My road to recovery

mark098i

Member
I've been hanging out with this girl for about a month and I'm starting to show signs of PIED and she starting to notice. She's really the main reason I'm buckling down and trying to fix this. Before I go any further about my current situation, I'll give a brief history about my relationship with porn and my penis. I grew up in a religious house hold and didn't start viewing porn until I was about 13 or 14. I started masturbating around 9 or 10 though. At first porn wasn't about the visual aspect to me. I would play porn for the audio and sub in my own fantasies. After my mom got divorced and I got my own electronics I began viewing a couple times a week. I went through phases of viewing everyday, to once a week, to going months without it and i continued this cycle all through high school. I college I viewed porn about 3 times a week and thats when normal porn stopped peaking my interest. Now, on that point, All porn still gets me off but it became preference. Now my relationship with my penis is a little different. Around college I became obsessed with Penis exercises (PE) in an effort to my my Penis bigger (like a porn star). According to all the studies I'm barely average (like 1/16 above minimum, which in the U.S. is between 5-6.5). It wrecked my self esteem. I still do PE, but focus on the health benefit as opposed to growing it. back to the present, In the month I've been fooling around with her I've lost my morning wood (I usually masturbate in the morning) and rely on her almost entirely for a below average erection. This lead to me doing an experiment. I timed myself masturbating. With porn it took no more then 30 second; without porn but visualizing her and the things we've done about 8 minutes; without porn and focusing on sensation alone, doesn't even work. I can get a partial erection thats only good enough to grip but not really masturbate. Since I've gone without porn for a month I've noticed and increase in wanting to go out and be social while simultaneously having anxiety when in those situations (like events or bars, these places didn't bother me before). I plan on giving a weekly update to keep me honest. I'll also try to put all this into a semi-measurable system because one thing I've learned is seeing the trends is the easiest way to make progress.
 

mark098i

Member
I know I said I'd do a weekly update, but there's been a development. I'm going to rate my erections on a scale of 1 to 5. 1 is flat line, 2 is engorged but less then 50%, 3 is 50% but less then 75%, 4 is erect enough to masturbate, and 5 is 100%. I had morning wood today at a 4. I also started shivering and am starting to lose my appetite. I've developed intense sugar cravings, high energy, and my social urges are more intense. I've been taking cold showers to stop the shivers. I already do intermittent fasting and exercise regularly.
 

mark098i

Member
Today is day 3 of my official count. I've been flat lined all day. I'm still highly energetic and craving social interaction. I starter reaching out to people but everyone is busy until the weekend. People are starting to notice changes in my personality. They said I'm less of a dick (pun intended
 

mark098i

Member
Day 4 of the official count. The stress from all this energy is causing me to break out. I haven't had this many pimples since high school. Today I've been a cocktail of emotions. This morning I was supper depressed, which turned into anger, which then faded. I had to drive to one of our other locations for work (only 10 miles away) and I can say for the first time that I can remember I was genuinely happy for no reason. I took a few back roads so it was a little scenic and it was amazing. Last night was the first night in about 20 years I lost control of my dreams (I used to have nightmares as a kid so I learned to control/influence them), that freaked me out. I'm still in the flat line. I've also noticed that some of my other compulsive habits have pretty much vanished (online shopping mostly). I started visiting a little nature preserve by my work. It only has about three miles worth of trails and they use it mostly for field trips, but it has been my little paradise (or as much as a swamp can be). I'm becoming that stereo typical blonde everyone makes fun of. The high energy and brain fog are making things interesting. My sense of humor is changing too. It relies less on laughing at people and more laughing with them. It isn't as perverted or offensive. As happy as I am seeing all these changes so suddenly (almost a month in a half really), it's got me scared shitless. I'm going from the pillar everyone relies on when they need emotional support, to I can't even control my own emotions. It's making me realize that this is what I've been missing in my life. It's the reason I've always been bored and content.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 5. This whole flat line thing is super discouraging. I know it works, but I can't get it to do anything. I've never had to be stimulated by just my senses so I started letting my shower head massage it just to prove it still works. I know To much information. I've never had to deal with all of these emotions and insecurities all at once. I've been keeping another journal where I'm just exploring myself in it. I'm a philosopher and writer in my spare time and I subscribe to  the Philosophy that the only thing we can truly know is ourselves. Usually when you talk to yourself you're crazy, but this has been super therapeutic. I started to telling one of my friends about my emotional state hoping to use her as a sounding boared, but that didn't go well when i mentioned all of these changes were most likely from giving up porn. She laughed, as she her self is an avid porn user. I'm still super positive with little moments of other emotions. I lost control of my dreams again and I'm glad I did as it showed me a lot about myself. I've been doing really go about being active when I start to get bored. I keep my laptop in the family office now to after I watched all of gabes videos and I took the penny whistle (basically a 6 holed recorder) back up.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 6. I HAD MW!!! My main problem is boredom. I've been working a lot these past couple of days and it's starting to annoy me. I want to enjoy my life and not slave away at work for people who don't appreciate me. I'm still going crazy but it's getting better.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 7 and 8. It's been pretty easy going. I'm getting MW every couple days. I know it's all a roller coaster. I'm stating to be more interested in real women and while I still oogle a bit I'm starting to look at other things like how they smile and all the details that goes into getting dolled up. I've been going out every day just to be around people. I'm still positive.
 

21zo

Member
Making it through the first week is the hardest part about reebooting IMO.  After the first week the temptations reduce and get easier to deal with.  Just dont let your guard down, one moment of weekness can ruin everything and you will start to make excuses on why you should watch again.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 12 (I think). I've been working like crazy. I have way to much free time and am starting to run out of things to do. I've leveled out emotionally and I'm not as amped up but I still get a build up of energy if I'm not physically active. I've been looking for a hobby but nothing is sticking.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 14. I'm doing good. I'm not craving sugar anymore. I talked one of my friends into letting me hang out with them this weekend. I had a reputation as being anti social. This is big for me since I want to be social.
 

mark098i

Member
Day 15. I'm getting MW pretty regularly. I still can't get it up anywhere else but my bed. I used to use a toy every few months without P and I wanted to see if I wont respond to it away from my bed. It's been almost two years since I used but I got it up and kept it up for about 15 mins. I didn't MO with it. I read somewhere that if you M in a manner that mimics sex it could help with the recovery. What are your thoughts on that? I am aware that if you M to much during recovery, you will trade one form of ED for another. I have been trying to get it up in other rooms standing up, but I'm only getting 50% at best and it's pretty inconsistent. 
 

mark098i

Member
I've decided I'm not going to keep track of how many days it's been since I PMO. I don't have any real desire to watch. P was really just a way to fill in the boredom. I've been super active, going out three days a week to socialize. I'm pretty happy with myself so far. giving up P has really curved my addictive behavior. Last night I've been drinking responsibly, as opposed to my usual blacking out. This has been a pretty great experience. all the ups and downs are really sobering and show you a lot about yourself.
 

mark098i

Member
I almost broke and watched. I got super bored last night. I've been keeping busy by working and going to the bar. I met quite a few women wednsday so I'm going back tonight to try my luck again. This has really been one of the oddest experiences of my life.
 

mark098i

Member
Being social is way more enjoyable and less burdensome. I'm loving it. Boredom is still a huge huge problem. I've been going to the bar by my house about 4 days a week. That's the biggest problem with this whole journey.
 

mark098i

Member
I'm making it a point to talk to women. I'm getting wood in general more frequently. I've taken up making wooden fishing lures as a way to keep busy when I don't go out. I honestly never realized how occupied I was with P.
 

mark098i

Member
Since Ive become more social, I took a break from the girl I was with. I've been P free for almost three months. I'm proud of myself. I'm going to see her Tuesday hopefully. I'm getting MW and can get it up most of the time but I don't know how it'll respond to a real woman. I hope I can stay out of my head and keep from getting psyched out. I'd be more embarrassed telling her why it's not working then having it not work. I've MO a couple of times and it took awhile to finish. I'm somewhere between a flatline and a healthy libido. I've met a few women going out to bars. Tuesday will be a good proving ground to see where I'm at and how far I can go with a woman. I'm nervous about this if I'm being honest.
 

mark098i

Member
Its been almost three months and im still P free. my new goal is to have a wet dream. I've been MO every now and then. It's a little difficult to get a handle on my horniness as I'm on a diet that keeps my testosterone pretty high (I do powerlifting). It's going to be rough. I've been keeping busy but no matter how busy I am I still manage to have a sizable amount of free time. I'm running out of things to keep me occupied.
 

mark098i

Member
Yesterday was pretty good. The girl that sort of sparked all this came over yesterday. We watched harry potter and by the end we were making out. I'm definitely making progress because I got hard the moment our lips met, and not any of this limp pecker covered in precum business. I've noticed I flatline after I MO and since I haven't in almost a week it's much easier to get it up. I can't wait until my body and mind are on the same page.
 

mark098i

Member
All of these changes are burning me out. I'm looking forward to my vacation tomorrow. I've been partying pretty hard all March long and when I get back I'm going to cut back to maybe one night a week. I've been a mess and have been trying to open up to people. I'm going to start training again when I get back. I've been half assly lifting this month and I think I've found my fire. It's time to get back on track and put on muscle mass and strength.
 
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