Death Road to Recovery

Hello everyone, this is my journal of my recovery from porn addiction, and I suppose I will start off by sharing a little about myself.  I am 28 years old, married for a year and a half, and I am a Christian.  I attend church and I go to a men's group called Chainbreakers, which is like a support group for people struggling with addiction.  I have been addicted to porn since I was 12 years old.

My longest streak was for about a year, and while I stumbled at points during that time, my life has improved dramatically.  I started dating, met my wife, lost 80 pounds and moved away from a bad relationship in that time.  Now I have relapsed and again I am struggling and can see the effects of my addiction in my life. 

The goal of my reboot is to abstain from artificial sexual stimulation indefinitely, and possibly to be an inspiration to others

Some of the things that have kept me from my goal in the past:

Deceiving myself into thinking that porn is okay and there will not be consequences for my actions

Unwillingness to follow through with measures that would support me in overcoming my addiction

Lack of accountability

Beating myself up

Currently I am on Day 3, so let's give this a try!

Day 4

So, some key factors that led to my success yesterday were this journal and my Bible reading.  Yesterday was difficult for me because I felt despondent and hopeless.  I doubted that I would be able to recover from this and get back on the straight and narrow.  The Bible study and prayer helped.  I feel like I am at least headed in the right direction.

Today, I am sick and staying home.  It will be a challenge for me because I will be alone.  However, I know I can persevere through my temptation.

Well done so far. Religion does play a very important role in keeping your mind healthy, the extra motivation and to get around difficult times.

_Someone_ said:

Well done so far. Religion does play a very important role in keeping your mind healthy, the extra motivation and to get around difficult times.

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Thank you for your encouraging words, Someone. 

Day 5

I managed to go another day without falling into temptation.  One thing that helped me yesterday was resisting the urge to fap.  I could tell that it would trigger me, having recently come to better understand what a trigger is.  I knew that if I did, it would have caused me to be tempted.  I could feel it.

Now I am on Day 5, a Friday.  Fridays can be hard for me, because I know I do not have work the next day.  So, I will commit myself to go to bed at 10:00 tonight.  I will commit to my Bible reading and spending time with my wife, giving her my complete attention.  I will commit to completing one chore on my list.

I am feeling better, but still a little sick.  I am still dealing with hopelessness.  But each day is a little better. 

Day 7

Yay, a whole week! 

Let's start with the positive.  I feel a lot less turmoil than I did one week before.  I feel more hopeful and at peace.  For some reason, I feel more comfortable with my appearance.  I can love my wife better.  I have been able to sense triggers and avoid them.  Also, I've made significant gains on getting through the laundry.

However, this hypofrontality is the worst.  It's difficult to control my eating, and I feel my performance has suffered in all aspects of my life.  I feel overwhelmed when I process all the things I need to do.  I just want to play video games all the time, or watch funny videos on YouTube.  It makes it difficult to make progress in important areas.

So, one measure I am taking is fasting.  I will attempt to fast for the whole day today.  This will help me build discipline and apparently help the reward center of my brain recover faster.  Another thing I've been thinking will help is working on one area at a time.  Like taking baby steps.  So, I will plan to work out at least four times next week.  This will boost discipline and definitely help my self confidence, as well as make me a healthier individual.

The most important thing I must undertake is building my relationship with God.  I need to start going to church regularly again.  I want to go to church, it's just that dumb little things will come up that keep us from going.  I know this is no excuse.  We'll go sporadically, but we need to go every week.  It's too easy to just slip away from these things, and then the relationship isn't there.  In short, I need to spend time with God through Bible study, prayer and fellowship, and I need to make this top priority.

Day 8

Positive:

Doing good at work today!

My wife noticed my efforts around the house and said I did 100% better

Went to Financial Peace class, and my wife finished our budget

Have more joy

Marriage is better, more loving emotional climate

More sleep

Negative:

Weight gain (256 lbs on Friday, lowest weight 230 lbs)

Bible study and prayer not where they should be.  (Goal is 3 chapters a day and to write in my prayer journal every day

Have a cold or something

Lack of motivation


My goals for today are to work out, finish my devotion, finish a chore and to spend time with my wife.  I should probably also catch the sermon on YouTube.  I have a small amount of temptation, but I think I can deal with it.  I should also call my family sometime in the near future.  Tonight, my wife and I are having our first financial meeting.

If I stay on top of things, apply techniques to fight temptation and don't allow myself to become complacent I think it will help me overcome this addiction.  I have also been considering trying the AA twelve step program.  I haven't tried it before, so maybe it can help. 

Day 9

I dealt with some mild to moderate temptation last night, but I was able to deal with it.  I think my Bible study and spending time with my wife helped.  I was able to fulfill my desires with her in the context of a loving relationship.  So, I think loving and being loved by her helped to keep me from seeking fulfillment in the wrong places.  Another thing that has helped is abstaining from MO.  I really think MO might be a trigger for me.  Also, I knew things were going good, and that if I PMO'ed there would be bad consequences.

Sometimes I kind of start slipping into the mindset that P is this fun, recreational thing, but I know the consequences and I know the escalation.  I don't want the guilt, fear and anxiety that it causes, or the damage to my relationships, cognitition, and sex drive.  Neither do I desire to be conditioned for more extreme types of P, which I consider immoral.  The consequences are always worse than I think they will be.

Logically and ethically, P is not a good choice for me.  How do I plan to beat this?  Firstly, I know I cannot do it without God.  I need to start reading my life verses daily again.  I need to pray for the strength to overcome temptation.  I know I need to rely on Him and not on myself.  Secondly, I need the right support.  Going to men's group on Wednesdays will help, and I should also find an accountability partner.  A pastor from church gave me his phone number.  I should contact him.

That is all I have time for today.  Peace.

Day 10

Alright, I'm into double digits!  So, what improvements have I noticed so far?  Well, I have more vigor and my mood has improved.  I am doing better at work; I even got complimented again today!  I feel limerance between my wifey and I, which is a wonderful feeling.

I still feel like goofing off all the time, but I need to buckle down and do what I need to do.

Day 11

Just checking in really quick.  I still feel really good, but less so as I only got about 6 hours of sleep last night.  I have been able to keep up on my devotion, but I haven't started working out yet.  Work is going pretty well so far today.  I haven't been MOing, and that has really helped.  No trouble on the horizon yet, but I have a lot of work to do in different areas that will help me overcome this.

Good to see you have reached the 10th day. I am almost as far in this as you (Im on day 8). Like you said, fasting is a great technique for rehabilitating the brain and reward circuits. One thing I would like to say is that you must start exercising regularly. Exercise is just as essential as eating and drinking.

Think about it, our bodies are constantly alternating between two states:
- eating and fasting (feast mode and fast mode)
- sleep and awake
- inhaling and exhaling
- stress and happiness

science tells us too much stress is not good for us as it makes us despair. Likewise, too little stress isnt good either as we become weak and unable to handle situations
We cant eat all the time, the digestive system and vital organs need rest from working like an industrial factory, so fasting is important

Likewise, we cant be sitting around all the time, we need to apply stress to our body to stimulate it and make it healthier just like the stress I talked about earlier. Hell even this whole world functions between two states (night and day, hot and cold weathers)

What does matter is the ratio of exercise to your resting. Exercise doesnt have to be pumping iron in the gym. You can include physiotherapy like joint mobility and stretches to keep your posture and joints young.

Most important thing is you need to preserve your sexual energy because it is a marker of youth. Less sexual energy = less vitality.

_Someone_ said:

Good to see you have reached the 10th day. I am almost as far in this as you (Im on day 8). Like you said, fasting is a great technique for rehabilitating the brain and reward circuits. One thing I would like to say is that you must start exercising regularly. Exercise is just as essential as eating and drinking.

Think about it, our bodies are constantly alternating between two states:
- eating and fasting (feast mode and fast mode)
- sleep and awake
- inhaling and exhaling
- stress and happiness

science tells us too much stress is not good for us as it makes us despair. Likewise, too little stress isnt good either as we become weak and unable to handle situations
We cant eat all the time, the digestive system and vital organs need rest from working like an industrial factory, so fasting is important

Likewise, we cant be sitting around all the time, we need to apply stress to our body to stimulate it and make it healthier just like the stress I talked about earlier. Hell even this whole world functions between two states (night and day, hot and cold weathers)

What does matter is the ratio of exercise to your resting. Exercise doesnt have to be pumping iron in the gym. You can include physiotherapy like joint mobility and stretches to keep your posture and joints young.

Most important thing is you need to preserve your sexual energy because it is a marker of youth. Less sexual energy = less vitality.

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Thank you for your advice, Someone; you make a good point.  Sitting around every night sure isn't helping me any.  The hardest part right now is just getting started; It feels like an onerous task to do it, but it's the same with a lot of things.  The more I do it the easier it will get for me.  I wish you well on your reboot.

Day 12

I was able to complete my Bible study again yesterday and work on a couple of chores.  I have been watching a lot of gaming videos on YouTube and also playing video games in excess.  I didn't get enough sleep last night because I stayed up too late playing a game on my phone.  I like to take my phone with my to the bedroom to play a little before bed.

I am concerned I am not spending enough quality time with my wife.  Lately, I have been trying to do more, like give her a foot massage or play a game with her that doesn't involve electronics.  She has been getting home later some days this week because of her work, and when she's not there I tend to just check out for awhile until I need to make dinner or some progress around the house.

Once I start to relax, it's always difficult to get motivated to accomplish my goals.  My wife and I agreed to spend at least 30 minutes every night focusing on each other, but this hasn't been consistent.  Oftentimes, we will be next to each other but in our own little worlds.  In excess, this will cause her to not feel loved.  The pastor at my church once said that it's funny that we never drift anywhere good.

Tonight, my goals are to complete my devotion, spend at least 30 minutes of meaningful time with my wife and give her my full attention, workout, and get the laundry done.  I know I can reach my goals.  This is a step I am taking to improve my relationship with God and with my wife.  I think the next step I should take is to make a list of goals and the steps to achieving them.