The Most Difficult Journey --> A New Beginning

Hey everyone

I'm a 24 year old and I've recently had an experience where I wasn't able to have an erection with a girl I was with. I was definitely attracted to her and wanted to show it, but I couldn't and it was defeating. So i researched about porn addiction and NOFAP about a month ago. I tried PMO for about a week and I was strong, but I realized that i was often using it to run away from difficult situations cause of my past. I was domestically abused by my stepdad for years, and the only way for me to escape was to watch porn and feel good in the moment. I know it's psychologically damaged me for years (currently a medical student so I understand the science behind it all), but it's been difficult for me to stop. I started exercising again and am taking cold showers now so that's a positive. However, I've messed up about 3/4 times now.

Yesterday, I messed up again because I was talking to this girl and it was going really well but suddenly she stopped texting m (even though our date went pretty well lol, she even wanted to go somewhere for lunch today). So I was angry for a few hours and it manifested in me watching porn again. This is hella difficult.

I've watched videos from multiple people on NOFAP and even started reading the book by Noah Church. Hopefully that's going to be a way for me to get the self help I need.

I'm trying to be as proactive as I can. First, I've developed a plan where if I feel like I'm going to relapse for any reason, I'm just going to walk out of my room and out onto my balcony (kinda difficult to masturbate from the balcony of a high rise in a big city, a lot of people would notice lol). Second, I'm going to continue to focus on my exercise and will take cold showers after each one. It has been very difficult for me to have self confidence and I'm not overweight but I've always had issues with my image. I guess it's the stress of trying to develop a 6 pack since that's the only way to get girls who actually are interested in you initially. I mean I get the whole liking your personality thing, but I think the initial attraction has to be physical in some sense. Idk, I feel like as someone who's 5'8" and not really super muscular, kinda lost with women with the looks category lol.

So besides my personal issues, which clearly have played a role with my obstacles, I've also sought psychological help since I know being in medical school has caused me to get anxiety and depressive symptoms. This is one of the hardest roads I have ever faced in my life, so being able to quit something like this when you're constantly alone and overworked adds another layer of difficulty to the process of quitting. This becomes even harder since I lost one of my closest friends to suicide a few months ago (he was also a medical student with depression).

I feel like I'm lost. Do I understand what I need to do to quit? Absolutely. Do I understand the effects and pathophysiology of this disorder? No doubt. Have I even heard testimonials from other people who have quit and seen the other side? Yea.

Then why the FUCK has it been so hard for me to let it go? What is this void I have which I have to fill with masturbation? Why is it such a difficult road to endure? How much goddamn dopamine does my Ventral tegmental area generating to send to the nucleus accumbens and is it possible to alter the mesolimbic pathway so I can get dopamine from another activity?

I'm sorry, but this is ruining my life. The lows are really low, and the highs aren't felt at all. I literally live in an amazing place in an amazing city going to a pretty good medical school and am considering becoming a surgeon. And I'm just constantly worried about achieving the quickest orgasms from images that aren't even real. I don't get it.

If you've read this far, I appreciate it. If you could offer some advice if you relate, that would be super helpful. I'm just trying to work my way to a place where I can create the willpower to stop this forever. I need help.


 
Day 1:

- Exercise: Going to do leg day warm up/4 min planks/ some abs/ 30 pushups/30 situps.
- Cold shower will be a must. Need to target my fear every day.
- Need to run errands and watch World Cup matches
- May go to a coffee shop and read my book
- Run to grocery store and get HEALTHY food.
- Have patience. Be occupied with something.
 
Thanks for your advice Quasimodo!

Day 2:

- Update to yesterday: had a weird issue with one of the girls I'm talking. Kind of hard for me to talk to her about my issue but I also don't really like her that much lol so I'm confused about what to do. Started getting anxious and stuff so had temptations to give in, but decided against it. Finished all the tasks I had planned; planks suck. 

- Exercise: might take an off day today, but if I have the urges again, I'm going to hit weights and maybe do chest and back.
- Going to tutor someone for about 1/2 hours so that'll get my mind off things (and some money lol) 
- Definitely getting a cold shower in
- Germany v Mexico has been chill. Getting bored in the middle but trying to do other things so I don't get back into my room and feel lazy and then give in.
- Might go chill with some friends this evening just to get out of the house.
- Going to read some more tonight to keep occupied
- Learning about investments on the spare time.
 
Day 3:

- Update to yesterday: It was a chill day! Woke up and watched some world cup, hung out with some friends, did 3.1 miles of running, I went and tutored, and tried to keep myself as occupied as possible! I did slip up a little bit and watch this Erika Lust movie that one of my friends had suggested to me and it was interesting lol, but I didn't relapse. However, I did watch a video last night on edging and how it can be very bad even to watch porn without masturbation, or even trying to masturbate without orgasms, so needless to say that's not happening again.

- Update to today: Hella busy day! Had work in the morning till around, went to the beach, got back and went running for another 2 miles with a friend, we had dinner later, and now about to hit the bed! It was great being occupied, I really didn't want to be faced with these stupid down time so I've realized that If I'm just occupied it's so much easier not to relapse. I think exercise will be my way to alleviate stresses and also diminish my down time.

Goals for tomorrow:
- Exercise: Light cardio warm up 3 mins, Bench Press (barbell, flatbench, machine), Triceps (skullcrushers, traditional)
- Do work in the morning
- Run some errands to not come home early
- Hang out with friends at 2 for the World Cup game
- Maybe go to dinner with friends as a get together
- Pray to keep me grounded
- Try to read some more of the Noah Church and 12 steps book recommended by Doc Washington
 
Day 4:

- Update to today: Had an exhausting day trying to get some paperwork done and was running around on campus! Thankfully found ways to get some stuff out of the way and watched World Cup with friends. Came home and took a nap, was scared about relapsing so put my phone away on the other table where I couldn't reach it. Then, went to dinner with friends, and came back and hit the gym to do chest and tri's as planned, and then added abs on top of it to completely exhaust myself.

Goals for tomorrow:
- Exercise: At least 2 mile run, maybe hit upper back if I'm feeling it.
- Do work in the morning and afternoon
- Game night with friends
- Pray to keep me grounded
 
Day 7:

Update to past 3 days: Been super hectic. Keeping myself busy with work and hanging out with friends. Also, workouts have been on point so taking the day off today to relax before I start back up tomorrow!

Goals for tomorrow:
- Hit up basketball in the morning
- Work on some errands
- relax at home with some work
- hang out with friends at night

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New Achievement Unlocked: 1 WEEK COMPLETE!
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Day 8:

Almost relapsed this morning. Was in bed just relaxing when I woke up and then I had this sudden urge just to watch porn, but that's a really dangerous road! Edging is horrible for you, and I can't fall into the trap of doing that, it will only hurt my journey. Thankfully, did not fall into the urges and stopped before it got too bad. I'm going to have breakfast and then go play some basketball, hopefully that will clear my mind! Also, just laying in bed when I wake up and have nothing to do is a serious trigger. I think the gameplan is to pretty much jump out of bed within 10 mins. Also, now that I bought a new alarm clock, there is no reason to have my phone besides my bed anyways, so that needs to be on the table on the other side of the room.

Making some progress, but it's taking a while.
 
Day 9:

Super busy day at work, didn't leave until 6 pm. Then went to go workout with a friend. Super tired when I came back home, just made myself dinner and studied for a bit. Had urges this morning, which is when I have the worst urges I've realized, so I need to work on that and just getting out of bed quicker. Which now that I'll be waking up at like 4:30 in the morning, shouldn't be a huge issue.
 
Day 1:

So, yea, I relapsed yesterday. And it kind of sucked. I wasn't extremely happy afterwards and I didn't feel all the excitement that I was building up. A ton of guilt overtook me and I just felt like I was at a loss.

But then I realized something.

This isn't a goal. Counting the days is great and I definitely want to be at a stage in my life where I'm not addicted to porn or have these urges anymore. However, there is no pinnacle to acquire. There isn't a peak to reach. This is more than that. It's a journey. And every journey will have it's peaks and valleys. I realize that I will fall as I go through this metamorphosis. But what I hope to achieve with this process is the fact that one day I can be free from these chains that currently bind me. Perhaps it is all a mind game and it just depends on my willpower. Whatever the case may be, I just need to realize that there are going to be some easy days and some hard ones.

Things which led me to relapse: These past few days have been extremely exhausting from work. Granted, my workload and responsibilities have tremendously increased, and a lot more people depend on me now than ever before, so it is sort of terrifying. The work I'm doing is definitely satisfying, and every time I'm in the hospital helping others, it makes me feel like my life was worth it. BUT, it's what happens after that sucks. When I come home now, I don't have the energy to go workout. I just want to lay in bed and just not do anything for like an hour or so. Perhaps it's good to clear my mind since it's overloaded with information every day. This, however, leads me to having my phone right besides me, with easy access. Plus with all my friends also working, it's hard to hang out with anyone. So I'm left to my own vices in my own room.

Things which I will be changing: I realize that fighting against the fatigue will be difficult, but my goal is to not end up laying in my bed. Perhaps I can lay on the couch in the living room. Roommate won't mind, plus I'm definitely not gonna do anything there. If i do lay in my room, the phone MUST be either in the living room or in my bathroom. Just far away so that I'd have to get up to access it. And I will SOMEHOW try to fix in at least a 20-30 min workout everyday, even if it's not directly in a gym. Just 50 pushups and 100 situps in my own room will suffice.

I hate to start over, but to be successful, I think you have to be able to handle failure well and rise above it. I will continue to push on and rinse/repeat what I had done over the past 10 days. Just gotta believe in myself. No more edging, no more stupid mistakes.

Let's move forward.
 
Been a while.

I've been going through various phases of starting and stopping recently.

A lot has happened. Work has gotten busier, new people that I've met, new things I've seen. Ups and down as usual. One thing I've realized is that I'm going to have to handle a lot of curveballs if I continue down this path. Not sure how I'm going to be able to manage it but it needs to happen.

I'm literally starting from Day 0 again today. Not sad. I know I messed up and it's my fault. But I have to get back on the right path. Porn is always pushing me down, and it's usually because of certain triggers. I even know how to get rid of those triggers. I'm going to make this work. I promise.

And so it begins, once again.
 
You got this bro, just be sure to attack this with positivity. That is far and away the most important weapon in a rebooter's arsenal. Treat yourself and think of yourself as somebody worthy of being porn free
 
Day 0 Again


A lot has happened since my last update. I've gone through a lot of ups and downs in my life and I thought things were going to work out. In reality, I relapsed quite a few times. And every time I kept telling myself I can do better. Put my phone away from my bed when I slept. Make sure to keep my laptop away as well. Try to work out every day if I could. Some of these things actually worked out, but in the long run I would always end up in the hole I was in. Looking back, one thing I noticed doing a lot was compromising with myself. For example, I would often say "I'm just gonna watch it but not actually do anything, that way I can still stay in just a little bit". This act, from the videos I have watched is called edging. And it's even worse.

So I'm 12 years into masturbation and this year I've tried to quit at least 6-7 times. Quitting with actual goals and stuff. It's a very difficult task. And even with all the information I've gathered, all the motivational videos watched, all the ups and downs and seeing the consequences of my actions, I'm still a slave to myself.

In the rotations I've been in med school so far, I've met a lot of people dealing with addiction. Most of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I see their suffering, their wanting to quit, knowing that they cling on to even a little bit of hope trying to succeed. They know how much it hurts their body but they can't seem to let it go. I now feel their pain. This is an addiction and I don't really know if I will ever succeed. But I will definitely keep trying. I think everyone reaches a really low point in their life when they wake up and know that they're in such a big hole and they see a part of their life fading in front of them.

I don't know if I ever will be able to have a girl in my life, or a family, or some peace. I don't know if I can have a happy life outside of the dopamine pleasures I get out of masturbation. I don't know if I can just wake up everyday and just really enjoy life for what it is, and make the most of it. But I want to. I want to be able to experience all these feelings.

So, I'm back to square 1. It's a little disheartening, but also relieving to see myself on this forum. I don't want to count the days anymore, because that puts a lot of pressure on an individual to do good. I want to just be happy and leave this out of my life. I just want to enjoy every day to the fullest. Work as hard as I can at my job and make people around me happy. I want to help as many patients as possible and hope to do whatever I can to relieve their issues. I want to spend time with genuine friends and really make the most of my relationships that I have. Finally, I want to find myself again and be comfortable with being who I am.

Here's to another start.
 
C

changemylife

Guest
Yes, edging is a downward valley toward the bottom. It's been my downfall and the reason why I've relapsed 1000 times since I said I wanted to quit. Edging is how the lizard brain likes to whisper in your ear: "You know you want that dopamine high so what are you waiting for? Ah, you want to stay away from masturbation? But this is not the same, it's just a little dopamine high and that's all, as long as you don't ejaculate, you're safe." I have listened to this voice in my head trillions of times, I edged, I exhausted the arousal and left myself feeling empty and wanting for more. Then I ejaculated, wanting for more and no great high came. Then we all know the crushed feeling that comes with relapsing but relapse wasn't only the ejaculation, the relapse started with edging and/or watching porn. I don't know how other people are but I used to look at this like "As long as I don't ejaculate, the streak goes on" but actually the edging and porn watching was my relapse already. If I've learned one thing from this is that, for many people, our mind is not our ally. My whole fucking life I've had problems with my mind not being by my side. It seemed like other people had such an easy time because their mind helped them but it's always being a fucking enemy for me.
As you said, we could do the right things and still it might seem like we could not quit this god damned addiction. It's that hard. The brain likes it that much. Maybe because I and many others have started as kids might make it a lot more difficult. Given the fact that my favorite video games are those NES video games considered "shit" for today standards, tells a lot: Fucking childhood habits. PMO is a childhood habit for me and I feel it like just like those games.
I don't know what could I say more, maybe just this: If I could ever beat this addiction, it will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life. Nothing will come close to this. It's a tightrope walk,
 
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