A Shot In The Dark

Hello! Alright so I will start by saying I am a 23 year old guy. I am not sure if I have PIED, or if it's psychological ED, or what it is, but I have now been around 7 months on a "flatline", though the first 3 were the worst as I got no erections at all, now they come and go, mostly in the form of really weak ones and awful orgasms.

My story begins in NYE, when I was completely drunk and had just broken up my with my long-term ex-girlfriend in December, a girl was flirting at me and so I decided to go with it. We got to the bedroom and at first with oral everything was working great, so I came once from it and afterwards I was ready to move to the next step and boom, total whiskey dick. She didn't really mind and fell asleep; I, on the other hand, totally minded, and spent all morning just poking it around and feeling it completely oblivious to anything, and then on the next morning I got an erection but came in like 10 seconds and for the first time felt a flatine, like my penis had just completely given up, it hurt and was completely shrivelled. Since then I have had sex with her again once and with another girl, both with viagra, and both successful (probably partly due to the viagra).

Where does the porn come in? Well, actually a couple of days after that incident my penis was working awesomely again, until one day masturbating it just didn't come up, and from there it has just been a constant struggle. I went for 3 months with nearly no libido (though I still watched porn), then it came back, sometimes I get hard but sometimes not at all (this is how I ruled out anything organic), and now at 7 months I do know my libido is greatly reduced, my ego is busted and so are my erections; whenever I even get kind of erected I just know it will get busted and so I barely even touch it before it goes away. I have never during this time period tried to leave porn, but I don't get erections with or without it... An important point though is for example, on friday I had sex (with viagra) and my penis from monday to wednesday worked fine and I could MPO all three days, but then  on thursday it got busted again...

I don't even know if it might be PIED now, or whatever it is, I just know that my life has been awful this 2016 because of this, completely brutal blow to my self-esteem and sexual life. I guess it's worth the shot in case this fixes my issue but the horrible part is not knowing if this is it or not and if it is all worthless in the end...

Any opinions, support or feedback please?

First day was marked by increasing anxiety and a compulsive need to check the site in case anybody had commented anything. In the past I had never been so conscious about how many times a day I thought about porn; it is quite a lot. I did feel kind of horny, but I am trying my best to not even go close to touching it. If this can help for my year- long issue to be finally over then I shall do my best, I just hope it does. Let's start day #2.

Yesterday was definitely marked by an increase in depression to go with the anxiety; just the not knowing and the wonder if I will ever go back to being my former self, if it is even possible...

Just did MO, but without P, it is only day 2, but I still got a 70% boner... Is it possible that the change in mindset alone is helping? Or maybe the problem IS porn and I just never knew it prior to this point? Certainly worth exploring...

Do not feel so much guilt, man, This will not help you! the opposite will make you worse but do not give up, keep going that you can

giving up porn is good even if you aren't getting pied from it because it will gradually re-wire your brain to being stimulated by the screen rather than the lady. as for masturbation, I've quit that as well because I feel like it is also rewiring my brain to being stimulated by my hand and not a girls touch. probably you are getting hard only sometimes because your mind doesn't know what to choose to get stimulated because of watching porn and masturbating, and so sometimes you will get hard, and then other times you won't.

Thanks a lot for your comments, words of support really help!

DAY#3
Yesterday was a good day I guess, but got no erections at all after the PMO in the morning. It is a constant thought in my mind, even starting to wonder how it felt in the past having a normal mental health about the issue.

At night I felt like not seeing anyone, just wanted to be alone, so I took a jog and ended up in a pretty sweet spot, that was cool. Will get back there at some point.

I am kind of worried about my mental health because this would be the second weekend in a row that I don't want to go outside or meet with anyone in a big social activity. Guessing it's just a matter of time and when the stuff starts fixing then this kind of thinking will go away on it's own.

Okay, today I made the conscious decision to aid myself in taking control over my mental health and get better. I find that perhaps the incident which broke it all related to how I failed at having sex, no longer had a gf to provide comfort and lost my erection while watching porn because I no longer felt good about myself. The thoughts where so pervasive that even while watching porn my line of thoughts were not in personal enjoyment, but rather "why couldn't I function like they do? Why did my junk stop working, and I am lonely, while they are having sex all day and can have sex for 30 minutes straight without getting tired or ejaculating? Will I ever be able to please a woman that way?".

That line of thinking, coupled with the fact that this played a number in my hypersexuality led to the complete opposite, a complete bust in my confidence and sexuality, I fell into a flatline I am still struggling to recover from.

I do not want to continue isolating myself, but I also do not know how to make real friendships with the opposite sex without the objective of having sex with them. Like, at all points in my backstory I felt that I could start a relationship with anybody, and thus immediately developed a want and need to talk and have intimacy with them (is this also a thought that I should go in-depth as to a why? Does everybody act like this?) but that is no longer the case. I feel emotionally and sexually unavailable at the moment, and I do not know for how long this will be the case. I do feel appreciated by the people around me, so that is important, but I do not want to continue hiding myself from social occasions in fear of meeting people and not being on my best behavior with them, or for meeting a girl who wants to move on to a more intimate relation with me (aka smash) and having turn her down, specially considering that at some point in the future it is possible that I would like to pursue it, but that point is not now.

Interesting thought how all of this thoughts have came on the three days that I am NOT watching porn, like, yesterday night I want out for a jog and found a cool spot to think about shit, in the past I would have probably PMO to a 60% boner and then felt bad about myself and that would be it.

As bad as introspection feels, it is highly likely that this is a painful step I must do to accomplish my goals of improving my mental health.

Day #4

Felt very horny while studying so I decided to stop and have a little MO session. At first it felt great; it responded instantly and I had a good erection, but after a moment it started to wane, until it was at around 60%, at which time I wanted to O. Stopped it and tried to get it back because I knew the O was going to be disappointing in that state, but I couldn't and it was.

The mental fog is back at the moment, as well as inadequacy thoughts on wether if it will ever work like it used to again.

Dont M during studying. thats harmful. you wont be able to focus on shit. first make up your mind on what you want to do and why you want to do it!! Unless you have a clear mind and a goal, you will keep caving in and will finally get tired and give up.

For real, the fact it didn't work as it should depressed me so much that I feel it ruined a lot of my progress.. Should I start trying on hard mode?

Hey there,

Interesting to read about your experience of feeling emotionally and sexually unavailable to the girls you are meeting, I can definitely relate, only I feel like I've been in that state for most of my teen and adult life thus far. Which is the main reason why I myself have chosen to go hard mode. ive had self esteem issues ever since I hit puberty, which was more or less also when I began PMO, so to me it only makes sense to quit PMO completely in order to objectively see how it affects my self esteem and emotional/sexual confidence. Just two weeks into hard mode and my brain and body are definitely feeling the withdrawal effects. Anyway that's just my personal take on it! Maybe you should consider it. Stay strong!

CaptBadger said:

Should I start trying on hard mode?

Click to expand...

Do you think you're making progress with your current strategy? If not, Hard Mode is always an option. Granted, Hard mode is HARD mode for a reason. Best of luck.

djude said:

Hey there,

Interesting to read about your experience of feeling emotionally and sexually unavailable to the girls you are meeting, I can definitely relate, only I feel like I've been in that state for most of my teen and adult life thus far. Which is the main reason why I myself have chosen to go hard mode. ive had self esteem issues ever since I hit puberty, which was more or less also when I began PMO, so to me it only makes sense to quit PMO completely in order to objectively see how it affects my self esteem and emotional/sexual confidence. Just two weeks into hard mode and my brain and body are definitely feeling the withdrawal effects. Anyway that's just my personal take on it! Maybe you should consider it. Stay strong!

Click to expand...

Yeah, I used to deal more with hypersexuality hah, whenever I met a girl I just wanted to have sex... Now it just feels like a big void. This probably has a lot to do with the fact I broke up with my ltr gf a little before the onset of this feeling (or lack of feeling).

I have never ever not MO since like I was 14 so I actually expect this to be insane, and will probably MO in like a week to see if it still takes me to a bad place, and if it does, well, guess that means that what I should do explains itself!

prozilla said:

CaptBadger said:

Should I start trying on hard mode?

Click to expand...

Do you think you're making progress with your current strategy? If not, Hard Mode is always an option. Granted, Hard mode is HARD mode for a reason. Best of luck.

Click to expand...

I am, the mental clarity of not watching porn is astounding. Being aware of it is completely mind blowing, like noticing how many times a day you think of it. Do you think everyone is like this? Or is it more of a porn addict thing?
However, the progress is not as much as I could be doing if I distanced my MOs more, and I noticed that yesterday, so that will probably be a better answer.

Thanks to you both for your comments and best wishes. Will keep updating these thread and will make sure to help in your journeys.

DAY 5
It's only 12:35, but so far so good. I actually have noticed that a lot of my emotions come from a feeling of "voidness", not being able to feel "anything"; Not sure if it relates to the way my dick works right now, I guess that's whatever, but it likely does... I always thought of it as an A to B thing where "dick doesn't work" -> "don't want to be with anyone and feel void", when in reality, it could be more of a B to A thing. Going by this hypothesis then the void was triggered by something else, say breaking up from a ltr and then having mediocre sex and coming to face with the fact that she wasn't my ex and that the pain of a breakup is real; that might have been the moment I noticed how real it truly was

Is it a common thing to feel void after a break up? One would think that after 7 months the feels would have disappeared, but I was so busy thinking of other stuff and wallowing that I guess I kind of never gave room for my thoughts and true feels to really come through...

A lot of this might be because I am starting to take on the practice of meditation as well as quitting porn. Being able to slowly and steadily make the disruptive thoughts of inadequateness cause of dick stuff go away has finally allowed a lot of other emotions and believes to start slowly coming out.

Lots of food for the brain.

Just deleted all of my porn, 28 GB.

DAY# 6

Had a bad dream in which I was going to have sex and couldn't so I took viagra and she found out and wasn't cool with it. Jeez, thanks subconscious. Woke up with anxiety and a bad mood.

Other than that the day is going good so far, still having disruptive thoughts of inadequateness, but I understand that it is a long-term fight and I am convincing myself that I am going to win it.

Is it possible to enter a flatline at 6 days?

Felt great today and was in a good mood for most of the time, despite the fact that I was super busy. Spent an hour chilling with a bro.

Broke the no masturbation rule, but I got a 100% hard erection without porn and it felt great, so mo regrets there! Will not abuse though, no masturbation until at least next week.

Seems like picking up these good habits is actually giving good results! I hope that I am able to keep going in this line.

Was drunk at a party, just had sex using a blue pill. That was fun. Not sure if good or bad, but fun.

Day # 14:

So, second week huh? I am really glad to say that ever since a couple of days of starting meditating and spacing my MOs a bit more, my penis has been coming back. I got morning boner the other day, and have gotten a couple of random erections this past week.

Today the thought of "so hey, if it works now then I can watch porn right?", and then I remembered how dumb that thought was... It probably works BECAUSE I am not watching porn. Having more control over my thoughts and not feeling like such an slave of them is a great feeling.

Hope everyone is doing great, will continue strong to defeat this addictions.