Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
Do we ever truly recover from the damage done to us? My partner's PA planted such a negative self-image in my mind that I don't believe I can ever properly overcome those feelings.
If I was unattached I know I would probably feel better about accepting myself as I am and I would have a far more positive body image. I spent my early adult life never doubting myself in this respect. It's not even as if growing older has changed me that much either. I eat well, I don't drink very much, don't smoke, and try and take care of myself. I care more about my health on the inside than what I look like on the outside, and I'm more interested in reading and being open to ideas and experiences than obsessing over celebrities and fashion. I know that I'm doing the "right" things. In theory, I should be more confident about being myself. I know porn is garbage, it's not remotely "sexy" as far as I'm concerned, and I wouldn't change places with any of the performers. So why do I feel like shit?
I had the misfortune of seeing some of what my husband watched and I guess I was struck by the consistent themes that I find a bit difficult, like the fetishisation of huge breasts, which I truly cannot understand. Yesterday I was reading online some accounts by young women who say they have been made to feel completely inadequate because they have small breasts, sometimes by boyfriends suggesting they get enlargements, and others who keep their bras on during sex because they are self conscious about not being big enough. Then you get men coming along with their clumsy replies and it's like "small or large, I like them all" and "I prefer big ones but small ones aren't a deal breaker" ? attitudes like that make me sick. And then you get the sensible people who say "if that's the kind of guy you're with you should kick him to the curb and find someone who appreciates you as you are".
When my husband was using porn he ended up never even touching my breasts. So you can imagine my shock when I saw all this big and XXL tit porn with all the tit ****ing ? something he never hinted that he was interested in or turned on by ? yet this was my husband's choice in porn, a man who never even touched my breasts. So how do I feel after that? It's not even as if I'm flat-chested or anything.
I wonder if I actually married one of those guys who would have thought "I prefer big tits but small ones aren't a deal breaker". It's such a fucking awful thought because I wouldn't let one of those idiot creeps anywhere near me if I had the slightest inkling that they thought that about me. Quite honestly, a man who thinks like that has no right to touch me and would never have the privilege.
But it's not as if I'm a young girl and I'm dating some guy I could dump when I realise he's an asshole. If you realise one day that you might have actually married someone who thought (or thinks) like that, it's quite sickening. It doesn't make sense to break up a relationship for this reason but I still feel wretched.
It's not just the breast size issue either. There's the age of the women in porn, no more than girls really. There's something unethical about a man getting off to someone decades younger than he is which I find quite creepy. And that's quite an unpleasant realisation too.
I don't want to go through life believing myself as substandard. I know that I don't actually believe that, it's being in a relationship with a recovering porn addict and all the garbage he was associating "pleasure" with, it's so fucking nauseating. When I look back all those years ago, when I believed we had great sex and that he found my body such a turn on, now I think I was just some poor delusional fool. He looks back and he sees how he trashed something beautiful and precious ? the delicate intimacy and sensuality that he stupidly took for granted, because whatever he was looking for, wherever he tried to find it, he never found a better experience. I know that. But the worst of it was this disregard and disrespect towards my body, and as my body was something I shared with him and nobody else, for him to seek out something more his "type" is utter disrespect, to the extent that he ended up not even touching my breasts during lovemaking. For men to say that their porn behavior is not any reflection on their partner, I can't agree with that at all, and it's something I feel I can't get over.
If I was unattached I know I would probably feel better about accepting myself as I am and I would have a far more positive body image. I spent my early adult life never doubting myself in this respect. It's not even as if growing older has changed me that much either. I eat well, I don't drink very much, don't smoke, and try and take care of myself. I care more about my health on the inside than what I look like on the outside, and I'm more interested in reading and being open to ideas and experiences than obsessing over celebrities and fashion. I know that I'm doing the "right" things. In theory, I should be more confident about being myself. I know porn is garbage, it's not remotely "sexy" as far as I'm concerned, and I wouldn't change places with any of the performers. So why do I feel like shit?
I had the misfortune of seeing some of what my husband watched and I guess I was struck by the consistent themes that I find a bit difficult, like the fetishisation of huge breasts, which I truly cannot understand. Yesterday I was reading online some accounts by young women who say they have been made to feel completely inadequate because they have small breasts, sometimes by boyfriends suggesting they get enlargements, and others who keep their bras on during sex because they are self conscious about not being big enough. Then you get men coming along with their clumsy replies and it's like "small or large, I like them all" and "I prefer big ones but small ones aren't a deal breaker" ? attitudes like that make me sick. And then you get the sensible people who say "if that's the kind of guy you're with you should kick him to the curb and find someone who appreciates you as you are".
When my husband was using porn he ended up never even touching my breasts. So you can imagine my shock when I saw all this big and XXL tit porn with all the tit ****ing ? something he never hinted that he was interested in or turned on by ? yet this was my husband's choice in porn, a man who never even touched my breasts. So how do I feel after that? It's not even as if I'm flat-chested or anything.
I wonder if I actually married one of those guys who would have thought "I prefer big tits but small ones aren't a deal breaker". It's such a fucking awful thought because I wouldn't let one of those idiot creeps anywhere near me if I had the slightest inkling that they thought that about me. Quite honestly, a man who thinks like that has no right to touch me and would never have the privilege.
But it's not as if I'm a young girl and I'm dating some guy I could dump when I realise he's an asshole. If you realise one day that you might have actually married someone who thought (or thinks) like that, it's quite sickening. It doesn't make sense to break up a relationship for this reason but I still feel wretched.
It's not just the breast size issue either. There's the age of the women in porn, no more than girls really. There's something unethical about a man getting off to someone decades younger than he is which I find quite creepy. And that's quite an unpleasant realisation too.
I don't want to go through life believing myself as substandard. I know that I don't actually believe that, it's being in a relationship with a recovering porn addict and all the garbage he was associating "pleasure" with, it's so fucking nauseating. When I look back all those years ago, when I believed we had great sex and that he found my body such a turn on, now I think I was just some poor delusional fool. He looks back and he sees how he trashed something beautiful and precious ? the delicate intimacy and sensuality that he stupidly took for granted, because whatever he was looking for, wherever he tried to find it, he never found a better experience. I know that. But the worst of it was this disregard and disrespect towards my body, and as my body was something I shared with him and nobody else, for him to seek out something more his "type" is utter disrespect, to the extent that he ended up not even touching my breasts during lovemaking. For men to say that their porn behavior is not any reflection on their partner, I can't agree with that at all, and it's something I feel I can't get over.