I'm on my way!

KW1989KW

Active Member
Well, I decided to start a journal just to keep up with how I am feeling from time to time through this process. I'd also like to shed some light on my day to day practices in hope to help someone else. And I feel the support on here is both awesome and encouraging.


I'll first off tell you my story to bring some light to my issue. I am 27 years old and "was" dealing with all of the issues porn does to someone and the dopamine high which as stated in many of your posts is the reason we keep watching and doing. Because of the high!!

I started watching P when I was younger around 13-14. The internet at my house was readily available when I needed it. I was on and off of it for a while never watching more than a few times a week. This lasted up until I got my first real girlfriend at 18. I stopped watching all together because I felt as if it was wrong while dating someone. It was not hard for me to stop due to having a GF that basically took care of all the wants sexually. I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it and I was sexually active and okay. No issue down South to speak of. We eventually broke up and I started dating someone else. My ex's best friend. Long story that we don't need to get into.

From there I dated this girl for 6 years. We were meant to be with each other at the time. We were both very happy, sexually active, no issues at the beginning down South and we genuinely loved each other. She went to college 5 hours away and we maintained our relationship through the entire 6 years she was away and back again for the Summers. This is where some of my problems started. I started watching P again in the time I spent away from her. I felt I needed something so I resorted to P. I saw her MAYBE 2 times a month. When I would see her I knew I was excited, but something was starting to become a problem. I noticed I was not getting aroused as easily as I was before and that I was not lasting as long. I figured it was just stress and the added stress of knowing I was leaving her again to go home. I didn't worry about it. I proceeded to watch P in the weeks I didn't see her. My issue got worse. I distinctively remember a time where we were trying to make love and I couldn't. She got really upset and cried and thought I didn't love her anymore. (Which was not the case at all). I didn't know what to do. I told her I had an issue from the passed that I thought may have been contributing to my problem.

Flash back to high school while at a summer camp. I was with a bunch of friends and not friends. The not friends (Bullies) thought it would be funny to kick me down South and laugh as I laid on the ground in agony and pain. My actual friends stood up for me which I am grateful for. The one kid is still my friend to this day. Well let's just say this caused me some issues. One of my men was badly hurt. I lived with it for a while, went to a Dr. and went on with my life. Thought there were no issues and was told there were no issues.

Back to my GF of 6 years...... After seeing Dr. after Dr. and telling them about my issues (ED, DE, Etc...) I was told day in and day out that I had no issue that I was having issues with confidence. They said I would get over it. Well, fast forward a few more years and I continued to watch P thinking this would help with what I thought was a confidence issue and was told was a confidence issue. My GF and I barely made love at this point. I was frustrated, she was frustrated and it all started to go downhill fast. I knew I loved her, but also thought my ED was a sign telling me I didn't anymore. (VERY SAD). We broke up and parted ways. This was probably the worst I had ever felt in life. I felt I had issues down South for the rest of my life, my GF of 6 years just broke up with me and I knew I was depressed.

From there several things went through my head: 1) I need to get my "Men" fixed after being kicked 2) Needed to talk to a therapist 3) Needed to get on with life and find myself a new GF. I went on to getting a procedure to fix scar tissue etc.... I won't go into details. Started to talk to a therapist and started looking for a GF. After my procedure I didn't want to go anywhere near my "Men". I was afraid. I spoke to another Dr. and he said to become comfortable you need to MO yourself and PMO..... Well this became a routine. I did this to finally feel comfortable and didn't stop again. Just like when I was with my GF at the time of 6 years.

I then started dating this girl that was absolutely a catch. Down to earth and pretty. We met while dancing at a country bar. We hit it off and started to become intimate. It went down hill fast. I couldn't do anything again. I thought, "Ok you are just getting acclimated to feeling comfortable around someone again after all of my issues." We tried again and I failed again. She was extremely thoughtful and caring and said she would help me through it, but something felt off for me. I thought I didn't like her because I couldn't get aroused. So I broke up with her. :(

I went on for three years dating and not dating. PMO'ing and not PMO'ing. After dating about 15 girls I had found someone I really connected to again. At this time about 2 months ago I had stopped PMO'ing and kept MO'ing. I didn't want to watch porn while starting this relationship. This girl and I would go out and I would feel this sensation down South. In my head I was like finally I am feeling better. I'd kiss her and I'd feel something down South. I'd sleep next to her and Boom all night erection. It wasn't until the night we became intimate that my issue arose again.... I couldn't perform. I was devastated and so was she. I couldn't look at her, couldn't talk to her, couldn't say anything. I was embarrassed. That's when I said that's it I am going to the Urologist and talking to them one last time to figure this out once and for all. He told me that he would prescribe me Viagra to boost my anxiety and confidence. I said I need more answers that this wasn't going to do it. I told him I wanted to talk to the best sex therapist around and that I was more than serious and exhausted of thinking about my issue anymore.

This is where my life finally changed. I spoke to my therapist and she asked me right off the bat if I watched P. I said yes I did on and off for years. She was like watch the youtube video YBOP and lets talk the week after. After I watched this I found YBOP.com and I was almost in tears because I finally found my issue. FINALLY!!! That next week after researching and reading and watching the videos both YBOP.com and Rebootnation provided I told her I am on the mend to being the best I can be from here out. (The Reboot) The day I watched that video I completely stopped MO'ing and said I will never look at P again all cold turkey. No more!!! I started a workout routine, I meditate everyday, I am eating and cooking healthy food, I quit my e-cig, I started reading, have been on YBOP and Rebootnation everyday to keep me inspired and I was adamant about changing my life because I wanted this girl and I wanted to be a better me. (Grant it I have had a really good job in construction, own my own landscape business, bought my own house, donate my time to a non-for profit and have a lot of hobbies) I just wanted to be better on the inside and in bed!!! Huge goal for me since I haven't made love in a long time.

Want to know something scary, after years of going to Doctors and therapists no one even mentioned anything about P until this year. NO ONE. I thought it was a normal part of life and that everyone did it. So I made it a point to tell my brother, my dad, my best friends and even a couple of my close coworkers about YBOP and to watch it. My friend last night texted me, and let me tell you, this guy is all about P and MO and PMO and has a very steady GF. He said to me "You know, after you told me about your issue and YBOP and not PMO'ing/ MO'ing I am stopping today! You got in my head to stop." This made me feel amazing because here's a guy that has no issue sexually with his GF because he makes it known and has no issue with P just stop all together. I feel I made a difference. Thanks you you and YBOP.

So I sat my GF down as soon as I found out and told her my entire story from front to back and back to front. She understood and was willing to help. Well she became distant and quiet about everything. I asked her if she was okay and she said that she was just overwhelmed and needed a bit of space. I respected her request and told her that I am here to talk about anything and that I will give her the space she needs because she meant something to me. Needless to say it has been just around 34 days since I told her about my issues and she is still here. Not quite the same, but we are working on our sexual side of things as I progress.

I am 37 days into my Reboot from any MO'ing and closer to 70 something days without any P. I have stuck to my routine and love every minute of it. I am feeling stronger, more attuned to my surroundings, smarter, more calm, more focused and driven than I have ever felt. So with that being said I am waiting patiently for my "Men" to start working properly again.

So I will start with how I am feeling today (Day 37)! After feeling like I was in a flatline for a couple weeks something happened on Sunday that I knew was a sign I was getting better. Hopped out of the shower stood in front of the mirror (I will say looking good after working out since 37 days ago) and I had gotten a text from my GF just saying "hello!". Instantly my men perked up and wouldn't you know.....a full on erection. No touch, no tease, no nothing. Just the plain thought of her saying hello. Let's just say I was the happiest I had been in quite some time. For years an erection was just another part of the day and that was after forcing them to work. NOW.....After 37 days of doing nothing..... this erection was something "I needed" to show me I was doing something right. I cannot wait for this to happen again, only with my GF!

So on to 38 days of bettering myself. I couldn't believe it at first when starting, but I am turning into a believer let me tell you.

Good luck to you all and I'll TTY tomorrow.

Best,

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
(Day 38)  :D

I will say, I have had the most vivid dreams I have had in a long time the past couple weeks. I can actually remember what I dreamed about. You know those dreams where you wake up thinking it was real life!!?? Yeah, that kind of dream. I will also say the morning wood has been unbelievable. Almost dream worthy unbelievable. Often waking me up at 2, 4, 5 in the morning. I have been good to not do anything, but leave him alone. Maybe a random touch here or there, but absolutely no MO'ing. I am in this for the long haul.

One thing I have noticed over the last 2 weeks and I'm wondering if this is the same with anyone else; my mornings are often fantastic feeling rested and relaxed, but as the day goes on just around 2 PM I get extremely anxious. My anxiety goes out the roof and I literally have to leave my desk and stand somewhere quiet for 10 minutes to cool down. Thoughts of my GF often trigger it. (Not hearing from her all day etc.) Work is also stressful so that plays a lot into it, but damn..... Anyone else going through this????

At least I know I have an entire house of floors to rip out tonight that will keep my mind at rest and focused on DEMO DAY!! Bring on the muscles!

Best,

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
(Day 39)

Holy hornyness.......(Sorry if this is extremely upfront, but...) I feel like I'm back in high school hiding my wood under my belt!  ;D  I was up most of the night with on and off dreams of my GF. I now know what people were talking about when they said it is extremely hard to resist doing anything. But I resisted and I won. Persevere and you will succeed!!!

What did I do to stop myself.... Cold shower!!! It really works and wakes you up brrrrr. Also, I reminded myself of how upset I would be if I did anything. That got me through it the most. I will also say this, I have had no thoughts of watching P just thoughts of my GF. This is a huge step for me and makes me one happy camper. Speaking of which, I need to set up a camping trip.

Also, Summers around the bend folks. What better time than now to re-find ourselves, get in shape, be healthy and just finally enjoy life with an awesome sex life. (Hopefully sooner than later. I'll be patient though.)

Have a good day all,

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
RING THE BELL!!! 40 days today.

I didn't realize it until I looked at my calendar of progress. Started a dot graph the first day and man does it show progress. I will say this is the longest I have ever not watched P or M'ed or MO'ed. Huge accomplishment I feel. What's even better, I don't even think about watching P. Doesn't even cross my mind to look. I will say I fought a lot of urges yesterday to MO, but didn't. I feel proud of that.

After a long day yesterday at work I had a concert to go to with my GF. I had two hours to spare...... so instead of what I used to do (Jump on the computer and MO to P), I worked out. Starting to see results and it's making me feel fantastic. Not to mention when the GF sees my results how could she not resist me. Hopefully.... HAHA. BTW the concert went well. My men below reacted to a simple kiss from the GF yesterday. Progress, progress, progress. It's working.

A couple things I encountered yesterday:

1) I caught myself teasing myself a bit to get an erection. I was so excited he was working that I couldn't resist. But I stopped and carried on with my day. How did I stop you ask??? I got up and walked around the office. I knew if I did this, it took away the urge to tease and I didn't want to be seen with a B walking around the office. HAHA

2) My time alone or "spare time" has been focused to something else other than P. THIS IS KEY TO SUCCESS. Motivate yourself to do something physical (workout, run, walk, hike, play a sport). This not only takes your mind off P and MO'ing, it also makes you feel good about yourself. Builds confidence!!! The ladies will notice too. Just saying.

3) When I was with my GF, instead of thinking about sex with her (Which made me nervous and the anxiety usually kicks in), I focused on simple things. What she was wearing, how she smelled (Perfume), her eyes, her laugh, a simple touch, etc..... This made me want her in a much different way.

So, on to the day. Let the good times roll.

Best,

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Had to post while sitting here at work. Holy horny! A random thought of my GF came up and boom, there he is.

I also want to note that last night I had gotten one of the biggest and hardest erections I have ever experience. Almost... like I could knock down a brick wall with him HARD. Something happened that was weird to me and am now wondering if anyone else went through something similar. I didn't rub or tease, but I felt like I had a whole body O without any "you know what"?!? Could this be the dopamine levels messing with my brain to get me to do something or is this a sign that my libido and want for the real thing is really coming back? I had no thoughts of P whatsoever just thoughts of my GF.

Anyone experience something similar? Please chime in!

Thanks!!
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
(Day 44)

Well unfortunately the weekend was not the best. Although, I did get a lot done on my home remodel and I am doing great with the reboot. No problems there at all. I feel I am making progress with my workout routine and my reboot routine. P memories seem to be fading dramatically. The only P scenes I can recall are from when I first started to watch P back when I was younger. What's nice is those recollections don't make me want to do anything and definitely don't turn me on. So this is a huge step.

On to the worst part of the weekend....My GF decided we should part ways. She said she doesn't feel like we are friends enough to date or at least didn't know each other well enough to date yet??..... Not sure if that's just a way to keep a good guy around or what, but.... I can't help but feel that this had a lot to do with my issue I am resolving. I asked her about it and she obviously didn't say much about it. Basically left it at she liked me, but not as much as I liked her at the moment. (I'll take that as I must have made some good impression??!!) I feel like dating in our 20's is nothing like dating in our teens. HAHA

Couple of things I learned this weekend:

1) Rebooting is helping a lot. My memories of any P are fading, my urges to watch any P are gone (DON'T EXIST), my libido seems to be coming back slowly but surely and finding something to do with all of your free time is huge.

2) Despite the breakup I took a couple things from it:
-I was true to myself and didn't hide anything. I was honest and I communicated who I was and what I wanted. Before rebooting I don't think I would have sprung up the courage to really say anything about my issue. I took a more direct route into how I wanted to proceed with things with her and attribute that to rebooting.

3) A supportive friend group is key to survival! Without them, I would be lost!

And on we go!!!

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Something I have not stressed enough in my journal thus far is how important a therapist or psychiatrist is! They are people out side of your family and friend group that can't judge you about something. They listen and tell you things you never thought could even be true. I started going to one as soon as I started my reboot as I mentioned in my first journal post. They have such a different viewpoint on ways to get better and beat this addiction I never even knew was an addiction.

I was feeling awful today about my breakup and the constant up and down cycle the reboot takes you in. I called my psychiatrist and they got me in today. My mood went from a 4 to an 8 as I left that office. I'd say that's pretty good. And I got to talk about my reboot a bit and educate my psych about it. She was impressed.

Head up gents and ladies. Recovery is just around the bend. So is Spring!! And that means fishing!!!

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Had a bit of a rough day yesterday. Extremely emotional. Found myself getting upset about everything. Past relationships, what am I doing wrong, feeling down and the stress at work. I don't know if it is just the reboot or the breakup or a combination of both.....which is probably the case. Working on my house definitely distracted me from thinking too much about it. I have this sense of loneliness and have found it is pretty common when going through this reboot. So I will get my shit together and keep trucking on. Life's a bitch, but you need to keep moving forward!!

On the up side I got a text from a friend of mine yesterday saying she wanted to watch movies and cuddle. She is very attractive I will say, but I do not want to start a relationship with her. Maybe I will use this as a way to move forward and test my progress on the reboot!!!  :p What do you say guys and gals?? 

Anyway, off to the day. Hope everyone's sticking with their routine!!

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
51 Days strong

A lot of ups and downs I will say. Between the breakup and the reboot I feel this should be expected. On the plus side people have noticed a difference in me!!! My friends told me the other day I seem happier and more confident. Someone also noticed I have been working out. All in all I am feeling good about myself.

Also, I got two girls numbers yesterday!!! Feeling better about yourself and just exuding a little confidence attracts the ladies it seems! I'll call that a winning Sunday!

On to the next!

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
AHHHHH the mood swings. From happy to sad to happy to sad. It's killing me. I have this sense of loneliness and I can't break it. The thought that "I" messed up the relationship because of my issue is playing with my head. And not the head down South....HAHA. I have also found I am teasing myself a bit in the AM. I need to stop that.

Anyone have some words of encouragement? Could use some right about now.

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Today I am feeling much better. Thanks to some support and kind words from multiple people within my friend group and this forum. I will say this, this forum is one of the best things I have come across and I'm very thankful.

Few things learned the last few days:

1) DON'T TEASE!!!!! Find a way to stop and stop it! It will only help prevent you from MO'ing.

2) Support support support!!! This is huge. Replying to other forums is extremely helpful. For one, you get to make someone else feel better. Two, sometimes they respond with something that sparks a thought in your mind and you instantly feel better. I can't tell you how much it helps to know there are people going through the exact same thing. My mind is in a place of ease right now!

3) We all focus on the sex part and not the true meaning of why we are doing this. We are doing this to better ourselves mentally and physically! Once we feel better about who we are and are happy with it, we can share that happiness with someone who truly deserves it.

4) I have been looking at women much differently. Yes the thought crosses my mind that "OMG she's hot or beautiful", but when I talk to a woman, I am noticing the simple things. The smile, a laugh, a funny thing she does, the connection through just talking and the inner beauty of who she is. When you start to see that in someone.... YOU FEEL! I will be honest this happened to me when dating my now ex. She was not my type (And we all have "a type"), but as I got to know her I saw something and stopped focusing on "the type" and more on the qualities I saw in her. That is when you know you are doing something right.

Today is a good day. Stick with it people and start focusing on the simple things.

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Something I have realized over this process of rebooting is I have focused less and less on the days and more on the progress and feelings I am experiencing. The 90 day, 100 day, 120 day expectations weigh too heavily on our thoughts in how we are progressing. Some people take 30 days, some take 90 days and some take longer. The day count shouldn't matter. Your progress should. It's like weight lifting. If you go into the gym on the first day and think you are going to curl 50lbs right off the bat....you're wrong. It takes time, conditioning, strength training and constant motivation to get you to that point. Now translate that into this reboot. Focus on the progress you've made and make that what counts.

I just look forward to the day I can be successful with a woman I care about.

Just my thought of the morning.

ImOnMyWay
 

Dfletch07

Member
Couldn't of said it better. The day counter can also set unmet expectations upon ourselves too if we aren't careful. Those are guidelines on an average from what others have demonstrated along their journey. Hopefully everyone recovers quicker than that, but there are also others that will take longer.

I always enjoy the metaphor of which "wolf" you feed in life for a given scenario. In our situation... we have a fat, greedy, strong, and powerful wolf (Porn) that we have uncontrollably fed for years. It is time we feed the other wolf (Tolerance/Discipline/Willpower) and give ourselves a fighting chance to balance everything out in life. Life requires a balance, but one can no longer ignore the facts of the situation and must  recognize "what is and what will become" if left untreated.

Enjoy the day, positive vibes your way
-D
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Dfletch07 - I like your analogy of the "Wolf". Absolutely makes sense!

Yesterday throughout the day was great. Overall motivation at work was good, thoughts were good, attitude was good! It wasn't until I got home that a sense of loneliness hit. I tried everything from meditating to working out and when both of those didn't work I left and went to a friends house. This allowed me to relax and vent which in the end made me feel better.

Something I learned in this situation: I knew I was in a bad state of mind so instead of my old habits of watching P to make me feel better, I focused my time in something else. When that didn't work I removed myself from the situation preventing myself from any relapse. I take this as a step in the right direction and will continue to focus my time on something else when feeling down or upset.

Hope you all have a great Friday.

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Had one of those moments today where the erection was so intense it hurt for a moment (TWICE).....Anyone else experience one of these? I was able to ignore the second one since I was sitting in my office. But the first one I may have teased a little during the erection and then stopping immediately. I have noticed this happens after a night of really vivid dreams. Sometimes wishing you hadn't woken up and that the dream was actually real. HAHA

Well yesterday was one of my best days yet I feel. Was in one of those crazy get shit done around the house moods. When the day was done I felt relaxed and accomplished. Jammed out on the guitar for a couple hours too learning a new song. All in all I went into my Monday feeling pretty good.

Hope you all had a successful weekend as well.

Best,

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Had a very stressful day at work today, but you know what.....I turned that stress into action. I became focused in my work and made the stressful situation better by doing and not dwelling. I can relate this to the reboot. We are going to have bad days and good days, but getting into the right mindset about the situation instead of overthinking about it will only make it better. Something I am guilty of is overthinking what I call my "failure in bed" experiences. My past experience with my ex keeps circling in my head and I just need to refocus that thought into action. The action being the reboot and how it is going to make me better. So when the next "experience" comes, I will be ready and I will be happy.

Do this because you feel it is right and good things will follow!

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
So I was terrified to write this all morning, but it has weighed on my mind and I need to just let it out.

Last night I received a text from a past friend who I was really attracted to back in the day. (Back in the day.... I'm not even old?!?) She wanted to come see my house and just "visit". Something told me she wanted more. Naturally I got a bit excited. And I will say I had an erection for about 2 hours. I had bought a new pack of condoms over the weekend just in case this occasion arose. Lets just say I have had major issues with condoms in the past. Either being way too tight or extremely uncomfortable, thus loosing my erection. So, I wanted to see if the new ones fit better for when that moment came. Then my anxiety of it not fitting would be non-existent during sex. I was also curious to see if I could maintain an erection with it on. My erection lasted a good while. And.....I O'ed. The excitement was over bearing thinking of this girl and the fact I was able to maintain an erection with a condom on again.

I am not upset about it. I am actually quite happy. Last night I worked out, meditated, eat well, played the guitar and felt overall really relaxed. I O'ed based on the thought of what may happen with a "real person". Not P! No thoughts of P. No watching P. Just real thoughts. This whole process is to avoid P at all costs and I have. The fact I was able to put a condom on and feel comfortable with it on was also a huge step for me.

Overall, I am happy! I am not getting myself down over it and I will use this as a learning experience. One: If I get excited I am jumping straight into a cold shower. 2) I found the right condoms for me that are comfortable :D 3) I am thinking about a real person and not P. I'd call that a success.

ImOnMyWay
 

KW1989KW

Active Member
Today I have this sense of relax. Is it because of the reboot and knowing I will get better and that I am seeing results? Sure! Or is it that I am feeling better mentally, physically and emotionally? I think this is what plays the biggest part. Getting my life together unlike I have ever done before. Unfortunately we put so much emphasis on sex that it brings us down mentally which then plays on our emotions which then plays on actually performing "The physical side". We need to find that calm, that sense of relaxation, the feeling as if nothing can bring us down because we are who we are. This is the bigger picture. We are preparing ourselves to allow sex as just another natural part of living and not as the end all be all.

I hope everyone can understand that this process is about finding ourselves again. Going through the emotions of it all and really understanding our true being. Once we are happy with who we are and what we are doing, life becomes great again.

I wish you all the best this weekend,

ImOnMyWay
 
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