Changing my life for the better

So I decided to start a journal. Already a couple of weeks into my reboot. Here is some background info on myself.

Turned 29 last month.. and boy do I feel like an old man! Regardless, Porn has been in my life as long as I can remember. I pretty much grew up during the dawn of high speed internet, gaming and the explosion of information at your finger tips. During all those years, I would date women here and there, but could never finish with a climax for myself. Part of me inside knew it was because of years of masturbating to porn, and my body just becoming used to my hand and hand alone to get off. However, it was during the time of realizing what was happening, that I picked up a nasty drug addiction that lasted 3-4 years. Thankfully, I was able to kick that habit, and now have 6-7 years clean. Cleaning up my life really gave me good skills in being able to negotiate potentially threatening situations. I should have figured it out years ago though that my porn use was pretty much identical to my drug use. I just never put the two together like that... until what happened about 2 weeks ago.

So I met this absolutely GORGEOUS girl. 19 years old.. I know,, huge age gap.. but its fun, she makes me feel young and like I'm in college again. Plus she is pretty mature for her age. Tall, hour glass figure, absolutely cute face. Well, when we decide to have sex for the first time.. the nightmare scenario happened. Whatever boner I was able to get up, pretty much died when I put on the condom. I have never felt so ashamed in my life.. because with previous women, I could get rock hard, and go for hours.. even though I couldn't finish.. I was more pressured to please the women than myself.

Thankfully, this girl is amazing, and we tried again.. albeit, I got prescribed viagra, and it made getting an erection really easy. Although still, I couldn't orgasm. So, it was really failing to get an erection the first time we had sex made me know I had to quit porn for good. The masturbating feels neccessary to abstain from, so I can train my mind/body that more than just a hand can get me off.

So this being DAY 19 for me.. I don't think I've really hit a flatline at all. No strong urges to view porn.. although I occassionally feel like I need to release, because I haven't orgasmed in 19 days, which is insane to think about.. I probably haven't gone that long since I was in my late teens. Last night, I woke up several times with a massive hard on. Also, at work, I occassionally get an erection thinking about this girl. I consider these all good things, as I'm being turned on naturally, and not by viewing porn.

The next time I'm going to get some private alone time with this girl is during Thanksgiving break. I plan on not using viagra, but I am scared about me not being able to perform without it, and I def don't want to let myself become dependent on the meds. We will see I guess.

FIRST STREAK -DAY 20

So I had what I consider a small little milestone at work today. In the previous days, I would get boners thinking about the girl I'm dating, but it was just random horniness when she popped into my head.. Today however, I may have done what some consider 'risky', but I actively fantasized about her, and what I might like to do the next time we have sex.. Or more like, what 'she' might like to do, as she has told me how she likes it. She told me she has never been able to really be fulfilled sexually by a guy, because as I'm learning more about her, she has come out to me as a masochist. So the moment at work I'm talking about kind of revolved around knowing she is into that, and what we might do together. Fantasizing like this pretty much got me rock hard in like 10 seconds, which was pretty amazing. I don't think I ever got turned on so hard by just my thoughts alone in I dont remember when.

This being my first reboot, and pretty much starting to date this girl RIGHT when I started the reboot is really an x factor. If I wasn't seeing her, I'm sure this reboot would be going much tougher, but in all honestly, it has been a walk in the park. Plus, I should probably be thankful that this girl came into my life, but even though I'm doing this reboot FOR ME now, it was knowing I was going out on our first date that made me quit porn. Due to the fact that I couldn't climax with previous partners, I wanted to prepare myself for what was possible with her. Plus, just knowing that sex is going to happen somewhat regularly, whether it be days or weeks away (as long as our relationship is as good as it is now) really keeps unnatural impure thoughts at bay.

This is all fine and dandy, but I need to be able to prepare myself to cope if and when this girl and I stop dating and hanging out. I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but right now, I'm enjoying taking this relationship slowly.. or as slowly as you can even though we had sex VERY quickly into our relationship, which does kind of make things tough. Part of me wants to 'play the field' just so I'm not dependent on this girl. Which I kind of feel bad saying, because I was never the type of guy who always need female attention. All my friends would pretty much hop from one girlfriend to the other, whereas I can go months and even years between girls. However, this newfound me of no pmo makes me want to try my hand at just meeting a lot of women and really learning more about relationships, and trying to find a meaningful one. Thats not to say something much more meaningful might happen with this girl, its just I want to prepare myself for a big let down with her down the road.

DAY 21

Well, today is the first day I'm feeling some pretty strong urges. I suppose to was bound to happen. I haven't O'd in 21 days, and today, I'm really feeling the need to 'get off.' It kind of just came on as I got home from work. I think I'm heading in a good direction though. My body is finally starting to tell my consciousness that I haven't blown a load in 3 weeks, and it wants to get that release NOW. I'm bigger than my baser animal instincts. I'm not going to give into this base desire all alone, in my room. If I'm going to O, its going to be with the girl I'm dating. Thats the goal, thats the reward. We might hang out this week, but I'm really just looking forward to Thanksgiving holiday, as I know we will have some alone time then.

I've been telling myself I need to start going on runs, but when I get home from work, its pretty much already getting dark out. I shouldn't use that as an excuse though. I have been doing pushups and light weight lifting, but really need to start throwing some cardio in there.

All in all though, so far so good. In terms of my 'aura' changing, I have noticed some girls making eye contact with me. Like if I look at them, they will already be looking directly at me. Its hard to say if this is because I haven't PMO'd in 3 weeks, or if its just me noticing it more now. Probably both I would guess.

DAY 25

Thank God its the weekend. So I didn't get a chance to hang out with the girl I'm seeing because she is sick, and sitting alone at home made the temptation to view porn a little more present in my memory. At least I'm getting out of the house soon to go hang out with friends and play some disc golf.

Its a little disapointing I guess, because the first few weeks were SO easy, and now thats been over 3 weeks, my brain is starting to tell myself "Hey you've done good, now you can have a little treat". Something along those lines.. Its tough to explain, but I know thats just the 'devil on my shoulder' speaking to me, and I know I'm above that.

So I'm really just looking forward to thanksgiving break to be able to get some more time with her.. until then.. just focus on being productive and working out. Overall though, my mood has been on the up and up. I am feeling a confidence boost having 3 weeks of no PMO. I visited my old job (Guitar Center) to kill some time, and connected again with a lot of my old co-workers, I also just jammed out on guitar, and I noticed this really attractive girl checking me out.. I think it was because 1. I am really good at guitar as I'm in a band (not to brag lol), and 2, all the co-workers wanted to come up to me to chit chat and shoot the shit so I guess it made me seem more 'interesting' ... I don't know.. I guess I'm saying I'm starting to notice the extra benefits of not fapping. So in the end, why go back to porn? Things are improving for me socially and emotionally.. why damage that?

elephantricity said:

DAY 25

Thank God its the weekend. So I didn't get a chance to hang out with the girl I'm seeing because she is sick, and sitting alone at home made the temptation to view porn a little more present in my memory. At least I'm getting out of the house soon to go hang out with friends and play some disc golf.

Its a little disapointing I guess, because the first few weeks were SO easy, and now thats been over 3 weeks, my brain is starting to tell myself "Hey you've done good, now you can have a little treat". Something along those lines.. Its tough to explain, but I know thats just the 'devil on my shoulder' speaking to me, and I know I'm above that.

So I'm really just looking forward to thanksgiving break to be able to get some more time with her.. until then.. just focus on being productive and working out. Overall though, my mood has been on the up and up. I am feeling a confidence boost having 3 weeks of no PMO. I visited my old job (Guitar Center) to kill some time, and connected again with a lot of my old co-workers, I also just jammed out on guitar, and I noticed this really attractive girl checking me out.. I think it was because 1. I am really good at guitar as I'm in a band (not to brag lol), and 2, all the co-workers wanted to come up to me to chit chat and shoot the shit so I guess it made me seem more 'interesting' ... I don't know.. I guess I'm saying I'm starting to notice the extra benefits of not fapping. So in the end, why go back to porn? Things are improving for me socially and emotionally.. why damage that?

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Hey! Congrats on starting a journal here and congrats on 25 days, thats awesome! Also, great that things are improving for you socially and emotionally! Looking forward to reading more about your progress. Cheers!

DAY 27

So things are going good. I went out to see that Thor movie last night with the girl I've been dating. I'm really start to feel a connection growing with her. I just felt so comfortable with her and found myself acting completely different from how the 'old me' would act. Just more laid back, relaxed, and jokey. It just felt so much easier to laugh at things and feel happy. It was also really cold outside when the movie was over so she like snuggled up to me as we walked and it was nice just to walk with her, old hands, and just be really close physically and emotionally to someone.

Only have to work 2 days this week, and I get the rest off for thanksgiving. She is going up to visit her grandparents with her mom on thanksgiving in LA, and she said she wants to come back sooner on Friday by taking the train back to San Diego to see me. I told her if she is enjoying herself in LA she should just stay up there, but the fact she wants to come back alone, on a train makes me feel like I'm starting to grow in importance to her.

Only negative thing the past few nights were having trouble sleeping.. Not having trouble getting to sleep, but I find myself waking up several times in the middle of the night.. Which is strange because I NEVER had that problem before I started my reboot. Its kind of annoying, but not the worst thing in the world.

DAY 29

So I was done with work yesterday for the week, so I'm going to have some free time away from work which is nice. Gives me time to work on some music for my band, and also get some good exercise in.

After work yesterday, the girl I'm seeing spent the night. Overall, it was really great. We ended up having sex several times, and I have no issues now maintaining an erection for an acceptable amount of time which is GREAT. I don't need the viagra anymore which is great, because I didn't want to stay on it for very long, it was really just a temporary thing while we were still early in our relationship just so I could perform for her. Its a big weight off my shoulders knowing I don't really need to stress out regarding whether or not I'm going to be able to get erections with her. So no PMO outside of sex within 29 days as already at least treated one of my symptoms of porn addiction which was getting an erection. However, I DO still have DE. Sensitivity during sex for me is still an issue. It feels great, but it just doesn't push me to where I need to get in order to orgasm. Its definitely NOT because I'm not turned on, because I obviously am, its just the stimulation I've been used to for so long isn't being used, so I can't orgasm. A symptom of not having O'd in almost 30 days though had made me VERY wet. Like during sex, I would practically be dripping, which has never happened to me before to such an extent, and I know its just because I haven't came in almost a month.

All in all, I KNOW I'm heading the right course, as one of my problems has been fixed, it just might take a little longer for me to accomplish that other goal of being able to climax with this girl, but I know the wait is going to be worth it.

Happy Thanksgiving Tomorrow Everyone.

Keep going. I'll give the cold shower thing a try. You are not alone.

DAY 1

First and LAST relapse! 

So Thanksgiving was definitely the trigger. I had a little to much scotch, and when I got home from my aunts house for thanksgiving, I pretty much lost it from thinking about porn and what do you know, I ended up looking at porn. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to deal with a relapse, but in a certain way, I'm kind of glad I did. It reinforces in me the fact that this is all mental/biological. It was INSANE viewing porn for the first time in 30 days. I pretty much got rock hard immediately, I almost o'd without even touching myself. All I basically had to do was poke my little guy, and I o'd. This is an EXTREMELY important moment for me. My body was just conditioned to go off at the site of porn and I know I need to break the habit and make myself get turned on in the same way with the girl I'm with. It also tells me that 'sensitivity' isn't really an issue for me, because my body was able to O without any heavy physical stimulation, which is what I thought I needed to orgasm. Well thats not that case, its all a state of mind and my state of arousal.

What I experienced yesterday with porn is something I will NEVER let myself do again. I'm not going to beat myself over it, because I know relapse is normal, hell, I relapsed many times with drugs in the past. But my first 30 days were actually pretty easy until I ingested a little much alcohol yesterday. So I know thats a trigger for me in terms of viewing porn. No more alcohol if I'm going to be alone.

All of this just confirms the diagnosis of DE and PIED. After going 30 days without an O, I wasn't sure if I would be able to ever again by not watching porn, but I know its built in, it just needs to be triggered in the right way, NOT WITH PORN.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving yesterday!

DAY 3

So yeah the chaser effect is real. But now that I got through 2 days Im feeling better regarding staving off wanting to view porn. But yeah my libido is like on overdrive right now. I think having my first relapse caused my body to think its just going to go back to the way it was or something. I am directing these horny thoughts towards my girl though and not porn. Thinking about her just makes me so freaking horny, its great. Even though I had my relapse, I feel kind of good right now. I dont remember feeling like this during my first reboot. Its hard to say why Im feeling this way. Maybe when I get to a week of no PMO again Ill hit a flatline. Because the first time around, I didnt feel like I was in a flatline, but at the same time, I defintely wasnt as horny as I am now, nor was I getting at many boners out in the wild. I just dont know. This is all new for me. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Regardless, I think Im beginning to fall for this girl. Maybe that explains the horniness and not the relapse? Hard to say at this point... need more time clean.

Day 4.

So my libido has gone WAY down since yesterday. While I was getting boners several times at the office yesterday, today they are non-existent. I have to think this has something to do with my relapse. Because its not like Ive been thinking about my girl less or anything like that, so Im just not sure.

Ive been super motivated though to start making positive changes in my life since I first started this journey last month. I cut out soda, which for me is a big deal, because my father worked for Coca Cola, so it was always in the house. I also had quite the addiction to surgary star bucks drinks, which Im going to stop buying. I very recently also quit smoking, which I think is going to be a huge benefit in terms of wanting exercise. A lot of this motivation also stems from dating a girl Im 11 years older than. She just embodies youth and fertility, while Im steadily approaching 30 and cant act and eat the same way I did in my mid 20s.

Starting the journey to stop viewing porn is reallly making me discover that I want to become a different person then the person I was 1 month ago. Not because of my porn use specifically, but for so many other reasons.

Day5

Its still early in the day while Im writing this on my cell phone. Woke up in the middle of the night to very graphic sexual dreams. Definitely not proud of them but its kind of out of my control. Didnt experience dreams like this during the first week of my first streak, or really at all for that matter. Then again, Im the type of person who rarely remembers my dreams.

Anyways, I decided to put a cost list together of how much money Im now going to save by not buying cigs or starbucks anymore. Turned out Id be saving ~2,600 a year. So thats nice lol. But yeah it was like a 48 dollar a week habit Im more than willing to let go at this point.

Well my body hurts from running and working out, and I love it. No urges to view P last night either. Also something else I noticed, when I hit 30 days on my first streak, it landed on thanksgiving and I relapsed. When I hit 30 days this time around, it will be Christmas.. good to know, because now if I see or feel the urge to view P  coming, I will be ready to combat it.

You are saving 48 bucks a week.
Wow.
You can buy iPhone x now.
And buy bicycle too.

DAY 7

I don't like this...

Haven't had any urges to view P which is good, and I've felt more motivated than I have in years to better my mind and body. I even loss 4.5 pounds this week from exercise and eating less, and it wasn't that hard lol. However, I don't like being lonely. Which I feel freaking stupid saying. Because I have a girl I'm hanging out with and its been great. I think its just that its been years since I had any sort of meaningful relationship with a woman. I think I used porn use as a substitute from actually putting effort in and meeting women in real life. I was never socially awkward or anti-social, but I was never like the rest of my guy friends who ALWAYS need real female attachment. I was the kind of guy who let women come into my life if THEY took the initiative and not me, which to say the least, wasn't very often. Well this girl is the first one in years I myself put the effort in to approach, flirt with, and eventually ask out.. and its been GREAT so far. Even still, I feel like I'm being a man baby right now because its only been a week since we have hung out, but its the longest time we have been apart since we started dating about a month and a half ago.

I feel like I'm rerouting my old attachment to porn and projecting it on to her in some way, which I fucking hate. What is the point of getting off porn, to only put all that attention on someone else who doesn't need that shit? I haven't been 'needy' or anything like that, as I'm above letting myself do that to her, but I'm being purposefully distant, because I don't want to feel like I want to push things forward this early. Although I've never had sex SUPER early in a relationship, and either not cut it off, or it turn into something more meaningful relatively quick. I feel like she isn't jumping at the opportunity to be 'together' either, so I'm definitely holding back. Or maybe she doesn't want to scare ME off.. I just don't know. I get the feeling she really likes hanging out with me, but this week we went from talking like every other day, to nothing all week. So I think that change of pace has made me feel anxious a bit, but I know its just me overthinking and projecting my own negative thoughts onto situations where its pointless to do so.

I guess the thing I fear is losing that female companionship, even if its only friends with benefits right now, and then going back to porn due to not getting that attention and affection. But I know thats something I have to prepare for. The wild card is the fact I started dating this girl 2 days after I decided to quit porn. So the role she plays in this whole rebooting thing is pretty integral right now. I just need to give myself the tools to be able to handle whatever situation arises.

DAY 8.

Definitely in a flat line. During my first streak, I don't think I really hit one because I was having this new awesome relationship. This time around though in my 2nd streak, I feel like my masculine energy is kind of sapped. Not so much socially, but just internally, plus my 'little guy' has just been a shriveled shell of what it had been the previous month or so.

I was really contemplating the connection/relationship I have with this girl, and why I was getting down and feeling lonely. It was because I want her attention and affection. Someone said something though that really helped me put things into perspective. "Why let someone have power over you." It seems like common sense advice, but actually practicing that mindset has made me feel much better emotionally. Never let someone else, control your emotions, you want to be in control of your emotions. Porn has had control over most of us on this forum, and now we are seeing what its like to have freedom in our lives, and learning how to live again. My mantra going forward is not letting anyone or anything have power over me. I have the free will and ambition to make my own way.

A positive that happened today, I went to a new coffee shop. Lots of young attractive women working there, and it was so easy to strike up conversations and keeping eye contact and being respectful. One of them asked me "What are you doing today?" Which to me is usually an opening to set up a date at another time. I told her I had band practice, which I do. But this 'opening' came to me, and not the other way around. Maybe the 'super powers' a real? lol  : But yeah, I didn't pursue a date, but I feel like the opening is there should I decide to try at another date. We will see.

DAY 11


I have felt pretty good today. I have been super productive outside of work the past week. Writing music for the band, went on 3 runs all over 2 miles, and eating healthier.

I swear, quitting porn has given me this boost of ambition. The only negatives have been emotional over the girl Im dating. Going years without female affection has caused me to have to relearn how to control my emotions and be rational with female relationships. I've been checking myself if I think negative thoughts and really just focusing on and realizing, my life is SOO much better compared to when I started this journey almost a month and a half ago. It actually is like being reborn, or discovering oneself.

I got over substance abuse, which was a great achievement, but it never gave me the motivation and ambition I have now from quitting porn.

That's awesome that you've gotten a huge boost of motivation without pornography! It's inspiring hearing that from someone else, let's put this addiction in the past. Keep it up bro.

I got over substance abuse, which was a great achievement, but it never gave me the motivation and ambition I have now from quitting porn.

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I find that absolutely incredible man. Yeah I'm constantly amazed at how much better my life has been after quitting P, something I didn't even know was harming me. Hands down quitting P has made the greatest impact on my life in the shortest amount of time compared to all other attempts at 'self-improvement' I've made (and that includes exercise, quitting my daily weed habit, meditation, etc).

What substance was it, if you don't mind me asking?

sleepking69 said:

I got over substance abuse, which was a great achievement, but it never gave me the motivation and ambition I have now from quitting porn.

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I find that absolutely incredible man. Yeah I'm constantly amazed at how much better my life has been after quitting P, something I didn't even know was harming me. Hands down quitting P has made the greatest impact on my life in the shortest amount of time compared to all other attempts at 'self-improvement' I've made (and that includes exercise, quitting my daily weed habit, meditation, etc).

What substance was it, if you don't mind me asking?

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It was a mix of everything from high school into college, but what sent me over the edge was opiates, i.e. heroin. The hardest drug of all to kick. Quitting a narcotic is much like quitting porn. Your brain has to rewire its neural pathways in order to feel 'normal' again after heavy drug abuse. My therapist said for heroin, its typically takes a minimum of 3 years before people start to feel happy naturally again after quitting (hence why its so hard to quit for good). I have around 6-7 years clean and it definitely took years to start feeling like a person again.. It only took a month off porn to do the same thing!

can anyone help me out of prone masturbation technique its hell addictive.PLEASE can anybody help me