Moving in from YBR
I have been on YourBrainRebalanced for about 4.5 years yet those forums seem to be desolate. I need an active community to release myself from this addiction.
I hope you gentle(wo)men can help me. I'm lost on how to deal with porn cravings, so reinventing my game plan. If you have any suggestions on cravingslease share your insights!
As for now I will copy my previous first posts and I will make a link to these topics.
My initial personal topic on YBR https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/nearly-a-year-on-ybr-significant-improvement.21985/:
I started this journal June 23rd 2014, and I also have a written journal that dates back from April 2014. Both of these journals tell me I suffered a lot from my PMO addiction; social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD...
An ordinary day would consist of porn for an hour or 2 to 3, beating myself up because of the porn, accept the 'failure' and fight for some days to relapse and indulge myself in the vicious circle I couldn't win. I would crawl back behind my pc/laptop/tablet and waste away the hours, 2,3, 4... Nothing unordinary. Record of about 13 to 14 hours, high on booze and various medications.
Currently, I have thoughts floating about of girls, my favorite girls. Bodies in certain positions, acting in ways a girl would never do to me. 'Special', I would think a few years ago but now I see it's ill, de-humanizing and just... I've no words for that porn.
But: I can keep off urges, I just ignore them. I just leave them and instead focus on someting positive ; i.e. writing this journal post. I've learned not to give energy to something negative; I turn off the t.v. when nothing is on, I stop talking to people when they have nothing important to say. My family thinks it is annoying that I suddently ignore them, but I think it is a compliment for my progression.
I - sort of - have a girlfriend, she is a gem and it's just amazing. She was prom queen last year, she's a singer-song writer and she just has the most amazing curves I've ever seen on a human being. And she's cleaver. She's smart as hell and she likes to correct me when I am wrong and really, that's what I like to do to other people.
I am still anxious about how the future will work out for me, things won't get harder - that's nearly impossible. However, I've found out I need to be cautious, I've come to realize I don't have unlimited energy, money and friends in my life. I've spent energy and money on the wrong things in life, I've lost some friends here and there and I accept it. For the future I will rationalize more about decisions that I need to take. I've become more thoughtfull and I've gained more wisdom over the last year, I feel more mature and at ease.
Getting back to the list of social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD.
I still suffer from a bit of depression from time to time, my self-esteem tends to rollercoaster and my finger picking and ADD non-exisstent.
My dishonesty is something I struggle with, in particular because my family hasn't got the slightest clue what an addiction is.
They believe I do suffer, but they don't see the infinite battle, me fighting the urges, cravings and battles against... what not.
All they care about is me graduating, which is fair and positive, but they don't see what's going on in my brain. Yes, I can tell you - my brain is improving. Physically. Sometimes, for just a second or 2, I feel as if old 'junk' brain tissue is dying and healthy tissue is growing.I get a weird, light head feeling and my eyes get twitchy. I really can't describe but last Friday I had another episode. I've had about 3 or 4.
I guess that is how re-sensitization feels like; the strong, addiction pathways are crumbling and those pathways thought to be normal, are slowly growing to normal.
Mind you, I've been frantically addicted for over a year (September 2013 - November 2014) and looking back I can say I already had some symptoms back in 2010/2011. Let's say I've been addicted for 3,5 years, what is a 90 day abstinence? A joke. Because, it is not about the 90 days, it is not about 120 or 150 days - it's about cracking your cocoon and liberating yourself from first, your addiction, secondly your fears and finally your challenges - to live a victorious life, with real women, genuine friends and be passionate about what you, and not repulsive about your daily habit.
I hope some enjoyed reading my text. I didn't really plan anyhing, I just got inspired by some other journal.
My second personal topic:
https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/semper-progrediens-numquam-respiciens.31800/
Update December 3rd 2015: Adding information about Autosuggestion. Autosuggestion, influencing the subconcious with positive affirmations, is a method to gain more faith, positivity and self-esteem. He believes improving ones health starts in the mind and with a strong belief in a positive outcome. One of the areas is addiction.
For me it works great and I believe it will for others. The book bij Dr. Emile Cou? is about 220 pages, but these free outtakes cover the essence.
http://www.mind-your-reality.com/support-files/self_mastery_autosuggestion_coue.pdf
http://healthyvisionshypnosis.com/downloads/Auto_Suggestion_My_Method_by_Coue.pdf
At the core of his book is this philosophy: ?Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better?
Repeat this every morning and before going to sleep. It WILL help greatly!
As for now I am posting my last failed reaction to my YBR, I encountered errors when posting.
It is the following:
So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .
At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.
However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!
Right now I am solely focusing on getting myself back on track and formulating a new addiction treatment plan. Right now, this is difficult as aI feel week and lonely for starting over again. But I know I can do it, yet I need to be very vigilant on what I feel and experience, as I need to prevent a relapse. Relapsing is not a disaster but I have done countless relapses and now getting frustrated because of withdrawals is more important than getting frustrated by a relapse, haha!
I will later report on my new personal treatment plan.