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just wanted to write something.

im feeling so sucky. im emotionally fragile. i get upset so easy. i feel total disapproval and separation from this life in totality, real quickly for some silly reason someone says something or i lose something and i just want to go away, die.

thinking about dying is actually giving me less depression than not thinking about it. its like a remainder that if things go any worse i can just end it.

im utter worthless piece of used up toilet brush.

i can end it though, it gives me options. having an option to end this feels better then being stuck with this.

Dont feel so sucky nikola. You have made a feat thatvery few will ever manage. own it. Enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Hi Nikola, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Do you feel you are doing the same things every day, day after day? If so, there is no possible way for your headspace to change. There needs to be new things (new hobbies, new practices, new pursuits) in order to induce new feelings about life. I believe any person who feels like their life sucks needs to introduce at least 4 news things in order to feel like their life is on a new track:

1) a new social involvement. That might be a club, a sport, a community project, even a recovery group like AA or something similar would count. Anything where you interact with new people you didn't previously know and you see them every week.

2) new hobby. Something different that involves creativity: musical instrument, building something, learning a new sport. Anything that involves building new skills is stimulating to the brain. Even better if you can access it every day.

3) new learning. Doing a short or long course of study that gives you some new knowledge, skills or training. This can give you a sense of entering a new phase in life that takes you beyond your current state of feeling stuck. Doesn't have to be a huge thing for starters. If you do manual physical work, it could just be a different skill that interests you. Like learning to weld metal or make furniture. Or it could be doing a business course to learn how to run your own business in the area you already work. Just something different that gives you new skills and presents new ideas to you. Even learning a new language, a cooking course, building a boat, who knows, could be anything really.

4) more physical exercise. Walking, cycling, jogging, something to do every day or every other day which gets your heart pumping and produces natural endorphins. Very mood elevating, clears out stress chemicals and toxins. If your diet is poor, you should also try to eat better.

I don't care who it is, anybody who makes changes in these 4 areas will feel different about their life within weeks. People who don't make these changes don't feel different because there's no way to change. Depressed people become lazy about their lives, they don't tend to make effort in any of these areas, let alone all 4 of them. Yet this is the difference between depressed people and non-depressed people. Non-depressed people let new things in. Depressed people stick to what they know.

Please have a think about this, Nikola.

Best wishes,
M.

Gotta dig into your emotions man, feel em and let them charge you up, until they motivate you towards what you really want

I changed up my life quite radically. i started working 50h per week which means im also around people 50h more per week. im also less time at home, a lot less because even if im not working im outisde riding my bike, working out, hanging out with someone or walking my dog. because i dont want work/home/work/home routine.

i been working out for the last 5 years regularly.

i think my changes led me to my most recent streak of 3 weeks. 3 weeks is really good for me, really good but with time i feel like life is shit at the core no matter how much i change inside, outside and no matter how much i ditch porn and masturbation. could be reboot withdrawal symptom to feel like piece of shit that is about to get flushed down but its really hard to believe its this bad.

i feel alright now compared to when i first wrote this but i have mood swings so i may get upset or sad real quick. some silly thing could fuck me up.