23yo PIED journal - journey

Okay so this is practically copy paste from another post I didn't think I had to do this but since I notice so many changes I need a whole page to write them down

I am 23 years old never had successfull sex due to PIED

Always PMOed to escalated shit, got bored really quick from the vanilla stuff I wanted to do before 12, watched every type you can think of - Ive not been able to successfully reboot or even quit for almost a year now...

Friends dont know why they've never seen me with a girl since i'm attractive. One of my friends once asked me if I was gay because there was a nice girl she really liked me and showed it in every possible way...I admire her courage when I think of it...and damn she was a really nice girl not only beautiful but great, phenomenal character also you dont find girls like that nowadays...

I didnt know the source of my pussiness and numbness back then and fun fact I was so damn stupid to wonder why I didnt want this girl while I was pmoing to escalated shit...

Nowadays i cant quit and it hits me really hard last week had another nice girl hitting on me hard I almost thought I had talk to her , she had me cornered lol... but then what...?? Watched porn the day before I wouldn't get up for any reason..
People notice that, friends etc and they cannot understand why I wont do anything

And no, this is not the type of girl people in this forum suggest "who will understand" these girls know what to look for and why and they want it bad... cant imagine her face after doing everything to get me up and fail and it will most probably go to shit after that

We are not 16-18 if you lived a successful life so far (outside of sex) you are well respected at 23 in your job, your hobbies, can you imagine what a self crack would be (for yourself and for the people around you) not to be able to maintain erection, act like a 16 year old because you never had a successful experience because of PIED?

And no, dont believe the fake gurus here and in other forums who say mindset and self confidence is everything and shit...

Everyone with IQ more than 10 knows that repetitive experience builds confidence. Unknown area is unknown for EVERYONE
- the cases when your first time is like Don Juan are rare and you gotta want it like a dog wants its bone... maybe after like 1 year of absence from pmo

I remember the last girl with whom I tried have sex though... thats when I discovered these forums... not that Ive made any progress just realised im not gay

okay so fast forward to DAY 5

What to say and what not, I feel more alive than I ever did, no sides yet, and I've noticed
creativity
awareness
and effort i put in school training , work etc has gone off the charts completely.

I can finally see a beautiful woman I like with completely different eye, you know not the goofy look but to look at her not by parts
but as one... That's how I can describe it.

AND OF COURSE

My head has gone UP AGAIN ( the upper head only for now  ;D ) IN PUBLIC no more fucking looking down pussiness

LIKE IT SHOULD
LIKE IT USED TO BE

Sides haven't noticed anything

BUT
BUT
BUT...

In previous tries (Hahahah very funny thing it is) so far I would have ONLY focused on the sides AND NOT ON THE + this is insane or at least it was lol...

Since I've joined here I've made true progress on my reboot

END

OF

7th day clean I feel a ton of gratitude to the forum and to all the members who have contributed in it.

In my past 41 no pmo I felt horrible and had constant urges..

Now its already day 7 and I had not even one single urge.. believe this like my system has recognized it as a hostile like a virus and that happened only after I read and I replied to posts from real live humans who had the same problem... I can't even describe how much this forum has helped me...

I've been more social and I've been noticing women...real women my friends like I did 11 years old..Im actually crying writing this right now because during those 41 days I didn't believe for a moment I would change and now I see endless light in the horizon.... in just 7 days...like days do not matter anymore...

Past few days I made decisions.....I could not imagine some days before..... Its crazy... My sleeping hours have started decreasing because I feel naturally more energetic. The majority of my daily thoughts are about girls and dating and they've come so naturally...yet at the same time Im getting more and more concentrated into what I do...

And I think Im starting to falling for a girl or maybe more than one lol I should have fell years ago had not I been using porn to dry myself out completely...

Those 7 days look very short yet everything has turned upside down... So its not just the abstence period, but communicating and connecting with others.. Thats one hell of an enemy for the addiction...

Only thing Ithats killing me is that I can't avoid lonelyness, home etc all the time

thank you all

Hey bro, I too feel lonely throughout my recovery process. I kind of think it's good that i feel lonely sometimes, it makes me go out more often and socialize with people. I see you're doing good so far, based on my experiece, around week 2 or 3 the urge to PMO will be back, stay vigilant during that period !

Thanks for the advice mate !!!! Yeah the feeling of loneliness is more apparent than ever but I feel really really good on days when I can go and socialise. First time after.. decade maybe I find such a drive to go so much... its really beautiful Imagine I used to think that ive grown old and muddy and that those used to be the only years when you are young that  want to be so much social hahaha

Looks like ive never stopped feeling i just numbed it with porn !!!

Okay so day 8 the only hard issue im facing daily from now on is the pressure

Im more confident by the day and watch how I look and I notice many girls looking and some flirting with pretty obvious ways  sometimes too much especially in the gym lol

Well this sucks because while I have the confidence sky high Im not yet recovered as far as PIED physically goes and Its hard to ignore all of this, well I do not exactly ignore lol I get my kick from eye contacting women but I know I cannot take them in bed yet and fill their expectations

I just wish it took less time to be fixed... From the signs so far I think I will be recovered maybe in a month or more but still im not there so its a crazy contradiction inside me and outside of me...

I dont want to feel like im bragging about my looks and confidence because I know how I felt when I read about those things happening in people who go through rebooting and I got very sad and sometimes even jealous I couldn't help it, so I hope it sounds as more humble as it can I really do and I hope everyone to soon experience these things, I really want everyone here to ..!!!

Again I would still be a loser I was in my previous try and past month had not I been writing on this forum..

I only wish it improves before 90 days If I have an encounter with a girl.

If anybody can relate or has surpassed all this I'd appreciate so much your advice thats what im actually trying to do im trying to learn  :

Just now I had urges... can you believe that?  to go and watch that perverted stuff I was so addicted to some weeks ago....

I feel exteremely ashamed with my mind.. I mean can you believe that, I can't get it up or show interest in real beautiful girls who like me everyday BUT !!!! when I unintentionally think of that crap it gets up like a rocket..

I am so angry with myself i feel like cutting it off sometimes - It feels like its completely disconnected from the real world and has invented its own where it wants to live I can't believe this...

And summer is approaching if I continue like this then what..?? Will I keep avoiding girls and opportunities like im a homosex ?

Well to be honest, if I looked at myself as someone else who didn't know me thats what I would think, no other explanation and that hurts very much...

Guess I didn't think of that when I was watching tons of porn that it dried and destroyed me, did I? I did it to myself, you , everyone here did it to yourselves so I personally have no regrets, completely, If I am to face a judgement for something I did, I will face it in  total silence and dignity

I think, If I relapse even one damn time (especially with the perverted stuff ) until the moment I die I will take it very heavily probably sit on the house without going to work.

It will surely ruin my life and fuck me up completely. everyone will be wondering where did my previous endless energy go and why I am hidding??? Since im a normal guy right? lol... They look at me as a nice guy with tons of energy, but they dont know that all this intensity springs from  and consciousness with lately has NEVER BEEN BETTER because Im starting to feel like a man again.....

at 23 fucking years old....

and of course because I've finally found more people that are like me and I don't feel like a lone loser...

Before I had one fear, If I can get it up and how to increase my dead towards real girls libido,

Now I have another fear of not relapsing

Just keeps getting better and better

Looks like this post about depression while rebooting from a fellow rebooter was made just in time for me to read I feel exactly the same at the moment...

When you are around people rebooting is not hard but if you live isolated then its a different story... The reason i dont have many friends is because

the ones I had have fucked up their lives ( drugs , dont work etc etc )

The people who I met since and had similar interests I did not want to spend time with as my addiction grew stroger and stroger ( I didnt know that was the cause back then)

and the people Im interacting right now only drink smoke and watch football

The worst of all is that my dick is dead and I cant even talk to girls who like me like...how am I supposed to know If later she will be supportive or get "upset"... and the closest she is with you or your friends the worst it is / will be..

I had urges due to the above just now to relapse I thought why the fck not but I remembered all the disgusting shit I watched lately... lol even my addiction is not strong enough to overcome the filth lol

23rd day today... Its unbelievable how fucked up my life is
..not because Im doing something wrong, Im talking about the circumstances around me....how sick and hard they are..
.I was numbing this pain and did not want to stare at it by abusing porn all along... I cant believe how much it blinded me.... I can finally see the gravity the situation around me....

I cant get into details atm but I am for the first time in my life confident about fighting a beast I just now realise is here...and it was here all along...the reason I was addicted to porn...and many other things....was a denial of this huge fact

I think the worst thing is not how hard the situation someone is facing , but his inability to perceive the truth of each moment , and the illusion of "freedom" and "justice" .

The future is bound to be really interesting my friends... The picture is getting so big Ive stopped thinking so much about bed performance and girls at this point...It all looks so superficial now...Lol Its a lot ... a LOT...bigger than that...

Throw someone into a hurricane with the ability to swim and he can try and save himself....
Throw him into calm waters with hands tied and he will drown....

Day 25. Im on holidays right now and the flatlines have shortened from days to hours....

I have not even the slightest interest to watch porn... I was looking on some tips on oral sex and of course I came across some porn sites, I was alone and very lonely at the time....but, lol its like watching smokers after you have quit for good, I didn't even feel any urge, just like I never watched it before... it is so surreal...in just 25 days.

So yeah so far so good. I'm eager to see what will happen in a few weeks because Im starting to feel im not in control of this urge anymore... Its like watching an evolution take place on my body and it is so primal I cannot contain it.

Its a strange feeling, like the one when I couldn't control my porn usage..but this time this is different..this fills me with energy and life.. Everything I do I just do it better than before... Im not worrying about good or bad choices, I see now only choices... and not to mention this feelings I'm getting thinking of this certain person..

I've stopped worrying about performance, everything feels so natural... Of course I might get some issues later on, and come back here asking for more advice ( lol  ;D ) I cannot predict the future for sure. But for now, I'm enjoying the ride...It's a bumpy one for sure, still have flatlines which literally deny everything I wrote so far haha, but they shrink more and more

This addiction is really punishing, it denies to give you freedom even for very simple things, thats what I have understood so far.. Morning erections, random erections during the day, feelings of affection, until yesterday....what did I do????? I just searched for bed tips.....you know how she likes it, how to get her wet etc...After that I went to watch a movie with my family...family time... But it had some triggers...not big though...and today..

BOOM I wake up limp dick morning wood gone, feelings of flatline.......My sexuality is as fragile as glass at this point.

Right now the best decision for me is to stay at home, objectively and subjectively. It doesn't mean you cannot control your dick or your mind. This advice about being more outgoing all you can is literally stupid.

While on no fap, this week I tried being my past self and it worked, smiled to random women, talked to them like I knew them 10 years, talking to them, flirting, went out for a drink.. But guess what.. I don't like the taste of alcohol anymore. I tried hard to quit coffee and I am not .. I AM NOT going back to it just to share a cup with a random girl. I am not 18 anymore, I don't think with my dick, neither have I the same brain I used to.

So fuck that. I came a long way trying not to be like the main brainwashed society idiot, I am not going back to it, even if that means I don't PMO or have sex for years, which will probably going to happen because my job doesn't let me stay in the same place more than...days

Day 18.... again.. It is the last time.

Mood swings, huge mood swings... whenever I am alone, or with friends, doesn't matter, one moment I am alive the other I am not.

Libido. When I wake up. Morning wood, pumps me up psychologically. Haven't felt so good waking up since...forever. Also good sign of recovery / libido.

Character. The more I accept myself, my ugliness, the porn tastes, the lack of feminine contact all these years, the more grounded I feel. I write about all these past things, and it has liberated me somehow. Total freedom. Not only that, but I am able to keep track of my progress, which from all the reading I've done, its enormous. Its one thing tracking your progress everyday and another to remember where you started, so you can realize how far you are going. That goes for my outer appearance as well.. I went from someone who didn't care how he looked at all into getting my own style. How cool is that?? I am also consistent with my diet, and my body is looking as good as never before.

Day 25 again (yay....! hit the previous mark again..!! )

Today it is a bit special day for my reboot because for the first time since I relapsed, I got the urges. Haven't got them again so far, I did nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned, I didn't get the urges because I have lethargic lifestyle or not talking to real women much, its been the opposite so far, in fact I am very active with my life, but I just got them. A few observations :

- First of all I am very happy because It was very smooth ride so far regarding the urges. None whatsoever so I was a little bit afraid ( I know, stupid of me but still subconsciously ) that I would I relapse if I got them., and was afraid of staying in my room even at the end of a productive and good day, like reading a book, or at weekends. But now I proved to my conscious mind I am not the same guy who would have relapsed so I feel more free.

I think thats it. The heavy withdrawals where I was like a junkie and people were asking me whats wrong with me is gone ( for ever I hope ).

Best of luck to rebooters around the world.

So today as I was laying in my bed I noticed my penis was not shriveled to nothing like the previous days. Then out of nowhere I got a boner. Instinctively for the first time in my life I closed my eyes and focused on the sensation and damn... It felt like a drug. Like having a really good massage..There was not the slightest fantasy, and did not want to be. The reason I describe it like this is because I have never masturbated or touched my penis without first getting the pattern of

thought --> dopamine --> and eventually porn viewing.

I don't remember a single time in my life closing my eyes , relaxing and enjoying 3 minutes so much as now. I didn't reach orgasm I didn't feel like it. I didn't think about relapsing, it came so naturally, I had literally no thoughts, I am really out of words.

The thing is that all this time I had my laptop next to me, still have it as I am writing this, and not once did I want or feel the need to watch porn... I remember when I was binging 2 months before I had tried all kinds of porn blocks, none of it worked.. I guess everything has to come naturally in the end. Its like my brain has changed totally, there is no effort to keep away, no urge.

Keep it up pal! Looks like you're making massive strides at the moment!

The mood swings are real. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life even if I've been on much harder situations than now. Maybe I did, but I was just too numb to feel it. I need to start thinking how much I have contributed to this pain and how much I am contributing right now. Surely, I am helping it somehow.

I've been observing sinceyesterday that my penis has finally come out of hiding. This is the first time in my life I see it hanging for more than an hour and I have made various observations through the day. Its not all day long like this, but most of the time it is.

I find it hard to believe it actually, right now I stood up to see if it really is like this haha. Its feels really uplifting subconsciously. In the army I used to wonder why everyone's penis was hanging and mine was so short but when It went up it was in a decent size ( compared to porn actors i've seen ).

I hope this is only the start cause I need all the real confidence I can get. I can see so much shit in my life I couldn't see before and I need to cope with them the best I can.

Hi man,

Not only the new experiences you're facing (get a boner without fantasm, seeing your penis coming out of hiding) show that you progress, it'll also improve your confidence, which will improve your life.

The mood things are real, but they are part of the recovery process. Keep the end goal in your mind, and go through it !

Best,

Mr_Mental_Discipline