Author Topic: My Story and The Beginning  (Read 552 times)

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2017, 09:40:24 AM »
Mid Morning Thoughts - Day 26

Not really much going on mentally today. No real thoughts or PM. I did have to watch my eyes though this morning as they are some very nicely dressed females in the office today. Just need to remember the first look is on God and the rest is on me. I just don't need my imagination running wild today. Need to stay focused on what's important and remember that PM lead me down a bad path and not one that I want to be on anymore. Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2017, 07:47:42 PM »
Evening Thoughts - Day 27

Stress is a killer for me and I'm feeling it right now. Parenthood is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever have to do.  It's like walking through the darkest tunnel where it is totally pitch black and you don't have a flashlight.  A total shot in the dark.  Still free of PM so that's good but need to stay focused on what's important, my SO and my kids.  Everything else is just a distraction.  So many of the posts on this forum are concerned with ED and performance.  I just want to make it through the day without losing my family, F the other stuff.  I'm not knocking the Reboot because I needed it, but man my SO and kids are far more important than how my manhood is working.  As for my performance, WTF, I'm in my forties, whether I looked at P all my life or not, my body just isn't the same.  My hips hurt, my knees are stiff and my right foot kills when I go for a run.  I'm just not the same person physically and the fact the my performance lasts for half the time it used to is a simple part of life.  Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2017, 07:14:02 AM »
Morning Thoughts - Day 28

Feeling bla, tough nite with the kids and fam but still staying away from P. Need to make sure I keep my spirits up and focus on the positives in my life instead of the negatives.  Not that I am totally depressed, I just need to keep things positive and not dwell on the things I can't change.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #28 on: July 07, 2017, 04:41:24 AM »
keep going js! you are doing really well in tough and stressful times. Your partner and family obviously mean the world to you. How do you manage the stress I wonder? Do you have ways to unwind, healthy things to enjoy? I'm not a father, but I can imagine just how stressful it could be at times with all the pressure and demands on your time and energy -willingly given but still taking its toll. Time out is a must, I would think.
I can relate to the aching body, I had a foot problem 'plantar fasciitis' which stopped me walking any real distance for over a year -this after doing 10miles+ in the countryside a couple of times a week -and I have early onset arthritis in wrists so no cycling either. Swimming is ok to do though -I think we have to adapt the exercise to what we can and cant do.
 

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #29 on: July 07, 2017, 10:46:45 AM »
Strikeatruepath - thanks for the feedback. I am gearing up for my first 5k on Monday so I am hoping the training becomes a good outlet for me. Since I started my first reboot back in Oct of 2016 I have put on about 20lbs of extra weight and frankly it is just damn time for me to get rid of it.  Raising kids is extremely stressful but I have to deal with it and P&M can't can't be an option anymore.

Day 30 free of the stuff today so feeling really good about things and where I am at right now. Thanks for reading.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #30 on: July 09, 2017, 10:58:39 AM »
Good to hear you are feeling so positive now the porn is 30 days behind you. seems the highs and lows can be intense and frequent in the early days (that's my experience at least)

My exercise is 30+ mins of brisk walking these days, at a rate fast enough to be just getting out of breath. May not seem like much but it does the job for me and makes me feel good. I'm hoping to do some long, whole day walks again soon. For the last couple of weeks I have been on a diet where I avoid sugar and alcohol completely and eat very little fat. Ive been losing weight and feeling light and healthy and energetic. Also more clear headed.

My ways of relaxing are walking, meditation, drawing and painting, and playing musical instruments. As well as working off stress by exercising I find its good to have something I enjoy which engages me so much that I lose myself in it.

Good luck with the 5K tomorrow then, js!

MonkeyShark

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #31 on: July 09, 2017, 12:28:26 PM »
Great going js, sounds like you're working it, that's great. I think exercise helps, but I've found personally it can make me feel horny after sometime, which makes sense. Maybe it's the same or different for you, just awareness is key. I think you've got that in hand.

Yes, I can imagine how you'd feel being rejected, that's tough and I know it hurts.

Keep it up, you've got some great insights.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #32 on: July 09, 2017, 03:31:09 PM »
Afternoon Thoughts - Day 32

Thanks for the support.  Yesterday was a pretty good day as I spent some much needed time alone with the SO at a great dinner. Still P&M free today and plan on staying that way.   Keeping myself focused on what's important and enjoying the nice weather.  Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #33 on: July 10, 2017, 02:08:41 PM »
Afternoon Thoughts - Day 33

Good day today. I feel good, got up and walked/ran, basically began training for a 5k on Thanksgiving morning. My entire body aches, but oh well. Anything to help deal with my emotions and keep me P&M free is a good thing. Trying to make sure I am checking in here daily and posting anything, no matter what it is.  Anyways, thanks for reading. 

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #34 on: July 11, 2017, 12:09:11 PM »
Lunchtime Thoughts - Day 34

Overall a good day. Was on an SA call this morning that was an eye opener for me, lots of good sharing and I could really relate to a few of the folks on the call. Made me realize that we are all going through some of the very same things when it comes to this disease.  I'm grateful for an SO that is supportive and has faith in me. Many of us are not as fortunate and famlies/lives have been ruined.  I am still P&M free and plan to stay that way for the rest of the day  :)  Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #35 on: July 11, 2017, 07:41:10 PM »
Bedtime Thoughts - 34

I'm beat and my legs are sore. Still P&M free and plan on staying that way for the remainder of the day. Taking the day off form running and jumping on the bike tomorrow. Exercising again is definitely helping me deal with stress. So glad to be focused on my health again. Anyways I'm beat and heading to bed.

TakeActionNow

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #36 on: July 12, 2017, 10:28:13 AM »
JS,
you are very positive, disciplined and determined.
I really like that you keep yourself in check by checking in a few times a day.
And always ending off with thanks for reading, that's really gracious.

You've set a good example.
Thanks for showing the way.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #37 on: July 12, 2017, 01:53:34 PM »
Afternoon Thoughts - Day 35

Thanks Takeactionnow.  Coming here and posting whatever is on my mind is very therapeutic for me. It helps keep me in check.  The other thing is finding something constructive to focus/work towards. 

Not much else going on, busy at work and it's hot as hell out right now. Otherwise still P&M free and planning on staying that way the rest of the day.  Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #38 on: July 14, 2017, 08:46:43 AM »
Morning Thoughts - Day 37

I feel like my libido is gone. Not really sure why but not really dwelling on it for right now. Not interested in P&M or sex with my SO. Finally lost some weight so I feel good about that.  Had a good session with the therapist yesterday and have some thinking to do and then some opening up with the SO. All good stuff though.

Been reading through some of these forums again and just blown away by the effects of P and how people are dealing with it. I can tell you for myself the most important thing in my reboot/recovery is my family. I love them to much to end up in divorce. I absolutely must stay clear of P. I can't allow this garbage to ruin my life.  Way to many things to look forward to.  Im not worrying about my performance and what not. I'm just trying to make sure I have a family to come home to every night.

Sorry for the rant, I just need to remind myself what's important and what is at stake. Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #39 on: July 14, 2017, 06:44:59 PM »
Evening Thoughts - Day 37

Not much going on, sitting here reading the forum grateful it is Friday. Long week from a work standpoint. No real temptations this week.  Had to watch my wondering eye, though for the most part even that was at a minimum.  Getting up tomorrow and riding my bike to get some weekend exercise. Other than that not much else to say. Thanks for reading.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #40 on: July 15, 2017, 07:10:15 AM »
Hello, js. Like you, I have very low (in fact fairly non existent for me) libido this lately and my response to that is the same: to not allow myself to get stressed or dwell on it. Seems it comes with porn withdrawal and is a (hopefully) short term price we have to pay in order to free ourselves. I am trusting that things will get better in time. Luckily my girlfriend has quite a low sex drive herself at the moment -I am so lucky it coincides with mine.
Good to read your journal, I specially like the way you have got your priorities so well sorted. Its clear how you value your family so much and how powerful an incentive this is to keep on track with your recovery

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #41 on: July 16, 2017, 03:35:07 PM »
Late Afternoon Thoughts - Day 39

Thanks STP.  My libido has wained a tad but I feel good about things. The temptations are much easier to deal with now than they were a few weeks back.  Generally speaking I am definitely glad I am getting my head out of my ass when it comes to P&M.  I do feel good about where I am at.  My head is certainly much clearer and that in and of itself is a good thing. Thanks for reading.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2017, 07:47:17 PM by js2004 »

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #42 on: July 17, 2017, 07:29:19 AM »
Morning Thoughts – Day 40
 
Still P&M free although yesterday was a tough one.  My son can be extremely negative sometimes and it is super stressful for me when he gets that way.  It’s even worse because he is only 9 years old . . . so trying to build his self-esteem before he really has problems is becoming a priority for me.  That’s kind-of where I am at right now.
 
As for P&M I didn’t really think about it much this weekend, was too busy keeping occupied with yard work.  Was a hot for the SO Sat night, a huge win in my mind, although nothing happened it was a good experience because I didn’t really feel rejected . . . second huge win in my mind!  I feel like my libido is coming back slowly and that’s a good thing because I am solely interested in my SO as P&M are really a turn off for me at this point, another huge win in my mind.
 
Lots of good sharing on the SA call this morning.  I really feel like this reboot/recovery is different from my last two attempts.  Not that I didn’t take them seriously but this time around I feel more empowered about staying P&M free.  I am opening up more on my SA calls and really making a connection with my therapist.  I really feel like I am on the right path.  Thanks for reading!       
« Last Edit: July 17, 2017, 11:00:05 AM by js2004 »

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #43 on: July 17, 2017, 08:06:57 PM »
Evening Thoughts - Day 40

A good day, not much else other than that. Still P&M free. 

Strikeatruepath

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #44 on: July 18, 2017, 05:58:09 AM »
Good to hear things are going so well for you at your 40 day mark.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #45 on: July 18, 2017, 09:15:52 AM »
Late Morning Thoughts - Day 41

Thanks STP. I have been thinking that the flatline I think I am in at this point is actually pretty good. It's nice not to be craving P&M or sex 24/7. I was reading a success story on here yesterday and the author talked about how he used to embrace them as they gave him an opportunity to let his mind relax from all of the garbage. It makes total sends to me as well. I do feel like my mind is at rest with all of it like some part of my brain has basically shut down. Anyways just my take on it. Other than that it's good to be free of the shit and I hope to stay that way. Thanks for reading.

js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #46 on: July 18, 2017, 03:09:35 PM »
Afternoon Thoughts - Day 41

What an aweful disease this is. I spent some time reading through the women's journals and the story is the same. It's hard to wrap my head around it sometimes how this thing gripped me for so long and in the end I allowed to be put in harms way and almost lost the things most dear to me.

As side from that I'm feeeling pretty good. I'm ready for the weekend though, sadly it's only Tuesday.  It much else to say, so thanks for reading.

Johnnieknu

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #47 on: July 18, 2017, 06:21:03 PM »
Congrats on making it through day 41.  I'm only with day 2 but find inspiration through you guys.  Thanks for posting regularly as it helps to see the day to day from others.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #48 on: July 19, 2017, 07:27:50 AM »
Hi js Your near miss at losing all that's dear to you was your big wake up call and your very powerful incentive to stay away from the  porn. I'm sure you very much regret things getting to that stage, but the really important and very positive thing is that you have learned from it and chosen to reclaim your life and to be there for the people you love. You found the courage to face the situation and from your posts its obvious that you are absolutely determined.
Another day nearer to that weekend...



js2004

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Re: My Story and The Beginning
« Reply #49 on: July 19, 2017, 10:27:37 AM »
Mid-Morning Thoughts – Day 42
 
Thanks for the support John and STP, that’s really what this forum is about for me.  I try to keep my mind occupied and try not to think about P&M to much during the day.  In fact the thoughts of P&M are getting less and less with each passing day.  My own mental and emotional state right now is pretty sound . . . things are going very well and I feel like this reboot/recovery has a better foundation than my last two attempts.
 
I am traveling for work next week and that was a big time P&M issue for me. I would also search Craigslist to chat.  I am getting a plan in place for the down time in my hotel room and I am seriously considering asking the desk clerk to take my phone from me for the evening.  Anyone have any thought/suggestions I would love to hear them.  Thanks for reading.