Author Topic: 80 days...  (Read 48 times)

3arksy

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80 days...
« on: March 20, 2017, 04:51:00 PM »
So I started an agreement to commit to a 90 day reboot and tomorrow I reach 80 days.  It's been an incredible journey with a lot of highs and lows and I feel absolutely amazing.

I'm 34 years old.  I had been a frequent user of pornography since I was 14 years old.  I would say I wouldn't probably go a couple of days without masturbating.  It became a habit....it would help me wake up in the morning.  I would do it in the toilet to get my fix....even would do it at work. 

After one month of the reboot I had an major insight.  I realised that I had a sex addiction.  I realised that I had no joy in life.  I was constantly moody with my wife.  I had no desire to talk with people in social situations.  I felt I had nothing to contribute...I wanted to be far away from communicating as possible...safe in my bubble.  I could sense there was something wrong but I could never put my finger on what it was.  I would try everything.  Anti-depressants.  Recreational drugs.  Constantly trying to re-invent myself. 

It all got worse when my wife got ill.  She suddenly one day had a seizure.  I woke up to her fitting and I thought she had died.  She suddenly woke up.  The event traumatised me.  My wife didn't feel good about her body.  She took a very very long time to recover.  And then her father passed away from cancer.  It was an extremely difficult time and an important event in my life.  Me and the wife would go a year without sex.  We lost touch with each other.  We were frightened to do it.  As time got on my wife would try to instigate sex but I would always find an excuse not to do it.  I just hated the thought of it.  Masturbation made me relaxed.  Pornography was my relationship.

I have tried to stop masturbation and porn on and off for about 5 years.  I think the longest I ever went was 2 weeks.  I was determined this time to see it through and finding the information on this site supported me big time.  The results have been phenomenal.  I have got my excitement back for life.  Tonight I was playing music and singing to it and dancing and I felt this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt in such a long time.  I feel like a teenager wanting to try new things.  I want to meet new people.  I want to start new conversations, male or females.  I want to start playing the guitar again.  I remember names.  I feel this burning love for my wife that I have never felt before.  I just can't take my eyes off of her.  We never argue.  We go on adventures together.  But most importantly...we have sex.  I have this huge amount of energy and excitement for life.  At first I thought it was placebo.....but it just continued.

Now I still have ups and downs.  Last week I felt so so down.  I had this horrible panic attack.  I woke up thinking my wife had died and I struggled to breath and calm down.  What I have noticed is that I have nothing to hide behind now.  Masturbation and pornography allowed me to escape and relax and forget about my real feelings.  Now I have to deal with them.  I'm fully exposed.  I have noticed that I appear to have some sort of natural cycle where there are weeks I feel amazing and weeks I feel down.  But I approach it a lot better than I use to.  I am in a place where I can talk about my feelings to my friends and to my wife.  I am willing to fight hard for myself.  I have a new strength.

I have 10 days to go to reach my goal.  I intend to continue beyond the 90 days.  I almost feel born again....as though I have skipped about 15 years of my life and I've just woken up.  I don't feel disappointed.  I think that without the downs you can't experience the highs.  I'm just so excited about what the future will bring and the new stories I will be creating with this new positive outlook. 


Death Trap

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Re: 80 days...
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 07:49:41 AM »
I'm really happy to read this. Thanks for sharing, and congratulations on sorting yourself out. Just so you know, it's been my experience as well that abstaining from pmo tends to produce periods of ups and downs.