Author Topic: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough  (Read 93 times)

Dfletch07

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Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« on: March 17, 2017, 06:38:28 PM »
First off, looking for an accountability partner.

Who am I...

Name : Dan
Age: 27
General Life: Successful good standing graduated collegiate athlete, full-time professional, single man, and do not have kids yet (thankfully). Triathlete, rock climber, acquiring my master's degree, and enjoying the social environment around Kansas City when I can, but typically stick to myself (correlation to PIED I hear...).

Porn life: I have been into porn and ritually used it since I was 12. Like most it started with basic magazines and aggressively escalated when I was in college cause of the "tube stream style." Around the age of 24 I had an episode with my past girlfriend that made me question "WTF is going on with me, this isn't right at my age." We had a normal sex life, but there were signs of pre-PIED that I was noticing, but unaware why it was happening. Some of those were a consistent functional-soft erection, loss of morning wood, delayed ejaculations (if not ever during intercourse), numbing touch sensation, and even a constant need for motion (she couldn't ride, take lead, or do anything without it going soft/limp). Of course I had a strong daily porn ritual before bed to get to sleep easier or utilized it when I was depressed or down.

Present day porn/sex life: Reason that pushed me here and to take charge of this once and for all. Recently have had numerous encounters that were successful, but they were one time goes. I noticed I was seeing the same signs as a past girlfriend though even on first time encounters with new individuals. I became habituated to having a partial hard-on during intercourse and that still didn't seem right with me, but I blew it off as whiskey-dick, stress, and eventually I orgasm. She was happy, I was happy, and we went of to our own ways (So why didn't she come back for more might ask... good questions, ha). My recent friend who we have had multiple encounters with all went great, but I would not PMO for a week and she would be over to help me with that release and I had no issues the first go. The second time go around was 50/50 if I would orgasm. I never understood what was going on, but the last two encounters have ended in an utter fail because I just couldn't even get excited or up the first time. Some I suspect to performance stress (raising the sexual experience bar each encounter). Other encounters I again recognized the same prior signs, but waiting a week without PMO did help tremendously to become erect.

So here I am... I have already in a way started my daily NoFAP and have stayed away from porn as much as possible. I struggle with running by sites with risque pictures and such, but it never triggers me to "let one go" when I desire.


Around last year I came across this site and questioned whether this was a true ED or a PIED, because I was having sex with partners, but it was never a solid stiff pole like I wanted it to be. The truth is, I can still get hard to porn anytime. Things definitely don't feel like they used to, because even porn itself became dull and it did escalate me to more daring genres, but nothing that made me question myself. I honestly stay away from porn now knowing its toxicity but relapsing is an extreme weakness. I may not like porn anymore, but there are those urges as days turn into weeks; the struggle to get over that flatline stage or just habitual urge.

Day counter: 6+
Estimate recovery time: Who knows, but guessing this could be a long ride after reading men similar to me.

Appreciate the support. Apologize if I came across bragging in anyway, but this is my story and I want someone who will support me to understand.

Much love to everyone in your own journeys and thanks for taking the time to read this and join me.

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2017, 06:55:59 PM »
Day 6+:

After a failed attempt with my FWB girl, we will call her Jane out of respect. I just try to be transparent enough of the situation. Won't lie i'm depressed, but this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and seem to be handling it quite well. No urges today, but everything down there just feels "stagnant and lifeless."

Typical day - work, grad school, worked out, I ran after, plan to meditate, and go out later with this gorgeous weather. I talked with Jane throughout the day and she has been taking this well. She has a medical history that helps her be empathetic to the situation, but she is still hurt because of my "short comings." Plus we have an open enough relationship that I know she is talking to other men right now fighting for her time and sexual interest.   

Personally, been relaxed and feeling confident about committing this time. Just too early to tell because I miss that orgasm sensation like everyone, that dopamine high. Never smoked or took a drug beside a drink of alcohol in my life. I do not envy individuals who try to kick an external habit of a consumable-drug.

I am concerned for the days ahead as things begin to build up and the suspected leaving of Jane in my life. Won't lie, she is a girl I could see dating and that makes the emotions kick in harder for the developed situation we established.

Things will be alright, with or without a female support, this is for my life now. Not for hers, I am taking back my manhood!

yodaranch

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2017, 05:02:07 AM »
Hey Dan,

I wish you all the strength and willpower required for this journey! Never forget, your not alone with this.

Times'll get better!

Keep it up buddy  :)

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2017, 10:50:43 AM »
@Yodaranch - Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes gotta consistently remind myself of that daily.

Day 7+ - Morning

Well woke up this morning pretty shitty and depressed, but going to pick myself up with the expectation that I have to do this on my own. Obviously the support and accountability is always a reinforcement. The art of letting go has always been difficult, but I woke up reminding myself to focus on myself versus the situation and relationship with my friend. To be honest, I can tell there is a different tone/vibe in our texting with the recognized elephant staring at us now.

A reminder, I talked to her about PIED a couple days ago, she gave me a supportive empathetic approach, but was hurt by it regardless (I expect her to be). Unsure of her intentions right now because insecurities are floating in my head (she talking to another man?, "She gone!...?", What next?).


Serious friends at my age seems to be a rarity, but I am honest with myself that I need to actually get out there more and be proactive in making friends too. Been reminding myself that good things aren't just handed to you and you gotta go out there and do it. A root issue that amplifies this depression when something like this happens.

Is it Day 90 yet... ha, longest POM fasting/reboot I did once was around 40 days. This was before I had read stuff on this site. The moment I started feeling a strong tingle down there I went bull rushing out to relieve it and be kicked back into my corner.

To be better than I was yesterday, here we go!

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2017, 04:16:36 PM »
Day 8+

Not much new to report as my determination is stronger than ever right now, honeymoon phase easiness. Like most I wonder when the dull numb sensation around my waist will decease.

Ideas that I am adding to my recovery regiment

1.) Meditation, positive reinforcement talk to myself down there (sounds stupid... worked wonders for my athletics; just saying).

2.) Shake w/ super supplements - Maca Powder, Beetroot, and other things that are not common in our American diet. Guys as a medical person... Give your body a chance with resources for anything and it will reward you for your investment

3.) Improved Exercise - Happy mindset => increase muscle use = improve in testosterone levels; primary male hormone necessary to recovering our libido and other sexual functions.

4.) Refocus of goals - Social life, work, friends, and reinvesting my time in others.

All sounds great, I get it... We will see how it goes. Relationship with Jane is still stagnant waters, but I honestly have turned my focus off of her intentions. She has joked with me on potentially helping me through it, but I am not holding my breath; this is my problem and journey. To be honest, I think she is already working on my replacement... just saying.

Stay strong everyone and any ladies who are reading this and open to empowering us men through a temporary issue (if we allow it to be)... you women are the rockstars in my book.

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2017, 11:17:17 AM »
Day 9+ - Morning

Still ticking on strong and found that internal motivator. I figure meditation won't heal the directly, but I am giving the body a chance by calming a busy life down. It does dull the urges late at night. I am gonna look at alternatives to have put in advance in protecting myself from failing.

Yesterday was the first urge of just missing the sensation of a hard-on in general, in some shape/form or manner. Has anyone ever felt that before? Yes there is the dopamine of the orgasm, but I also just love the feeling of the hard-on "Hey buddy! Glad to see you are feeling alive, Hulk it up down there (haha...)"

Theme of the week - Refocus that momentum and energy.

This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Bunker in boys... we are gonna be here for a while. Time to toughen up and see if you are disciplined enough to control your body and not let it control you; become a man of men!!!

(my motivation to myself and to you all)

Big H

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2017, 04:27:57 PM »
"Yesterday was the first urge of just missing the sensation of a hard-on in general, in some shape/form or manner. Has anyone ever felt that before? Yes there is the dopamine of the orgasm, but I also just love the feeling of the hard-on "Hey buddy! Glad to see you are feeling alive, Hulk it up down there (haha...)"

No. I tried to avoid the hard on as much as possible. It's a lot more tempting to PMO when you're hard. Avoid "missing" things about your addiction. You have to convince yourself there are no benefits from it.

ImOnMyWay

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2017, 10:30:52 AM »
Dfletch07,

Looks like a good start to a long journey. Keep up the good work. I can relate to you in regards to "Jane". The talking to other men thing has a weird way of playing with your mind. I need to get into the mindset that I am doing this for me and ONLY me! Once I am happy with who I am, I feel I will be even happier with someone else. It's just going to take some time.

Which leads me to the "marathon and not a race" mentality. I was focusing on the day to day and needed to start with the overall picture. Also, the hard-on-feeling...HAHA. I am with you on this one. It's a great feeling when you're just sitting there and without any thought or touch....BOOM.... There he is.

If you need any support going through this, send a message my way.

ImOnMyWay

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2017, 02:21:22 PM »
@ImOnMyWay - Appreciate the feedback man, I kinda figured I wasn't the only one. I be shocked if no one appreciated that sensation, inflates are ego elsewhere (ha!).

Day 10+

To elaborate on the (+) part for those confused or scratching your head. I cannot recall when I fully masturbated to porn itself to the specific date. To be honest, when Jane and I started hooking up I turned my sexual focus and release to her. ....Possibly I am farther on my journey of recovery as I have stopped my day to day PMO for a while after doing it so often.

I knew there was this PIED issue in the background and the easiest way to enhance our encounters was the self-discipline to make her my release from encounter to encounter. To why it came back in the end, some is the loss in novelty between us and needing a true PIED recovery. Breaks my heart to admit the novelty part, but I know deep down inside to an extent. This condition ruins possibilities that I ideally desire, but reality won't allow me at the moment; standing sex as an example... I look forward when this has recovered and I can go enjoy myself wherever I please beside a bedroom. Continuing on to what I think led to my failure the last two encounters, I would edge myself to porn like thoughts of us, images, and such between our encounters...so only sparked that long established neural connection I feel.

Positives: That fog and focus is thinning. My waist area is starting to feel less numb, relax, emotions are calming down slightly, and productivity is getting better. Health/Diet/Exercise all are on the up and up. I haven't taken a day off to exercise yet to my prior regiment of 4/7 days a week. I am also allowing myself to talk and socialize to others without sexual intentions. 

Negatives: Beginning to realize insecurities of Jane or myself is hindering forward progress; I consider myself of having an analytical mind that attempts to recognize all the angles in a situation. Last night was the first withdrawal urge, the real battle is about to begin.

Flat lining... a necessary dry spell that I have easily recognized to the process. I am not there yet and cannot say I look forward to it. Doesn't help when you are juggling a process with a woman in hopes to keep her interests and patience while working through this self-journey.

It is weird, everyday it seems like the fire within is getting stronger and stronger. An internal motivation that doesn't desire to quit. I am beginning to feel that beat of determination because I believe in the system of this reboot. I am bought-in that this can and will go somewhere. I am running this race and quitting is just no longer an option. It is time to qualify for something better in life and not be content with mediocrity.

Kick ass and chew bubble gum boys! (Movie reference)

Dfletch07

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Re: Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2017, 12:25:04 PM »
Day 11+

Theme and mood : Rubber meets the road.

Brought a close friend in on the situation and I appreciated the feedback he provided on the situation. It has been a quite an inquisitive day of self-reflection and dedication; cannot say it has helped my positive mindset . I am also self-distancing myself from Jane, which my insecure habit distastes. Some of you thinking, why???...it is actually a relationship test upon Jane. I have been throwing out tests and lately she has not been passing them. So it is time to see if she is into this or not while I refocus upon myself. A greedy manner, but she knows my interests and reassurance that I am combating through this for us as well as myself.

Shortest post for me today, but keeping the chin up and head above water for the day. Refocusing my focus on areas that need this improvement. They will help distract the negative habits of PMO and the drawbacks that come with it. I only move forward in life, not backwards. This crap ends here, I am not looking back.