33 days so far...

Hook

Member
Hi everyone, I?ve been reading so many stories of you guys that I also wanted to contribute with mine. Sorry in advance for such a long post but I need to share it. So far only a couple of friends know my story.

33 days has passed since I started rebooting.

Background:

Introverted and shy teenager, very smart for many things but with poor social skills. Goodlooking and with a good body. I liked sports but at age 20-21 weed became part of my life. Since then I have had two hobbies as compatible as oil and water. Internet arrived to my home when I was 16-17. Now I am 35, so I have been watching porn for almost 20 years. I lost virginity aged 20. My longest relationship lasted one and a half years and happened more than ten years ago. My dating life has been a disaster, for years I did not even have a dating life. And whenever I met one girl, most of the times I suffered from ED and everything it meant, low self-esteem, some suicidal thoughts, isolation, drug abuse, etc.

I am highly educated and have a good job. I speak several languages and live abroad. I have enjoyed my life in many areas but not when it comes to sex and dating. Five years ago I emigrated to a new country and had the luck of meeting great friends. They helped me to become more social and empatic. Nowadays I am still a quiet person and I listen more than I talk, but I know myself and I know how to treat others. I am funnier and smarter. And I keep learning.

Recent events:

Yet, I still felt there was something wrong with me. I wasn?t good with girls and my best friends said that I was asexual. I knew I wasn?t but I couldn?t explain why I didn?t have interest in girls. Since my first sexual experiences were homosexual, about ten years ago I thought that maybe I was gay. I started a journey for accepting myself and tried to date guys, but I didn?t meet many and only a couple of times I got an erection. Recently I also visited prostitutes three times. Once I got half erection, two times my little friend was completely flaccid. But when I came back home I watched porn.

I kept watching porn and I smoked joints (to me is a big trigger). I liked amateur movies but also escalated to harder stuff. Sometimes I didn?t even get an erection watching porn. I had good friends but just a few. I had social anxiety.

A couple of months ago I found myself in another spiral of depression. I thought about going to a psychiatrist but then I realised that the first thing he would tell me was to give up joints and porn. Then one day I tried to give up joints for the third time. A week after I bought a guitar (I had thought about it for severals years) and a week after I visited a transexual prostitute. Since I could not perform with girls and with guys I thought that maybe what I liked were transexuals. I tried to be brave, I went to bed with her? and nothing, my penis was dead. On the way home I started watching porn compulsively. Until then I thought that porn was like cigarettes, not too good but nothing to worry about. In that moment I realised I had a problem bigger than weed. I googled quit porn and found this website and YBOP. Next day I confessed to a friend that I had a problem with porn and started my reboot.

Reboot:

I have been visiting these two websites almost everyday since one month. I want to read a get informed, I have lost so many years than I do not want to watch porn never again. Not in my next three lives. I started doing sport regularly, I keep learning how to play the guitar, I am much more social, I have A LOT of energy. Sometimes I feel guilty for having lost the best years of my life, sometimes I am afraid of relapsing, afraid of not recovering fully, I feel ashamed for having this shameful addiction. Nevertheless, I think that our generation has to fight porn the same way other generations fighted heroin, coke or a war.

In these 33 days I have already realized that girls look at me differently, also because I look at them in a different way. A couple of weeks ago I tried to date one girl I met on a bar (without success) and I want to date another one I see regularly in an weekly activity. To me that?s a big step already. And the best thing is that it comes naturally. Even though I still don?t know how I will perform.

Sometimes I think I am in a flatline, sometimes I think I?ve been in a flatline for years. Now I have morning wood often. In the last days I started fantasizing a little with girls I see on the street. I think that porn killed my imagination.

I look forward to the future, I think I have never been so optimist. I want to accept pain because I want to be happy, fall in love and have a fulfilling life. It is not an easy journey, but for now it?s worht it. I?ll post again in one year.

Good luck guys, thanks for sharing and thanks to this website and YBOP.
 
Read your post in one breath, great beginning!
Yes, the journey is not easy, but the future is bright.
Today is my 22 day of reboot. I feel very irritable and empty today, but I am not looking for pornography.
Good luck and good luck to me
 

LucidStrength

New Member
Wow - what an interesting experience you've had.  Congratulations on the 33 days.  I'm hoping, as you continue weaning yourself off your dependency to porn, you'll feel more whole, more yourself, more self-confident in these key areas of your life.  I'm cheering you on to great success!
 
Top