HOCD Advice/Opinion?

Hi guys,

I'm new to the forum and think this is the best place to ask for advice.

Several years back the symptom of what I believe to be OCD struck and my fixation was on penis.

My story is quite long and arduous hence why I deem it appropriate to seek advice from members who have gone through HOCD/OCD via PM so I can explain my issues in greater detail if anyone is willing.

The most important aspect is of me deciding to consult with a professional therapist (I should have done this years back) and attempting to rid myself of porn addiction as I believe it can help my issues tremendously.

Any replies are greatly appreciated and thanks for taking the time to read.

Welcome to the forum and good for you in having the courage to post. Quite honestly, I don't think most guys are going to make the effort to exchange PM's with you. I've mostly used PM only with accountability partners.

I recommend you tell your story right here. Many folks have posted "long and arduous" stories on here and there's a benefit to you in getting it out of the closet, so to speak. I mean, if you feel guilty about it being WAY too long, just cut it down to the main points, lol.

Wishing you lots of luck.

Thanks for reading and I'll summarize (apologies if long) as best I can...

I'll begin with a backstory,

From as long as I can remember, I've always been attracted to girls/women (I still am and always will be). I began watching porn aged 14 in '06. I got hooked like nobody's business and started to masturbate at least 2 times daily. When I first started watching, I would only watch lesbian content. Slowly I made the transition to male on female porn (when I watch, I only focus on the woman being pounded).

Roughly 2010 is when the so called "symptoms" of what I think are OCD appeared (how does a woman receive pleasure? You can tell a man does by arousal easily). I thought nothing of it for a few months until I couldn't get these crappy images/thoughts of penis out of my head.

Then I stumbled on shemales. I was already aroused from looking at porn pics of women until I saw one popup (I tested myself, thinking if you're not gay it should go down, I can't remember clearly whether or not I got flaccid.

Anyhow, what I do remember is watching a shemale on female video but just concentrating on the penis (I did get an erection). Not trying to make excuses, but again I can't remember clearly whether I was thinking along the lines of "imagine how that woman in the video is being pounded/humiliated" while watching the penis or purely focussing on the penis itself. That erection was like one I never experienced before. I was so anxious at the time, I was thinking, please don't get an erection and I even felt a little fearful.

Jumping to the present, I have never had an erection whilst just focussing on a penis whether on a man or a shemale. From the point of that video all those years back I thought, porn is now ****ing with my mind, I ain't ever going to watch that kind (shemale) of shit again. Sure enough, I continued to watch straight videos and occasionally lesbian videos.

Just to get this out of the open, I have never had an erection over any man in reality whilst out and about, only ever women. In terms of sex life, I have none, I made a personal vow to remain a virgin until marriage (this I've decided to be arranged as I'm Indian, have always individually thought of wanting to get married like this). There is no force on Earth that would make me go to an escort or brothel let alone have a gay experience. My libido is off the charts and the only outlet is porn, as I've ruled out losing virginity in a pre-marital sense.

Finally coming onto my issue, if I try to masturbate fantasizing with my mind, I just cannot visualise pussy, and this is what is killing me. Say for example, I try to get off imagining a sexy woman I like just pleasuring herself (or any sexual position involving me and the woman), I can think of pussy briefly before it turns into a penis. It's been so bad recently that my mind has been conditioned to think of erect penis on a woman (think of it as trying to fight these visions constantly).

Rationally speaking, I know that I am not gay (I have nothing against gay folk or transsexuals, they can do as they please), I have even gone so far as sarcastically jerking off (I start off with viewing girls then concentrating on the penis of the guy). As I expect, I go from fully erect to being as limp as a fish flaccid. The sensible part of my brains tells me, you aren't aroused by pictures or videos of penis, then why the hell does it pop up on a woman when I try to fantasize?

Personally I think it's associated with the shame of getting erect to what is out of step with my sexuality and not being able to shake it off. Back when that incident happened, I knew nothing of mental issues (nothing at all). After speaking with my doctor about this issue, he recommended seeing a therapist that is qualified to practice CBT therapy.

So whilst I wait, my intention was to ask if anyone had similar issues that were induced by porn? I believe if I wasn't such an addict in the first place none of this crap would have happened. I'm taking steps to cut it out of my life and the longest I had ever lasted was a mere two weeks.

Hey RGT...

Thanks for sharing your story. For most of us on here, we are not easily shocked as we have heard it all before! I can't say for sure what's going on in your situation, but it's a known fact that as porn addiction progresses, the user doesn't get off on the same stimuli as time passes. It gets old, and to maintain the same dopamine rush, the user turns to other forms of sexuality that are outside his natural tendency. And it continues. Then this new interest, or fetish, begins to fail to produce the same dopamine high so the user searches for ever more unusual or seemingly bizarre variants of sexuality to maintain the same level of high. You'll see dozens and dozens of guys on these forums that have experienced exactly the same thing.

If you follow your doctor's decision to see a therapist for CBT, that's fine, as long as the CBT is about quitting porn. But if it's about changing your most recent sexual fetish, I wouldn't bother, because that fetish is not your true, natural sexuality. Whatever is normal for you will return to be dominant once you quit porn.

Again, kudos to you for having the courage to post your story here. Posting it not only helps you, it helps the rest of us, too.

"There is no force on Earth that would make me go to an escort or brothel let alone have a gay experience. My libido is off the charts and the only outlet is porn, as I've ruled out losing virginity in a pre-marital sense."

This is the right decision.  I've read a lot of stories on here about people furthering their fetish to try to kill it.  They want to "get it out of their system" or test it and see exactly how far it goes.  It will go as far as you take it, but not because it is innate in you, just because you're taking it there.

None of us like the version of ourselves that we see in porn.  The good news is that those traits are usually just versions of the porn version of yourself, not the real you.  Culture at large wants us to think that the deeper we go, the more we are "discovering ourselves", but the porn world has kinda shown that if you discover something about yourself via porn, it is likely a lie.

Good luck!

One of the biggest mistakes porn addicts make is confusing their use of porn, their porn preference, with their actual sexuality.

Sex is not porn.  Porn is not sex.  Pretty obvious when you think about it, but, especially for newbies, somewhat counter intuitive. Porn is a tool, a button.  We push it to get a dopamine rush.  Oversimplified, yes, but perfectly adequate to understand the problem.  It is the dopamine rush that we love, and the dopamine rush we become addicted to.

So, I see a lot of guys here saying "I am addicted to category X porn", X being whatever category they are using to get off at the moment.  Those guys are wrong, as is anyone reading this that thinks they are addicted to any "category" of porn.  Again, porn is not addictive; it is the dopamine reaction it leads to that is addictive to us.  This is important to understand.

The dopamine reaction is 100% above the belt, a brain reaction.  Sex, on the other hand, involves actual physical contact, and is, in significant part, a below the belt activity. RGT, you talk about making a "transition" from some categories to others.  Actually, I would like you to think of it the same way, but use some different words that are a bit more accurate.

When it comes to abusing the human brain's dopamine reward system, about the time we hit puberty, we become very sensitive to a dopamine high.  This translates to us all becoming very fascinated with sexual thoughts.  That has been our reality for a long, long time.  But, when we invented HSIP, we invented a new way to have new and novel sexual thoughts, infinitely.  This means we can have new, novel, sexual thoughts, infinitely, meaning we can have a never ending dopamine rush, for the rest of our lives.  That is what makes the addiction possible.

Understand, porn addiction is arousal addiction.  Arousal addicts, unlike substance addicts, do not need "more" of it, we need "new and different" of it. Both types of addictions experience sensitization and desensitization.  When a substance addict desensitizes to thir drug, they need more of their drug. When an arousal addict desensitizes to their arousal mechanism, they need new and different.  When you talk about "transitioning" from one category to the other, what you are describing is desensitizing to one category, become disinterested in it, and sensitizing to another "new and different" category, or finding it interesting. For a lot of people, if they are addicted long enough, over time they "move through the categories" in that never ending patter of sensitization and desensitization.  The new category that becomes interesting to them usually has a bit of shock value to it. That means a lot of people escalate from vanilla porn to fetishes, or, in the case of a number of persons, gay porn.  Remember, the porn you use to obtain your dopamine high has nothing to do with your actual orientation, and so that escalation can happen regardless of your orientation. 

If this describes you, it means you have watched enough porn, for long enough, that you desensitized to whatever vanilla porn category you started with, and you have sensitized to gay porn.  If that has happened, it is no tragedy, but the fix is to quit using porn to get a dopamine rush.  You have to rebalance your brain, train it, teach it, to exist without using artificial sexual stimulation to obtain a dopamine high.  Once you get back to, more or less, pre porn levels, you can explore your sexuality, as opposed to what porn button you need to push to get your dopamine high.  I usually recommend the hard 90, 90 days no porn, and avoiding sexual thought as much as possible. Many have done that and reported it helps. 

Hello again guys and thanks for taking the time to reply...

If I can clarify a few more points (I realize the first post was quite an essay)...

When I meant that there is nothing that would make me go to a brothel/escort/prostitute, I meant woman. I should have said due to my personal beliefs, there is nothing that can make me lose virginity prior to marriage by resorting to the above mentioned. You would see me in the coffin before I resort to a gay/transexual person for a "experience/fling".

Second point I'd like to make is, I have never watched/transitioned to a gay (guy on guy or shemale on shemale) video in my life. There is also nothing that can consciously make me watch those types of videos, as I have no interest in it whatsoever. My habits have always been man on woman or woman on woman.

William, I understand your post is logical and clarifies many misconceptions about addiction. I know full well my sexuality and it is straight, without a shadow of a doubt. My problem revolves around the shame and guilt around getting aroused by that video many years back. For example, I can recall the transexual in that video dominating the woman, doing all kinds of perverse shit. I absolutely did not want to get an erection, hence why I explained that it felt like one I never had before, and it was fearful. I intentionally watched the penis as what I think is OCD was "testing" me to view.

I've never been formally diagnosed with a mental condition and I do regret not seeing a psychiatrist earlier in relation to that incident.

I would find it quite easy to quit porn if I could fantasize effectively, I know this may be difficult to understand, but I will try to make my problem/issue as clear cut as I can...

If I want to imagine a woman, in any scenario, naked for example, or me undressing her or imagining sex (this is almost impossible in first person because I've never done it), penis appears rather than pussy. The less stressed I am, I can visualise pussy more clearly (without interruption). It's like always getting bombarded with invasive thoughts that you don't want to see when you fantasize.

A simple example would be, trying to see a woman pleasure herself, full on naked. I've suffered with this for several years now and it's debilitating. I just don't understand why this happens when I fantasize. When I actually see the damn thing with my own eyes, or watch a gif of a woman masturbating, I get wild with excitement, if I see a dick in reality, I get turned off immediately.

As I mentioned in my previous post, when I meant sarcastically jerking off, lets say I would be looking at lesbian pics on Google images, when some crap pops up with a woman giving a guy a blowjob. I lose my erection. I've even tried jerked off over it and I go from being fully hard back to flaccid. Under the right conditions, when I see pussy either via video or just an image, It's enough to give me a super hard on. When I see or focus on a dick deliberately I get turned off.

So I've been tormented going around in circles for many years of trying to "cleanse/purify" my fantasy if I use thought alone compared to porn. I have decided to take up the 90 day term as I know it will reset dopamine levels and result in better erections. Another reason is because I want to lose virginity in a pleasurable way (last thing I want is trouble getting it up).

What worries me is the fact that I've lost the ability to fantasize as I should. Even in non-sexual contexts, I'd try to imagine a woman bare, the invasive dick comes to mind in place of where her pussy should be. Based on research this is what makes me believe this could be some kind of sexual OCD. The last thing I want is to have this disgusting image of my wife somehow having a dick.

I apologise for turning this into a mental health like post but I do think that is what is happening to me. There is no doubt that I've also become addicted to porn and would bet that I'd have no problems fantasizing If I never became such an addict.                                       

Hey RGT... I just typed kind of a lengthy reply about the possibility of you having some kind of OCD, but perhaps not HOCD. Then I somehow managed to lose the entire reply. I have OCD myself and I think I could probably shed some light on your situation and maybe ease your mind a bit. Frankly I am too tired to rewrite the entire reply right now, but PM me if you'd like and we can continue the conversation.

In the meantime, please try to ease up on yourself if you can. You are really being hard on yourself. Your issues may be be largely due to OCD and not moral failing of your own.

Hey man, I know exactly what your going through, I'm the same, I started watching porn when I was 14, never thought about dicks, now I'm 26 and I think about dicks and having sex with men when I'm horny, and unfortunately I've acted out and I've had sex with men.

Like you I started to get into shemale porn, I never kiss a man, I never do anything romantic, all I mind wants is to suck dick and get pounded in my ass. I even have thought about going into prostitution.

I'll always love women more, I'm still very attracted to a womans body, but the gay/bi thoughts are slowly taking over me. If you need to PM me just do it man.

Hi JRTuk

Just step away from porn use. It's easier said than done, of course.

If you still feel the need to be the receptive partner in a homosexual encounter after 6 months then perhaps this is your orientation. I suspect from what you've said that this isn't true and that desensitisation has pushed you to seek novel experiences in order to get your dopamine hit.

I developed an interest in sissy porn, listened to hypnos and thought that the only thing I wanted in my life was to dress like a girl and be a submissive sex slave. I even contacted a gay friend I've known for years and asked him if he'd consider doing me. He said, yes. Fortunately he lives in another city so I've not acted out on this.

Fast forward 60 days! I haven't had any sissy thoughts for about a month. I haven't thought about sucking dick since the second week of my reboot. I still can't get hard with my girlfriend but the point is that my fetishes are disappearing quite quickly.

Try to stay away from all porn. Give yourself a 48 hour target and then try to add another 24 hours if you succeed. Most, if not all of us relapse. Good luck!

JRTuk, if u dont mind me asking, can u explain more ur experience, feelings when u had sex with men? How u felt? Does it caused u identity crisis? U stayed hard and enjoy it? Can u please explain the whole thing as i am curious. And for all who have ocd (any type of ocd) i highly recommend reading a book called mindfulness worbook for ocd, it is extremly helpful and might get u cured. Best of luck.

My HOCD was totally cured during my reboot, I went through a hard and long Flatline where I was totally asexual, finally, my libido and passion for women returned, HOCD did not.

Hi Kulik242.

How long did it take you to recover? I'm suffering with HOCD, although it seems to be disappearing and my reboot continues. I feel totally asexual at the moment.

Can you imagine being intimate or sexual with a man?  If the idea is perverse to you then you are straight.  If not you are gay.  I'm not talking about homophobia here.  I am not talking about what other people do.  I am talking about your sexuality.  Is it exclusive to women or does it include men? 

mousemat1 said:

Hi Kulik242.

How long did it take you to recover? I'm suffering with HOCD, although it seems to be disappearing and my reboot continues. I feel totally asexual at the moment.

Click to expand...

Let's see, I flatlined hard for the first 4 months - no HOCD as my libido was completely gone,
afterwards, it was a little better for like 2-3 more months it was a rollercoaster of up's and down's - I still got some HOCD flashbacks then, but really few and I fell no inclination to pursue them,
it stabilized afterwards but my libido was still very low - no HOCD, I was basicaly cured.
I had to kickstart with masturbation (in fact, I had to re-learn to masturbate, it fell really uncomfortable at first), now, I have a high libido, and HOCD is gone.
Good luck.

Thanks kulik242.

You post is very reassuring. I'm also flatlining hard at the moment, 3 months in. I was just thinking that today I have no real urge to look at porn or fantasise.

I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength.