Finally starting to take this seriously, after a 3 year journey

Hi guys,

I may share my entire story in detail at a later date. For now, I will just share a summary, as I am new to this.

Three years ago, I realised I had severe PIED. No type of porn aroused me in the slightest. So, I decided to reboot. I have relapsed many times, but my longest streak was nine months. Three months ago, I finally managed to have sex. However, since then, I have watched porn several times. I have already seen negative effects of this. I do not want to move backwards. That prospect absolutely terrifies me. So here I am, about to start taking this very seriously again.

Thanks for reading this. I will do my best to check this regularly and respond to anyone who replies. I also aim to post updates every week.

Best,
RJC

Hi again,

I haven't kept up with posting on here, so I've just made a note in my calendar to remind me to do it this Saturday, and I will do it every Saturday from then. I was only even prompted to post today because I relapsed last night.

My relapse was a huge P and M binge, but I managed to refrain from O. I usually manage to refrain from O at this point in my journey, but I relapse with P and M between every two weeks and every 2 months.

I have realised that if I keep relapsing, I obviously need to do something different, because what I am doing isn't working. I recently decided that I would never take my laptop into my bedroom, as this is a powerful and unnecessary trigger. I only actually need to use my laptop for university work. Also, I only ever use it to waste time when in my room. I can use my phone for social media (which is no worry, as P is blocked on it and I don't know the password to unblock it). Last night, I justified taking my laptop into my room to myself by telling myself I needed it to do university work. I could have, and should have, just gone to the library. Maybe I would not have relapsed if I didn't make this mistake. I will bear this in mind for the future. Next year I will not have any room other than my own to keep my laptop in. I therefore plan to modify the rule to being that I am just not allowed to take my laptop out of my bag in my room. I can even leave it in there if I need to charge it.

Another mistake I made last night was a simpler one. When contemplating whether or not I should watch P, I thought 'screw it'. Every time I think that, I make the decision more normal and more acceptable. I need to avoid that in the future.

To aid my reboot and make it easier, I am also meditating in the morning and at night, exercising, eating a healthy vegetarian diet, and taking cold showers.

If anyone has any other tips I would greatly appreciate it.

At this point, I am desperate to overcome this all-consuming, evil, habit of watching pornography. I just want to live without the guilt and shame, and to make things as good as they can be for myself and the people I care about, and to develop a healthy sexuality and a meaningful relationship with a real person.

Sorry this was a long post, I'm still new to this and have a lot to say. Thanks for reading, and feel free to message my with any advice, or for any advice.

Love to all of you fighting this battle,
RJC

Hey man , glad to have you back with us. You can make your last relapse your last relapse ever if you choose to.

I have been "trying" to quit porn since last June. I had read everything on it , watched all the videos... I managed to stay some weeks off and then on again , with all the negative effects ( brain fog , internal conflict which made me feel lethargic..) once only 2 months ago I reached 41 days of no pmo but then I wanted to watch porn again and I got into the biggest binge in my life.

Up until that point I had tried everything... Calendars , journals , software to "protect" me... I had put so much time in those measures yet they all failed and I kept pmoing heavily...

I had lost so much hope during my last binge that I almost fell onto a car on purpose because I knew I was ruined and the worst , I could not do anything about it... I thought "come on if i had quit this I would have done it already , i cant thats why Im still here... I remember listening to that beautiful song named Bitter Sweet Symphony... there is a line there I related myself with

"No change I can change I can change I can change , but I am here , in my mold and im a different million people from one day to the next I can change...my mold..."

God knows how much time I wasted in writig journals I didnt want to write ( they help some people , maybe even myself now, they just didnt help me back then )and how many viruses I got in my pc from different softwares and at the same time I was relapsing multiple times in a day... I obeyed my lust like a mindless zombie..

After fapping to a very fucked up material I even thought of suiciding with a number of ways...
Then , some days later.. I decided to join this forum... I said Ive got nothing to lose , why not... I actually had a bad idea about the people here because porn destroyes your true primal and raw confidence and leaves you with a useless self destructive ego.

Now i am 20 days clean. Not a single urge to pmo. Getting sexual thoughts for different women. Im searching of ways to pleasure them like oral sex etc... almost fell in love with a girl I had never looked before because of porn.. I really now realised how crucial was for me to

j
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a forum and open it up... get it all out you know. If you asked me 20 days earlier I would tell you that quitting was fiction movie for me. Yet Ive talked to people I thought I never would...and become a human being I thought I wouldnt..

I hope you find peace as well my friend. And again. Its good to have you back.

Hi guys,

Just posting my weekly update. This is two days late unfortunately but still an improvement on last time.

To start out, I will say I haven't relapsed, which is brilliant. My new tactic of never having my laptop out in my room is really helping me so much. I am managing okay with keeping everything else in order that I am doing to aid my reboot, although it is not going perfectly. Things are moving in the right direction anyway.

I would also like to add that I wrote an essay on the neuroscience of pornography addiction for university the other day. This was a brilliant opportunity to get to know the science better, and it all made perfect sense with my story. Reading up on sensitisation really cemented my belief that it is of utmost importance to avoid cues.

All the best,
RJC

Hi guys,

I just wrote a really long post and then it a message came up saying I had to sign in again when I pressed preview, and I lost the post. That was kind of frustrating. Anyway, I'll try to summarise everything I wrote really quickly.

I'm going to start posting every Friday.

I just relapsed. I was drunk and I left my laptop out when I should have packed it away.

I really need to sort this out, because it makes a difference to many aspects of my future.

I'm going to start posting a list of my tactics for rebooting every time, and whether I have stuck to them or not. That will allow me to experiment, and figure out what works. Here's the first list:

Moderate alcohol consumption
Meditate twice per day
Work out three times per week
Eat healthily
Do not smoke
Do not take drugs
Do not take laptop into bedroom, and do pack it away at night
Keep reading about the relevant science
Do not shy away from talking to girls and relationships

Best,
RJC

...I missed one

Moderate alcohol consumption
Meditate twice per day
Work out three times per week
Eat healthily
Do not smoke
Do not take drugs
Stay on top of university work
Do not take laptop into bedroom, and do pack it away at night
Keep reading about the relevant science
Do not shy away from talking to girls and relationships

Hey guys,

I'm writing my post on time for once! Haha.

I've also had no relapses, so that's great!

Here's my weekly checklist:

Moderate alcohol consumption:
I went to a friend's house for his birthday thinking I would end up drinking too much, but I took my drinks slowly and I was sensible. I think I just have to remember not to start drinking too early, and to take my drinks slowly.

Meditate twice per day:
My sessions have sometimes been a bit short but I've done them none the less. Definitely worth doing.

Work out three times per week:
I nearly wimped out of going the other day but did it in the end. Whenever this happens, I'm always glad I decided to go. I just need to remember that and remember to leave enough time to go.

Eat healthily:
This has been going great. I just need to remember to leave time to make lunch the night before so I don't spend money in the day!

Do not smoke:
I took cigarettes to the party I went to but decided not to smoke, which I was pretty pleased about.

Do not take drugs:
No problems to report here.

Stay on top of university work:
This has been going well, I'd say.

Do not take laptop into bedroom, and do pack it away at night:
I left it out before going to the party, so I need to remember to pack it away before going out. It didn't cause any problems this time anyway.

Keep reading about the relevant science:
I haven't had much time for this, but will get on to it eventually anyway.

Do not shy away from talking to girls and relationships:
I haven't been flirting with girls or seeking out a relationship, which I think is fine, but I haven't shied away from it either.

So it's been a pretty good week overall. Just a few things to tweak.

I just need to remember not to become complacent as I usually do at either one month, two months, or three months. It will be worth it for those NoFap benefits lol.

Best,
RJC

Hi guys,

I relapsed last night. I was drunk. I guess that's a common theme. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to quit drinking before and it lasted for two months, and the whole time I had to deal with people getting annoyed at me because I didn't drink and trying to persuade me to drink again and telling me I wouldn't be able to keep up not drinking. And in honesty, if I tried to quit drinking again, I would struggle. It's just such an integral part of my social life.

I think I really just need help now. I think I'm going to go to the university support service. If anyone has any advice, it would be very much appreciated.

Best,
RJC

I suggest that you read as many of the over 40 age category Journals as you can.
This is serious business and we must know why it's important and develop the motivation
to make change in our lives.

I do not know your situation so it might be silly for me to try to tell you exactly what to do.
However this PMOing that you are doing is a mind-set.  So develop a mind-set to overcome.

Also realize that this is a movement.  Men of every walk of life have this problem including
doctors, lawyers, athletes, ministers, priests, businessmen, and etc.
P is not a worthwhile education as some younger than you think!  We must save them.

Hi,
Of course I don't know your social circle but starting in the middle of December 2017 for 3 months I gave up drinking entirely. I did this because I wanted to try if I really can give up something for 90 days after doing it regulary for a very long time. In first 2 months my friends were complaining and tried to convince me that one drink won't do any harm. But it would even though I am not addicted to the alcohol. It was a test of character for me. In last month of my alcohol abstinance suddenly everybody was impressed that I can keep my vow even though there were so many occasions to drink with them. My friends became impatient and impressed with me at the same time. They couldn't wait for me to start drinking again and we even had a special meeting to celebrate my first drink after 3 months. Something that annoyed them in the beginning in the end turned out to be something that made them respect me even more.

Now if you know that alcohol leads to your relapse with P, and you know that P is very bad for you (like for all of us) you shouldn't care about what people say. Give up alcohol at least for a period of time in which you manage your P addiction. If your friends are annoyed let them be. It is your life. Like my mom says "friends come and go but life goes on". Do it for your present and future self.

Stay strong

Hi guys,

relapsed two days ago. Ffs lol. I think it's because I have final exams coming up for uni and it's stressing me out. Let's give it another go then. What else am I gonna do, eh.

Best,
RJC

Hi guys,

I've had no relapses since last time, so that's a few days in the bag. The less positive side of this is that I've felt really weird that last few days. I can't afford for that to happen again before my exams. Hopefully it all goes okay.

Best,
RJC