I could help you with my answer, It's a bit hard for me, because english is not my native language, but if anything should still be unclear just ask me! 

Yours Tyler

Day 8:

At this point I'd like to mention that i saw my last porn back in december the first, I hope this will boost my reboot a little bit.
Yesterday when i l was lying in bed i thought of my ex-girlfriend again and all of the good memories i shared with her and could share now with her if we would still be together and all of a sudden I started to cry. This is weird cause I actually can't even remember, when I cried the last time indeed I was very sad, but i felt a little better afterwards and it was interesting to have some real emotions after this long time.

So as you can see I'm still on an emotional rollercoaster, my mood changes during the day pretty often and I'm glad when this will stop. My libido is still very low and at this point it's pretty unimaginably that anything on this world could arouse me sexually.

Tyler

Day 11:

In 20 days I will write the most important exam in my university career so far. My studies are going pretty well, although I'm not completely satisfied with my learn progress so far, because I think I could have done more.
I hit the gym good last week, but didn't read or write and stopped to meditate, which really annoys me, because I really enjoyed those things, but everytime I start my mind drifts away and I think of girls especially my ex-girlfriend (in an emotional way) or worry about my ED problem.

I didn't have a bit of an erection the last days, what scares my, since even with ED I mostly had morning wood. I still am absolutely not interested to fap or watch porn, the only thing when I get aroused is when thinking of some sexual experiences I had, but my penis doesn't react to it. (Is this harmful for my reboot process btw?)

Started to ask me again If it might be organic problems that causes my ED (got my urologist appointnment in march), but this wouldn't explain my non existing libido.

This week I will try to have more self-discipline and start to meditate and write/read again.

Tyler

Day 12:

Sexually nothing has changed the reason I write this post is, because I'm reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" at the moment. It is a book that makes guys who always try to gratify everybody learn to say no and become more self-confident and in chapter 2 it invites you to write about how your family implied you that it isn't ok for you to be who you are and then share it with a safe person, I decided to make you guys my safe person.

I'm not quite sure if that is fair towards parents, because I consider them as great persons, but sometimes they might have sent me unconsciously messages that made me feel bad about myself especially my dad.
I'm really different to him and to be honest I never feel like a real "man" in his presence. He is a pretty tall (6,2 feet) and I'm not the biggest (5,8 feet) and is interested in masculine hobbies making handcrafts for example, things that I will never be able to do, because I'm really untalented at this kind of stuff. I'm more the creative kind of guy I like to improve my language (german) consistently, read good books and write creative texts (poems, short stories).
Although I get good marks on my exams at the university (law school), I feel that I never will achieve to really please him, since I don't study something like mathematics or physics, which he would do (I'm shit as such things aswell) and I also think, that he doesn't see anything of him in me..

Writing this down makes me sad, because I now realized that I will never have this real bound some sons have to their father, but hopefully this book makes me accept myself and learn to handle that.

Hi Tyler,
Just saying congratulations on your progress so far.  I benefit from reading yr posts.  The symptoms you're feeling, lack of libido, no interest, mood swings, are all classic reactions when the brain comes off of P.  It's highly unlikely at your age that there's an organic cause of ED.  It is highly likely that the loss of libido is a stage in your recovery.  Read up, if you have not already, on what Gabe Deem experienced in his early 20's when he gave up P.
Alles Gute
Scott

Guten Tag MadScott thank you very much for your answer 

Yeah I've already read big parts of YBOP it really helps me to get through this!

The reason why I'm not sure about if it's really PIED is, because I always watched pretty normal porn (mostly amateur) and never really got into fetishes. I also watched porn never more than twice a day, is this really enough to cause a PIED?
I would really appreciate it if you or someone else could answer this question.

short update: I looked at an online advertisement for Thai Massages for about 3 minutes, became a semi-errection and pretty turned on, but now I feel bad about it, didn't PMO though, which is good. I've read much yesterday, but at this moment I find it hard to concentrate, especially when I have to learn.

Hi Ty, I am not an expert in how P rewires the brain.  I do know that it's possible to get hooked based on some pretty normal stuff.  Like you, I never got into fetishes etc.  I like beautiful couples making love.  But because it was all virtual stuff, it affects yr performance in the real world.
Twice a day is plenty of time to get PIED....
Anyway just my thoughts...Will take you up on the offer of working out advice soon man

Thanks for the Answer Scott 
That might sound stupid now, but I hope I'm suffering of PIED, because this disease is under my control and that wouldn't be the case  if I would have organic problems.
Sure! Hook me up anytime I'll try to help you as quick as possible!

Day 13:

I've done everything I wanted to do today, my brain fog disappeared after I meditated and then I could learn very good. Being a bit proud of me right now and I hope i can keep this productive behavior going.

Here is a little advice for me that will help you reach your goals: This maybe sounds stupid, but let the first thing you do in the morning be writing a To-Do list. If you visualize your tasks that you have to do, they become more real and settle down in your subconscious. It will give your day a good structure and last but not least it's just awesome to make ticks on a To-Do list at the end of the day 

Tyler

2 weeks!:

This is the longest I've not PMO, since about 2 years ago and today out of nowhere my flatline abruptly disappeared. I got really horny while I was studying in the library and was thinking about a girl I once had sex with and got a 60% erection just by thoughts! This is awesome! My libido is finally back and i feel this tingle all of the time.

Unfortunately this kept me distracted of learning efficiently today, but I am still determined to turn my life around!
We will do this!

Tylor

Tyler, you are doing great.  Your sexual desire will come back but I don't think it will be at all once like a switch turning on.  You may have occasional flatline days but don't get discouraged.  When it comes to your dick, there will be ups and downs (bad pun).  But the desire is a great sign of progress.  When you're on the other side of this entirely, your libido will be on steroids....

Day 17:

Just when I thought my libido decreases again it hit me really hard and I lost control of myself and masturbated by sexual fantasies. 
I feel bad about it, but I have decided that, if I don't have a real relapse the next week I won't reset my counter, because I think I've already made great progress and that it can't be all gone now after on fap. Emotionally I don't feel very different at the moment.

Tyler

Don't get discouraged.  You're doing great and you can see the progress yourself.  Fantasies by themselves are not a problem.  You're trying to get yr dick working again, and being off P is the answer there.  So keep that in mind.
Scott

Hello bro.
Stay strong, you've already done so much up to this point. I'm sure you'll be able to keep going. I'm sure your ex-girlfriend was great but I can ensure you, you'll find someone else as awesome in the future. Look forward, once you've dealt with all of you're going through right now, you'll be awesome and eventually you'll find another awesome person that compliments you.

When I started rebooting and opened my journal here and everything, it wasn't on my plans to change anything else but PMO. But one thing lead to another, I first started running again a lot to control myself and avoid MO. And then once I went back to my place after the holidays I started changing what I eat and drink too. Now I wake up early every day and go running. The last thing has been retaking yoga which helps me a lot to reduce stress. And have many great plans for the next weeks once I have some more time. So yeah it seams quite crazy to think that one month ago I had no clue what PIED meant.

Have a great day, from Europe too.
Juan

Thanks for the inspiring words guys, it really encourages me to go on even if things are not that easy at this point. Keep doing Yoga juan! I think it is one of the most healthiest ways to train your body and also your mindset it's such a great sport, maybe I will also start doing it again, as it can be really beneficial for your workouts.

Day 20:

It was 3 days ago when I last fapped. In this 3 days I wasn't achieving anything. My motivation really decreased and I hope it will get better soon, also my libido is back to zero and I don't get spontaneous erections anymore, so I think I'm in flatline again :/
Mentally I'm rather sad today, because of my lack of motivation and an event that happened on Saturday. I was on the prom of my little cousin and got really really drunk with some of my friends. Later we have been to a night club and when I went to the toilet 3 idiots were provoking me. Normally I'm not the guy to get upset, because of something like that, but for a matter of fact I totally lost control of myself and we started to fight. One of them teared my shirt and the other one was spilling beer on my hair, while I was fighting with the other 2 guys. It ended, when the waiter and some of my friends came and all this was happening in front of a girl I wanted to ask out since 1 month, so she probably thinks now I'm a complete douche.

It's just hard at the moment, as it feels like I don't recognize myself anymore, being sad so often and starting fights. I never thought this would be so hard..

Day 21:

Yesterday before I went to sleep I had some kind of mental breakdown, but I wrote a poem about it and now I'm feeling slightly better. Haven't been very productive today and still there is no libido...

Day 23:

Became hardcore sick yesterday, but still managed somehow to learn a bit today, feel like shit and have a bad headache. Since my last relapse there is still no sexual desire

Hang in there man...No libido is a help to you at this stage, not a problem to be solved.  When you fixed the PIED, the libido will be there.  It's only yr fucked up brain that has no desire.  When you get your normal brain back, sexual desire will not be a problem.

Day 25:

Because I was sick the last few days I couldn't learn the amounts I would need to get a good grade on the oncoming exam, I will try to hang my ass in there to still get a great score, there is one week to go and an awful lot to do. This will probably be one of the hardest weeks in the aspect of learning I've ever been in, but I try to stay positive.

Maybe anyone of you has tips to learn by note as fast as possible and to concentrate better?

Sexually not much has changed maybe a slight increased libido, but that could also be imagination.

Looking forward to hear of you guys!

Tyler