Hello,
My name is Mart. I'm 29 years old and I a minister/ chaplain. I started looking at sexual material when I was 13 years old. My mother found me looking at porn when I was 16, and was extremely distraught about it. I come from a Christian household so it's pretty taboo. Last month I went 18 days without PMO. I was reading a lot of literature (Your Brain On Porn) and another Christian book after that book. It helped me recognize the dangers of porn. I've tried multiple/ many times kicking my habit. I've gone 3 months without it, had multiple accountability partners. I still have an accountability partner, but we talk once every 2 or so weeks. I still live my parents, and I have my computer in my bedroom. I've tried breathing, meditation, mindfulness etc. I've done exercise before (I run long distance). I usually use porn once a week, or every 3-4 days.
I heard keeping a journal is good. And I am working on more intimacy with others, less isolating myself, and feeling lonely. I'm not sure the core issues, but they are often emotional. When I feel like life hasn't met up with my expectations. I realize a lot of it comes to my frustrations with relationships with the opposite sex. A lot of guilt and shame from failed opportunities, negative self-talk. Failing to meet my own self-expectations, of where I should be in life. I've fed myself the lie that it's okay to indulge in such pleasure as long as people don't know, and that I don't hurt others in real life. So far my habit hasn't escalated at all, and stops after ejaculation. But I realized the need to keep a journal online, to share more about my struggles and bring it out into light, in order to reform my brain and my unhealthy sexual habits. I want to have pure thoughts towards women. I'm not dating, and it's been three years since my last romantic relationship.
I'm a bit scared to come out like this, it's been a while since I've written in a journal on the internet. But I think it's the first step in my recovery. Anyways thanks for reading. Will try to keep this updated every day, at least that is my intention. Thank you for reading. And for those on the same struggle/ whether faith-based or not. It's real. And it's worth the fight to reclaim what we were meant to be, and that's freedom to create real and authentic relationships.
Peace
My name is Mart. I'm 29 years old and I a minister/ chaplain. I started looking at sexual material when I was 13 years old. My mother found me looking at porn when I was 16, and was extremely distraught about it. I come from a Christian household so it's pretty taboo. Last month I went 18 days without PMO. I was reading a lot of literature (Your Brain On Porn) and another Christian book after that book. It helped me recognize the dangers of porn. I've tried multiple/ many times kicking my habit. I've gone 3 months without it, had multiple accountability partners. I still have an accountability partner, but we talk once every 2 or so weeks. I still live my parents, and I have my computer in my bedroom. I've tried breathing, meditation, mindfulness etc. I've done exercise before (I run long distance). I usually use porn once a week, or every 3-4 days.
I heard keeping a journal is good. And I am working on more intimacy with others, less isolating myself, and feeling lonely. I'm not sure the core issues, but they are often emotional. When I feel like life hasn't met up with my expectations. I realize a lot of it comes to my frustrations with relationships with the opposite sex. A lot of guilt and shame from failed opportunities, negative self-talk. Failing to meet my own self-expectations, of where I should be in life. I've fed myself the lie that it's okay to indulge in such pleasure as long as people don't know, and that I don't hurt others in real life. So far my habit hasn't escalated at all, and stops after ejaculation. But I realized the need to keep a journal online, to share more about my struggles and bring it out into light, in order to reform my brain and my unhealthy sexual habits. I want to have pure thoughts towards women. I'm not dating, and it's been three years since my last romantic relationship.
I'm a bit scared to come out like this, it's been a while since I've written in a journal on the internet. But I think it's the first step in my recovery. Anyways thanks for reading. Will try to keep this updated every day, at least that is my intention. Thank you for reading. And for those on the same struggle/ whether faith-based or not. It's real. And it's worth the fight to reclaim what we were meant to be, and that's freedom to create real and authentic relationships.
Peace