Author Topic: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)  (Read 278 times)

dawaheed

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Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« on: July 17, 2017, 03:40:29 AM »
I am posting this in the 40 and above because I feel I might get some experiences from my age group since I am 39 so pretty much 40.

Hi -- My name is David.

Excuse the subject line of this journal, but that is really the thing that comes to mind that makes me feel motivated. I feel like this porn addiction has brought me to the doors of death. I am losing my marriage, I am losing my career, and I am losing myself. Porn is really destroying everything that is me or was me.

I use porn as a coping mechanism. Depression, stress, confrontation, family problems, work --- its porn that I escape to.

It was always a problem -- I am now 39 and I can remember even in college when I was 22 where I basically failed a final exam because I was masturbating to porn. Years of loneliness in college and after college, living alone until I was 30 only added and escalated my dependency.

At age 30 I got married, and I could not have proper sex with my wife for the first 1-2 weeks. It took some tries and never really satisfying. Porn was always a problem and always a preference to her. I look back at those days and feel disgust at what I put my wife through. And yet she stuck with me all these years and knows I have a problem.

I tried and failed more times than I can count. It has a grip on me.

But the problem became way worst about 2 years ago when I had a falling with my father and family, and he basically discarded me. We have not spoken for more than 2 years. This is when I really started getting anxiety problems, fights within myself, depression, and basically a mess. If you know what Narcissistic Abuse is, then you might understand. My father made me the black sheep of the family and I got discarded --- and now I am doing no-contact...

So porn became a major escape the past 2 years. To the point that I am on the verge of losing my job if I don't shape up, and my wife and I are technically separated.

I can't believe the state I have reached now that I am typing it out. Wow. I knew all this, but putting it into writing just made me realize it.

In any case. I tried to hit it hard last year and had a successful streak. More successful than any I had, so don't laugh when I say my highest streak was 21 days. In those 21 days I felt like a changed man! Even my wife saw a change in sex ---  she was screaming "I hate you" during the sex because it was so good and she was missing out on it all these years of our marriage.

But I fell back into it. I don't know why -- but since then I had some therapy sessions and I think I got a few things out of my system. The abuse from my father over the years and the demeaning and undervaluing he did to me. I am getting more confident and I am feeling that I am worth it -- anyways, this is all some things left from being a narcissist's victim.

Sorry --- I am ranting.

TLDR: I am 39 and I have tried and tried over the years. But I am more determined this time -- I feel it. I know its different. I will change and beat this!

This is only day 2 so far. I have gone about 8 the past 2 months, but never felt that I was as into it as I am now. I can't explain it, but I really feel that this is IT -- and I hope it is. I had a nofap app and day counter for about 4 months now, so I know the pattern I had was horrible. But I also know that throughout, I did not feel this strong.


Ok. Enough for a first post.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 06:14:59 AM »
Hi and welcome Dawaheed. No need to apologise for the "rant" -hopefully this forum is a place where you can let go and say what you need to say. Besides, all you said was perfectly valid stuff.

You obviously have a very clear awareness of the harm that your porn use has done to yourself and your partner, and also of how good it feels to be free of it -even for a relatively short time.

Every day we remain free and every urge we resist is a triumph.

Also I get what you say about your fathers treatment of you -this too is my experience in my life.
The anxiety and depression and the self hatred drive us towards porn, they are intensified by our porn use and then in turn that creates an even stronger urge....its a vicious cycle which we can get caught in, don't you reckon?

I am approaching about a month porn free now after many relapses in the past. Important to keep going and when we relapse to forgive ourselves and get ourselves  back on track.

Well done for getting back on the case and good luck with your reboot

TakeActionNow

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2017, 07:46:52 AM »
Hi Dawaheed,
you are doing the best for yourself.
Stay focused on the goal and benefit.
Every night, find the time to give thanks for this life and the good effort you have made to stay PMO free.

Effort makes things worthwhile, and the rewards from being PMO free are tremendous:
* no more mind fog
* clear and decisive nature
* confidence and certainty
* involved and engaged

Find excellent alternatives to PMO so you have options when urges hit you
identify your inner critic early before depression takes hold of you
identify positive personalities and stay close to them
give gratitude for every little thing every day

We are all here for you
Purpose before Person

js2004

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2017, 07:47:30 AM »
I'm 44 with a family and I second everything STP and TAN said above. This is a great resource and keeping a journal is a really good start. Try not to focus on the negative right now. Try to focus on making it through a day at a time. I can assure you that the temptations do get easier with time. They don't go away but they become easier to manage. Also, try to find other support, SA meetings or SA phone calls. They are really very helpful in maintaining your reboot/recovery.  Try to stay focused on what's important in your life and don't allow P&M to take it away anymore than it already has.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

dawaheed

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2017, 06:49:27 AM »
Thank you guys. I am going well so far, but I am actually here because I am feeling particularly dizzy right now. I caught myself reaching for 'sexy' pictures that are not 'porn' a few times today. Its like a second where I am just a passenger in my head. The dizziness is making me sick.

So I decided to type a reply and see if I can get rid of this light-headed-ness.

Yes, I am feeling very anxious right now. I have a special event tonight that I am extremely nervous about. I want it to go well. But I still have 4-5 hours until it happens. So I am just stuck with the feeling. ... tired anticipation. Don't get me wrong. I am really looking FORWARD to tonight. Its a good thing. But just so nervous. And I don't know how to deal with the nervousness.

So let me write something.
Day 4 complete. Yay. But still need to get going. I am amazed at how people have day 4 as if it is nothing. For me its making me short of breath. But again, today is not just day 4, its the anticipation of the event at night that is driving me crazy.

I am also fixing my food intake. I have been exercising for the past couple of months (since Feb) at least 3 times a week and got into much better shape. Now I am targeting my food and have a set diet/meal plan of about 1800-2000 calories daily. I feel good about myself and happy about my progress.

I guess I am not making it too clear. My real start (for this year) of nofap was on 3rd of March. I said I will do nofap and stay away from porn. And I have had many relapses. I got 2-3 days in most of the time. I had one streak of 5 days and an other of 8, but that was because I had a long week off with my kids.
And I had an other 'restart' at nofap about 44 days ago in which I had 20 relapses... not good and very half-assed, I know.

But that is why I am feeling this is different. I had this going on for a while now. And I know this one is different. I feel the fight in me. I am not relapsing for anything this time. At all. This dizziness I am feeling is something I have not felt at all since I tried on March 3rd. I did not get to this level of resisting and fight, and I am still not giving in.


Strikeatruepath

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2017, 07:10:22 AM »

Far as I can tell, everyones level of withdrawal symptoms and urges to use vary in their intensity, duration and time that they are experienced along the way. I'm ok at first, but the urges intensify at the 1 month stage.

Beware of those sexy pictures that aren't porn -they are likely to lead you straight back to where you don't want to be! I speak from  experience here. This is how I relapsed the last two times -not instantly but after a short while. Would you choose to stick your head in the doorway of a bar and inhale the aroma of alcohol if you were a recovering alcoholic? Stay away from those pictures if I were you.

You are doing really well -keep going!

dawaheed

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2017, 10:13:32 AM »
Thank you Strikeatruepath

Can I ask you a question. Is your 1 month craving without sex at all? PMO for a month and no sex?

Because I am thinking that I have to get an outlet somehow. And I think I want that outlet to be having sex with my wife, if I can.

Thoughts/ Advice?

js2004

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2017, 10:33:56 AM »
I have some comments on that for you but nothing I want to post on here - out respect for my wife. I am married so I know exactly where you are coming from. Message me and I'll share my thoughts and we can chat further.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

TakeActionNow

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2017, 07:05:29 AM »
Thank you JS for showing the respect for your wife. I admire that deeply.

For a single guy, I think porn when not driven by escaping/coping is really a reflection of my natural human need for female intimacy and companionship.

Unless I am gay or asexual, I dont believe being attracted to attractive females is inherently wrong. What is wrong is how i approach this basic human need.

So instead of going out to find real woman to interact with, I am instead choosing to stay in a room and search the internet for pictures of woman who will never ever know me. This is wrong and stupid. Like online gambling, I have fallen prey and become a slave to the MEN (and some women) who posted these material and have used my weaknesses and bait me for money and attention.

I dont think sex with a woman is wrong.
I just think most importantly that it is done WITH her, meaning mind/body and soul.
If we are having sex with one person but thinking of another, we are therefore not sincere and only using her body as a tool.
Our minds will know the difference and still point out the problem.

I believe what each member of this forum is seeking for is a honest and sincere relationship with the present and reality.

« Last Edit: July 20, 2017, 07:07:14 AM by TakeActionNow »
Purpose before Person

js2004

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2017, 12:00:10 PM »
TAN that's a great point, we are seeking with the present and reality. I think you nailed it. I was never present with any of my real relationships when I was viewing P and certainly not in reality with anything I did that was sexual.  We are definitely not going to find that on the internet and P will never truely satisfy us.
We can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2017, 01:09:09 PM »
In answer to your question Dawaheed, the urges to use porn that come in after a month don't seem to depend on how much sex I have with my partner. Sometimes the urge to use comes because there is no life in my dick and I'm tempted to try and create some by looking at the porn. I find Dead Dick Syndrome difficult to deal with, its like part of my being is missing and I worry that it may not come back...
Other times its because I haven't brought anything new into my life to bring meaning and purpose in order to fill the hole that porn used to occupy (or cover up) in my life.

Coffeenut

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Re: Pheonix Rebirth (39 but posting here)
« Reply #11 on: July 24, 2017, 01:18:45 AM »
You guys need to know that just reading your posts is helping me. People that understand properly what is going on, I've never experienced this before.