Author Topic: Back on the wagon  (Read 2257 times)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #50 on: July 07, 2017, 02:54:58 AM »
Day 30!

Halfway to 60. Right, I can totally do this. I need your help though. Vardan, I really appreciate your encouragement and words. Aquarius - I particularly value your honesty and directness. I think it's really good to call things for what they are and not just rationalise things when we're feeling weak.

I'm trying my absolute best to keep this up. When I get to 60, the target goes to 120. When I get to 120, it goes to 240.
:)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #51 on: July 07, 2017, 07:54:39 AM »
I think you are doing a really great job. It might seem silly that I follow your journal but I find it very inspiring when I read about married men choosing to be more present, honest, and humble toward dealing with this. You are doing something that will change the trajectory of your marriage and family and that is really amazing. As a partner, I find it hopeful and encouraging to know that my husband isn't alone in that thinking. As a mother its also nice to know that there are marriages out there that are dealing with this and not going to allow porn to have an effect on their parenting anymore. Give me hope that my daughter might be able to find a since man some day.

Keep up the good work. One day at a time. Remember the long term view when you have short term struggles. Keep a reminder or memento on you. Whether it just be a stone in your pocket, or a picture in your wallet. Something you can pull out when you are feeling tempted and it can remind you of the reason you are choosing to not follow that rabbit hole.


PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #52 on: July 08, 2017, 01:31:46 PM »
Thank you for your encouragement... It's really appreciated. I'm wondering what a good memento would be. (You'd think that a wedding ring would do the trick but it's easy to get blind to these things!)

I think that those three things are really important:

Being present: not just for my wife and girls but for those around me. I've actually found that I've been much better with other people, clients etc since rebooting. All that energy that was going into random women is now going in to real people. But not in a creepy way: more that I'm able to be more helpful, more humorous, more alert.

Being honest: it's important to think that I may never actually beat this (in the sense that it might be a lifelong battle with temptation). I can beat it today though. And then tomorrow. And then a day at a time. I've fallen foul of thinking that I'd be permanently clean... But sadly I've forged a pattern of behaviour which means I'll always be susceptible to sexual temptation. The daily choice is to resist that temptation and to trust that there's always a way out.

Being humble: I'm sat here on a sofa in the family home when frankly my wife would have been within her rights to have ditched me. It's her grace and forgiveness that has put me here. Likewise, it's by God's grace that my times on chatrooms didn't end in me doing something illegal. It would have been so easy for a 15 year old to pose as an 18 year old. And then I would have a life ruined.

So anyway it's day 31. Praise God.
:)

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #53 on: July 08, 2017, 04:54:19 PM »
hey, I think I will take your three points as a motto for my rebooting :)
Really cool :)
Being present, honest and humble!!!
I also noticed I enjoy my life so much more when I am present at the moment, in what I am doing.
It is an extra effort, since so long we have spent in other reality.

Enjoy your evening,


PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #54 on: July 10, 2017, 03:00:43 AM »
So this is day... 33.

Weekend was good - lots of fun with the family, some time with friends etc. Am back to work now and it's a busy week ahead of me.

I was considering the issue of loneliness last night, as I do feel alone quite a lot of the time. Which is weird when I have such a lovely wife and some decent friends. I guess I've always found it quite difficult to make close male friends - and it's not necessarily that appropriate to have close female friends. Maybe I'll join a club or group or something. Who knows! I think all of these things are connected though.

I had vague urges to relapse over the weekend / this morning but I figure that confessing them will rid them of their power. Onwards we go!
:)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #55 on: July 10, 2017, 09:19:16 AM »
So mementos are funny things. I was talking with my husband about it over the weekend. He said he prefers something that can fit in his pocket but is large enough that he feels it so it is a reminder. Like a large cell phone in your front pocket because its bulky and you can feel it. I prefer things that require action. I have a friend who wears a rubber band on her wrist and when she is trying to break a habit if she does it she snaps is once as a reminder. I have used three small stones and if I catch myself doing whatever habit I am trying to break I have to take a stone out of my pocket and move it to the other side. Having an action attached, for my at least, feel like I have to take accountability. I have to do something for ownership.  A few years back I was working on being more positive with my words. So when all three stones were moved to the other pocket (every time after a negative word was spoken) then I would have to say three positives for every negative.  This could look like every time you catch yourself oogling you move a rock to the other pocket and you think of something you love about your wife. It doesn't seem like a big change but you are slowly retraining your thought process and creating new habits in a small way that doesn't distract from your daily life. That is just my suggestion. Find what works for you.

I think building a good close friendship with other men, ones you can confide in, is a really great idea. Even Christ has close friends. It is necessary for our personal and emotional health. Our culture doesn't make it easy for guys to develop those friendships. Maybe join a bible study men's group or something?

Hoping that everything continues towards healing for you and your family!


malando

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #56 on: July 10, 2017, 09:56:37 AM »
I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!


I'm glad you wrote this comment. Belief in God might make you feel stronger, but make no mistake, this problem is within your own brain, it is a brain adaptation and no higher power can rewire that for you. You simply have to do the work to make your brain rewire and function in a different way. I think this is a pervasive problem I've seen among faith driven addicts - they put too many of their eggs in the basket of their god. At the heart of any change in behaviour and attitude is a personal decision and commitment to change - and then following through with that with real actions and changes. Nobody can be delivered from an addiction, they must work out how to change. Use God to inspire you and draw your strength, but only you can do this.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #57 on: July 10, 2017, 11:00:05 AM »
So this is day... 33.

Weekend was good - lots of fun with the family, some time with friends etc. Am back to work now and it's a busy week ahead of me.

I was considering the issue of loneliness last night, as I do feel alone quite a lot of the time. Which is weird when I have such a lovely wife and some decent friends. I guess I've always found it quite difficult to make close male friends - and it's not necessarily that appropriate to have close female friends. Maybe I'll join a club or group or something. Who knows! I think all of these things are connected though.

I had vague urges to relapse over the weekend / this morning but I figure that confessing them will rid them of their power. Onwards we go!

First of all: Congrats with the 33 days.
My favorite autor Henry Nouwen speaks about loneliness and solitude, as two forms of being or feeling lonely, but they are significantly different. He mentions that we need to look for solitude (which is queit, does not scream/scare, full of peace,etc.) and be aware of loneliness (Which one can feel also among the crowd). There is a "healthy" loneliness, (solitude) where one can be with himself and God in peace, and does not want to run away. I think more we grow in this solitude, less we will feel lonely.
Of course friends, family, Bible studies, colleagues, etc., are important. We need them and they need us as well. But we don t need to use them to fill our own loneliness, because than we will become dependend from them and will look for something that only God can provide.
I ask myself quite often if the PMO was my way to fill in this gap, to run away from the inner loneliness, inner noise that screams on me. I think it is true for most of the addictions. We need to learn to be alone, to look for solitude, than I think we won t be scared from loneliness.

Anyways, happy that you had a good weekend, and could keep your mind focused on the healthy staff.
Enjoy your evening,
« Last Edit: July 10, 2017, 11:44:19 AM by Vardan »

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #58 on: July 10, 2017, 01:27:35 PM »
Ah, thank you all three for your insightful comments. I know I'm only 33 days in (my record for reboot is around 150-odd) but I feel like I'm building better foundations this time.

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. I'm terrible for filling my life with stimuli and not allowing myself time to just be still! It's something I need to learn.

I quite like the idea of a stone in my pocket. It would dig in under my wallet just sufficiently to act as a reminder!

And yes, I'm by no means undermining the importance of God in my recovery, but it's important not to think that God is just going to take away all my lusts with zero effort on my part. 1 Cor 10v13 is very helpful: we're not promised a life free of temptation but we are promised an escape route each and every time. We just have to choose that escape route.

One final thought: I'm trying to be mindful of how clean I feel when I'm not on porn or on chat rooms. There's nothing to hide; my phone is in clear view of my wife; my Chrome browser isn't on Incognito mode... I know that if my wife wants sex I'm not going to have to worry about performance. I am better able to parent, to work, to take part in church and so on. There are so many positives to a sexually clean life. I guess we're just used to tricking ourselves.
:)

HumbleRich

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #59 on: July 10, 2017, 09:18:19 PM »
PE30, some questions for guidance.  1. Why are you married?  2.  How do you feel about your wife, emotiomally, sexually, spiritually?  3.  What dies Jesus think?

Jesus doesn't play by the rules of the world, we are required to play by his rules if we want to be saved.  You decided to marry and Gid says that your marruage is a reflection of your marriage to him.  To serve dutifully and selflessly. 

You are drawn to the ways of the world like every person is.  The world is cunning and cruel, but its cruelness looks like excitement.

Remember the vows that you made to your wife.  And stay strong with the Lord. 

Good luck,

HumbkeRich

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #60 on: July 11, 2017, 09:28:28 AM »
Sorry Humblerich but I don't really feel comfortable answering such personal questions on an open forum. Suffice to say: I love my wife so much, and the reason for fighting this addiction is because of love for her, love for my family and love for God. Additionally, I am secure in my salvation - I have fallen far short, but grace gives me both the security that I am God's child and the strength to keep fighting my old self. It's difficult to discern tone on here, so I am assuming that you are intending to be encouraging and not judgemental.
:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #61 on: July 12, 2017, 04:47:37 AM »
Day 35

Had some awful news last night: a friend of mine (who'd been missing for a few days) was found dead... I'm kind of in shock. All of you please: stay safe. And do talk. Keep talking and being open. Love to you all.
:)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #62 on: July 12, 2017, 07:56:07 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family and the family of your friend. A loss is so hard, you never fully recover but you do slowly move forward carrying your memories with you. Sending lots of love, peace, and grace your way!

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #63 on: July 12, 2017, 10:19:36 AM »
So sorry to hear that :( Please stay strong.
Much love.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #64 on: July 12, 2017, 11:14:20 AM »
Thank you both. It's just really weird / horrible. He was a lovely guy, got on really well with my daughters, it's just such a shame.

In terms of my reboot - things are much the same. Chat rooms and porn remain far from my mind - I do have the occasional thought when I see someone good looking on the train or out and about - but I'm trying a "don't look twice" approach (i.e. if I see someone attractive, acknowledge to myself that they're attractive and then concentrate on something else).

It's tricky but it feels right to do this. 
:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #65 on: July 13, 2017, 03:16:40 AM »
Day 36. Five weeks today since I got the kick up the backside I deserved and needed.

The guilt and shame is still there but it's less prominent. The temptation is still there but it's not as fierce. My fake-name Gmail, KiK and Snapchat accounts are long dead.

I met up with some friends of mine last night. We chatted, shared memories of our friend, prayed together and wept a bit. Life is so precious and fleeting. Do everything you can to make the most of it.

:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #66 on: July 14, 2017, 01:17:28 AM »
Day 37

I've been having some back pain at night, which has meant that I've woken up at 5 the past few mornings. That, plus the stuff with my friend means that I've struggled to get back to sleep. So today I got up early and got to work.

As an aside - I wonder if others of you struggled to readjust your sleeping patterns during a reboot? I used to use chat rooms at various different times of day but I would regularly stay up late on my phone talking to people, getting to sleep at 1/2am and then getting up at 6.30 for work. I was like a zombie sometimes.

Anyway it's 7.10am and I'm alone in the office. And the amazing thing is that I don't feel tempted to go on chat rooms! (I mean, I tell a lie: there is a level of temptation there but I feel strong enough to resist it)

So, thank you for your ongoing support. I'm going to try to stay strong. I'm hoping to go into days 47-54 (when my family are away) with enough prayer / momentum etc that I'll get through them. If I'm painfully honest, I've never actually successfully made it through a week alone without some form of MO/PMO/chat room. I'm determined not to fall this time.

:)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #67 on: July 14, 2017, 08:22:43 AM »
If your habit is to stay up late using chat rooms then I would strongly urge you to get up early 5 am or maybe even a bit earlier. Do a workout first thing and get into the office when other people are there. If you stay busy and around people. Go to a park and read, things that are in public, then you will be less likely to PMO. At least I would assume that public places would be a deterrent, lol. Then by the time you hit that pillow at night you should be so exhausted that you will just want to crash. Maybe even get a workout in the evening too just to be sure you are nice and tired. Do projects on the house and call a friend to help. Anything that keeps you busy, and not alone. I have noticed from reading the various journals on here that the mind like to justify excuses when you are bored and alone. It is easier to rationalise things when nobody is around to talk you out of it. Keep constant reminders of why you are doing this and focus on that. Fill your schedule to the brim and set yourself up for success. You can do it.

Vardan

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #68 on: July 15, 2017, 04:06:41 AM »
Day 37
As an aside - I wonder if others of you struggled to readjust your sleeping patterns during a reboot? I used to use chat rooms at various different times of day but I would regularly stay up late on my phone talking to people, getting to sleep at 1/2am and then getting up at 6.30 for work. I was like a zombie sometimes.

Hi, Good to hear that you are doing fine despite of all the staff thats going on in your life.
Concerning sleeping I do have now problems to fall asleep for example, and to have longer sleep. I don t really have to readjust sleeping patterns, since in this term my life with or  without P has not much changed. But I can t sleep good and I have read many during the reboot experience the same problem...

Have a good day and enjoy the weekend!!!

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #69 on: July 15, 2017, 11:51:39 AM »
Aquarius25- thanks for the advice. I have a pretty full schedule and am not likely to be home early at any time. So hopefully this will help. I think I'm just thinking out loud really! Or steeling myself in anticipation for what might be a tricky few days. I don't think there's any real justification for slipping whilst alone for a few days- my vows are still the same when my wife and I are apart; the days keep ticking on.

Speaking of days, it's day 38 today. Approaching the 40 day mark.
:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #70 on: July 17, 2017, 07:12:53 AM »
Day 40 :)

Weekend was good. Went to an open air Shakespeare on the Friday night; had my daughter's birthday party on the Saturday. Church on Sunday was difficult (as it was the first time we'd met since my friend died) but there was lots of encouragement, shared grieving and togetherness. Had a bit of an argument with my wife over something stupid in the afternoon but we managed to resolve it reasonably quickly. We were both tired and a bit stressed - these things happen.

Our relationship is really good at the moment in general. Sex life is so much better when I'm porn and chat room free - I feel really up for it, no issues with performance, she feels good, it's all good. I'm going to be going about 12 days without sex (due to various circumstances) but I am starting to prepare mentally for that period. I'll be on here plenty when the going gets tough!

Thank you to all of you who have posted on my wall, PMed me and so on. I really appreciate the support.
:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #71 on: July 18, 2017, 03:18:14 AM »
Day 41

So that's the first 40 days over with. I know that Jesus was tempted in the desert for 40 days and then Satan left him alone; I think that (a) He knew His Scriptures better than I did and (b) he would have still undergone temptation for the rest of his ministry. So I'm over a big milestone but it by no means feels like the battle is finished. This is just the beginning.

As I've said earlier, I think it's more helpful to think of myself as an addict that wins the battle day by day, moment by moment, rather than regarding myself as healed of this affliction. I may never be healed, but 1 Cor 10v13 says that God will continue providing escape routes.

Stay strong, all of you. Take one day at a time - be present, humble and honest (as a very wise forum member said).
:)

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #72 on: July 19, 2017, 04:47:02 AM »
Day 42

Another day, another battle won. Not an awful lot to report, but there's something quite helpful about the daily routine of checking in here. I keep praying and I keep from feeling like I'm "okay". I'd rather admit I'm not okay but keep winning the daily battle.



:)

aquarius25

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #73 on: July 19, 2017, 07:31:34 AM »
You have a great attitude! Keep it up. You are doing really well.

PE30

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Re: Back on the wagon
« Reply #74 on: July 20, 2017, 03:19:57 AM »
Day 43

Had a good day yesterday and a good night last night. We had a meal with our church small group - I made beef rogan josh, vegetable makhanwala (which is a mild, creamy vegetable curry), peshwari naan and rice. It was quite tasty, I'll admit! I'd happily cook for people every day of the week - it's one of the things I love the most.

I guess this is the thing: I've been looking for love in the wrong places. I had a wife and children who love me, and I have some good friends who actually seem to enjoy time with me and with each other. When I used to go on chat rooms, I would be looking not just for my own sexual gratification but for a sense of connection, of validation I guess.

We sing a song at church which goes "my hope is built on nothing less / than Jesus' blood and righteousness". I think this is what I need to aim for: to stop building my hope, my security and my identity on the way others see me. To receive God's love and to bless others with the overflow. It's a work in progress.

But still: it's day 43. So, six weeks today since I received the wake-up call I needed. Onwards, one day at a time.

:)