Occasional Account of 25 year old guy (ex 21 year old Addict)

HISTORY
I started this game just before my 9th birthday, as far as I can remember when I was playing Pacman World 2. Began experiencing strange fetishes by looking at game animations. Soon those fetishes changed and I started finding my school teacher attractive. Would fantasize for 1 hour every day before going to bed, and tickle my penis because I felt a "relaxing/soothing" sensation.
My dad was watching TV once and I as a child wanted to play with the remote, so I took it and dialed a random channel. The channel that I dialed turned out to be an adult channel which I put on by accident, and I saw for the first time big breasts exposed. Was pretty embarrassing but funny.

By the time I hit 13 years of age I ejaculated for the first time, and I used to tickle my penis to orgasm before going to sleep. I was in 8th grade at the time. One day in school an idiot showed me gay porn and straight porn for a few seconds on his phone, and that changed everything.
From there on my sexual tastes changed as i grew older. I once believed girls had penises and all other kinds of wierd stuff along the way. I began masturbating (the proper way, no more tickle) at home to femal dress magazines, pictures on the internet and at school in private.
I was so addicted that one time I was sitting in the front of the classroom next to the wall, and I slid my hand through my coat into my trousers and fapped to orgasm. Didnt know how the hell I wasnt caught, but thank god.

When I reached the age of 17 only then did I realize and ackowledged the fact that I was addicted. I left PMO for a year but kept edging by fantasizing. When I was 18 I saw an attractive female in a japanese advert and could not hold my self so I busted one that second. From there on I fap every day to every second day.
Now I am 21 and a heavy porn addict. On average I can go max 1 day without PMO, and my longest streak was 2 weeks a few months back. Fuck I cant control myself, in one hand is my smartphone, in my other hand is my d**k and I spend half of my day in my bedroom. Got studies to do but hell my mind is fucked, forces me to fap. Its like I have 2 personalities.
Once I fap, I just keep going till I almost pass out in my bed. Cant remember very well, poor concentration, have the heart of an old man, the voice of a fucking rat, I fucked up the collagen in my knees and other joints by ejaculating too much constantly for years, probably stunted my growth (Im 5'10''1/4).

PRESENT
No point attempting to go cold turkey yet. Havent researched enough about the brain on pornography. If I do I'l relapse within 2 days (been relapsing constantly for 2 years in torture). 2 days ago I was at my campus, researched about software tools to prevent me accessing porn. Found ColdTurkey and K9. I installed them on my computer, blocked Youtube, Social Media, blogs, newsfeed and all unnecessary sites including games to keep me productive. My smartphone is a major problem, so I decided to install a blocker on it, which prevents other users from accessing my apps and the internet. Since I am the problem (well when my mind craves and forces me to PMO) I created a new gmail account, made a password that I will never remember and then created another password for the blocker. This is so that when I try to access Google or Internet on my Android th blocker pops up and asks for a password. Because I made a random long password which I will never remember I cant even click on "forgot password" as the gmail itself requires a password which I dont remember.  I blocked youtube, news, all social media and I even blocked Google Playstore, Appstore and Settings. Now I cant cheat the blocker as I cant even uninstall it, factory reset the android. I even hid the blocker app itself from showing in my android tabs by placing it in the Contacts, so i have to dial a secret code to access it (even that password I made to forget it).
Well, thats that. Wish I had done this 2 years ago. Now even if my mind craves the Porn, I cant physically access the material on my phone, nor on my computer. I feel a bit relieved. (Oh yes, I also made a random password for K9 which I will never remember, which is linked with the same gmail account whos password I dont remember).

Now, going to simultaneously research on effects of Porn on brain and attempt to hard reboot for 90 days no PMO no bullshit. Of course I dont expect to not relapse, ahhh damn time to show pain the fucking finger.

Starting from today. Going to post regular updates of progress.

Hi there,
You are doing great buddy. Be careful of "fake reasoning" of your mind. Reasons like I just want to check my instagram massages, I want to watch that movie etc,
Your brain feels that your are in danger so it tries to persuade you to do what it thinks VITAL for your survival,
Go on and show who's the boss.

I am about as far in as you are (this time around) and am already noticing better focus at work and personal interests or things around the house. I am very confident that this is the last time I will do this, because I will be successful. My sex life with my wife is also a big motivator, and I have already noticed positive changes there.

I wish I would have started this, like you, when I was 21, or at least in my 20s. I'm sure so many relationships in my life were affected by this. I am now in my second marriage and our relationship has really been a motivator for me to 'get clean' and focus on real sex versus fantasy/porn. We have a good sex life, but I know my PMO has affected it negatively, especially edging for hours at a time. I'm just over it.

One day at a time. I know there will probably be really hard days, but I am staying off social media and avoiding any media (TV, Movies, etc) that is remotely sexual and that is a huge help. Very much 'out of sight, out of mind'. Even when I see something like a attractive woman in a show or movie, or a random unexpected sex scene comes up, I mentally block any thoughts it may muster, or I just get up and leave the room if watching with others.

That is good to hear. Keep up the progress. Your words give me the feeling that somehow I am very fortunate to be in the prime of my youth. You seem like a guy in his mid 30s, nevertheless it is never too late. Sexual energy must be preserved at all times except with your partner, combined with clean and proper nutrition that grows from the ground or comes from the animals.

Today sexual promiscuity and unrestricted sexual release promises a man pleasure and relaxation, where in reality the consequences are AIDS, HIV or premeture ejaculation and PIED for people like us. Funny enough, the guys who dont look at women and dont "perve" or look at women unnecessarily are labelled 'gay', 'lame', and 'too strict' but they are the ones who get to enjoy their sex life to the fullest and max. Older guys are getting TRT and steroid injections to keep up their physique and health.
This body is a big treasure of magic, especially the youth. we need to preserve it and keep it young (although age is always a factor)

_Someone_ said:

Today sexual promiscuity and unrestricted sexual release promises a man pleasure and relaxation, where in reality the consequences are AIDS, HIV or premeture ejaculation and PIED for people like us. Funny enough, the guys who dont look at women and dont "perve" or look at women unnecessarily are labelled 'gay', 'lame', and 'too strict' but they are the ones who get to enjoy their sex life to the fullest and max. Older guys are getting TRT and steroid injections to keep up their physique and health.
This body is a big treasure of magic, especially the youth. we need to preserve it and keep it young (although age is always a factor)

Click to expand...

I consider myself extremely lucky that PIED is the worst of what I have experienced over the years. My addiction to porn and being unsatisfied in my first marriage led me to affairs and typically if I was friendly with a woman, I had other thoughts and would try to act on them. I think in pretty much every relationship I've ever been in, besides my current marriage I have been looking to 'trade up' or at the very least cheat if the opportunity presented itself. My wandering eye, even when in relationships, is funny to me looking back since it is very much like having different tabs of porn open in your browser as the next best thing pops up and piques your interest.

These days I am very happy with my current wife and don't look at other women that way and haven't since we've been together. I have a few female friends I would never treat that way or look at in that way. The most I think when I see an attractive woman out and about is that she's pretty or has a nice feature here or there, if anything. I don't think I even notice that much anymore. Even with the issues we've had, our sex life is very good and satisfying (though life sometimes gets in the way of the frequency being what I'd like it to be). I can honestly say I have never thought of another woman while with my wife, also a first for me, and that was true even before I learned of PIED and 'rebooting'. There may have been one time a couple years ago when I did because I couldn't get it up and thought it would help. It didn't.

Now into my 9th day and I have relapsed. Starting again. Resetting Counter to Day 1.

Currently I am at the starting point of flatline (in my previous 9 day streak I entered flatline)  -- maybe relapse sets us back just before the flatline period idk.

Have severe anxiety and depression. Fear of not controlling my body when the dopamine cravings kick in. Fear of never rebooting etc...

Severe mood swings.

The depression and anxiety of the flatline just hit me for the first time, so I PMOd twice yesterday. It turns out that my blocker is unable to block google play store on my computer, making it possible for me to access unrestricted internet access on my android ---> allowing PMO. But I've still made it harder to access the internet on my phone as it takes a lot of time to download.

So, lets start this again.

Day 1: Depression, anxiety, flatline still and expecting this to remain for months.

6 days later and now I am almost past day 7 now. I have subscribed to Recovery Nation.

It turns out that PMO is not my only addiction, but so is video games. I always had the cravings to play android games and Mass Multiplayer Online games on computer especially those i.o. games. I became concerned when I spent a whole night playing an i.o. game out of depression and boredom that I looked up the symptoms and it matched with my personality.

No wonder why I am 21 years old and still have the mindset of a 16 year old. But 2 days ago I deleted my google account with all the saved data of my games, finally I have rid them at last. A sacrifice that will pay off. I havent touched any games and already I can feel my mind mature a little bit. Applying for jobs as well so that I can develop as a person

(I spent my whole teenage in gaming so much that I lack the social and soft skills necessary in the workplace. Now I am going to take this big step of taking a job for the first time.

Hey, I was once addicted to video games too. Back in highschool, the most popular game was maple story, i spent hours on it everyday after school. I was so obsessed with it I neglected taking care of my hygience which resulted in acne problems. Then I kinda forgot how to interact with people other than my own gang, I felt nervous everytime I'm alone and had to deal with people, girls especially.

Hey someone, don't talk to yourself that way. The fact that you are here and struggle with this shit is one true sign of your responsibility towards yourself; This means that you are not a 21 years old with the mindset of 16. I know many out there that are much older than you and still do not pay a f**kin attention that they are wasting themselves. Do not let the inner sad voice get you down. I believe that leaving video games and PMO at the same time requires a spirit of a real man.

Keep hitting that f***king rock to the point either you die choking in your blood or break it.

Stay strong.

FUCK THIS CRAP. IM out. goodbye and farewell. Porn is my life

I dont know why I posted this yesterday. Was in sever depression and anxiety for the past Easter break in and out. Could not help relapsing again and again. When my brain craves the high I seem to be unable to control my self from busting a couple n*ts. Whenever I have breakfast the cravings come in. for the past week I isolated myself from all interactions except my family members ( I always stay in the room either lying in bed lifeless from pmo or gaming to ease the symptoms), usually drive the car to get groceries but my mother had to do all that since I had no energy. Had no energy to even log in and update the forum

I am not going to delete anything since this is a journal of my experience. Today a classmate in college and I were having a discussion on pornography and he disclosed his former problem. After interacting so deeply with someone after a long time of isolation I feel slightly better mentally.
Starting again currently Day 1.

Have a better mood than before. Expecting a huge rush of anxiety and depression as has always been the case. Not in flatline yet

Streak 1: ????
Masturbated 1 time
Streak 2: ???
Masturbated 1 time
Streak 3: ????
Masturbated 1 time
Streal 4: ??
Masturbated 6 times. PMOed 2 times

This is better compared to the last 2 years when I PMOed every other day at least twice

_Someone_ said:

Streak 1: ????
Masturbated 1 time
Streak 2: ???
Masturbated 1 time
Streak 3: ????
Masturbated 1 time
Streal 4: ??
Masturbated 6 times. PMOed 2 times

This is better compared to the last 2 years when I PMOed every other day at least twice

Click to expand...

Keep at it pal! This is perhaps the biggest challenge of your life and there will be falls and setbacks. But you know where you want to end up. So keeping learning and keep pushing!

Hope everyone is fine.

I'm doing well now, thankfully. I've been through a lot of changes over the past 3 years, both in my mindset, mental and physical health.

My addiction (or rather should I say habit) remains, but I have finally found my peace.

Success is not about comparing your progress and achievements to that of others. Success is about accepting yourself for what you are and have, acknowledgement of the reality.

Hope is all I have now, and I am happy. The world is far bigger than just counting streaks and getting amused with the effects. Sometimes, it is better to manage your weaknesses instead of stressing to "remove it".

I am not going to post actively on the forums anymore (just like before), life gets busy, got plenty of things to do and I cant commit time to writing on this forum.

Patience, and Contentment, is indeed key to a happy life.