Author Topic: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn  (Read 17620 times)

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #125 on: June 19, 2017, 08:41:08 AM »
My brain is the strongest organ of my being. If I am able to control my thoughts, my life can be happier in an instant. Years of conditioning has made me more of a victim than an owner of my situation. Owning my being gives me power to do something about it, helps me take control of my life, moves me to act in my own best interest, spurrs me on to dream once more and reach for the stars. PMO is such a small insignificant glitch in the bigger scheme of my life. 

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #126 on: June 20, 2017, 09:21:19 AM »
Had a session with my coach tonight. We spoke about how he tells his wife he's not interested in having sex with her. Instead, he tells her that he wants to make love to her. I like that. I like having a connection with the person I'm intimate with. Too much porn changes my way of thinking about sex. It then becomes just some mechanical action without a deeper connexion which is what I'm after. I can watch how many tubes I want, it will never nurture that deeper connexion which I'm after. It never makes me happy after it's done.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #127 on: June 21, 2017, 06:00:31 PM »
The tracker is ticking over at regular intervals. The week has been fine so far. No urges for P or M. In my case it helps to use my free time away from social media or if I do make use of it, using it to educate myself, contribute or enjoy subjects that interest me such as motivational tubes, learning about real estate investing or watching music related stuff. Then also, I've started reading a lot more than before, especially replacing my tablet or mobile before bedtime with a good book. That's what I've been doing to have more significance in my life. The other thing is keeping a daily journal and also posting on here, to keep track of my progress.
Take care everybody and good luck with the challenges you have to deal with.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #128 on: June 25, 2017, 08:13:38 AM »
PMO free for a week. Yay!

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #129 on: June 26, 2017, 09:51:26 AM »
Bombarding my brain with a lot of motivational and soulful stuff. Hundreds of youtube videos available. Part of my morning ritual is to read, write in my journal and take a few minutes to meditate. Also started doing pushups and situps in the morning. Getting up earlier to start on a good note. It helps. Looking forward to being intimate with a real person. Just letting go and letting God at the moment. Actually learning what that means cause I don't really have a clue. So used to taking action, or doing something. Like the saying: 'Don't just sith there, do something' Well, try and reverse this: 'Don't just do something, sit there.' You'll be amazed at what insights come to you when you do nothing. It's so difficult these days to do nothing. We get so easily bored of doing nothing

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #130 on: June 29, 2017, 09:02:52 AM »
I'm not far from 2 weeks no PMO or even sex. I feel like a monk, or a good priest :-) I am told that life is all about the inner game, how one is able to control your emotions and thoughts. How to be the master of your mind. Heard that so many times before. It's much easier said than done I find. However, my intention is to keep on working at my inner world because I believe that it's there that the battles are won.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #131 on: June 30, 2017, 10:09:51 AM »
I'm proud. Today marks two weeks. I've travelled the road before. I will do it again.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #132 on: July 02, 2017, 05:34:09 PM »
I made it past halfway to my goal. Weekends are always the most challenging. I made it through the weekend. Still feel like a monk.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #133 on: July 14, 2017, 06:57:51 PM »
Two days to go and I will reach my goal. It has been 90% easy. Done it before and decided I 'll do it again. It helps to pay attention to my inner world and become a better person. Anything, literally anything, can be an addiction. It's a way for me to escape the inadequacies within myself. But I'm ever learning to love myself and accept myself the way I am. I am enough. No need for something else to enhance my happiness. The answers and happiness are all within me.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #134 on: July 17, 2017, 07:45:06 AM »
I did it. Now I'm already halfway to my 60 day goal.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #135 on: July 25, 2017, 08:49:18 AM »
Hi everyone. Checking in to say that I'm being a good boy. No urges to PMO. Single man living a celibate life. Feel like a monk or priest at the moment. Expecting to meet someone loving and caring with whom I'll make lots of love :-) I'm totally hands off at the moment. No M and even no sex since June16.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #136 on: July 28, 2017, 01:03:07 PM »
It is Friday night. Actually, it's already Saturday morning, 1:40am. I'm just back from a gay bar/club where I hanged out with some friends and had a few drinks. Weekends are usually the worst for me. Weekdays are ok, because work keeps me busy and when I eventually get home, I'm soon ready for bed and fall asleep right away. No time for thoughts of P and M or O. But weekend nights are different. It's easier to feel lonely and the temptation to turn to P and M and O to alleviate the pain of loneliness is bigger.
Well, tonight was one of those nights. Alcohol tends to weaken my resistance and makes it easier to backslide. It would be easy tonight to fall back into PMO after I've been at a club where I saw many hot guys and where so many things contributed to my senses. Usually I go to these kind of events, hungry, not for meaningful connections, but for sex to soothe the urge or satisfy my basic human need. Sometimes I've mistaken sex to be the substitue for meaning and significance. Truth is, I've discovered that sex doesn't heal a broken inside. It's the inside world that needs healing.
I decided to break with casual sex or hookups, because it leads me down the same road I've trodden before. The road that doesn't meet my innermost needs. I'm trying to walk down a different street. I'm focused on healing myself and my inner workd. I believe that once my inner world is more healthy and ready, a suitable partner/love will appear. As they say in the philosophy of the East: When the student is ready the master will appear.
So, I left the club early, and fought back the desire to hookup with someone for an unsignificant one night stand. However, the feeling of sadness and the longing for someone special is still there. However, I know that PMO will not be a replacement for what I really want. And giving in to that, will also add more miles to the journey. So, as I'm about to fall asleep, I write this as a reminder to myself and maybe also with the hope that what I'm writing will resonate with someone out there reading this note.
Take care you all. And God bless. No PMO for me tonight.

Jimbodel

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #137 on: July 28, 2017, 03:36:58 PM »
HI Horpio;  Sounds like you had a real test on Saturday night, but you met the challenge and overcame it, well done you!  I think casual sex is just another form of porn really; instead of watching and fantasizing you actually take part in the act, sort of like role playing.  Being bored is the tough part for sure, it makes you dig into your brain and think up all the stuff you don't want to think of which leads to, well you know.

Keep up the fight bro, and congratulations on meeting your goals! ;D

TakeActionNow

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #138 on: July 28, 2017, 09:15:11 PM »
Horpio,

you are on the right track.
I'm glad that you are also seeing things clearly.
Learn to love and respect yourself first
see clearly what is most important to you.

Keep in mind what is most important to you, and you will not stray, and you will reach there, and you will be complete.
Purpose before Person

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #139 on: July 29, 2017, 03:01:21 AM »
Thank you guys for the support. It is nice to get some affirmation. Sometimes I think I'm a real prude, especially when I listen to friends and observe what happens in my community. But I don't want to replace porn with hookups, I know that neither of those paths will lead to a stable loving relationship. I think I've seen the holes in the street many times, fell in them many times as well. Now I've chosen to walk down a new street.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #140 on: August 25, 2017, 10:41:06 PM »
It's been 70 days without any P, M or O. No sex, no mutual M or anything. Celibate in the true sense of the word for 70 days. Not even emissions in my sleep that I'm aware of. I feel like I want to explode. These 'explosive' feelings were stirred up when I got bamboozled by a hot young straight guy with extremely good looks and charm and gentle personality. Of course, as so many times before with straight guys, no interest from his side in anything more than just a friendly chat at a bar. Even though the chat happened more than once I am fully aware that he is not interested in a way I'd wish him to be. But yes, he put my head in a spin. A classic case of unrequitted love.
I observe that this whole experience triggered a bigger need for O and also a feeling sorry for myself which is also a good breeding ground for relapsing into PMO or just MO.
Just staying strong at the moment, and sticking to my guns. Writing about it helps to get it out of my system.

horpio

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #141 on: August 31, 2017, 11:08:29 AM »
Hanging on for dear life not to engage in silly meaningless hookups which would just be the same as PMO. It would be the same in the sense that I would use something that is a quick fix to replace feelings of loneliness, self pity, despondency and dispiritedness. But it would only last for a very short while, till morning comes.

lyon03

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Re: Changing my life after 20 odd years of porn
« Reply #142 on: September 08, 2017, 10:03:02 AM »
Hey Horpio. Just checking in my friend. It's been a long time between drinks brother. How are you doing? I look forward to your next post brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.