Author Topic: Starting, day 1.  (Read 23064 times)

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #225 on: March 09, 2017, 07:08:32 PM »
36 days. Could be half ways to the 90 soon :)
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #226 on: March 12, 2017, 05:32:33 PM »
Ah, 40 days. Little general seems to be functioning very well. Some frustrations there, but its worth resisting.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #227 on: March 13, 2017, 09:36:30 PM »
41 days and I'm feelin fine.Seems that my habits have changed and I don't in any ways think that I'm gonna come home and look at porn anymore. I seem to default to other things.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #228 on: March 15, 2017, 08:47:26 PM »
Doing well. Disconnecting from the shitty old habits.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #229 on: March 19, 2017, 02:08:37 PM »
Over half way and I'm feeling perfectly okay. We'll see how I feel after 90. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where there isn't some temptation in the back of my head. But who knows.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #230 on: March 20, 2017, 05:48:37 PM »
Not sure 47 days have ever blown by so quickly. In the blink of an eye.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #231 on: March 22, 2017, 10:15:56 PM »
50 is good going. I should feel pretty happy about that. Great progress after a good year of spiralling. Feels good to have made it this far. To the point where I do feel like I've broken the habit.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #232 on: March 25, 2017, 03:31:50 PM »
Could be a somewhat rock few days coming up but right now I'm feeling strong. Did see something somewhat pornagraphic sort of accidentally, I will reset if I consiously go back. Shouldn't be a problem though i hope.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #233 on: March 26, 2017, 05:25:13 PM »
So I reset after 52 days. Basically I ended up looking at pictures of hookers on a website last night when I was drunk before I went out. Arguably another misdemeanour too. Its a little disappointing to have got that far and to have to hit reset. But I think I'm well on course to hit the 90 day mark before the year ends. I think this was perpetuated by some unexpected circumstances this weekend. I guess what I'm learning is that on a day to day level you need to change your habits, but then when you're not in your normal routine, you need to be EXTRA VIGILANT. Because that is WHEN YOU WILL FAIL.

I feel like this 52 day streak has taught me so much about my habits. I feel like in day to day life I have changed my habits from what they are and things are undeniably better in terms of my mood, no social anxiety and having great sex. I also haven't put myself in any stupid or dangerous situations. Its funny, when I was out and drunk porn/hookers weren't on my mind at all. If in my day to day life I had been looking at bullshit, when I would be out and drunk I'd have to come up with strategies to stop myself doing something moronic. But the 52 day streak seems to have altered my mindset.

Its funny, when I did look at that website, it did literally nothing for me. Like zero arousal whatsoever. Its interesting that I remember feeling that way the first time I looked at porn after putting together a half year stretch with almost zero porn. Its like your brain knows its not supposed to get turned on by pixels on a laptop. But then I eventually fell into old habits and 2016 was kind of a disaster for me. This year has been much better so far and many of those habits have been fixed.

Lesson learned about my addiction:

I CAN change my day to day habits easily enough to remove porn completely from them. That's actually not that difficult and after a couple of weeks it just doesn't even seem like porn is an option anymore. This is very encouraging!!!

HOWEVER: I need to be extra vigilant in times when I am out of my normal routine. Because different circumstances can lead to falling back into old behavioural pattens that may have existed in similar circumstances in the past. This is a much more difficult problem, but at least I am now cognisant of it. I just need to watch out for it and be aware what is happening, then course correct.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2017, 05:28:53 PM by canttugwonttug »
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #234 on: March 29, 2017, 09:33:25 PM »
Up to 4 days without too much hassle, which is not bad considering that a slip can easily turn into a binge, which can turn into a year down the drain.

Lets build from here. I think I should be able to make it to a week, then I think after 2 weeks the memorys of the lapse should have faded a bit and make things easier. The goal will be 90 so we're off to a start at least.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #235 on: March 31, 2017, 04:27:03 PM »
Its funny one relapse and god damn do I feel a stronger desire to go back again. Its weird. Having made it over 50 days my desires had more-or-less disappeared. I guess the key is, don't relapse. This is the nature of addiction, it really does fuck with you.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #236 on: March 31, 2017, 08:58:11 PM »
Dammit. Okay. I need to get myself together here. I made it 52 days. I can do this again. Ended up on some camming website, got some girl to take her clothes off. Definitely counts as a reset even going on that site. Okay, I need to find a way to stop this from turning into a spiral out of control shitshow. Just rememeber how that happened last year. I've done well. I made it 52 days. Everything was good. My body and brain were functioning well. I had NO cravings after making it a certain time. I CAN do that again. Lets get it together. This isn't the end of the world. Lets get back on track NOW.

What sort of person am I if I can't beat this? Not the best I can be that's for sure. Not optimal that's for sure. Maybe 75% the person I could be.

I think I need to approach this with the mindset as not watching porn is as big a benefit to my life as does going to the gym. The gym has more tangible benefits on a day to day basis, in that you look good. But I think what lack of porn does for your mind is just as profound. Just like the gym, kicking porn just automatically puts you a cut above other dues.

If you want to be a cut above: Never miss a day in the gym + Never watch porn. These are the keys to the great relationship you want.

Being that great man in the key. Porn is something for the mediocre. Do I want to be mediocre or do I want to be something better?

PORN = MEDIOCRITY.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2017, 10:17:47 PM by canttugwonttug »
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #237 on: April 06, 2017, 08:51:02 AM »
I'm going to start posting every day again. I will get into a routine again of diverting to here and/or reddit when I am tempted to look at anything, as a mechanism by which to break the habit and prevent spiralling. Here come the real challenges, what kind of person are you?
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #238 on: April 07, 2017, 05:53:12 PM »
I'm feeling good. Doing okay today at resisting old habits. Very busy so that helps.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #239 on: April 09, 2017, 09:26:56 PM »
Gray area. Fuck. Reset it.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #240 on: April 10, 2017, 08:16:20 AM »
Definitely feeling the haze after my recent mini binge. The guilt is also there. Anxiety is there. Self doubt and negative feelings about myself.

I really need to quickly come up with some ways of breaking these habits. I think I have some ideas.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #241 on: April 11, 2017, 09:25:18 PM »
1 day 22 hours. Hopefully on the way forward away from a life of porn-induced bad decisions, anxiety, self loathing and depression. What type of person do you want to be. Life is strange.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #242 on: April 12, 2017, 08:06:05 AM »
I really have been trying to beat this for so long and so far it has bested me.

From now on I'm going to give away $1000 each time I fall. And I will do it. I have to. It needs to be an amount of money that really hurts. My previous attempts were only $10 which I just didn't feel and didn't work. So lets up the penalty 100 fold.

IT WOULD BE GREAT IF SOMEONE COULD READ THIS AND HOLD ME TO IT!

"Porn" includes all dating sites (big trigger for me), craigslist etc, webcam activity. I feel these are my major triggers, then its a slippery slope.

As time goes on, I will commit to posting at least once per week. Likely on somebody elses blog if I have nothing to report.

I really want to beat this thing but its been the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #243 on: April 12, 2017, 05:38:41 PM »
I think I'm on track for another recovery. I need to stay strong and keep on top of it and keep posting.

I understand the nature of this addiction to well now I feel. The battle is so hard because the small slip ups invariably lead to big big slip ups. Its a downward spiral to the bottom. But I want to be a good person and I want to win it.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #244 on: April 13, 2017, 08:15:33 PM »
Life is moving in a decent direction at the moment. Lets not fuck it up :)
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #245 on: April 16, 2017, 05:18:45 PM »
Up to a week. Its going okay. I am tempted a little. I need to power on and remember my sig. Mediate. Focus on what is important.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #246 on: April 23, 2017, 09:54:04 AM »
Okay, two week mark has been made. This is really good. I am feeling low libido the last week or so. I think it will rebound given a little more time. The relapses always seem to lead to these types of drops. But I've been doing well so the key is not to get frustrated and keep moving forward.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

Floink

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #247 on: April 23, 2017, 10:14:24 AM »
Good work, mate! I have recently slipped after a looong time and used porn subs. What a shame! I look forward to the two weeks mark where you are :) Low libido would help me a lot right now ;)

Keep on going! Your aim to give away one grand if you relapse is incredible! This determination is admirable!

Floink
Last PMO: Monday, the 12.06.2017 / 12:00 MEST. (FUUUUK!)
Let's leave it like this!

"If I quit now, I will be back to where I started. And when I started I was desperately wishing to be where I am now."

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #248 on: May 12, 2017, 06:40:44 PM »
Thanks for the support Floink.

I'm doing okay now. Things are looking okay moving forward. Small temptations a few weeks ago, but I've been pretty busy with other stuff, which is always a big help. Its those moments when you are alone and have nothing to do. Overall though I think I've done just fine lately.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.

canttugwonttug

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Re: Starting, day 1.
« Reply #249 on: May 14, 2017, 06:05:04 PM »
I guess I feel pretty "rebooted" at the moment. A whole fucking month to feel normal after slipping up. More motivation not to slip up. Made it 52 days last time, lets best that and keep going from there. Good work so far. No major cravings. Managing to handle things well for the most part. Just remember, $1000.
$100 per indiscretion.
Porn = Dating sites, craigslist, WEBCAM activity.
Over 50% of HIV cases from condom breakage
Porn = life of mediocrity.